ADAM WITH JILLIAN BARBERIE, ANTHONY DAVIS, KYLE GASS, FRANK VINCENT, HOWIE MANDEL, DEAF FRAT GUY

ADAM WITH JILLIAN BARBERIE, ANTHONY DAVIS, KYLE GASS, FRANK VINCENT, HOWIE MANDEL, DEAF FRAT GUY — February 28, 2006 – 5am to 10am, PST

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 LITTLE LEAGUE TEAMS

Adam and Dave discuss how some Little League teams have names that are similar to Major League teams, but they aren’t quite the same. “Why wouldn’t they just name it after an actual team?”, Adam wonders. Is it a copyright infringement thing? That can’t be it, though, because there are some teams that are named after them.

Brusca mentions that he was on the Cosmos as a kid. Adam says that’s okay – Dr. Drew was on the Lord Jeffs.

6:06 ADAM’S LIFE STORY

Adam decides to fill in the listeners on his life growing up poor in North Hollywood.

6:12 JILLIAN BARBERIE

Jillian calls in – Adam decides to put his story on hold and take the call. He says that he thought Skating with Celebrities was going to wrap last night, but apparently they are spreading it across two days.

Rachel asks if Jillian was worried that she was going to fall out of her skimpy skating outfit. She says no, they’d rehearsed and nothing had fallen out, so she figured she’d be okay.

Adam says that he’s done a few of these celebrity competitions, and even though you’re playing for charity, or playing for pride, there’s always one a-hole that has to be super-competitive and ruin it for everybody. Everybody else is trying to enjoy themselves, Adam says, but there’s always one guy who has to take it way too far.

Thursday night is the last night for Skating with Celebrities – 9pm EST/PST on FOX.

6:32 HOME IMPROVEMENT QUESTIONS

Jeanette calls in with a home improvement question. Her house was built in 1942, and she wants to modernize it. She wants to put in a stamped copper ceiling, but she thinks the cabinet color will have to change. She wants to know a color that will complement the copper.

Adam suggests painting the copper ceiling – the copper look isn’t so good.

Andy has dimples in the wall, from nails. Adam wants to know if the nails are pushing out, or sucking in. Andy says they aren’t protruding – Adam says to whack them with a waffle-ended hammer, so the joint compound will stick, then put the joint compound on and sponge it.

6:36 NEWS

There is unrest in the Middle East. Rachel says that it’ll be over after the Oscars.

Anna Nicole Smith is headed to the Supreme Court to try to get her inheritance from her late husband who passed away. The son is trying to stop it.

Dennis Weaver, known for his role as Sam McCloud on the TV series “McCloud”, has passed away.

A new CBS News poll puts Bush’s approval rating at 34% and Cheney’s approval rating at 18%. Adam points out that you need to flip that and make it a Disapproval rating.

Nine former “Claymates” have lodged a formal complain to the FTC because the record company, and Clay Aiken, engaged in collusion to prevent disclosures that would have harmed their business. Basically, they believe that the record company knew Clay Aiken was gay, but withheld it.

The finale of “The Bachelor” was on last night.

6:45 SPORTS

Clippers beat the Bobcats.
Golden State lost at home to Utah.
Sacramento beat Portland.

NHL returns from Torino ready to skate.

6:55 ANTHONY DAVIS IN STUDIO

Anthony Davis, former tailback from USC, is in the studio. Adam mentions that he was an East Valley Trojan when he was a kid, and they shared the same jersey.

Anthony tells a story of the time he returned a kickoff to close a score gap. He thought the coach was crazy when he said they were going to try that, but he managed to pull it off.

He came second place in the Heisman running the year he was up for it.

Adam asks how much he weighs – he says he doesn’t look anything like it, but he weighs 285. He’s getting a gastric bypass procedure that will be filmed and broadcast online.

Anthony played NFL ball for two years, and had a lot of injuries. He blew out his tibia, which basically ended his football career. He made enough money around that time to retire, he says.

They talk about the weight problems football players can develop. Adam says linemen will just shovel as much food as they can, because they are running all day every day. Once they stop playing, the eating habits don’t change. Anthony says that’s true.

7:30 KYLE GASS IN THE STUDIO

Kyle Gass of Tenacious D is in the studio. He wants to get in on the gastric bypass, he says. His play, Rock Of Ages, just entered an extended run. Adam thinks that when a play comes out, they should immediately call it the “Extended Run”, just for marketing purposes.

Kyle picks his “worst song” – Crash by Dave Matthews Band.

Tenacious D got started because, basically, Kyle and Jack Black didn’t want to go through the whole audition process, they just wanted to do their own thing. They decided to pretend to be a hit rock band.

Adam goes on a rant about off-brands. Back in the day, you could spot wealthier people because of what they wore. Now, everybody seems to shop at the same places and wear the same Old Navy clothes, he says.

Rock of Ages has been extended three weeks, and the Tenacious D movie comes out later this year. Visit RockOfAges.com for tickets to the show.

7:53 ANGER OVER THE SMACK TALK

A caller, Adam, comes on the line, angry that Adam and Kyle were talking smack about Dave Matthews. He says Dave Matthews is a great acoustic guitar player, and deserves some credit. Kyle says, so is he.

7:56 ROCKING AND NODDING

Kyle’s favorite song pick is by The Who.

If they were in a band together, Adam says, he would have to be playing bass, and Kyle would be playing guitar. Then they could cross each other on stage, and one would whisper something to the other, and then they could both shake their heads. What got said? Nobody will ever know!

8:06 FRANK VINCENT ON THE PHONE

Frank Vincent from the Sopranos is on the line. He mentions that someone sent out a press release recently declaring that Goodfellas is the greatest movie of all time. Adam says it’d be hard to argue that any movie is better than Goodfellas.

He was once asked by Martin Scorsese’s mother, “When you were in that trunk, how could you breathe?” Adam says she must be a method actor.

The sixth season of The Sopranos comes back soon. It’s been about a year and a half since new episodes aired – and that actual amount of time has passed in the series when the new episodes begin.

Back before he was in a major acting career, he was in a musical trio with Joe Pesci. Joe was on guitar, and Frank was on drums.

Frank also has a new book, due out the 7th of March, “A Guy’s Guy to Being a Man.” Frank feels like men owe women a little more respect, and they need to get back to tradition a little bit more.

8:26 HOWIE MANDEL IN THE STUDIO

Howie Mandel, host of Deal Or No Deal, is in the studio. He says the beauty of the show is that a total moron can change his or her life. Rachel adds that nobody is better or worse at it.

Dave has an idea to better the show. Howie says that’s what he’s here for. The ladies play too many “games” when they open the case, Dave thinks.

When Howie had his son circumcised, as is tradition, he buried the “remains” in the back yard in the piece of gauze they were given to him in. An hour or so later, their dog dug it up and brought it back inside. He wasn’t sure what the tradition was after that.

Howie mentions that every time he brings up a topic, there’s new theme music for it. He loves this show.

The show broke records last night – it was #1 in its’ timeslot. Adam wants to know how they can find people who will actually roll the dice on the show instead of just taking the money. Howie thinks it’s amazing that they can have someone who doesn’t own a home, doesn’t have a whole lot of money, that have half a million dollars on the line, and they’ll still try to go for the million.

Adam brings up Howie’s obsessive compulsive disorder. He says that yes, he does have OCD. It had been kept quiet for a while, but now he’s out with it. He does a “fist” handshake, because he can’t bring himself to do real handshakes.

See Howie tonight on Jimmy Kimmel Live, and see Deal Or No Deal, tonight on NBC.

9:06 MAVERICK IN THE STUDIO

Maverick, a.k.a. Deaf Frat Guy, is in the studio – he’s a 5th year senior over at USC. He’s looking for a job. He wants to come on board at the station. Last week, he did weather. This week, he’s doing the astrology report.

9:22 MARK THE POET

Mark The Poet comes on to read a poem to Rachel.

9:32 MAVERICK’S ASTROLOGY REPORT

Maverick is going to take a shot at giving us the Astrology report. He says his friend Moose was down at Mardi Gras, and saw a bunch of girls flashing him, but then in the background he’d see a fridge in a tree and get bummed.

9:48 ASSKISS RODEO

Sal comes on the line to ask if Maverick will play Asskiss Rodeo. Adam thinks that’s a great idea. Maverick gets burned when Adam says they should switch USC to a dry campus.

ADAM WITH TED CASABLANCA AND NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

ADAM WITH TED CASABLANCA AND NEIL PATRICK HARRIS — February 24, 2006 – 5am to 10am, PST

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 SICK

Adam, Dave and Tad were all sick over the weekend. Adam says the one thing he hates is people who are sick, but they come into work anyway, and make the proclamation that they came in.

Back when he was on Kimmel, he was massively sick – usually, nothing can effect him, but this time, he had to miss a day. The next day, when he came in, he got the usual from everybody: “Yeah, we were all sick, but we came in.” You can’t make those people believe that you were far too sick to be there. Adam thinks you shouldn’t be allowed to say that you should’ve come in.

6:11 PARADES

One Mardi Gras, Adam and Jimmy were the Grand Marshall of a float during the parade. They were taking over for Tommy LaSorta, who was originally supposed to do it, but couldn’t. The beads they were throwing from the float had cheap plastic Tommy LaSorta medallions on them. Adam says they were throwing those things at everybody, and the float was moving just fast enough that they couldn’t yell an explanation of why there was a picture of Tommy LaSorta on the beads being thrown by Adam and Jimmy. They left a trail of question marks down that street.

6:14 MARDI GRAS

Adam says there’s too many parades in New Orleans during Mardi Gras to have them all going down one parade route. They’ll take those things down side streets, through yards, around cul-de-sacs, and all that. They took Adam and Jimmy down through residential neighborhoods, and there’s just people sitting on their lawns, etc.

6:26 BIG TAD AS A GIRL SCOUT

Big Tad is going out dressed as a Girl Scout to sell cookies – he’ll be at the Coffee Bean over on La Cienega and 3rd.

Thin Mints are the most popular Girl Scout cookies sold, Adam says. He thinks the peanut butter cookies are better – not the peanut butter flavored cookies, but the ones with the peanut butter in them. He sparks off a huge debate about which kind of Girl Scout cookie is better.

Adam wants to do a “taste-off” – Big Tad stops them, saying they have to pay $4 per box.

He thinks that people buy the shortbread cookies and the other crappy cookies just to have to offer to other people. They can say “I’ve got Girl Scout cookies, want some?” and then offer you the shortbread cookies, but keep all the good ones to themselves.

6:39 DOOR TO DOOR

Back in the day, Adam doesn’t think parents would bring the Girl Scout cookies to work to sell to people. He’s pretty sure that back then, the kids loaded up the basket on their bike and go around selling them on their own.

6:40 HOBOPOWER

A listener calls in about a friend who had a Python with a big heat lamp over it. He went on vacation for a few days, and put a few gerbils in for the snake to eat while he was gone. After the snake ate them, the Python regurgitated the gerbils, and that gerbil juice sat in there cooking under the heat lamp for a few days. It was during the summer in a garden shed in San Bernadino. His friend walked into the room and immediately threw up.

Adam gives it a 48 on the hobopower scale. A 50 is a cat that’s been fed nothing but bleu cheese for a week, defecating on a white hot hibachi.

Max calls in. He was in the Marines for 2 years, and he was in Iraq in 2003. Everybody crapped into a 55 gallon drum that was cut in half. It was 115 degrees out there all the time. To get rid of it, they’d have to burn it – and someone would have to keep stirring it while it burned, for well over an hour.

Adam gives that a 61.

He reminds us that hobopower is a measurement of scent, much like kilowatts measures energy.

Dan calls in. One time in Central Oregon, him and his father drove up on a huge pile of dead, burning cows. Adam says it gets warm there, but it’s not that hot.

He gives it a 31.

Ronnie calls in. In Vietnam, they would dig holes, and put bamboo in there, and defecate on it. A friend of his was walking through and stepped on one, cutting through his foot. A few days later, it got infected and gangrenous.

Adam gives that a 54.

Glen calls in. He was an EMT a couple years ago, and they got a 911 call for an old lady that hadn’t been seen in a few days. They busted the door open, and it was just a cloud of scent. She had the house sealed up to keep warm, but she had passed away on the toilet, and had fallen over onto the space heater and laid there for days. Parts of her had basically melted.

He puts that at 74 and a half.

Lance is on the line. Back in college, 23 years ago, over Thanksgiving break, him and his friends go to a private party. They’re going crazy, and one of them passes out. They decide to take a dump in a KFC bucket to mess with the guy, and they put crap all over him too. Adam stops him there. He doesn’t want any of that gay stuff. There’s a fine line between hobopower, and homopower (although he’s working out a system for that, too.)

7:14 CRAP ON MY HEAD

When Adam was in high school, he had to sneak out of school and run home, because as a prank, someone put crap on a napkin and slapped it onto his head and neck. Rachel wants to know why he felt he had to sneak out, as opposed to using it as a legitimate excuse. He says he didn’t want to be the guy who is known for that – he doesn’t want to sit there and explain what happened, and have them look up who to call, etc.

7:15 BIG TAD’S CHECK-IN

Tad is at the Coffee Bean. He’s sold one box of cookies so far – Adam says, “that’s it?” Rachel says it’s early still.

7:17 RICK ON THE PHONE

Rick is on the line. He works over at Jimmy Kimmel Live. He’s got his kid, who is a Girl Scout, standing by ready to answer Girl Scout questions. Adam asks how many boxes of cookies they’ve sold this year. Rick says he’s sold three hundred fifty seven so far. Adam says his dad would’ve never taken the cookies to work to sell them. Rick says it’s blackmail. Kimmel bought twenty boxes, he points out.

Isabella, Rick’s daughter, comes on the line. She says if she sells 500 boxes, they get to go to Magic Castle for a party. Adam says, is that it? For 500 boxes? She says yeah, but you also get the prizes you’ve already earned. A lava lamp, money, a hat, a pen, etc.

7:30 TED CASABLANCA IN THE STUDIO

Adam thinks E! seems to have been picking up momentum lately. Ted asks if it’s a juggernaut of hairdos – Ryan’s hair, Ted’s hair, etc. Adam says he actually likes Ryan Seacrest, probably because it’s popular to dislike him. He says he knows Seacrest isn’t gay, either – back in the day, he witnessed Ryan Seacrest feverishly hitting on a woman.

Ted asks if Adam has seen any of the movies up for Best Picture. He says not a single one. Ted says, him and every other person in the country. They’re in danger of low ratings this year, he adds.

7:36 OSCARS

The topic of hosts for the Oscars comes up. Ted thinks that Jon Stewart will get fried, because all the hosts do. They always get blamed if the show is bad, and he wonders if Jon Stewart is too “dry” to play to middle America. Adam asks when anybody ever listens to middle America. Let them eat cake.

Ted thinks Brokeback Mountain will sweep the awards, except for Best Actor. He thinks that Paul Giamatti will take it for Cinderella Man.

7:40 A LITTLE DIRT

Britney Spears is bawling all over the place, Ted says. Adam wants to know if Britney will get in trouble for the baby on the lap thing. Ted says Britney apologized, like Clinton should have. If she had made up a story, she would’ve been crucified. She owned up to it, though, which nobody ever does in this town.

Tom Cruise has backed off on telling women what to do with their bodies, which was very dangerous territory, Ted says. Adam asks if Tom Cruise is gay, because he can’t figure it out.

7:51 MORE ON BRITNEY SPEARS

The marriage is over, Ted says. Britney is out crying everywhere, she’s not wearing the ring, etc. She’s trying to get her career back on track now. Adam asks if she’s actually got any real talent – Ted says yes. She’s a good dancer, she’s a good performer, but she’s not a great singer.

They ask Adam who he would rather see in concert, Britney or Mariah Carey. He says Mariah. Rachel jumps on it – she’d much rather see Britney, it would be far more entertaining. He says if you’re judging purely on entertainment value, he guesses Britney. It’s not fair though; it’s not like they asked Britney versus Coldplay.

7:57 RATE THE STAFF

Dave says that Ted has to rate the staff. Ted says Adam has to be the best, because he’s the star. Dave demands he wipes that clean and ignore it. Ted picks Rachel for the top.

Read Ted’s column at www.eonline.com.

8:06 NEIL PATRICK HARRIS IN STUDIO

Adam mentions he loves Starship Troopers, but he feels like people aren’t sure that it’s okay to say that they liked that movie. He equates it to when he and Jimmy Kimmel discovered that they liked Alf at the same time.

He also says that he’s the one who discovered Denise Richards, who was in Starship Troopers with Neil. Neil points out that he worked with Denise not only on Starship Troopers, but also on Undercover Brother, and a very special episode of Doogie Howser.

8:13 NEIL’S HOBOPOWER STORY

Neil was moving into a rundown apartment in Harlem. The power had been shut off, and the place hadn’t been cleaned out yet. The kitchen was full of old food and garbage, and one room of the apartment was being used exclusively for storing full garbage bags.

Adam gives that a 22.

8:24 BIG TAD’S CHECK-IN

Big Tad has made $72 so far, which Adam says is about nineteen boxes. The samoas are selling the best, and thin mints are second.

Adam says that if anybody tries to buy the shortbread cookies, beat them upside the head with the box. Beat them to death and put them out of their misery – it’s the Girl Scout way, Adam says.

8:28 HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS WITH NEIL

Who would you rather go cross country with? The guy who tells you he has an idea for a TV show, but he can’t tell you, or the blow-hard surfer guy. Neil picks the TV show guy, and Adam says wrong.

Casper Van Dien, or Vinnie from Doogie Howser. Neil says Vinnie. Adam says wrong – Casper has been with a bunch of ladies, and he could thrill you with those stories.

Nicole Richie or Debbie Allen. Neil picks Debbie Allen — Adam says no.

NASCAR fan or Hasidic jew. Neil picks the jew. Adam says wrong at first, but then reverses the ruling, because the NASCAR guy will be “spitting into that cup.”

Vegan or Wiccan girl. Neil picks the Wiccan. Adam says no – he’s thinking of the witchy woman types, but that’s not how it works.

Pierced Nipple Guy versus the guy who buys the cop bike at a police auction, a cop helmet and a leather jacket. Neil picks the pierced nipple guy. Adam says no – he’s gonna have his shirt off the whole time.

8:35 A NEIL STORY

A caller, Jason, comes on the line with a story. He was at a house party in West L.A., and there was a celebrity at the party – and it was Neil Patrick Harris. They were in a room smoking a joint, and a guy kept calling Neil “Doogie.” Neil told him to “stop calling me Doogie. My name is Neil.” The guy replied back “Whatever, Doogie.”

8:37 A NEIL QUESTION

Another caller comes on and wants Neil to bust out some Bohemian Rhapsody.

Neil’s show is “How I Met Your Mother”, Monday nights on CBS.

8:47 ED “MODIFIES” HIS RESTAURANT BILL

Ed went out this weekend for his son’s birthday, who is 26. They went to Denny’s – they say that kids eat free there. When the bill came, they had both dinners on there. Ed took a marker and scratched out the second meal. The waitress came back and told him he couldn’t do that.

Adam points out that this is why you can’t work at Denny’s, because you have to deal with the Eds of the world, who modify their check.

He points out that Ed felt like since it was his kid, he should eat free.

9:00 NEWS

There’s unrest in the Middle East. Adam gives it until Wednesday.

Dubai Ports World is calling for investigations of their company, despite Bush’s urgings to put a stop to it.

Sadaam Hussein ended his hunger strike after eleven days.

The story last week about the microwaved penis – turns out, it was a whizzinator – a fake penis used to pass drug tests.

Don Knotts, best known for the role of Barney Fife, passed away over the weekend. Darren McGavin also passed away over the weekend.

George Michael was arrested in London on drug suspicion.

MaDea’s Family Reunion was top of the box office this weekend. Eight Below was second.

9:15 SPORTS

Winter Games in Torino – over. The Germans won 29 medals, coming in first. The U.S. won 25. Picabo Street came out and said that many of the athletes this year were immature, and had a “lot of growing up to do.”

NBA.
Lakers lost to the Celtics.
Portland lost to the Hornets.

9:31 MONDAY MORNING FOOTBALL

Adam thinks they should gamble on old football games, because nobody can remember the scores of all those old games.

Ed is on the line, and Adam is playing for him. Dave is playing for Vinnie. These are actual games that were played on Monday Night Football in the seventies. They are playing for a 3 way game table, valued at $750.

Packers vs. Jets. Dave says Jets. Adam says Packers.
Packers won.

Saints vs. Cowboys. Adam says Cowboys. Dave says Cowboys also.
Cowboys won.

Browns vs. Dolphins. Dave says Dolphins. Adam says Browns.
Dolphins won.

Falcons vs. Vikings. Adam says Vikings. Dave says Vikings also.
Falcons won.

Dave says he’s gonna let Vinnie pick this one.

Steelers vs. Dolphins. Vinnie picks the Steelers. Adam picks Dolphins.
Dolphins won.

9:45 BIG TAD BACK IN THE STUDIO

Big Tad is back from selling cookies. He was out there as punishment for not losing enough weight. Adam asks when Big Tad was last under 300 pounds – he says when he was working for KROQ a long time ago.

He sold twenty-one boxes of cookies, and made $94. Adam is appalled that his favorite cookie, the Tagalongs, only sold a few boxes.

ADAM WITH RICHARD MARTIN, OZZIE, ERIN THE DRUNKEN MASCOT, COREY BURNELL AND DAVE COULIER

ADAM WITH RICHARD MARTIN, OZZIE, ERIN THE DRUNKEN MASCOT, COREY BURNELL, DAVE COULIER — February 24, 2006 – 5am to 10am, PST

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 MOTORCYCLES

Old people like to ride those big motorcycles, Adam says. They’re driving their huge Gold Wing motorcycles cross country, and they’ve got their helmets on with the cable between them so they can talk to each other. That’s a nightmare, Adam thinks. You put a bucket on your head with your wife’s voice in it, and head up to Oregon. Around Santa Barbara, he’s have to drive it into a pole just to end it.

6:05 HORRIBLE EMPLOYEES

You have to have the same few conversations with the same few bad employees constantly, Adam thinks. A good employee, you have the conversation with once. A bad employee, you have to tell them constantly.

6:06 CLEANLINESS

Dave points out that Adam is wearing the exact same clothes today that he did yesterday. Adam thanks him. He says you have to understand that he grew up in a family where cleanliness was not next to godliness. They didn’t have a dryer, they only ever put $5 in the gas tank, etc. This way of being poor is a lot more difficult than just spending the little bit of extra money, he thinks.

6:09 MONEY

Rachel wants to know if Adam hated the kids who had money when he was growing up. Adam says everybody he grew up around was the typical beautiful blonde-haired rich kid with the family station wagons, the nice clothes, etc. All Adam wanted was a damn East Valley Trojans windbreaker. He would be at a friend’s house, and see pictures of their family ski vacations, and think, what must that be like?!

6:14 BUDDY HELMET

A listener calls in about the motorcycle buddy helmets. His neighbors have one, and they commute to work together every day, and they work together, too. Adam thinks couples like this, and couples that proclaim that they are their best friends, aren’t real. They just exist to screw over other people’s relationships. They’re like decoys used to make armies seem bigger.

6:17 JOGGING IN PLACE

Adam wants to know what’s up with people who are jogging outdoors, and they miss the red light, so they stop, but they keep running in place. Do they enjoy jogging so much, that they just can’t stop doing it, even when they can’t get across the intersection?

Most of the people in Los Angeles are just exercising so other people can see them exercise, he thinks. You see these people out jogging down Ventura Blvd. during rush hour. The carbon monoxide levels alone on that road must tip the scales. It could probably be worse if they jogged in an underground parking facility.

6:21 DAVE’S WEDDING GIFT

Adam is going to take five checks – one for $5, and one for $5,000, and then the in-betweens – and let Dave pick a check out for his wedding gift. Adam’s wife heard about this plan, and she’s worried that Dave is going to draw the $5. She says she’s going to get Dave’s wife something. Adam tried to convince her that she doesn’t have to get anything else, but she doesn’t understand.

6:31 RICHARD MARTIN ON THE PHONE

Richard Martin, a Republican representative from the state of Ohio, is on the line. He says he’s in Vegas building a casino, the first all-Christian casino in the country. They’re trying to pick a name – they’re thinking of either Sweet Jesus or Holy Craps.

Richard thinks it’s ridiculous that this port security situation is even being talked about. He says he’s talked to Michael Chertoff, and Chertoff says there’s no problem. Dave points out that he’s the same one who bungled Katrina. Richard says Dave’s talking about the Chertster, and he’s gonna need Dave to respect him. Blaming Chertoff for Katrina is like blaming Hitler for the Holocaust.

Adam asks Richard about Cheney being drunk on his hunting trip. Richard says, define drunk? Cheney shot, he was cleaning the buckshot out of what he shot, getting ready to eat it, and suddenly he realized — my god, I shot my hunting partner.

6:46 MORE ON WEDDING GIFTS

Adam and Dave agree that if someone who’s known for having a lot of money gives a small or cheap wedding gift, it’s frowned upon. Dave says it’s the same as a high profile batter only hitting eight home runs in a season. If a utility in-fielder hits eight, it’s considered good, but if the high profile hitter does it, it’s bad. Adam says everything isn’t a sports analogy.

6:51 AMERICAN IDOL

American Idol is heroin for dullards, Adam thinks. That’s how you can explain the show being so long. Rachel doesn’t think that watching the voting-off is necessary. Dave thinks it’s the best part – you watch the hopes and dreams of these people get crushed, and then you get to watch them perform directly afterwards.

Adam thinks that if he were tossed off, he would have a song ready to sing that would line up with the same music, that had lyrics like “Blow Me Simon”. Start talking about Paula’s prescription drugs, or the producers of American Idol, etc. It would be fantastic television.

7:03 FLESH COLORED

A listener, Carl, calls in with an opinion. Have you noticed that their flesh colored clothes go over the top of their skates, so it’s like they have a giant deformed tumor there? Adam doesn’t like anything flesh colored, other than flesh. Not even band-aids?, Rachel asks. No, he likes his band-aids with smiley faces on them.

A big example of this is eye-patches. There’s two varieties – a black one, and a beige/flesh one. The black one makes you look debonair. The flesh colored one? Junkie.

7:06 NASCAR

Another listener calls in to find out why Adam hates NASCAR. Adam says he doesn’t hate it, but stop throwing it in his face. He’s tired of seeing it everywhere and having it tossed at him everywhere.

These cars are old technology, Adam thinks. They use so much old tech in NASCAR. There have been some aerodynamic improvements, but nothing major. Formula One on the other hand, is very high tech. It’s much more interesting. Yet, we have no Formula One in this country. Can we limit NASCAR to one hour? Why is it so prevalent now? Adam reiterates – his problem with NASCAR is that the cars themselves suck. It’s old American iron. There are much more interesting cars out there. Who the hell out there is driving a Ford Taurus?

7:12 BIG TAD’S NASCAR TICKETS

A caller wants to know what happened to Tad’s pit passes, because he didn’t win them. Adam says he smeared some peanut butter on them, and Tad ate them.

7:13 NEWS

There’s unrest in the Middle East. Adam thinks it’ll be over by Sunday.

A curfew has been put in place in Iraq, in an attempt to quell the violence.

There’s also unrest in the Philippines. The president declared a state of emergency because they believed that the populous was trying to overthrow the government.

Dubai Ports World has postponed its’ takeover of the ports in order to better address the security situation. The U.S. is concerned that we may risk alienating one of our only Arab allies.

An interracial couple, both of whom were mixed race, had one fully black child and one fully white child. It was a “million to one shot.”

On American Idol, four contestants were kicked off last night.

7:21 SPORTS

Torino. Only a few days left. Germany leads with 24 medals. Russia and the U.S. with 20 each.

NBA. Lakers destroy the Kings.
UCLA, Oregon, Cal State, all won.

7:35 MASCOT

During the sports segment, Adam and Dave were discussing Stanford’s “Tree”, and apparently the person who was that mascot is a SoCal native. She called in, and she’s in the neighborhood, so they’re going to try and get her to come in.

7:37 MORE ON INTERRACIAL COUPLES

A caller comes on to say that it is possible to be white, and have a kid with a black man that is a freckled and blonde-haired. Adam wants to know the social implications of the whole “mix” thing. Is her dad a racist? She says her family is fine with it.

Adam says that if you’re an absentee parent who is trying to get your daughter to go a certain direction, i.e. “Don’t date a black man”, they’re most likely going to do the opposite.

7:40 “ROY HORN” ON THE PHONE

“Roy Horn” calls in to talk.

Roy clarifies that he was not attacked by the tiger – he was raped by the tiger. Adam says he didn’t hear about this – the mainstream news skipped right over it.

7:53 OZZIE IN THE STUDIO

Ozzie is in the studio to discuss the George Clooney movie, Good Night and Good Luck. Adam says he wants Ozzie to see all of the Oscar-nominated films before the ceremony.

During the review, Adam stops Ozzie and points out how he has a problem pronouncing his V’s and B’s. He had the same problem with his hairdresser – “I want to trade in my Bolbo for a Saav.” He thought, you can say the B, you can say the V, but why can’t you put them in the right place?

8:07 ERIN THE DRUNKEN MASCOT IS IN THE STUDIO

Erin is the inexplicable drunken Tree mascot from the Stanford Cardinal. She was caught “boozing” and was stripped of his mascot duties. Adam thinks that it’s probably not a good idea for you to be drinking when you’re a mascot. Erin says that Adam doesn’t understand the pressure of being a tree mascot.

Adam says they’re looking for a mascot, and wants to know if she can help them out. She says she’s already got a cheer ready to go.

Erin begs Rachel to get her a spread in Maxim. She says she’ll see what she can do.

8:25 ERIN HAS TO GO

Adam tells Erin that she’s got to go, so they can have more guests on. She breaks down and starts crying. Adam tries to explain that she can come back on a later show, but they have to move on for now.

As she walks out, Rachel points out that she stinks.

8:27 COREY BURNELL ON THE PHONE

Corey wants to plan a mass exodus of Christians to South Carolina. Adam wants to know why they picked South Carolina. They want to start a movement to states that are already predominantly conservative.

They feel that they need to concentrate their political efforts in a specific state. Adam asks if Jews are allowed to, and Corey says that while it is a Christian movement, it’s also a political movement, so that would be okay. Adam says good, because they need accountants.

Every group needs diversity, Adam thinks. Corey disagrees – he feels that ideological diversity leads to strife, ultimately. Diversity of skills is okay, though.

Adam thinks it sounds like a kooky idea, but eh. It’s a lot like West L.A. – give the gays their land. It’s like their Gaza Strip. Dave wants to know, why South Carolina? Why not an island? A tropical resort? You’ll attract more people. Corey responds that their project really stems from American history. They are patriotic Americans, and they don’t want to leave.

Visit ChristianExodus.com for more information.

8:37 RELIGION

Rachel says she’s met more Christians that are mean than she has Atheists. Adam says forget Christians. It’s all religions. He says, the definition of religion is: I have my beliefs, you have your beliefs, he has his beliefs, and two of you are wrong, and you’re going to Hell!

‘Why do we all have to be the same?’, Rachel asks. Adam says it’s because these people scream that they believe what they believe, but deep down, there is doubt. If you attack their beliefs, and try to awaken that doubt, they get angry and defensive. It’s the same with anything. If someone has something that they don’t quite like about themselves, and you bring it up, they get defensive.

Adam equates it to bluffing. If you’ve got a great hand in poker, and the person next to you starts talking trash, you laugh. But if you’re bluffing, you’ll get nervous. You’ll get defensive. It’s the same with any belief.

8:52 DAVE’S DRAWING

They’ve got a green sack with all of the amounts on them. Adam’s filled out a check with no amount on it. Dave is going to reach in and pull out a number, and whatever the amount is, Adam will fill out the amount on check for him.

Dave wants to remind Adam how lucky he’s been in this month. Adam says he’s pretty nervous. Dave pulls out the card. Everybody is nervous. Rachel opens it to read it…

Five hundred dollars!

Adam feels like he’s dodged a bullet.

9:06 BIG TAD’S HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP

Big Tad didn’t lose the weight he was supposed to lose, so he’s going to be selling Girl Scouts in the full up Girl Scout uniform soon. But they’re bringing him in to do a little celebrity gossip.

Lindsay Lohan has two new men in her life — Match Point star Jonathan Rhys Meyers and Gold Medal winner Shaun White.

Dane Cook is the latest to be romantically linked to Jessica Simpson. He is the latest in a string of new lovers, including Bam Margera.

A new feud is starting in Hollywood – Paris Hilton is not taking negative comments directed towards her by Mischa Barton. She says she’s not sure why Mischa Barton is spending so much time thinking about her.

9:23 ADAM’S BASKETBALL MOVIE IDEA

The terrorists raise a boy as an NBA star. He shoots threes – that’s all he does. He’s fantastic. He’s not the height you’d want, but he’s good. He gets recruited by the Wizards. He’s going to hijack the teams charter plane and fly it into the White House! But there’s one coach, a coach that was ostracized, who can stop him. Dave suggests maybe Rick Fox could be the one who stops the terrorist.

9:35 DAVE COULIER’S PACKAGE IN THE STUDIO

Dave Coulier’s Package is in the studio to do an Olympics figure skating update.

9:50 DAVE COULIER IN THE STUDIO

Adam wants Dave to know that they weren’t trying to undermine him by inviting just his package on the show. Dave says that’s okay – he’s not pleased, but it’s not the first time this has happened. His package has been asked to do things before without Dave himself being invited.

Adam says he had no idea that this kind of a feud was going on. He had this kind of problem with his own package when he was still in high school. Dave’s package asks if Adam’s package is around – they could go pick up chicks. Adam mentions that he’s married.

ADAM WITH JOHN CAPARULO, DEAF FRAT GUY

ADAM WITH JOHN CAPARULO, DEAF FRAT GUY — February 23, 2006 – 5am to 10am, PST

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 ADJUSTMENTS

Adam asks if anybody’s ever noticed how sometimes, even if nobody’s used them, things just get adjusted since the last time you used it, like volume adjustments, chair heights, etc.

One of the problems that he has is when someone moves the seat in his car forward, and doesn’t move it back when they are done. It’s very painful to try and get into the car and move the seat back when it’s moved too far forward. Adam wishes that people could just make sure and remember to move the seat back when they get back out of the car.

Adam thinks people have infinite radar for their own asses, but nothing for other people. They just don’t think about other people.

6:08 UNREST IN THE MIDDLE EAST

A new wave of violence has broken out in the Middle East. Adam is quick to point out that it’s not the people, and it’s not the religion – it’s a wonderful religion. It must be the government. Otherwise, what is causing it? Is it something we need to watch for in our country?

Dave starts going on a rant about the violence, and Adam stops him – he says it sounds like Dave’s judging, and we can’t judge.

Adam says the point is, this has been going on forever, and it’s going to keep going on. They like to fight; it’s embedded in their culture.

6:13 AMERICAN IDOL

Adam’s falling in love with the “salt and pepper haired guy” on American Idol. Rachel says that guy, Taylor Hicks, is her American Idol, and Adam says no, it’s his.

According to Taylor’s profile, his idol is Ray Charles. Adam says he moves like Ray Charles.

These competitors are so young – a lot of them are sixteen, Adam points out. He wants to know, how are they so perfectly composed? Where are the zits? Where’s the flop sweat?

Dave hates American Idol. He wants to know what he’s missing. Why is America captivated by this?!

6:19 NEW TRENDS IN TELEVISION

American Idol is part of a new trend in television, Adam says. It’s just like Project: Runway. Basically, they put a bunch of similar people up on there, and you pick your favorite, and you start pulling for them. The first few times you see them, you probably don’t even know why you’re pulling for them.

Dave says he agrees, and now, he hates himself more than he hates the show, because he’s hooked on watching it now.

6:32 BIG TAD

Big Tad is in the studio. He’s got to lose eight and a half pounds by around 9am today. Last week, he managed to drop ten pounds. He’s been starving himself, he said, and that’s really bad. But it makes good radio. If he doesn’t drop the weight, he has to sell Girl Scout cookies in a Girl Scout uniform.

6:34 WHICH WEIGHS MORE?

Tad is weighed in at 312 pounds. Eric is on the line – he’s called in to play, and Adam tells him that both Adam and Rachel are going to play for him. If Eric wins, he’ll get a $100 gift certificate from Hooters.

Big Tad vs. 8ft Aluminum/Pine Picnic Table
Answer: Big Tad

Big Tad vs. a 2 Woman Bobsled
Answer: Big Tad

Big Tad vs. an Elvis Pinball Machine
Answer: Big Tad

Big Tad vs. 4x the weight of Warwick Davis
Answer: Big Tad

It’s all tied up.

Big Tad vs. a 6-month-old Cow
Answer: Big Tad

Rachel and Dave are tied. It’s time for the tie breaker round.

Big Tad vs. a Samsung Stainless Steel Refrigerator
Answer: Big Tad

6:50 OBVIOUS QUESTIONS

This morning, Adam was watching CNN and saw Scott Hamilton doing an interview about one of the skater’s chances. Scott came on and said she had to skate clean, and then they thanked him. Adam wonders how sweet it must be to get in that position, where you can get paid for answering obvious questions.

6:54 REVERSE ASSKISS RODEO

Adam wants to, in honor of Black History Month, play Reverse Asskiss Rodeo with Jerron the Intern – Adam is going to kiss Jerron’s ass.

6:56 JERRON’S BLACKNESS

Adam asks if Jerron has a girlfriend. Jerron says girls don’t like him – he’s from the mean streets of Orange County.

A listener comes on the line and wants proof that Jerron is black, because he sounds so white, and his opinions don’t even line up with the usual black man’s opinions.

7:06 NEWS

Forty people were killed when the roof of a market collapsed in Moscow, most likely due to heavy snow fall.

Violence continues in Iraq.

A group of people pulling a body from the mudslide in the Philippines began sinking into the mud, and had to be rescued by helicopters.

Eight workers from a meat processing plant won the $365m Powerball jackpot.

A blog is saying that Secret Service agents are reporting that Dick Cheney was “clearly inebriated” on his hunting trip.

Kid Rock’s lawyers won a temporary injunction against the sex tape featuring Kid Rock and Scott Stapp.

Lindsay Lohan was seen partying with Shaun White.

Donald Trump and Martha Stewart are feuding in the news.

7:17 SPORTS

Torino. The Germans still lead the medal count with 22. Austria is second. The U.S. is tied with the Canadians at 18 medals. U.S. Hockey Team was beaten by Finland yesterday.

NBA. Portland lost.
Suns, Sonics won.
Clippers lost in Houston, their fifth in a row.

Houston has a new soccer team, named the Houston 1836. This infuriates Dave. Apparently, they are no longer allowed to have the name, because Mexican-American groups are complaining that it offends them – it is the year that Texas seceded from Mexico.

7:30 JOHN CAPARULO IN THE STUDIO

John Caparulo is in; he just got off of a comedy tour with Vince Vaughn. He’ll be at the Hermosa Comedy and Magic Club tonight through Saturday night.

Adam says he’s stuck in between as far as celebrities go. He doesn’t know a lot of A-list celebrities. There’s the up-and-comers on the bottom, and there’s the A-list on top. Adam is in the middle of that.

John says that Vince Vaughn was along on the tour; Adam wants to know if there was any Jennifer Aniston talk during the tour. John has no idea. Dave questions that Jennifer Aniston is hot; John says how dare he question her hotness. Adam thinks that girls like Jennifer Aniston and Eva Longoria are the mid-grade hot, where people like Angelina Jolie are the true “hot.”

7:45 MORE WITH JOHN CAPARULO

John’s first job in Hollywood was the doorman for the Comedy Store, checking IDs – he did it for two years. They’d let him perform sometimes, and after his set he’d go back to his job. He met Vince Vaughn there and they became friends.

7:50 WHAT CAN’T ADAM COMPLAIN ABOUT?

A listener calls in – the galvanized chassis. Adam says the galvanization process pollutes the environment.

Dave says The Simpsons – The chick who does Bart’s voice is crazy.

Another listener – will Adam complain about himself? Yeah – he never stops complaining. Plus, if he doesn’t pluck his eyebrows, they’ll grow into one big eyebrow and try to take over the world.

Jessica calls in – the local grocery store butcher. Adam doesn’t like that guy. He doesn’t like the hopping around of the “now serving” numbers.

8:03 ED WENT TO SCORES, SAW GIRLS WITH NO SHIRTS ON

Ed called in and left a voicemail saying that he went to the restaurant “Scores” that he heard about on the show, and he noticed there were a lot of women in it with no shirts on. He just wanted to let them know that.

8:05 DEAF FRAT GUY IN THE STUDIO

The Deaf Frat Guy is in the studio. He says he’ll be a roadie for the show – they can party 24/7. He said last night he got bombed; sometimes he gets a little down about his hearing. Adam asks if he gets into American Idol. He says he can’t get into it because he doesn’t know what the music is.

8:10 AMERICAN IDOL W/ RACHEL PERRY

Tonight is the night that we find out who moves on to the next round. Rachel wants to know what Deaf Frat Guy thought about them. She also thinks that the contestants need to stop winking at the camera. It’s a crutch.

Adam wants people to know that they don’t need to represent their lifestyle; we don’t need to know. You don’t need to wear the rock n’ roll t-shirts, you don’t need to always throw up the horns, etc. If you’re into NASCAR, do you have to wear the huge gaudy NASCAR jacket everywhere?

Deaf Frat Guy says he definitely loves rock n’ roll, because you can really feel the bass.

Dave thinks that these contestants aren’t bad, but they’re not great. He can’t imagine why so many people watch this show.

Deaf Frat Guy says when he wants to dance, he’ll sometimes get them to tell him the beats per minute, so he doesn’t look like a total jackass. He goes into a rant about a girl he liked, Ashley, who got with his friend Moose. He thinks that Moose is a man, and can’t control himself, but Ashley should’ve known better.

8:30 MORE WITH DEAF FRAT GUY

Deaf Frat Guy is a fifth year senior. He’s graduating soon, and he’s looking for a gig. They’re giving him a shot at reading the weather.

8:45 THE NEW PLAYBOY

A caller, Leslie, feels cheated by the new Playboy. It has Jessica Alba on the cover, but she’s not in there – it’s just an interview. Adam says he doesn’t like that, and they’ve done it a few times. Leslie says that’s against the rules, and Adam agrees.

Adam wants to know why hot chicks always have to tell people that they only feel free when they’re naked. Rachel says she just feels cold when she’s naked.

8:50 HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION

Ricky calls in with a hypothetical question. The guy who leaves a ton of old food in his beard, or the guy who clears the stuff out of his beard and flicks it at people. Adam says the question isn’t good – the second guy doesn’t exist.

8:54 ANGIE’S HOTNESS

Adam thinks that Angie’s hotness grows on you. Some women, you see and think they’re immediately hot, and then later you start to realize, they aren’t as hot as you think. Angie is the opposite.

8:55 ANGIE ON WHO’S THE HOTTEST?

It’s time for Angie to rank the guys in the studio. Brusca is at the bottom, then Dave, then Adam on top.

9:07 BILL ON WHO’S THE HOTTEST?

Bill the Gay Board Op’s list:

Rachel is at the bottom, because her penis isn’t big enough. Adam asks if it’s better for a gay man to have sex with a beautiful woman. Bill says that it’s better for a gay man to have sex with a heavier woman.

Next is Brusca. Bill says when he first got there, he thought Brusca was gay, based on looks.

After Brusca, he has to pick Dave, because his mom calls him “Slug”, and that creeps Bill out a little bit.

Above Dave is Mike. Bill would rather have a platonic relationship with him. Rachel gets a little miffed, and Bill explains that Rachel is a little high maintenance and it would be intimidating.

At the top is Adam, because he reminds Bill of a friend of his.

9:25 NEWS RECAP

Rachel recaps the morning’s news.

The Supreme Court ruled that a woman can sue the Post Office after slipping on mail that was left scattered on her front porch.

9:33 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports news.

9:37 ADAM’S OLYMPICS MOVIE IDEA

Adam has an idea for an Olympics movie. At the training facility where they are all training, terrorists take over. All of the Olympians have to use their special skills to defeat the terrorists. For example: they’re trapped in the gymnasium, and they could get out if they could get to that window up there. The pole-vaulter! Everybody uses their particular Olympic skill.

9:40 ED REPORTING IN

Ed has called in to give us a review of Lost.

At the start of the show, they showed a man in a field, and he was hurt. A dog runs by, and he has a little bottle of alcohol. He sees a whole bunch of people who look like they’ve been in a plane wreck. A man gets sucked through a jet engine and it explodes. The man from the beginning helps all the people in the wreck. It turns night time, and no one’s come to find these people. They show a fat guy and a pregnant girl around a campfire with a Chinese man, and a black man — they must’ve all been in this plane wreck together. Ed doesn’t think Lost will be a hit because it lasts two hours, and he wouldn’t advise this show for anybody.

9:55 BIG TAD’S WEIGH-IN

Big Tad had to lose eight and a half pounds to get the NASCAR pit pass. If he didn’t, he’s getting into a Girl Scout uniform to sell cookies.

He weighs in at 309lbs; his target was 303lbs. They’re giving him a week off of his weight loss, but Adam tells him not to go into a shame spiral.

ADAM WITH PAT O’ BRIAN, LOUIS CK, JEFF CONAWAY

ADAM WITH PAT O’ BRIAN, LOUIS CK, JEFF CONAWAY — February 22, 2006 – 5am to 10am, PST

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 AMERICAN IDOL

Adam tried to watch American Idol last night, but only made it through the first hour. Whenever he watches it with his TiVo, he has to constantly pause and do commentary on every contestant.

6:02 EXECUTIONS

If someone commits a rape, Adam thinks they should be put to death. A lot of people make the argument, “What good does that do?” It does no good, Adam guesses, except to take another rapist off the planet. A lot of people say that every life is precious, but Adam doesn’t think that’s true – some lives just aren’t.

Adam mentions the death row inmate who could not be killed, because the doctors could not ethically participate in the execution. The central argument is whether or not lethal injection is considered “cruel and unusual” in California. Adam says, who decided death has to be good? The people on death row didn’t make sure their victims were properly sedated before they killed them. Rachel asks if they still do hangings in this country – Adam says he doesn’t think so. Rachel wants to look into it.

Rachel looks up a news story – back in 1994, a man on death row was too obese to be hanged. He eventually died of natural causes.

Adam reiterates – we’re not all precious. Dave says he’s against the death penalty.

6:10 OLYMPIC ATHLETE INTERVIEWS

Adam was watching Olympic athletes being interviewed this morning – and he noticed something missing — they’re all smiling, they aren’t being massively egotistical, there are no multiple references to God, etc.

Are these people getting tired of being interviewed, Adam wonders. Probably not, he thinks – it’s not so bad to be interviewed repeatedly about winning a gold medal.

Adam points out that it’s not just down racial lines, either. There are plenty of white athletes who are blowhards, too. Adam again asks why none of the athletes are bringing up Jesus Christ in their interviews – is it banned?

6:15 DRAWSTRINGS

Adam wants to know why everything has a drawstring hanging off of it. The other day, he had the drawstring pop out of one hole on his sweatpants, and spent forever trying to get it back through. He wants to start removing them from all of his clothes, because he just doesn’t see the need in having them. He decides to take the one out of the hood on his sweatshirt right now.

6:18 TRULY HOT

Adam wants to make an official list of who’s truly hot, and who’s just been foisted on us as “hot”. Dave says that in Hollywood, sometimes you run into celebrities, and they’re surprisingly hot – he uses Christina Applegate as an example of someone who is hot in person. Rachel thinks that Ben Affleck has been way over-hyped, but Dave and Adam wonder if she’s seen him in person.

Adam’s example of people being foisted onto us is Eva Longoria. He doesn’t ever hear anybody talking about how hot Eva Longoria is, but she’s constantly being plastered around as if everybody thinks she’s hot. Rachel points out that everything is forced on us like that in society.

6:22 L. RON HUBBARD

A listener calls in with an impression of L. Ron Hubbard, the author of Dianetics.

Adam wonders what Hubbard’s wife was thinking when he was still working on his manuscript for Dianetics, and what would he tell people? “Sorry, I can’t do anything right now, I’m working on my own religion.”

6:32 WHAT CAN’T ADAM COMPLAIN ABOUT?

Adam explains their new game that started yesterday, of trying to figure out if there’s anything that he won’t complain about.

6:35 CHRISTIAN, THE 13-YEAR OLD COMEDIAN

Christian, the thirteen-year old comedian has called in with some new material.

Kids prefer video games to Monopoly because of the time investment. When you get beaten in a video game, you can just call a rematch, because it only takes a few minutes. But when was the last time you called a rematch in Monopoly?

6:38 THE FAT MAN HANGING

A listener calls in with information about the obese man who couldn’t be hanged. He selected hanging as his method of death, probably knowing that they wouldn’t be able to do it.

6:40 MORE ON LETHAL INJECTION

Rachel wants to know why they couldn’t use all this time to find a guy who could perform the injection. Adam reminds her that they had someone, but he backed out at the last second.

6:42 PAT O’ BRIAN ON THE PHONE

Adam asks if Pat is going to be taking to Roy Horn tonight. Pat says that Roy was over the weekend, but they’ll be talking to him again. Adam wants to know how Roy really is, in person. He’s about 60% at this point, Pat thinks. They are thinking he will be able to get back on stage, eventually.

Nancy Kerrigan has been dispatched to go cover the Olympics in Torino for The Insider. Pat says she’s done a great job for him. Adam thinks it was smart to pick someone who’s won the gold, and who knows all the athletes, to go interview people.

Adam mentions the anorexic twins on The Insider, and says that dogs being smacked around, anorexics and homosexual sex are the three things that he is uncomfortable seeing.

6:55 WHAT CAN’T ADAM COMPLAIN ABOUT?

Rachel says green houses – Adam thinks the people who work in them care way too much about what’s in them.

Mother Teresa – overrated.

John Elway – big gums.

Rooftop solar panels – too expensive.

Recycla-Rolla – This is a contraption that Adam designed to shuttle recyclables outside to the bin. He didn’t design his own right, though.

7:07 NEWS

In California, a death row inmate who tortured and raped a 17-year-old girl was delayed for a second time when they could not find someone to administer a lethal dose.

Despite opposition, President Bush has said he will veto any action designed to prevent an Arab company from taking control of six American ports.

Twelve psychics have been trying to help find the missing Whippet from the Westminster Kennel Club dog show. The psychics say that she is alive, warm, and in a building.

A San Francisco garbage removal company wants to begin recycling “dog crap” to harvest methane for fuel.

James Bond fans are threatening to boycott the new 007 movie because they don’t like Daniel Craig replacing Pierce Brosnan.

7:20 SPORTS

Clippers beat by Dallas, fourth straight loss.
Seattle lost to San Antonio.
Sacramento beats Golden State.

Spring training underway – the Giants had their first full team workout yesterday. Everybody was there, except for Barry Bonds. His agent said it was “undisclosed personal reasons.”

7:33 LOUIS CK IN THE STUDIO

Adam asks Louis about hecklers – why do they go to the club? Louis says he guesses they want you to make fun of other stuff. Louis says when you make black jokes, and there are only one or two black people in the audience, nobody wants to laugh. If it’s all white people, or mostly black people, everybody will laugh.

Adam mentions how, at award shows, when a black person wins an award, they always cut to a reaction shot of another black celebrity in the audience. For example, if Morgan Freeman wins one, they’ll show Jamie Foxx.

Louis is a well-built guy, Adam says. Louis says he weighs 240, and Adam says he doesn’t look nearly THAT heavy. It must be the freckles, Adam thinks – if people were betting on a fight between Louis CK and Gary Coleman, everybody would put their money on Coleman, because of the freckles.

Adam thinks it must be terrible if you have too many of those Championship Belts than can fit around your waist. Louis says he doesn’t think those are meant to hold up your pants, and Adam agrees, thinking it’s similar to the Stanley Cup – not meant to be used as a cup.

7:49 MORE WITH LOUIS CK

Louis weighed in at 235 on the studio scale. Adam points out that with different body types, the same weight at the same height can be very different. For an NFL player, 235 might be nothing. For others, 235 is a point where they might be considering surgery.

Louis will be at Cobb’s Comedy Club in San Francisco tonight and tomorrow.

A listener calls in with a story of coming up behind Louis CK while he had his shirt off, reaching around and playing with his chest. Louis said originally he’d thought it was a friend of his, and when he turned around and saw it was a complete stranger, he nearly punched the guy in the face. The caller thinks he “woulda lost”.

Adam decides it’s time for Louis to play a little asskiss rodeo.

Louis says that Adam always gets people at asskiss rodeo with the polar opposites. He equates it to bull-riding, where suddenly the bull decides “I’m not a bull anymore”, and disappears.

8:06 AN APOLOGY

Adam wishes to apologize for a bit that was done at the expense of the Asian community.

8:08 ROY HORN ON THE PHONE

A Roy Horn impersonator calls in, and “feels like a million bucks.”

8:22 JEFF CONAWAY IN THE STUDIO

Adam asks how old Jeff Conaway was when he was in the Grease stageplay. Jeff says he was 22. Adam wonders if Jeff was upset that John Travolta got the part that Jeff was playing in the stageplay, and Jeff says he wasn’t expecting to be in the film at all. Travolta had already gotten big from Saturday Night Fever, Jeff says.

Jeff says he apologizes for his use of language sometimes, but he is in fact a Christian. Adam points out that he’s a Christian, but he’s also a New Yorker.

Jeff recently got out of rehab, where he saw Adam’s friend Dr. Drew. He says he was having problems with Xanax. He’s been clean for 40 days now.

He wants to clear things up, Jeff says. He never took any of that stuff during the day. He would always use it at night, because he didn’t want to be goofy during the day.

Adam says it’s very important that when people are wasted, they need to know they are wasted. They need to keep their self-control somewhat going and know that they shouldn’t be standing up and making proclamations, or driving, etc.

Jeff is taking trazadone to help him sleep; it’s basically three anti-depressants in one. Adam is miffed – he’s been trying to get those from Dr. Drew for years. Jeff says they’re bad.

When he was in Grease, several times his character had to fall backwards, and some of the people who had to catch him thought it would be funny to let him hit the ground several times. Twenty years later, he still has physical problems from it.

Jeff says he has a chemical imbalance that makes him depressed – he was suicidal at age three, but decided he couldn’t do that to his mother. Adam says that even though he’s had all these sitcoms, and movies, and shows, he was still like that? Jeff says it just couldn’t fill the hole.

Adam wonders how Jeff is doing in the money department. Jeff says he’s been blessed, because he’s always worked.

8:45 MORE WITH JEFF CONAWAY

Adam wants to know how someone on Celebrity Fit Club lost 30 pounds when they are under 200 to begin with. Jeff says they had a Marine drill sergeant who was putting him through the paces.

Adam wonders what happened with Chastity on Celebrity Fit Club. He thinks she’s like a Maserati and a Bentley colliding and producing a Hyundai.

The ninth step of Alcoholics Anonymous, making amends, makes Adam uncomfortable, he says. He understands that the things people do when they’re loaded aren’t meant to be totally harmful, and he doesn’t need to hear the apologies.

Jeff describes an incident where two friends took all of his prescription drugs, which he actually needed, from him to help him out when he was trying to get sober. He called them panicked – “I need those drugs!” They told him to call his doctor and get more, because they weren’t giving them back.

Adam asks if Jeff is still in touch with John Travolta, and if John is “kooky” from Scientology. Jeff says Scientology worked for Travolta, and he was recruited, but he told them it wasn’t for him.

9:03 MORE WITH JEFF CONAWAY

Adam says that he once had someone attempt to convert him to Buddhism, and it made him realize why religions like Scientology work, even though they might seem odd to other people. If it gets people moving in the right direction, then so be it.

Scientologists have started being stealthier about it, Jeff says. They don’t come out and say they are talking about Scientology, they just tell you what they believe, etc.

9:11 GERMANY OR FLORIDA?

A 55 year old man has confessed to bludgeoning his roommate to death with a hammer after an argument over a roll of toilet paper. Jeff guesses Florida. Dave guesses Florida as well. Rachel knows the answer, so she recuses herself. Mike Lynch, same thing. Adam says Germany, just to break it up. The answer: A mobile home in Florida.

Jeff says that people should call 888-30-GONOW. If you call that number, you will get 3 days and 2 nights in Vegas at a major resort on the strip, at no cost, as a celebration of the grand opening of Tahiti Village. You visit Tahiti Village for about an hour, you see the suites, etc.

Celebrity Fit Club 3, Sunday nights at 9pm EST/PST on VH1.

9:29 BIG TAD

Big Tad went in for another enema. Adam says if he worked the enema clinic, and saw Big Tad coming in his ’86 Citation with the court-ordered breathalyzer attached to the ignition, he’d immediately take his lunch break. Models with eating disorders only, please.

9:30 NEWS RECAP

Rachel recaps the morning news.

Eight workers from a meat processing plant in Nebraska won the Powerball jackpot. They are taking the lump sum option.

Scientists think they may have isolated a possible “gay” gene.

Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers has claimed that their new album is “the best that they can do.”

9:42 SPORTS

Dave recaps the sports news.

9:52 LINDSAY, ADAM’S ASSISTANT

Adam’s assistant Lindsay is in the studio. He asks her if he likes working for her, and she says yes. She says Adam is laid back, gives good advice, and is a guy’s guy.

Lindsay is going to karaoke along to Pinball Wizard.

ADAM WITH TED NUGENT, OZZIE, BRITTANY, KEVIN NEALON

ADAM WITH TED NUGENT, OZZIE, BRITTANY, KEVIN NEALON– February 21, 2006 – 5am to 10am, PST

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 ADAM’S USED FERRARI

Adam bought a used Ferrari on eBay – a cheap one, but still a Ferrari. It was supposed to be delivered on Friday, but it never showed up. He waited all day and all night Saturday, and it still didn’t show up. It finally arrived on Sunday. Adam says it ruined his whole weekend. Dave asks if it had a huge bow on top of it. Adam says that for a $50 delivery fee, anything should have a huge bow on it. Even legal documents.

6:09 DAVE’S WEDDING

Dave went to check into the Presidential Suite at his hotel for his wedding, and they told him the room had a plumbing issue and wasn’t available. They offered him another room, but it wasn’t nearly good. Dave asked to see the room to see how bad it is, and they refused to show him. He asked the manager, and they dodged again. Finally, after asking for compensation for him and his entire wedding party – they let him in the room.

Adam says this is a tactic they use to book the room for a higher profile guest. They have to boot the guest that has the room already, so they’ll try to make up an excuse and see if you will put up a fight.

6:14 PAYCHECKS

To Adam, the scariest part of life is when you stop physically getting paid. Early in life, you get physical payment for your jobs – babysitting, lawn mowing, etc. At some point in Adam’s life, he stopped getting physical paychecks – they all go through someone else now, and he never actually sees any of it.

6:16 SENSE OF HUMOR

Adam feels like there isn’t a white man over the age of 35 who doesn’t think they are hilarious when they have a few drinks in them. They get drunk during the day, they see Adam, and think “hey, it’s the Man Show guy, time to go lay on some material.”

6:19 VEGAS SHOW

A listener from Phoenix calls in to see if he’s going to have time to drive from Phoenix to Vegas and still make the show. Adam reminds everybody that the Vegas show isn’t going on at the normal time – it’s starting at 3pm.

Remember, hotels have check-in times, Adam says. Back in the day, him and some buddies went to Vegas at around 5am, and they couldn’t check into their hotel for 14 hours.

6:30 USELESS STATS

Adam thinks that the USA Today snapshots are usually useless and don’t tell you anything important, so why not replace them with pictures of missing children? The same goes for the unfunny comics. Adam thinks these papers should try and fill their papers with content, but they don’t.

One example Adam gives: how high will the cost of a barrel of oil go this year? Are they stopping people on the street and asking them? And why do these graphs include the statistic of “No idea” or “Don’t know”?

6:34 TUESDAY MORNING FOOTBALL

Adam misses football season. They want to have a Howard Cosell sound-alike read off games that took place thirty years ago and bet on the results. Jayce calls in to play along; Adam will play for him.

Chiefs vs. Saints: Chiefs win.
Bears vs. Vikings: Bears win.
Lions vs. Cowboys: Cowboys win.
Colts vs. Patriots: Colts win.

Adam and Dave are tied. Tiebreaker – Rams vs. 49ers: Rams win.

Adam and Jayce win – Jayce will take home a Hooters gift certificate.

6:50 BIG TAD’S DIET

Big Tad is on a liquid diet this week. He’s carrying around this special drink in a gallon jug, and he’s pretty much just drinking nothing but that. Adam chuckles about the bottle having “TAD’S – DO NOT TOUCH” written on it. He feels the “DO NOT TOUCH” part is unnecessary. Just the name will suffice.

6:51 ED’S DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES UPDATE

Ed in Las Vegas has called in to give us the Desperate Housewives update. Ed mentions that he had cookies for breakfast. Adam thinks that if white men ate the same food as black men, they’d die by age 30. Ed doesn’t necessarily agree.

Ed hadn’t seen Desperate Housewives before, but he’s watched this episode four times on his DVR, so he knows what happened. Ed mentions that they show Lois Lane on the show, and Adam asks if Ed knows her real name. Ed says Lois Lane; Adam reminds him that Teri Hatcher is the actual name of the actress. Ed says she tells her husband that she threw away her wedding ring, and the husband made her go out and look for it with a metal detector. Then someone fell asleep in a yard, and they turned on the sprinklers to wake her up. They showed eight commercials! Ed starts reviewing the commercials, too, and Adam tells him he doesn’t have to do that. When the show came back on, a blonde lady fired her babysitter. Ed didn’t like that part. He says that Gabriella is very pretty. Rachel interjects that the actress is Eva Longoria. Gabriella’s husband wants to have kids, but she can’t, so her mom offers to have it. They end up deciding to adopt. Ed didn’t like the red haired lady and the blonde haired lady. Overall, he recommends this show to everybody.

7:09 HORSE RACE

A listener calls in to report that there’s a horse named Mahallo, and he put $20 on it. But it lost. Adam says he’ll give the guy his $20 back. Mahallo means “Thank you” in Hawaii.

7:14 NEWS

The Powerball jackpot winner has not come forward yet.

There is no hope of finding any more survivors after the landslide in the Philippines.

65 miners are still trapped in a collapsed mine in Mexico after a gas explosion.

An Arab company may soon control six major ports on the east coast.

A Houston company is charging one to five thousand dollars to put your remains in space, in an effort to make space travel more affordable for everybody.

“Eight Below” with Paul Walker is the number one movie in America; it brought in $21 million.

Nick Lachey is seeking alimony from Jessica Simpson; she had asked that he not be allowed to get spousal support. Adam thinks that between ruining “These Boots Were Made For Walkin’” and her new commercials, Jessica Simpson is everything that’s wrong with this country, and she’s why the terrorists hate us.

7:21 SPORTS

Torino. Germany now leads the medal count: 19 total. Norway and Austria have 17. The U.S. has 15.

Tonight – women’s figure skating begins.

NBA All-Star game in Houston. East won by two.

Barry Bonds said he was going to retire after ’06, and then immediately reversed the decision. Adam says that everybody hates Barry Bonds, universally.

Ricky Williams failed another drug test – his fourth.

7:35 TED NUGENT ON THE PHONE

Ted’s calling in from his ranch. Adam says he can’t call it a farm because Ted kills things, he doesn’t grow them. Ted and Adam get into a discussion about people who are against hunting, and how many of them eat meat themselves. Ted says that a very large amount of people spew hypocrisy in this country. Adam says there’s a correlation between people who love animals and people who hate other people. Ted says he’s received death threats from people on this issue. Adam believes he’s not delusional about his relationship with his pets. He thinks if his dog had opposable thumbs, it would smother him in his sleep, then have sex with his wife.

Ted’s got a show on the Outdoor Life Network called Ted Or Alive. Sundays at 10pm EST/PST.

Adam admits that when he went fishing, he couldn’t bring himself to kill a 55-pound fish that he had caught, and had a friend do it. Ted reminds him that you can’t grill it until you kill it.

7:54 OZZIE IN THE STUDIO

Adam asks what Ozzie is up to. Ozzie says garden work, and he wants to borrow Adam’s hammer. Adam says he can have it later. Ozzie is here for a special President’s Day edition, and he’s going to read the Gettysburg Address. But first, they have him read the lyrics to Wango Tango by Ted Nugent.

8:09 BRITNEY IN THE STUDIO

Britney is in the studio to sing a song. Adam declares her a solid C cup, and she says that’s right. She used to be a sales person at the station. Adam mentions that she likes the “dark chocolate”, and wonders if she was at the NBA All-Star games. She says no, but she met a new boyfriend at the supermarket. Adam wants to know how that can even happen – what do you say to pick up a girl at a supermarket? Apparently he’d heard her on the show. She’s going to perform a song about her new boyfriend in honor of Black History Month.

8:15 WHAT CAN’T ADAM COMPLAIN ABOUT?

Adam went with his wife to get an ultrasound done, and he managed to complain about it. He wondered what, if anything, he wouldn’t complain about. So, Dave and Rachel are going to toss him some topics, and we’ll see if Adam can come up with complaints about it.

Organ Donation: Adam doesn’t like the sticker they give you for your license. It gets rolled up in your wallet. Also, why do some people refuse to be organ donors? Dave gives him extra credit for complaining about organ donors, then complaining about people who aren’t organ donors.

Boobs: Adam loves boobs. But, he says, a lot of guys don’t like boobs that are too big, and he thinks that’s ridiculous.

Smoked Meat: He loves smoked anything, but he thinks it’s a cop-out. They take bad anything, and smoke it. Bad nuts? Smoke it. Bad cheese? Smoke it. He also hates the “smoked chemical” they add to things to flavor them.

8:30 KEVIN NEALON IN THE STUDIO

Kevin is going to be performing at the Brea Improv, this Thursday through Sunday. Adam says he doesn’t know if people realize that Kevin does stand-up. Kevin agrees – he doesn’t think people know.

On his experiences with the Tonight Show, Kevin says that if you get called over to the couch to talk after your act, it’s like winning the lottery, and then getting to sleep with Miss America.

Adam asks Kevin to play a little “What Can’t Adam Complain About?”

Love: Overrated.

Someone praising Adam: He doesn’t like it — they’re trying to get at his money.

Deep tissue massages: Adam says they hurt, but you don’t want to complain, because you don’t want to feel like a wimp.

Face transplants: Adam saw Face-Off, and he was angered.

Bathroom attendant: Adam thinks he puts pressure on you. You don’t want to tip him, but you sort of have to. Plus, you feel sorry for the guy.

A caller, Jeremy, says Adam can’t complain about an orgasm. Adam says he can. For a guy, it’s a mess. And for a woman, you can’t tell if she’s faking or not. Once you know they fake it, it calls everything into question. Now Adam assumes that all of them are fake. Jeremy decides to complain that he looks too much like Adam. Rachel says that this is the person that Adam has been looking for his whole life – his doppelganger.

8:53 MORE WITH KEVIN NEALON

A caller comes on and asks if Adam can complain about TiVo. Adam says he loves the device, but he hates the character associated with it.

Now, Kevin has to complain about topics.

James Taylor – Kevin thinks he doesn’t tour enough.

Dental floss – Can’t floss in public.

Early Barbara Eden – Did not come out of the bottle enough.

9:08 MARK THE POET

Mark the Poet is on the line to read a poem about being laid off.

9:13 NEWS RECAP

Rachel recaps the morning’s news.

Bush gave a speech about new, upcoming alternative energy sources that, Rachel says, are going to blow our freakin’ minds.

The Bachelor is airing its season finale next week.

A man created a contract for his wife to sign, dictating her “wifely duties.”

9:22 SPORTS

Dave recaps the sports news.

9:32 OZZIE BACK IN THE STUDIO

Ozzie Oswaldo is back for more historic speeches. This time, he’s going to be doing a JFK speech.

9:48 HONEYMOONS

Adam thinks the honeymoon has lost its’ allure, now that guys don’t have to wait until the honeymoon to have sex.

9:51 DAVE’S PRESIDENT’S DAY LIST

Dave has a list, in honor of President’s Day — the best holidays.

Chanukah. Eight days of presents!
Saint Patrick’s Day. The green beer makes your pee green.
Memorial Day.
Thanksgiving. Great meal, start of a holiday season.
April Fools Day. License to be a jerk to your friends.

And Dave declares the best holiday to be… Thanksgiving!

ADAM WITH SHAUN WHITE, RICHARD MARTIN, DAVID GOLD, DAVE ATTELL, DR. MICHAEL QUICK

ADAM WITH SHAUN WHITE, RICHARD MARTIN, DAVID GOLD, DAVE ATTELL, DR. MICHAEL QUICK — February 17, 2006 – 5am to 10am, PSTDial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 OLYMPICS / INTRODUCTION

Rachel mentions that when she walked into the Green Room this morning and saw Shaun White, she was confused because she thought he was supposed to be in Torino. He’s just made it back stateside.

Dave says snowboard cross sounds like a made up sport. Adam adds that it seems like something they’d say on a sitcom when the character is reaching for a fake name.

Dave’s mom is in town for his wedding, so she’ll be on the program later this morning reading some of the fan mail.

Dave Attell is coming in today. Adam points out that many aspiring comedians go see Dave Attell when they are just starting out, which he says isn’t smart, because you’ll never be as funny as Dave Attell. After you watch him, you’re just not going to feel like a funny person.

6:06 WEDDING PRESENTS

Adam and his wife were trying last night to determine whether or not they should try to get a gift for Dave’s wedding. Adam says that whole concept confuses him, because of how screwed up his family was. His family never celebrated holidays on the right day, they were incredibly cheap, etc. His sister’s wedding barely cost $350, and it was done at their house – they drew the line at using metal silverware instead of plastic.

Adam thinks that when poor people give money as a gift, it can seem very generous. But when people who have a lot of money give it as a gift, it seems like it’s a slap in the face, because the percentage is so low.

6:22 SHAUN WHITE IN THE STUDIO

Adam wonders if Shaun’s gold medal is plated or solid gold. He doesn’t know, but they all agree it’s pretty heavy. When Shaun got off of the plane, they rushed him into a whirlwind press tour, shot his picture for the cover of Rolling Stone, etc.

The celebrity status of an Olympian comes so fast, Adam thinks. Nothing propels you into national stardom faster than winning an event in the Olympics. One day barely anybody knows you, and the next day, everybody in America has heard of you.

Adam says the luge is one of those sports where anybody who got drunk enough could pull it off. Snowboarding is more of a difficult sport, despite the negative attitude some people have towards the Winter Olympics athletes.

The two or three sports that seem like anybody could do them ruin it for the rest of the sports, Adam says. People don’t realize how difficult these sports are, and don’t respect the athletes enough, especially when you compare them to other sports, like baseball.

6:29 X-GAMES

Adam asks Shaun what some of the more dangerous X-Games sports are. Shaun feels like motocross is pretty scary, and wonders who thought of the idea of putting motorcycles in the snow.

Adam has a little advice for Shaun. People are going to be throwing deals at him, managers will be telling him what to take and what not to take, etc. Adam has advice for what not to do: you can do some drugs, but not too many, and don’t marry a crazy woman, because that will destroy you.

Shaun will be on Jimmy Kimmel’s show today. Adam gives him a quick story to tell on Kimmel’s show to “bust his balls.”

6:46 REPUBLICAN RICHARD MARTIN IN STUDIO

Adam says that once an approval rating for the President drops below a certain percentage, it becomes a disapproval rating. Richard says that the President has a great approval rating whenever he goes to things like rodeos and country clubs, etc. Adam points out those are sort of “red state” activities.

Adam asks Richard to rate a list of Presidents, in honor of President’s Day on Monday.

Buchanan: 75/100
Reagan: 100/100 – For emancipating the insane from their medication.
Clinton: 3/100 – Two points for being fun to impeach, and one for just stayin’ alive.
Bush: 101/100 – Solid guy. Not afraid to tell the terrorists to bring it on.

Richard says his all-time favorite President is Dick Cheney. Adam says he supposes some people think Dick Cheney is pulling the strings. Richard says he meant George W. Bush, and how dare Adam infer that.

7:02 VEGAS TRIP

March 9th, the Adam Carolla Show will be in Las Vegas, at the Palms, starting at 3:30pm.

7:04 THE JUSTICE SYSTEM

Adam calls himself a “stupid Leonardo Da Vinci.” He comes up with ridiculous ideas way ahead of their time. He’s now predicting a breakthrough with lie detectors. We’ve learned more in the past 5 years about the brain than we did in the past 500.

He thinks they should use this lie detection technology to put an end to trials and the court systems. It costs a fortune to put people through a trial, and there are so many factors like discrimination, adequate representation, etc. We need an infallible lie detection system so we can just hook people up to it and figure out if they committed the crime. Once we do that, we can turn the courthouses into strip clubs.

7:08 NEWS

At least 23 are dead and 1500 missing after a massive land-slide swallows hundreds of houses and an elementary school in the Philippines.

Washington Police declared that the number 1 commodity in their state is marijuana, after seizing so much of it last year.

Bush spoke yesterday about Cheney’s reaction to the accident, saying that his explanation was “powerful”.

A gym teacher in Florida is in jail on bribery charges for accepting $1 a day from students to stay out of gym class. He is suspected to have earned over $1,000.

In entertainment, a video featuring Kid Rock and Scott Stapp getting oral sex from groupies. The video is being released by the same company who was behind the release of “One Night in Paris”.

7:18 SPORTS

Winter Games. U.S. has 6 gold medals. 3 other countries have won more already, including the Norwegians and the Germans. Canada is one medal away.

Russia won gold in Men’s Figure Skating, while American Johnny Weir did not place, and blamed the bus not picking him up on time.

Phoenix beat Houston.
NBA is on break for the All-Star game.

Stanford won.
Cal won.
Washington won.

7:30 DAVID GOLD IN THE STUDIO

A neurologist from USC will be coming on to discuss the feasibility of Adam’s lie detector eliminating the court system.

David Gold, the president of the 99 Cents Only store is in the studio. Adam brings up that these 99 Cents Only stores used to be in bad neighborhoods, but now the most successful ones are in high income neighborhoods.

The store was founded on Friday, August 13th, 1982. Adam wants to know how they can possibly afford to sell everything there for 99 cents, especially things like jumper cables and steaks. Mr. Gold says that their vendors are basically forced to sell them anything at 75 cents per unit or less.

A caller is on the line who bought a 99 cent set of jumper cables three years ago and still uses them — they work great.

7:48 MORE WITH DAVID GOLD

Adam asks David that since he’s worth $650 million, what kind of car does he drive? He says he’s driving a Prius, not just because of cost, but because he feels strongly about conservation.

David says he doesn’t consider himself frugal, but he doesn’t spend a crazy amount of money on himself.

Adam says it’s never been a better time to be poor in the United States. He gets aggravated that everything in this country costs so little, because he has so much money. David disagrees – he says it’s a bad time to be poor in this country, because the housing costs are so high.

7:54 THE TASTE TEST

It’s time to do the taste test – wine for $80 a bottle, versus wine for 99 cents a bottle.

Adam tries the one on the left first. “It’s nice […] it has a nice finish, it’s assertive without being pushy.”

Now, he tries the one on the right. “It’s nice too, it’s a little fruitier.” Adam points out that even if you can tell the difference, if the other one doesn’t taste like radiator fluid, it’s a victory.

Rachel picks the one on the right to be the 99 cent one. Dave goes with that choice as well. Adam also picks the one on the right as the 99 cent one. They’re all correct – but Adam restates that the 99 cent one tastes fine.

8:05 DAVE ATTELL IN THE STUDIO

Dave Attell has joined the show. Adam again points out that after he saw Dave Attell doing stand-up, he realized he had no business doing stand-up.

Dave will be at the Brea Improv through Sunday. He says when he’s out in Los Angeles he tries to hit as many clubs as he can. Adam asks if he’s aspiring to be an actor of any kind, or to get his own sitcom. Dave says no way – he’s no actor.

Adam and Dave talk about championing the Special Winter Olympics.

Adam wants to ask Dave a few hypothetical questions. Would you rather work with someone who is completely disgusting and have everybody think you are having sex with them, or would you rather have sex with them, and nobody would ever know? Dave says he’d have to go ahead and have the sex, just for the bragging rights.

Would you rather be on a cross-country trip with a person who claims they can’t handle caffeine, or the bad weird limp handshake guy? Dave says the limp handshake guy. Adam says wrong. The handshake is just a precursor to the weirdness that is this guy, Adam thinks.

The pretty-boy who grows the bangs out the same length as the hair, and is constantly pulling them back, or the guy who interviews himself (i.e. “Do I think there’s a problem in the Middle East? Yes I do!”)? Dave says he’d rather light himself on fire than be with either one, and Adam says that’s correct.

8:27 MORE WITH DAVE ATTELL

Adam talks about how aggravating it can be when comedians get up on stage for 2-3 hours. Dave adds that it’s worse when they have cards and notebooks that they are reading from.

Adam decides that comedy is a job for the essentially unemployable. He adds that two-thirds of Hollywood would be unemployed a hundred years ago.

A caller comes on and asks if Dave ever repeats the same joke twice. Dave and Adam both say that it’s virtually impossible to have fresh material every night.

Adam says they have to move on to the USC neurologist, and explains to Dave how he wants to hear about the feasibility of his new lie detector system. Dave says he can just see Adam sitting at home at night, theorizing.

8:43 MORE ON ADAM’S LIE DETECTOR

Adam says he does this show for the money, but also to use it as a pulpit for social change. Dr. Michael Quick is in the studio, the head of the Neurology department from USC.

Michael confirms that we’ve learned more about the brain in the past few years than we had learned in a very long time. He also confirms that you can put something in front of someone, and monitor what goes on in their brain to see how they are reacting to it.

Adam asks that if we focused on this lie detection scheme, in five years, could we get something that’s 90% accurate? Michael says it’s already there, and it’s already 99% accurate, even. Adam asks him: Why would we need the court system, if we can have this system?

Adam says too many people will compare this to “Big Brother,” but he feels that the government doesn’t really want to focus on imprisoning innocent people. They’d rather just collect your tax money.

Rachel thinks that we won’t ever have this, for the same reasons we won’t have national health care: too many people are making too much money in this industry.

Michael mentions that these systems are already in use for advertising and market research.

9:04 ED IN LAS VEGAS

Ed calls in and says Adam’s picture is all over Las Vegas. He says it’s cool that Dave is from Indiana, but he doesn’t like that Dave doesn’t like the coach of the University of Indiana.

Ed thought Adam was black the first time he heard him on the radio. And after he saw Adam’s picture, he says he still wasn’t sure. Adam asks what Ed’s been watching on his Tivo – mostly TV Land, but sometimes Oprah, too.

Adam asks if Ed can watch Desperate Housewives for them, so they can keep up on it better. He wants Ed to watch it on Sunday, take notes, then call in on Tuesday and report. Ed says he’ll do it.

9:12 NEWS RECAP

Rachel recaps the morning news.

Secret tapes of Saddam Hussein, supposedly made in 1991, have been released today, predicting terrorist attacks against the United States.

New movies this weekend: Freedomland with Samuel L. Jackson, Eight Below with Paul Walker, Date Movie and Winter Passing.

Lisa Marie Pressley got married, and Paris Hilton celebrates her 25th birthday today.

9:22 SPORTS RECAP
Dave recaps the sports news.

9:34 DAVE’S FAMILY

Dave’s family is in the studio. Dave tells Adam and Rachel to tell everybody that it’s his show and not Adam’s.

Adam tells Dave’s mom that maybe she loves her son too much. On Valentine’s Day, she made Dave sandwiches and cut them in the shape of a heart. Rachel points out that Dave’s new wife has a lot to compete with. Adam says it’ll be fun if Dave’s mom will read emails that people send in to Dave from all over the country, because the rest of the country is not nearly as in love with Dave.

The first few emails are very complimentary. The next couple of emails both tell Dave to stop yelling. The rest of the emails are all rather harsh, but she takes them in jest. Finally, she gets to one that she refuses to read. Adam convinces her to read it: “Kill yourself immediately. If I was born with your voice, I would’ve done so a long time ago.”

9:49 MORE WITH DAVE’S FAMILY

Adam compares his family with Dave’s. He points out that for 10 years he was on a flagship station, KROQ, in Los Angeles, and for 10 years, his dad did not know what station Adam’s show was on.

Dave’s fiancé Cindi is at the microphone. Adam tells her that her hair is beautiful right now, and begs her to not “mess it up” before the wedding by going to a stylist to get it made fancy. All they’ll do is make it look worse. Plus, it’s good to be able to recognize the person getting married.

Cindi agrees to read her vows for the wedding on the air.

ADAM WITH MARK BURNETT, RICK FOX, FINESSE MITCHELL

ADAM WITH MARK BURNETT, RICK FOX, FINESSE MITCHELL — February 16, 2006 – 5am to 10am, PST

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 DRIVER’S LICENSE PICTURES

Adam kicks off the show asking about Rachel’s new hair-do. She’s just paranoid because she’s getting her driver’s license picture taken today, and wants to look good so she’s not stuck with a bad picture. Adam is blown away that she’d go to the trouble just to get her license picture taken. Men wouldn’t go to nearly the trouble, or even think of it.

The reason people are getting fatter is that now they are wearing baggier and baggier clothes. They are even making “designer sweats” now, and it makes people think it’s okay for them to dress like that all the time. People should wear clothes that don’t fit right so they’ll stop eating so much. Adam refers to it as “feeling the pinch.”

6:08 COPS

Adam says cops are generally stupid guys. Well, not stupid, but not smart. Adam gets a lot of crap for calling out soldiers, but they were generally C and D students in school that got into these roles. The smart ones ended up in college, because they got the scholarships.

Adam laments that affirmative action kept him out of firefighting, and he didn’t want the baggage associated with being a cop. Cops must be trained to keep talking – they filibust you, so you can’t get any words in.

They must teach a lot of verbal control and command to these cops in school. They have to deal with so many boozed-up and drugged-up people, so they need language that can “cut through the fog” so that anybody can understand them.

6:12 MORE LICENSE PHOTOS
Dave’s picture shows his face so fat it cuts his cheeks off. Rachel’s still holding out and hasn’t shown them her current license photo, which is apparently pretty bad.

Adam’s license shows his middle name as “Lakers”, even though it’s not true. He just decided to pencil it in when he got his license and they were doing good.

6:13 SMART COP

Ed calls in and says he’s got a son who is a cop and he’s smart. He doesn’t like that Adam is trashing cops. Adam clarifies it – he doesn’t mean dumb, it’s just average. The people who become cops aren’t “smart”; they aren’t going to Stanford or anything. They’re good guys.

The show is going to Las Vegas on March 9th, and Ed lives across from where they are doing it. He wants tickets – they’re going to hook him up. Adam says he’s going to crash at Ed’s place after the show.

6:16 TIVO

Everybody should get a Tivo, Adam thinks. Then he decides that he should be getting compensated for all of the product placing he does with people he knows.

6:17 NAPS

A lot of people Adam knows take naps, but they don’t want to bother setting their alarm just for a nap, so it’s not a good nap, because they’re constantly watching the clock.

Get a digital timer from the supermarket. Set it for how long you want to nap, and go to sleep. You don’t have to mess with your alarm clock.

6:20 MORE ON INTELLIGENCE

Adam is keen on being smarter than everybody he’s around. Rachel points out that he’s definitely like that with his wife.

Intelligence doesn’t equate to happiness. Adam says his dog is probably much happier than him, because the dog doesn’t know he’s going to die. Intelligence doesn’t make you any happier, or any more money.

Adam mentions that cops are good-natured and generally nice guys, but they aren’t smart. They are average intelligence. Why does everybody have to be a genius? If everybody is, nobody is.

6:22 DEODORANT

Sometimes you smell somebody and you don’t smell their BO or anything, but you smell their deodorant. Why would someone wear deodorant that actually smells like deodorant? Wear something that has another scent.

6:34 WHICH WEIGHS MORE?

Tad weighed in at 322, the goal is 315. If he drops the weight, he goes to Vegas. If he doesn’t, he has to shave off half his mustache. It’s diabolically simple – Tad has a huge handlebar mustache.

To help him drop some weight, Tad got a colonic.

Adam says there’s probably no middle ground in this industry – it’s either models or morbidly obese people.

6:49 MARK BURNETT

Big Tad game is on hold, because Mark Burnett is on the line. Mark Burnett is the producer of The Apprentice, Survivor and The Contender, among other things. Adam has a Survivor dance he does whenever the show comes on.

Adam thinks that these shows are all just metaphors for boxing.

The scoring on Mark Burnett’s shows is fantastic, Adam thinks. The music really adds a lot to the feel of each show. Mark says he’s picked composers from films that he liked, because the music is a very important aspect. Just because these shows are unscripted, doesn’t mean they should be any less dramatic. He points out that Hans Zimmer is the composer who did the music for The Contender, who has also scored many feature films.

Adam wants to pitch a show, an idea that Jimmy Kimmel never stops making fun of him for. It combines many elements of the shows he already does, and it’s called Renaissance Man. Quiz shows have tons of smart people on, but they’re weenies. Then you watch shows like American Gladiator, where it’s all brawny dumb guys. Adam wants a show that will find the Renaissance man, who could win a physical contest as well as a mental contest.

Rachel thinks this show would be great, and would not only watch it, but would host it.

Mark hates to break it to Adam, but a similar show, “Krypton Factor”, was already produced in the United Kingdom. He says it is a good idea though, and that Adam should do it. Adam corrects him – “we” should do it.

Adam is aggravated that American Idol is more popular than shows like Survivor, when American Idol is “dumb” entertainment.

Survivor is on tonight at 8pm EST/PST, on CBS.

7:11 WHICH WEIGHS MORE?

Everybody gets a Hooters $100 gift certificate if they win. Rachel is playing for James, and Dave is playing for Matt, and Adam is playing for Shawn.

Tad vs. a Jacuzzi
Answer: the Jacuzzi – 410lbs.

Tad vs. a Tortoise
Answer: the Tortoise – 400lbs.

Tad vs. 6 Curling Stones
Answer: Big Tad (the stones weigh 250lbs.)

Tad vs. The “Fat Man” Atomic Bomb dropped on Nagasaki
Answer: The Bomb – 10,300lbs.

Adam/Shawn won the gift certificate, 4 to zip.

7:17 NEWS

The lone survivor from the W. Va. Mine tragedy has started speaking.

Dick Cheney gave his first interview since he shot his friend. He claimed full responsibility for the accident.

They interviewed an “extractor” for the Westminster Kennel Club, who extracts the “samples” from the dogs.

American Idol decided on the final 24 people who will compete.

Jessica Simpson is whoring herself all over, according to tabloids. Reports have linked her to Jude Law.

7:22 SPORTS

Winter Games in Torino – the US has won 5 gold medals, we trail Norway in total medals.

U.S. hockey team tied Latvia yesterday.
NBA last night, Clips lost to Golden State.
Lakers lost at home to Atlanta.
Seattle, Portland and Sacramento all lost.
Phoenix won at Denver.

7:33 RICK FOX IN THE STUDIO

Rick Fox, former NBA star, is in the studio. Adam tells Rick he’s a beautiful man. He points out to Rick that his middle name on his license is Lakers.

Rick is divorced from Vanessa Williams, but has a child with his ex-wife, which lets him stay friends with her. Adam says people are going to look at the daughter and be disappointed no matter how beautiful she is, because of who her parents are.

He’s broken into acting – he’s currently on Love Inc, but he’s also been on Oz. He is also in a movie with Carrie Anne Moss that will screen at the Tribeca Film Festival this year, and will hopefully see a theatrical release.

He started playing basketball at age 15, when he saw it on television. His mom was in the Olympics for Canada, as a high jumper. He was raised in the Bahamas.

Dave is upset that he’s played basketball since he was 6 and he’s no good, and he’s never been discovered. Rachel points out that Rick is 6’9”.

Rick ended up at the University of South Carolina. He got his start in the NBA when the Boston Celtics drafted him in the first round, and he played with Larry Bird. Dave asks if Larry Bird was big with the ladies – definitely, in Boston.

He’s single and enjoying the single life after six years of marriage. Rick says he’s not good at relationships, and that’s what went wrong with his marriage. Adam wonders if it’s because actresses and people in the entertainment industry are much higher maintenance. Ultimately, Rick blames himself. Rachel asks if he’ll be able to love again, but he says not any time soon.

Rachel wants to know what Rick is looking for. He’s not looking to be in a relationship right now. Adam points out that Rick can just tell people he doesn’t settle down, so he can sleep around Hollywood.

7:54 PANDAS / MORE WITH RICK FOX

Adam goes on about how you have to be careful with dogs, because sometimes you think you’re having fun with the dog, and it’ll start humping your leg. Animals in general have this problem, except for pandas. They won’t ever get together, no matter how bad we try to make them.

Dave is wondering why Rachel isn’t all over Rick Fox. She points out she has a boyfriend, and he’s a guest. She asks if it’s polite to get all over the guests. Dave says she should take off her shawl. She’s a little appalled.

Adam again points out that Rick is built well. A lot of people get “weird looking” when they get bigger, but Rick looks great.

America needs to export ‘hating your parents’ to the world, instead of freedom. He says that’s where change begins – hating your parents. He says Rick could be an ambassador for hating your parents.

Dave interjects – Kobe versus Shaq. Who’s nicer? Rick says Shaq. Kobe is completely career focused. Adam points out that the best way to describe someone who’s an a-hole is to say something like: “So, how is Kobe?” “Well, Kobe’s Kobe.” That’s code for a-hole.

Rick says that the word “groupies” is used to describe female fans you run into, but it doesn’t totally apply. You really meet all kinds of women – single, married, dating, etc. They just want to spend time with you because you’re an athlete or a celebrity.

Love Inc. is on tonight at 8pm EST/PST on UPN.

8:12 SOPHIE MONK IN THE STUDIO

Sophie Monk has joined the program. She’s in Date Movie, which is released soon. Adam points out they may never see two more beautiful people on the show at the same time as Rick Fox and Sophie Monk.

Adam wonders if Australians have to “represent” their laid back attitude when they go around the world. She says no, for the most part she never thinks of it. There are uptight Australians, but they don’t let them out of the country.

Sophie Monk talks about her work with Eddie Griffin, and mentions that she’s got another movie coming out with Adam Sandler later this year called “Click”. She can also sing – she was on the Australian version of Pop Star.

They pressure her to decide who is the most attractive on the show. She really doesn’t want to do it. She says she wouldn’t sleep with anybody on the show; she’s not that kind of a girl.

Dave has labeled himself a god in the looks department, but Sophie gives him a 5. Dave says regardless of how she feels about herself, Sophie must get a lot of men throwing themselves at her. She says no – she’s single and not really looking.

Apparently, she was supposed to leave at the first break. Adam freaks a little, and asks her to stay. She says she’ll stick around.

8:30 MORE WITH SOPHIE MONK
Dave wants to know if Sophie goes for the rock star types. She says no, she bounces around to different types of men. Dave wants to know if they can go for miniature golf. She says she’s in.

They replay an interview Sophie had with the uptight Republican, asking her if she’s concerned kids will see this movie and start kissing goats. She was totally thrown off, because it was her first interview in America, and she thought it was totally serious.

Date Movie comes out this Friday.

Adam thinks Dave’s problem is that his mother is physically attracted to him. Dave says she’s a mother, but she’s also a woman, so it’s understandable. Dave thinks he’s much more attractive than he is for that reason.

8:43 FINESSE MITCHELL IN THE STUDIO

Finesse Mitchell is going to be performing at a theater in North Hollywood this weekend. Adam jokes that there’s a statue of him at the theater there, because North Hollywood is his stomping ground.

Adam talks about having to cram his pockets with candy to smuggle into the theater when he was a kid, because his parents wouldn’t pay for it at the theater.

Finesse has been added as an official cast member at Saturday Night Live, as this is his third year. He jokes that now he gets health insurance. There’s a lot of politics involved behind the scenes, but Finesse just shows up and does his job.

He played football for the University of Miami in the heyday of Miami ball. He was on the ’91 championship team. Adam asks him to do his Morgan Freeman and he riffs for a bit.

They talk about how TV programming changes very subtlely during Black History Month. You’ll see shows that are dedicated to looking at black contributions, and you’ll stop and remember, “Right, it’s Black History Month.”

9:02 TAD’S WEIGH IN IS COMING UP

Just a reminder that Tad is trying to get down to 315 from 322. If he hits the target weight, he’s off to Vegas for a fantasy weekend. If he doesn’t, they’re going to shave half of his mustache.

Tad says his enema yesterday set him back seventy-five bucks. Adam asks him to describe how it works. They stick a tube up there pretty far, and they shoot you up with warm water until you feel it come loose, and then they suck it back out.

Adam goes on a rant about how they pitch enemas as cleansing the toxins from your body. He doesn’t buy into it, but Tad does.

9:08 NEWS RECAP

Rachel recaps the morning news.

A whippet from the Westminster Kennel Club dog show escaped from his cage at the Kennedy airport. They are searching for him with helicopters. Adam points out that you can’t catch a whippet, and wants to know if there is a shortage of them that’s causing us to look for this one.

A Michigan man was caught having sex with a sheep, and they did DNA tests to prove that he was the one. The man feels that when he gets out of prison, he should not have to register as a sex offender.

9:16 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports news.

9:21 DAVE IS GETTING MARRIED

Adam brings up that Dave is getting married this weekend. Rachel can’t believe that someone is taking Dave off the market, but Adam points out that it’s an arranged marriage.

Adam asks what is attraction? It’s just the crap from your past that you’re now applying to other people. If you were an alcoholic, you’ll probably end up with another. Your radar for picking partners is tainted – you really shouldn’t pick your own. Arranged marriages would probably work a lot better.

9:33 TAD’S WEIGH IN

Jamilla, a Perfect 10 model is in the studio – she’ll be going with Tad to Las Vegas and escorting him around if he hits the target weight. Dennis the hairdresser is also in studio, who will be shaving off half of Tad’s mustache if he does not hit the target weight.

Tad managed to drop 10 pounds, hitting 312 pounds. Rachel still wants him to shave part of his mustache, but Tad won’t have it. Everybody feels bad for the poor model who has to escort him around. Adam reminds him that he’s one buffet trip away from putting all that weight back on.

9:45 MORE WITH TAD AND JAMILLA

Tad keeps gloating about his win. Adam says he’s going to go out and buy some rufees for the trip. He asks if anything physical is going to happen, and her long “ehhhhhhhh” tells Adam that she’d never consider it. He says these answers require just the right amount of “ehhhh” before them – not too much, not too little.

Adam asks if she’s been with a woman before – “ehhhhhhhhhh… that’s personal.” Adam checks that as a ‘yes.’

They want to see if Tad can keep losing more weight. Tad’s worried that they’re going to try and have him lose more weight than he could. They ask if he could do eight pounds – he tells them to kiss his butt. They wear him down and eventually they convince him to try for eight and a half pounds by next week. He complains that he has to starve himself, but he’s willing to give it a shot. If he wins, he’ll get NASCAR passes and pit passes. If he loses, he’ll have to sell Girl Scout cookies in a Girl Scout uniform at a busy intersection for the entire show.

ADAM WITH PAT O’BRIEN, LISA LOEB AND DAVID ALLEN GRIER

ADAM WITH PAT O’BRIEN, LISA LOEB AND DAVID ALLEN GRIER – February 15, 2006 – 5am to 10am, PST

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 ON BEING GAY

Adam notes that one of the greatest ironies of life is that when you’re a gay guy, you can tell a hot woman to take their pants off and off they come. You can feel them up and look at them naked – there’s no problem.

6:04 HISTORY

History is kind to the people who never give in. They will use phrases like “it wasn’t me” even when it was, but history will remember them as someone who never gave in and holds them in a special regard.

6:07 CHENEY

Cheney’s hunting partner had a heart attack because BBs made their way to his heart. Adam questions why these diabolical BBs would tunnel through the skin and make their way to the heart. Doesn’t your body push foreign objects out?

And Adam thinks about why Cheney didn’t call someone right away after he accidentally shot his friend. But the answer is simple: it’s a humiliating experience and the next month of his life is going to be hell. Everyone would try and cover up the same type of thing. People look for the path of least resistance.

Adam doesn’t blame a guy for lying either – like Clinton lied under oath in the Oval Office.

6:16 HOBOPOWER

Hobopower is a unit of measurement for stink, and a few weeks ago some milestones were created.

100-Hobopower is a hypothetical: no man has ever smelled 100-Hobopower and lived.

50-Hobopower is a cat that was fed exclusively blue cheese and that deficates on a white hot grill.

You can’t factor in the visual and/or emotional component of the stench of something when determining hobopower.

6:34 MORE FUN WITH HOBOPOWER

Adam discusses more hypothetical hobopower stench ratings with callers.

6:50 PAT O’BRIEN CALLS INTO THE STUDIO

Pat O’Brien from “The Insider” calls in to talk to Adam. Adam tells Pat that he would normally feel bad about having someone call in so early, but since Pat gets up at four in the morning to do his Tai Chi, he doesn’t feels so bad.

On The Insider this week, one of the main subjects is finding Paula Abdul a man with Doctor Phil.

Adam says he watches the show every night because he’s addicted to these types of shows.

7:15 THE NEWS

The government, stating that the response to the hurricane in New Orleans was a dismal failure, is releasing an official report.

Cheney’s hunting partner will be in the hospital for the next week-and-a-half due to a heart attack caused by pellets left inside of him moving to his heart.

A colored bull terrier was the first bull terrier to win the Westminster Dog Show.

Tom and Katie were reported as breaking up. Publicists deny the story.

7:24 THE SPORTS

Winter Games in Torino.

The US leads with 5 gold medals, but Russia leads with most overall medals.

7:42 LISA LOEB IN STUDIO

Lisa Lobe is in the studio. Her website is http://www.lisaloeb.com/.

Adam says she’s not tall, but he loves her.

Lisa wears a thong because it stops the panty line in the entire overall look. Adam thinks a thong is much more flattering when wearing jeans. Dave says that the problem is that when you have “extra padding” in back, you see the lines of the thong.

Adam asks Lisa if she is still single. She says there are some interesting fellows in contention, but she doesn’t have a ring. She does say that she feels her biological clock ticking and she wants to get married and have a family.

7:57 MORE WITH LISA LOEB

Her television show is “Number One Single” on E! on Sunday nights at 10 o’clock.

Adam notes that it’s sad that for men like George Clooney, there’s always a new young woman in line for them. But for women, they get to live ten years longer.

8:08 MORE WITH LISA LOEB

Lisa lives both in New York and Los Angeles. Her single, “Stay,” is one of Adam’s favorite songs.

Lisa uses Ambien and talks about how hungry it makes her. Right now, she’s craving food so she can get past the post-Ambien munchies.

Adam asks her about what happened with her date where she ate some doughnuts. She was ratted out to the Post in an article saying that her show would soon be over because she already found a boyfriend, even though it was only her second date with him.

When she broke up with Dweezil Zappa, it was a mutual breakup. They both felt that the relationship wasn’t continuing the way they wanted, and they mutually decided to part ways. They were engaged at the time.

Adam explains hobopower to Lisa and asks her if she has a hobopower story. She doesn’t really have a story, but she thinks the scent of brass zippers are pretty nasty. She made it to over thirty years of age and she doesn’t have a good hobopower story.

Her least favorite music is a song by Shania Twain where there’s a description of what it will take a man to get her. Her favorite song is a song that her sister wrote. It’s a dance song. She also loves the Hall and Oats son “Rich Girl.”

8:37 DAVID ALLEN GRIER IN STUDIO

David Allen Grier joins Lisa Loeb and Adam in the studio. Lisa stayed after the last break at David’s request. He asks her if she goes for the chocolate. She says she’d go with anyone who is nice and kind.

She says her mother wouldn’t kill herself if she went out with David. As long as the guy is nice, kind, and clever, it would be fine. It all depends on what their personality is.

David tells Lisa to get rid of the glasses and go with contacts. Cut her hair and dye it a different color. He thinks it’s time for her to move on. She says she’s changing internal things, not the superficial things.

David was in New York for fashion week last week. David claims that his girlfriend dragged him there.

Lisa asks for someone to take her to a strip club, because she’s never been to one. She has been to a Christina Aguilera show once.

8:51 MORE WITH DAVID ALLEN GRIER

David is going to be at the Ontario Imporv Thursday the 16th through Sunday the 19th.

David comments on Lisa Loeb, mentioning that he thinks she would be too high maintenance for him and she is like 100 years old.

Adam and David talk about the Olympics. Adam asks David if he had heard about what Bryant Gumbel said, regarding there being virtually no black athletes.

David is broken up over Michelle Kwan pulling her groin muscle and pulling herself out of the Olympics. There’s nothing left to pull for in the games now.

9:04 MORE WITH DAVID ALLEN GRIER

Denise, a caller, has a question for DAG. She wants to know why she’s so angry at women this morning. He tells her that he’s not angry. He was only trying to help the poor, lost soul sitting next to her.

9:07 DATING

Adam says that most people will tell you that they don’t care what your race is when it comes to dating. But when you ask them if they’ve ever dated anyone from another culture, more often than not the answer is, “No.”

9:09 HOBOPOWER

Dave tells Adam his hobopower story. It was hot and sticky in the apartment and he opened his apartment door and a scent just killed him. A 300-pound diabetic man died in a nearby apartment and was left there for three days. When the police came, the body was grey and swollen on the bed.

Adam tells his story about when he used to do earthquake rehab for subsidized housing. They had to go into every unit and earthquake proof the place. Everyone was old and nuts and everyone stunk. There was one guy who clipped every missing kid panel from the milk cartons he had drunk over the last 30 years. Another guy would defecate into a five-gallon bucket. He was doing his finish work and some pranksters from his crew hid the bucket behind some wood behind his table saw. They would drop steel bolts into the bucket of waste from a hole in the ceiling, and every time a bolt would hit the target it would splatter and Adam never heard it while his saw was running. He could only smell this ungodly stench.

9:23 MORE WITH DAVID ALLEN GRIER

DAG’s favorite musical artist is a barn burner/party starter: Johnny Guitar Watson.
His number one song is “Shake That Thing.”

David reads a passage from the Star Jones book as Maya Angelou.

Adam asks Rachel that if she had to go home with one guy in the room, based on general attraction, who would she pick? She asks him why he has such low self-esteem. Adam says he doesn’t have low self-esteem because we take it on the chin. Other things come into play.

Rachel makes a list of who she would go home with, bottom to top:

Mike Lynch
Dave Damashek
Jim Brusca
David Allen Grier
Adam Carolla

9:46 MORE WITH DAVID ALLEN GRIER

Adam was reminded that it’s Black History Month. Jerron, the show’s intern, is darker than David, but Adam says that Jerron’s soul is white and he needs some help assimilating into the black culture. David listens to him speak and gives him some pointers, but finally says that he can’t help him at all.

9:51 THE NEWS

Rachel recaps the news.

Lou Ferrigno is now an LA Sheriff’s Department reserve deputy.

9:52 THE SPORTS

Dave recaps the sports.

Clippers, Seattle loose.
Kings win.

VALENTINE’S DAY WITH ADAM AND CAROLINE RHEA

VALENTINE’S DAY WITH ADAM AND CAROLINE RHEA – February 14, 2006 – 5am to 10am, PST

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 PLANS

For Valentine’s Day, Rachel says that there’s nothing big going on. She’s just going to sit around with her boyfriend and enjoy their mutual love. Adam told his wife that he had something secret planned.

6:02 POLLS

Adam finds polls in the USA Today to be ridiculous. There’s always a certain percentage of people who don’t know what they think. He thinks those people shouldn’t be included.

According to the USA Today poll, one out of four women buy flowers for their husband.

Polls like this make Adam feel naïve, because he feels like he would know if someone he knew got flowers.

6:06 PARENTS

Parents place children on pedestals or resort to abject neglect. That’s why we have some people who feel like nothing they say is important or a person who thinks that everything they say is important.

Parents do little things that are bizarre and they’re all over the map. The important thing is that we all end up resenting our parents.

6:09 DAVE’S MOM ON THE PHONE

Dave’s Mom laughs because she used to make heart-shaped sandwiches for Dave when he was a kid on Valentine’s Day. And for dinner, they would have meatloaf in the shape of a heart, covered in catsup.

Adam asks Dave’s Mom if parents who do things for their children have more of a vote in things their children do later in life. She tells him that she should ask Dave himself.

6:15 MORE ON FLOWERS

A caller tells Adam then when you are a guy and you get flowers at work, you are considered a stud. His wife, before she became his wife, used to send him flowers all the time.

Dave thinks you’d have a better result if you hired a hot woman to come into the office and punch you and scream at you. Then all the women would watch you and wonder what the heck you did. The interest goes through the roof.

A woman called into the show and says that the number of women who send flowers to themselves is more in the realm of 80%. They like to make it seem like they have a boyfriend. And this is in huge contrast to the 22% of women that send flowers to themselves that USA Today reports.

6:21 JILLIAN BARBERIE CALLS IN

Jillian called into the show. She made the cut on “Skating with Celebrities”, making her one of the final two couples involved on the show.

6:29 MORE WITH JILLIAN BARBERIE

On “Skating with Celebrities,” the judges said that Jillian had a flawless routine, but it also had very little difficulty to it. Adam says that the judges are tough on her because she’s skated before and they expect a lot more from her. Kristy Swanson however, who also made the cut, has never really skated before and she is improving ever week.

Jillian says she can still skate better than Kristy, and the judges won’t recognize anything she had done.

Jillian talks about Valentine’s Day. She doesn’t have a boyfriend, she’s not going to ask a guy out and she’s not into people fixing her up. She says that she just wants a regular, normal guy.

Rachel thinks that Jillian just intimidates a lot of men.

Adam says that all of the women who say that they want a nice guy – they’re out there. The problem with nice guys is that they’re not exciting.

6:52 TORINO, ITALY

Giuseppe Palo calls in from Torino, Italy. He runs a gelato shop in the Olympic Village, and he wants the traffic to ease up a bit. The bell is broken on the door to his shop because of all of the Americans running into the shop. Bottom line: he tells Adam he just wants everybody to go home.

7:04 HOME IMPROVEMENT

A caller with a sliding pocket door had a wheel come off of the rail. Adam says that the pocket door is too much project for him. Just quit.

7:07 VALENTINE’S DAY SPEECH

Adam wants to hear your most heartbreaking story, because there’s nothing worse then getting your heart broken in a relationship to the point of getting pummeled. When your life is good, you can hurt for a couple of weeks and then you’re with someone new. When you’re a loser, you will hurt for as long as you are a loser.

Adam says that he knows a woman who cheated on her man and they way that the man found out was that there was a piece of the condom still inside of her.

7:15 THE NEWS

Rachel reports the news.

Saddam Hussein is on a hunger strike.

Coroners have determined that Chris Penn’s death was accidental.

Vice President did not have the proper $7 hunting license when he accidentally shot his friend this weekend.

7:21 THE SPORTS

Dave reports the sports.

Winter games: The U.S. has four gold medals, but they trail Russia and Norway in medals.

Lakers win.
Portland wins.
Memphis wins.

7:26 CHEATERS CAUGHT

A man called in to say that he walked in on his girlfriend wearing a strap-on, using it on another man and with that man’s girlfriend when he came home after working the graveyard shift.

7:37 CAROLINE RHEA IN STUDIO

Caroline Rhea, host of “The Biggest Loser” on NBC and “Sabrina: The Teenage Witch,” is in the studio with Adam.

Adam talks with Caroline regarding Conan O’Brien and the fact that he was banned from the show. He only knows this because when Kimmel was asked to do the show, he said he’d only do it if his partner Adam Carolla could be on the show with him. They said that they don’t do partners, yet Adam had done the show before with his other partner, Drew, not long before.

Caroline asks Adam what he’s doing for Valentine’s Day. He tells her that he took his wife out to dinner on Sunday, and every day is like Valentine’s Day for his wife. Besides, they have twins coming and they need to tighten their belts.

7:52 MORE WITH CAROLINE RHEA

Caroline says that she came to the studio following a bus with a picture of Adam on it. He says that he’s been stuck behind the bus with his picture on it, and it feels very awkward.

Dave wants to know why he’s not in the pictures. Caroline asks, more importantly, why Rachel isn’t in the pictures with Adam’s name displayed really small.

8:04 MORE WITH CAROLINE RHEA

Check out her CD “What is it you can’t face?” at http://www.carolinerhea.com.

Mike August used to be Caroline’s agent at William Morris. He once spoke to her and said that she looked great, but they were on the phone. She recalls that as being the all-time phoniest moment in show business.

Caroline remarks that Mike is commitment phobic. She finds it hard to believe that he hasn’t had sex in four years. Adam says that he’s an adult male living in Los Angeles, and he’s tried to fix him up, but nothing’s worked.

8:10 CELEBRITY ASS-KISS RODEO

Caroline plays ass-kiss rodeo with Adam. She couldn’t handle the first round because of his comment of “I love Dick Cheney.” She gets another chance to play. She falls off of the horse when she comments that the game is making her sick.

8:15 CALLERS WITH HARD LUCK STORIES

A lesbian truck driver calls into the show. She was driving across the country with her girlfriend. They were driving from Pennsylvania to California and were stuck in a blizzard for two days. During that time, she got cabin fever and her girlfriend told her every rotten thing she could think of for two solid days.

Adam says that a lot of homosexuals were created in the lab. The reason why there’s a high percentage of bad relationships in the homosexual world is because they were messed with already in the heterosexual world. Since there a large number of victims in the group, they have more problems to begin. They were abused from the onset.

8:27 MORE HARD LUCK STORIES

A man took his girlfriend to dinner and found another man’s seed on his jacket. She stuck to her guns and didn’t admit it, but when she went to the bathroom he checked it to see if it was, indeed, another man’s seed.

8:31 RICHARD MARTIN (R – OHIO) IN STUDIO

Richard Martin, from http://www.askarepublican.com, is outraged over the reaction regarding the whole Dick Cheney incident. Everybody has the right to express their opinion, but it’s really just the liberal media saying that they don’t have anyone who can appeal to the public. They have no policy and they have no candidates.

Adam brings up the point that they didn’t report the shooting right away. Richard says that, in the woods, they don’t bring cell phones and they were in the weeds. It takes a long time to make it back to civilization.

Richard asks Adam if the liberals got their hooks in Adam. Adam says yes because he doesn’t want to be ostracized by the comedic community.

8:39 ANOTHER HARD LUCK STORY

A woman tells Adam that her boyfriend was watching porn with one of his friends. She got bored, goes out and grabs a drink, goes back to her bedroom and finds the two men performing oral on each other. So what did she do? She stood there in disbelief and kept drinking.

8:50 MORE WITH RICHARD MARTIN

Richard is in the studio with Bill, the show’s board operator, and Bill’s boyfriend. Richard says he feels awkward standing in the same room with them. Adam asks why he keeps averting his eyes away from Bill. Richard says he doesn’t like to associate with them.

Dave asks why he would begrudge marriage between two gay men if they will be happy. Bill steps forward and says he simply doesn’t believe in marriage. Why does the government need to know who you’re having sex with?

9:06 MORE HARD LUCK STORIES

Andrew was dating a woman who was working as an escort while dating him. She ended up leaving him and moved to California. He ended up living out of his car for six months.

9:10 BILL

Bill and his boyfriend, Alfred, are in the studio. Adam learns that Bill pursued his boyfriend after meeting him at a fashion show. Adam wonders if, in alternate lifestyle relationships, the one who does the pursuing establishes themselves as the man of the relationship.

Bill tells Adam that Alfred is far better than other relationships he’s had. And since they live together, he also adds that Alfred is better than the other roommates he’s had.

9:28 GAY LOVE

Adam is amazed by how visceral and disgusting it is for a straight guy to watch two guys make out. He doesn’t know what it is, but he knows it’s on a much deeper lever than what society has taught you. If you’re straight and you see graphically depicted gay love, you would rather see someone have their legs taken off by a war surgeon.

Dave says that that’s the primary argument for gay marriage. You wouldn’t choose to be gay.

9:34 THE NEWS

Rachel recaps the news.

In the days before Neil Entwistle murdered his wife, he searched the Internet for escorts and how to kill people.

9:39 THE SPORTS

Dave recaps the sports.

The White Sox were at the White House yesterday to meet the President.

9:52 ADAM’S THEORY

Unfortunately, Adam will give his theory on men and women tomorrow because he’s almost out of time and doesn’t feel he can do it justice in three minutes.

Big Tad is drinking special water because he’s trying desperately to lose the weight.

9:54 JOE’S HARD LUCK

Joe lost his best friend, his job and his girlfriend in one hour. Adam gives him a gift certificate for $100 because they’re out of time and he appreciates Joe hanging on.