ADAM WITH ANDY MILONAKIS AND MONIQUE

ADAM WITH ANDY MILONAKIS AND MONIQUE – 5am to 10am, PST

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 THE EXCUSE

When Adam tells someone something like, “You need to be in the studio by 6am when the show starts,” they’ll always have some kind of an excuse, like “I was in studio C working on something!” Adam says he knows you were doing something else. He knows you weren’t abducted by aliens or anything. But, you need to be in studio by 6am.

6:06 JIMMY’S NOTES

They start discussing Jimmy Kimmel and his involvement with different radio shows. He’s been fired from a lot of different markets over the course of his career, including Palm Springs, Phoenix, Tampa, and Seattle. Adam points out that Jimmy gives notes on this show every day. Maybe they shouldn’t be taking notes from someone who’s never held down a long term radio job.

6:09 CLAUDIA IS LOVED

A listener calls in and tells them how much she loves Claudia. She’s got a strength in her voice, and she doesn’t let the guys push her around. She hopes they can keep her around.

Another listener calls in and says he remembers Claudia from TV. She was out in Phoenix doing entertainment news for a local station. What’s funny, she says, is that when she’d have to go out into the city to report on what was going on, she’d schedule locations where friends of hers were going to be out that night, so she could still hang out with them.

6:25 THE BIGGEST LOSER UPDATE

Yesterday, Tad met with the Biggest Loser people for the second time. It was a second interview, and they taped it to send into the executives at NBC. Adam wants to know why they don’t just put him on, and take advantage of the crossover opportunities of having the Adam Carolla show talking about their show every time it airs. Tad thinks that this is all to make it look more legit, so it doesn’t look like they’re doing him any favors.

He just wants them to know that he’s wanting to lose this weight for the health aspects, and not for the prize money. Adam’s confused, though – there’s no way he could ever get down to the ideal weight for his height. So, what’s his target weight? Tad says it’s around 250.

6:33 AMERICAN EXPRESS QUESTIONS

Dave wants to ask Claudia some of those “My Life. My Card.” questions from the American Express ads.

First question: Your life ambitions. She wanted to be a diplomat when she was younger. Adam says he barely knows what a diplomat is now at 41. How did Claudia know what that was as a kid? She says she saw them at the embassy in Rome. Adam says he had the same experience, except replace embassy with DMV and Rome with Van Nuys.

Next question: Favorite movie. Gone with the Wind.

This next one is weird, Dave says. Real or fake boobs? She asks, what do you think? Adam’s pretty sure that means fake. Claudia says that they’re real, and they’re spectacular. Adam says he was pretty sure they were fake. He doesn’t know how much she weighs exactly, but typically, women of her cut aren’t that… large. She weighs around 110-112 pounds, she says. Dave figures at least 20 to 30 pounds of that is bosom.

Brusca says to get a better read on it, she should take off her jacket. She does, and then Adam is sure that there is just too much there. She asks, what if it’s just a push-up bra?

Adam says he knows she’s lying, because he can read faces. Dave thinks they should do a bit where he makes stuff up and sees if Adam can tell if he’s lying. Adam says that might not work, because Dave seems like he could be one of those guys who has such a diluted mind that he actually believes everything he says.

6:55 MOUSSAOUI TAPES

Adam’s got more exclusive audio from Zacharius Moussaoui, discussing thwarted plans to attack America.

7:01 ALLEGED PROOF

A listener calls in. He was at a KISS concert, and Claudia was covering it. This guy and his friends were debating whether or not her breasts were real, and one of them went up and hugged her so they could brush up against her. They definitely felt fake, he says.

7:12 JUST TAKE THE DAMN PICTURE

When Adam is at parties, everybody always has to throw their arm around him and get someone else to take the picture. But, naturally, nobody ever knows how to work someone else’s camera. They just get this camera shoved in their hands, and they have .3 seconds to figure it out before the person is screaming “COME ON! IT’S THE BUTTON! PUSH THE BUTTON!”

Cameras should have a celebrity mode, that can flash a light when it’s time for the celebrity to put their arm around the person. Otherwise, they end up standing there with their arm around someone for a long time, awkwardly.

7:15 NEWS

A small earthquake hit Iran, killing over 60 people.

An American reporter being held captive has been released.

First his show, now his marriage – Matt LeBlanc is getting divorced.

Naomi Campbell was charged with second degree assault for throwing her cell phone at an employee.

7:22 SPORTS

NCAA Final Four.
Florida is playing George Mason next, and UCLA is playing LSU.

NBA.
Spurs whooped the Lakers.

Survivor (the pseudo-sport).
Last night someone broke part of their face open on a machete, chipping a bit of his tooth as well. They tried to remove him from the island for one day to put stitches in, but he refused to go.

7:37 ANDY MILONAKIS IN THE STUDIO

Andy Milonakis is the star of the Andy Milonakis Show, the second season of which is premiering tonight at 9pm on MTV2. The first season is also out on DVD now.

The first season aired so fast, in around 2 months, and the good press really didn’t come in until after the whole show had already aired. Adam says he’s worked with MTV, and they aren’t exactly the most confident people in the world when it comes to new talent. They gave him 8 episodes because they just didn’t know, but now his seasons should be longer.

He brought his guitar with him, and he’s going to do a little ditty, John Cougar style.

7:49 A PRANK

Adam and Dave are playing a prank on the producer of the show, and it’s completely full of f-bombs, and Brusca thinks that it’s going out over the air. But it’s not.

The show goes back live with the “program director” of the San Diego station, on an angry tirade about what just happened. How could they have possibly let so many f-bombs through? What the hell is going on in Los Angeles?

The PD demands that he get to talk to Brusca off the air, and they dump out to a break.

Brusca comes on and wants to sincerely apologize – he should’ve prepped him, they should’ve dumped him out, and it was just a collective failure. Jimmy Kimmel supposedly prepped Andy, and at the same time, Andy should’ve known better. Adam wants Brusca to know that he’ll fight for him.

Adam says we need to move on, and talk April Fools – because none of that got on the air. Brusca wants to know if that’s serious… are you serious? Dave wants to know why Brusca thinks nobody would just tackle Milonakis if that happened. It was a comedian playing Charlie the program director. He comes back on the line – Brusca was very nervous, and yet, very defensive of the Ace Man.

Just to fill everyone in, Phone Screener Brian came up with this idea to play a prank on Brusca on the air. Adam and Dave recorded that looped recording that played on the air, while Andy was playing a song with 131 f-bombs in it. Brusca apparently got a little physical, and took the microphone and guitar from Andy. Andy got up and moved to another mic and kept going.

Dave says when Andy started singing, he hasn’t seen a sweaty lesbian move that fast since the WNBA. Apparently, yesterday, Jimmy Kimmel laid the foundation yesterday by telling Brusca that Andy doesn’t do a lot of live gigs, so be sure to warn him about the FCC.

8:18 THE PRANK ON ADAM

Adam tells a story of when Jimmy Kimmel and the Man Show crew pranked him into believing that Natalie from the Dixie Chicks was trying to “get with him.”

It all started with him escorting Natalie to the Grammy Awards. As it wore on, they were buying him a stream of gifts that were supposedly from her.

8:21 JIMMY COMES ON THE LINE

Jimmy Kimmel calls in for the prank update. Brusca says all these guys were unbelievable, and now he and Jimmy can’t be friends anymore.

8:39 LET’S LISTEN TO THE PRANK

It’s time to listen to the replay. Wait, it’s not ready yet. Adam and Dave sing the Dreidel Song to fill time.

8:53 LET’S LISTEN TO THE PRANK FOR REAL

They’ve finally finished bleeping the prank, and now we get to hear it.

9:07 MONIQUE IN THE STUDIO

Adam says he’s not a fan of the big women, but he is a fan of the “chocolate.” When white women pack on the weight, they just go all weird, and they get mean. When darker women get bigger, they get “curvy” and they’ve got a great sense of humor, it seems. Monique says that’s because of the image that white women throw out there.

Racism isn’t tolerated anymore, Adam says. Neither is making fun of religion, or gender. But the one thing that remains is fat. It’s still cool to make fun of fat people.

Jeron is in the studio – they want Monique to help him out with his soul. Adam feels like he’s the whitest black guy ever.

Adam and Jeron run through a sample phone call. Monique says that maybe he should start answering the phone and saying “This is Jeron, the only black guy on the Adam Carolla Show.”

When Adam meets one person of a certain race, he just pigeonholes them as the spokesman for their entire race. “What’s up with Al Sharpton? Does FUBU have shoes coming out?” Monique says Al Sharpton will be president some day. Adam says he’d vote for Sharpton as a goof, a lot like how Schwarzenegger got to be the governor. It’d be fun. We can be like a novelty country.

Monique’s new movie Phat Girlz will be in theaters one week from today.

Dave asks about Monique’s huge bodyguard. To make sure he’s earning his money, Adam wants Dave to start something with him in the parking lot.

9:33 NEWS RECAP

Claudia recaps the news.

9:38 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports news.

9:50 THE MOUSSAOUI TAPES

Adam has more exclusive audio from the Zacharius Moussaoui trial.

ADAM WITH JILLIAN BARBERIE, DAVID SPADE, RICHARD MARTIN, OZZIE, BRETT MICHAELS

ADAM WITH JILLIAN BARBERIE, DAVID SPADE, RICHARD MARTIN, OZZIE, BRETT MICHAELS – 5am to 10am, PST

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show

6:00 CLAUDIA

Claudia is back with us today, and not just because Rachel didn’t show up and they didn’t have anybody else, Adam says. She did a great job.

6:02 ROOTS

Everybody’s wearing ball caps today. Dave thinks Claudia is still just as foxy with it on, though. She says she had to wear it because yesterday, Adam mentioned that he doesn’t like the blonde hair with black roots. Adam defends his point, but Dave stops him and puts a positive spin on it – at least she responds to notes you give her.

6:05 CONTRARY TAD

Tad is the kind of guy who always thinks the opposite of anything anybody vocalizes. If you say you hate this, or hate that, Tad is its’ biggest fan. Case in point: Adam isn’t a big Poison fan, and mentioned that, so naturally Tad went nuts about them when he found out Brett Michaels was coming in.

6:07 LISTS

They’ve got the FHM Top 100 Most Attractive Women list in the studio, and Adam is aggravated by it. He pretty much hates lists in general, though – even shopping lists.

Jillian Barberie calls in to talk about the list. She’s been on it a couple times. Adam’s pretty sure that these things are decided by the publicists, but Jillian disagrees – she’s been on it, and she didn’t even have a publicist at the time. She’s pretty sure they pick it based on more than just “hotness.” It’s more like, who’s popular, and who’s in the news.

6:12 THE ATTACKS

Jillian says she’s been on the other end of these attacks that Dave is getting from Frank over at Frosty, Heidi and Frank. She agrees that Dave should just let it go and not get involved. People in these situations just get bitter and angry, and you shouldn’t legitimize it.

Dave agrees. He doesn’t want to waste time on a nationally syndicated morning show. He’s sitting next to the funniest guy on the planet every morning.

Adam says that he agrees. And besides, being attacked is a form of flattery…unless a bear is doing it.

You can listen to the ongoing Frank Kramer VS Dave Dameshek battle here: http://www.971freefm.com/pages/1250.php. The clips are featured in the Frosty, Heidi & Frank podcast section.

6:14 ON BEING HOT

Adam says that just because there’s nothing wrong with you, that doesn’t make you hot. You might be cute, but being cute mathematically doesn’t make you hot.

Adam also believes that anyone who ever hit on he himself shouldn’t be on that list. He says his self-esteem may be low, but reality is what it is.

6:29 REPUBLICAN RICHARD MARTIN

Adam likes to have Republican Richard Martin on the show to help bring balance to the show. He knows that California is one of the blue states and if they bring someone in like Richard Martin, the show will get a chance to mix it up.

6:36 OZZIE IN THE STUDIO

Ozzie joins Richard Martin and Adam in the studio. Ozzie came to America over 20 years ago and came for political asylum.

Adam feels like America is a melting pot and that’s the beauty of this country, but there are two many settling in one place. Take California, where the population has a large number of Mexican citizens. Adam thinks we need to take a handful of every race and spread them out over the country so we have a nice mix of citizens everywhere and no one area is predominantly anything.

Ozzie thinks people coming to America are looking for work. They want to contribute to America’s greatness and try to live the American dream.

Richard Martin isn’t happy with the idea of more people coming into the country, mainly because an alarming number of poor people will be voting.

Adam says that people are concerned about who will take the undesirable and low-paying jobs, and he believes that anyone who is poor – regardless of race – will work at any awful job so they can make money to survive. Richard Martin says he only wishes that the immigrants would go back across the border where they belong until we absolutely need them here.

Ozzie says that people in California are talking about Mexicans, and that’s offensive because it’s Latin people.

You can talk to Richard about his political views on http://www.myspace.com/askarepublican. He also says he could use some friends there, so be sure to go to his MySpace profile and sign up.

6:55 TRAINING

Adam says that if you want to train someone to do something, the best way to do it is the way he trained Dr. Drew on LoveLine. Dr. Drew used to like to talk in the hall and mosey into the studio when he was ready while Adam would start the show. Adam finally refused to start the show, only broadcasting dead air, until Dr. Drew was in the studio and in his seat.

6:59 ZACARIAS MOUSSAOUI

Adam mentions that today is the final day of trials for the ‘20th hijacker,’ Zacarias Moussaoui.

7:10 DAVID SPADE CALLS INDavid Spade calls into the show to talk to Adam. They talk about the radio business. Both Adam and Dave think that there’s nothing worse than someone else trying to capture your voice on paper so you can do a read for a radio show and the voice they present to you is awful.

April 7th, David Spade’s new movie “The Benchwarmers” is in theaters.7:26 IMPERSONATORS

The Adam Impersonators are starting to line up outside of the studio for the first Adam-off. The first part of the competition is rehashing some of Adam’s analogies. Adam marvels at the fact that his analogies are somewhat famous and you can find them by searching on the Internet. He finds it strange because it’s like finding a resource for yourself.

The second part of the competition will be a freestyle impersonation.

7:29 THE NEWS

Claudia reports the news.

Jill Carroll was released from captivity after being held for three months. She reports that her captors treated her very well but she was never told why she was kidnapped.

Lisa was eliminated on American Idol, and Paula Abdul was signed for three more years of the show.

There may be trouble between Angelina and Brad. Angelina says that she’s getting sick of his whining.

7:36 THE SPORTS

Dave reports the sports.

Kings win.
Hornets win.

Seahawks head coach considering retiring after this season.

Final Four in two days.

Duke’s lacrosse team was suspended pending the outcome of an investigation for alleged rape.

MLB is going to investigate Barry Bonds alleged steroid use.

7:49 BRETT MICHAELS IN STUDIO

Brett Michaels from Poison is in the studio. The Poison 20th Anniversary CD is coming out on April 4th.

Brett says that although he’s been fortunate to make money in the business, if he was flat broke he would still make music because he loves to do it. Adam says that he feels the same way about comedy.

7:56 OZZIE IN STUDIO

Ozzie reviews the sex tape with Brett Michaels and Pamela Anderson. The tape left the reviewer cold.

8:06 THE ADAM-OFF

The contestants are brought into the studio to imitate Adam.

8:28 THE ADAM-OFF CONTINUES

The contestants have finished the compulsory part of the game, so now they move onto the freestyle portion. They do it by playing “What Can’t Adam Complain About?”

8:48 JIM GAFFIGAN IN STUDIO

Jim Gaffigan is in the studio. Jim has a CD and DVD out right now for his show: “Beyond the Pale.” But he says he’s not here to promote his CD/DVD or show, or his website at http://www.jimgaffigan.com, or his MySpace profile at http://www.myspace.com/jimgaffigan, or even Sierra Mist. He’s here just to talk to Adam because he’s a huge fan.

9:01 MORE WITH JIM GAFFIGAN

Jim plays the game of hypothetical questions with Adam.

9:13 THE NEWS

Claudia recaps the news.

9:23 THE SPORTS

Dave recaps the sports.

9:40 DANNI BOATWRIGHT

Danni calls into the show and talks to Adam. You can visit her site at http://www.danniboatwright.com.

9:53 ZACARIAS MOUSSAOUI

Adam says that Moussaoui did more damage than good by taking the stand during his trial.

Dave says that it sounds like Moussaoui is asking to be punished.

ADAM WITH JEFF ROSS, BOB SAGET AND DAVE COULIER

ADAM WITH JEFF ROSS, BOB SAGET AND DAVE COULIER– March 29, 2006 – 5am to 10am, PST

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 CLAUDIA

The foxy, multi-lingual Claudia will be sitting in for Rachel Perry today. She can speak Italian, and she spent a lot of time as a child going to school in Italy. Adam swears her father is an Italian mob boss.

6:03 ORGANIZED CRIME

Mobsters kill other mobsters, Adam says. They don’t ever seem to kill any other people besides each other. These mobsters go out and kill other mobsters, and he wonders, who’s caring about that? They’re like catfish. They aren’t bottom feeders or anything, but really, they’re just cleaning up. They don’t mess with the “public.”

6:12 HOME IMPROVEMENT QUESTIONS

A listener calls in. The top corner of a door in his house is sticking, and he’s tried a lot of different ways to fix it. Claudia recommends spitting on it, or possibly using olive oil.

Adam says the deal is, if the door is rubbing at the top, his house is settling. If it’s rubbing at the bottom, the door is moving. Don’t sand the top of the door anymore, because the shape of the door isn’t the problem. The jam is sagging, and the door needs to be moved. Loosen it up and tweak the door down.

Guys who are interested in home improvement don’t really have much of a personality, they figure out. Adam says he’s included in that.

6:25 THE ADAM TATT

Harley calls in, offering to get a tattoo of Adam Carolla on his back. He’s already got a lot of tattoos, but he’s got a spot is open. Adam wants to know how big – he’s thinking 4 inches by 4 inches.

They’re gonna do it. The show will figure out a tattoo parlor and find a good picture, they’ll get this thing put on, and then Harley can come down to Los Angeles and show it off.

6:30 CHRISTIAN THE 13-YEAR-OLD COMEDIAN

Christian is on the line, along with Jeff Ross. Jeff Ross has offered to mentor Christian, and help him become a good comedian.

The last time they went through this, Jeff had some tough love for Christian. Jeff said it’s not a free ride just because Christian is 13. It’s got to be tough.

This time, he does his act without bullet points or notes of any kind.

Jeff thinks it was really funny, but points out that Christian has the delivery of a school bus. It’s intimidating, though. He’s calling into the Adam Carolla Show and doing this over the phone, and it’s just very intimidating. In front of a crowd, Jeff thinks he’ll really rise to the occasion. Adam thinks that Christian’s comedy is becoming far too conversational, though. There just aren’t spots to laugh. He feels like it needs a cadence, so there are times when you can laugh. Jeff says it never hurt Dane Cook to do it the way Christian is doing it. And now, Dane Cook is on top of Jessica Simpson.

Everybody definitely agrees that they need to get Christian in front of a live audience. Jeff’s got him hooked up with The Improv on Melrose – they’ve already said they’ll put him on, apparently.

They settle on May 10th for a date to do an act. Christian will open up for Jeff Ross, and Adam will emcee. Christian says he’s down.

6:51 LIMERICK WARS

The staff is doing limericks about Big Tad today. Adam says he’s going to join in today, but he’s not going to be competing or anything.

Brian does a nice job; 8.4.
Brusca pulls an 8.2.
Bill gets an 8.9.
Claudia gets a 7.9, despite it being incomplete.
Dave gets a solid 8.8.
Mike gets a 7.8.

7:07 A LITTLE ADVICE

James “Lights Out” Toney dispenses a little advice on what a woman should do about finding her husband in bed with her brother.

7:10 NEWS

In Baghdad, gunmen dressed as Iraqi police killed nine men in a store.

Last night on American Idol, Paula noticed a scar on Ace’s chest, and without missing a beat, she proffered “You’ll have to let me know how you got that some day.”

In England, a man took a picture of a stripper with his girlfriend’s cell phone. The girlfriend stabbed him and bit his nose off.

7:14 SPORTS

NBA.
The Clippers are closing in on their first playoff spot in 50 years, but last night, they lost to Arizona.
Suns lost.

NFL.
The NFL wants a team in Los Angeles.

7:30 BOB SAGET IN THE STUDIO

Bob Saget of “Full House” and “America’s Funniest Home Videos” fame is in the studio. Adam admits that he’s a big fan of both of those shows, and Bob wants to know how. Adam defends it – the average sitcom has about a chuckle every half hour as far as laughing out loud goes, but when he would watch America’s Funniest Home Videos, he’d laugh out loud uproariously.

Bob is doing a charity event for a disease that killed his sister – scleroderma. He’ll be over at the Grand Trianon at the Regent Beverly on Wilshire.

On America’s Funniest Home Videos, Bob would work “porn jokes” into his clip segues. He’d get in trouble for it sometimes, too. Adam points out that Bob worked the “blue humor” a lot, but when he started going mainstream, he had to mostly give that up. Now, though, he’s back to his filthy roots.

7:53 DAVE COULIER’S PACKAGE ON THE PHONE

Dave Coulier’s Package calls in to talk about the bad blood between Dave, Dave’s Package and Bob Saget.

8:09 WHEN CATS ATTACK

A cat that has been classified as “terrorizing a neighborhood” was ordered to be placed on Prozac. Ruth, the owner of the cat, is on the line. Adam says that the cat is supposed to have attacked six people, including an Avon lady. He wants to know why she just won’t get rid of it. She says that she’s got him locked up now – he’s confined to the house forever – so she sees no point in that.

Apparently, the Prozac didn’t work out for him. Adam thinks the answer is simple. Put a little marijuana in with the cat food. If this cat ate a little weed every morning, it’d just be laying around napping, rather than running around attacking people.

Janet, a victim of this cat, is on the line as well. Dave has to know just how vicious the attacks from this cat can be. She says the main problem is that this cat is stealthy. You never see it coming!

Dave and Adam both notice that Janet and Ruth are hostile towards each other. Adam thinks that they need to figure out a way to get along better. Dave thinks it’s got to come down to a little gun play.

8:32 WHAT CAN’T ADAM COMPLAIN ABOUT?

Adam is going to play a little game called What Can’t Adam Complain About?. What distinguishes Adam from the amateurs is the positive things he can complain about.

Koala Bears: They’re stand-offish. You never seem ‘em pounce; they don’t move. They just sit up there and pass judgment on whoever comes to look at them. Adam says enough with koalas.

Pregnant Chicks: His wife is pregnant, so he’s gotta watch himself. He doesn’t like the term ‘baby bump’. Everybody’s got their baby bump.

Masturbation: ………he doesn’t like to watch other guys do it!

A complete Lamborghini collection: The Lamborghini Mura. Adam’s favorite car. The beautiful, sexy beast. They’ve skyrocketed in value, though, and he didn’t get on it soon enough.

His Wife’s Vagina: He doesn’t have to talk about it. It knows how he feels.

The Little Condiment Packages: The stragglers that fall on your car seat, and you sit on them.

Angry Porn: He doesn’t like the new breed of porn.

Blonde-Haired, Blue-Eyed Women: He doesn’t like blonde hair with the black roots. The problem, though, is that they’re bright, like a supernova, but they burn out before 40, and they all look like crap after that. The more conservative looks will hold up well into their 50s and 60s.

Eight Cylinder Engines: They’re normally Americans, and he doesn’t like that. They’re old technology. He doesn’t like the old American muscle engines. They definitely don’t get the performance for the capacity.

8:48 BO BICE IN THE STUDIO

Bo Bice comes in the studio. They bring him into the show with a clip of him singing Vehicle. Adam says Bo is stealing his thunder, because that’s his karaoke number.

They want to know if Bo knows how many votes he lost to Carrie Underwood by. They don’t tell him officially, but he’s heard that it was 143. He’s not sure if he believes that, though. It’s probably more like 143,000.

Adam wants Bo to walk him through the American Idol taping. Once they are in the top 12, they pretty much all share a place, and they have a curfew of 10 o’clock every night. They’ve got a “den mother” too, or, more officially, a “contestant coordinator.” Dave has no idea why they’d have to do that, but Adam figures he knows. If a contestant were to go out and get himself messed up, that’d be bad.

A listener calls in from Vegas, and says Bo needs to come out there. He says the last few times he’s been to Vegas, it’s gone really badly. He ended up in the hospital last time.

9:10 PERFORMANCE

Bo’s going to perform an original song he wrote, called Valley Of Angels.

9:20 A LITTLE MORE ADVICE

James “Lights Out” Toney helps a woman whose computer programmer husband gets angry when she asks for help with her computer.

9:22 NEWS RECAP

Claudia recaps the news.

9:30 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports news.

9:33 DAVE FIRES BACK

Brusca asks why Dave didn’t fire back at Frank (from Frosty, Heidi and Frank,) after he came on the show yesterday and insulted him. Dave says that he doesn’t feel the need to attack someone from the local mid-day show, when he’s on a syndicated morning show. He’s big league, and he’s only been doing this for three months. Frank is a local mid-day host, and he’s been doing this for ten years.

(Frosty, Heidi and Frank also airs on 103.7 FreeFM San Diego and 101.5 Free FM Phoenix, in addition to 97.1 Free FM Los Angeles.)

9:47 MOUSSAOUI’S TESTIMONIAL

Adam and Dave listen to a little of Moussaoui’s courtroom testimony.

ADAM WITH CHARLIE STEINER, TOMMY CHONG AND FRANK KRAMER

ADAM WITH CHARLIE STEINER, TOMMY CHONG AND FRANK KRAMER — March 28, 2006 – 5am to 10am, PST

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 DOING THE MATH

Adam thinks that having to catch people “in the act” is ridiculous. If you pull someone over on their way over to their ex-girlfriends house, and they are carrying rope, duct tape, and a hunting knife, you can’t do anything about that. But, if you’re caught holding pot, that’s considered “intent to sell.” Why is it that you have to catch any other criminals in the act, but you can arrest people just for possessing pot, and label them drug dealers?

Dave asks that, when Adam saw OJ Simpson on TV, driving down the freeway with a gun to his friends head, would he ever have predicted that OJ would go free? All inadmissible! Adam feels like that could’ve just been the stress of finding out your wife was murdered.

6:10 THE DRUNK GUY

Bo from Portland calls in. He just started drinking, and he wants to be the show’s drunk guy. Adam says he can be the official drunk guy for the Portland area.

Dave puts out the call – we need more drunk guys. Where’s our Sacramento drunk guy? Where’s our Phoenix drunk guy? Let’s go!

Phil calls in. He’s been drinking since 10pm last night. He says that last guy can’t be the show’s drunk guy, cause he wasn’t even drunk. Phil declares that he is, in fact, drunk.

6:23 IRIS ON THE LINE

Iris is 5’1”, 62 years old, and she holds 11 body building titles. There was a high speed chase off of U.S. 1 in Cocoa, FL – a few robbers had apparently tried to rob someone, and it went bad. It ended in a head-on collision right outside of Iris’ office. After the crash, they jumped out of the car and ran towards her facility (a self-storage facility with eight foot walls.)

The robbers ran straight for the fence, presumably to try and scale it. The person she was with managed to get a hold of one of them – not enough to catch him, but enough to stumble them. One of them turned and ran towards where Iris was standing. She had a split second to make the decision: do I step aside? He got right up beside her, and she made a grab for his upper body. She ripped his shirt off, and was able to slow him down and hold him.

Dave points out how embarrassing this must have been for this guy, getting taken down by a 62 year old woman. No offense to her, he says – it sounds like she’s got a little Irish in her, and he figures she was putting some rugby tactics on him. She says he’s right, she’s from Dublin.

6:37 MARK THE POET

Mark calls in with a new poem. Adam asks if anybody’s ever read a book of poetry. Dave says that he’s sat down with a book of poetry and read it before.

6:41 SPOILED BRAT

A listener calls in. He loves the show, but he thinks Dave is a spoiled brat. Dave screams at the guy to go pump some gas.

6:41 GAY

Another listener calls in and says that Dave must be gay for reading poetry by a E.E. Cummings, who is gay.

6:50 HOMOPHOBES

Adam is pretty sure that homophobes who protest too much tend to have the more homosexual leanings. They have machines they can hook up to people to measure their reaction to homosexual material, and usually, when they test a homophobe, they’ll respond to it.

7:02 EXOTIC CARS

Sergio calls in drunk to let Adam know that he’s got a lot of fans out in San Francisco. Adam asks what he does for a living, and he says he works on exotic cars. Adam figures there’s nothing better than having a drunk guy working on your Ferrari.

The problem with these old, exotic sports cars, Adam says, is that they take massive upkeep. You’ve got to keep it running right, you’ve got to pay the extra insurance and higher maintenance costs, and half the time, when you turn the key to start it in the morning, you get nothing. But when it’s running right, you get to be seen in it.

7:07 NEWS

The immigration bill that was the subject of large protests in L.A. moves to the Senate today.

Moussaoui has testified that they were originally planning on hijacking a fifth plane and flying it into the White House.

White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card has resigned today. He will be replaced by Joshua Bolton.

Sharon Stone is all over the place promoting her new movie Basic Instinct 2.

7:17 SPORTS

NCAA.
It’s Final Four week.
UCLA will face the LSU Bangals.
George Mason will get defeated by the Florida Gators.

NFL.
The Thursday night game that opens the NFL season will see Miami versus Pittsburgh.

7:21 CHARLIE STEIN ON THE LINE

Charlie Stein comes on to talk a little sports with Dave and Adam – specifically, about the Barry Bonds steroids scandal.

7:38 A RE-ENACTMENT

There was the news story a while back about two German cannibals who met online, and got together. One of them ate the other. Adam and Dave are going to re-enact the call by the police to the father of the victim.

7:55 TOMMY CHONG IN STUDIO

Tommy sponsored a celebrity softball tournament one year that Adam will never forget. It was at that tournament that Adam made the best catch of his life.

Adam says Tommy’s looking great for his age; Tommy says he’s 68. Adam can’t believe how good he looks for being that old. There’s a lot of mystery surrounding why Tommy went to jail, Adam says. Some people say he was there for making bongs, others say he was there for perjury, and so on. He tells a story of when the DEA raided his house. They asked him if he had any weed in his house; he said, yeah, of course I do. He said he had some great pot down in the basement. The DEA agent went downstairs to look, and came back empty handed. Tommy laughed at him and asked what kind of a DEA agent he was. The agent said, in all fairness, he didn’t have his dogs.

So much effort and money is wasted in law enforcement on fighting pot, Adam says. Why do they focus all of our resources imprisoning pot smokers and dealers? Sure, fine, jail meth users and crack users. But pot smokers? Why? When you point out someone who committed a crime and say “they were on drugs,” Adam says he wants to know which drug. Because he can guarantee that the person who walked into a club and shot a bunch of people didn’t do it because he was high on pot.

Tommy describes the prison he was in for nine months as “a big Martha Stewart camp.” When he first arrived, he had to strip naked. Which was weird, he says, because the guards were fans of his. So he’s standing there naked, and they’re like “Oooh hehehe, it’s Chong.” Overall, Tommy says that nine months was a great experience for him – it did him a ton of good.

Adam figures that since Tommy was in jail, he’d want to do his comedy bits and whatnot. Tommy says not only did he not do that, but he really didn’t want to. At first, they approached him to do that sort of thing, and he was all for it. But then he realized, after this show he would do, he wasn’t going home. He had to stay! He couldn’t crack jokes about anybody.

8:32 OSWALDO IN THE STUDIO

Ozzie is in the studio. Tommy says he’ll trade an old Cheech in for Adam’s Ozzie, because he could use an Ozzie.

Ozzie and Tommy re-enact a classic Cheech and Chong scene, with Ozzie playing Cheech.

8:46 HOMOEROTICA

These terrorists seem to have a lot of homosexual tendencies without realizing it. When you watch these videos that these terror groups release, if you just listen to the audio, and ignore the video, you’ll hear quite a lot of homoerotic references.

Adam and Dave listen to the audio of one of the tapes.

8:44 OZZIE REVIEWS “INSIDE MAN”

Ozzie does a movie review of the new film “Inside Man”.

The Inside Man left this reviewer cold.

9:02 HOOTERS GIRLS IN THE STUDIO

Some Hooters Girls are in the studio, to do some limericks about Adam.

9:04 ANGIE RECAPS THE NEWS

Angie recaps the morning news.

Casper Weinberger, the Defense Secretary for the Reagan Administration, has passed away.

Two teams of investigators were able to use forged documents to enter the United States with enough radioactive material for two bombs. They could get through the Canadian border and the Mexican border.

9:12 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports news.

9:27 LIMERICK WARS

Rebecca and Natalie, the two Hooters Girls, have written limericks about Adam. The rest of the staff have as well. Adam says he’ll try to grade these, even though they’re about him.

Mike gets an 8.1. Good, but he expects that.
Dave manages a 7.4. He stumbled.
Tad gets an 8.0. Nice.
Bill gets a 7.9.
Rebecca gets an 8.0.
Brian pulls off an 8.7.
Brusca gets an 8.5.
Natalie pulls it out with an 8.8, because he liked the idea that he could get laid if he would just shut up.

9:44 FRANK KRAMER IN THE STUDIO

Frank from the Frosty, Heidi and Frank Show (which airs immediately following the Adam Carolla Show on 97.1 Free FM) is on the show. Frank does an impersonation of Dave on their show, and they brought him in to talk about it.

Adam says he does enjoy Frosty, Heidi and Frank, and he’s not just sucking up. He’s listened to it for quite some time.

He doesn’t know a carpenter who doesn’t hate other carpenters. It’s the same in radio. Show hosts don’t typically like each other, and they like to take shots at each other. Dave wants to know, why him? Why Dave and not Adam? Brusca points out that at one point, Frank mentioned that CBS overpaid for Adam. Adam takes that as a compliment.

Overall, Frank thinks that Dave is the anchor around Adam’s neck. Whenever Dave talks, Frank says he changes the channel. He feels like Dave is holding the show back. He points out that he really didn’t want to come on the show and do this, because he thought it might get heated, and he didn’t want it to come to this. The last time Frank went on a show and complained about someone, they got fired.

Dave’s an acquired taste, Frank says. When he first heard him do sports, he thought, “This guy sucks. He’s terrible, he’s got to go.” Now, it’s not like that, but it’s not exactly a flavor that he craves.

A few listeners call in with good words for Dave. Dave says to put a stop to the pro-Dave calls. He doesn’t want a bunch of people calling in and attacking Frank.

Adam just wants Dave and Frank to be cordial in the hallway so they don’t make him uncomfortable.

ADAM WITH FRANK VINCENT AND DANA GOULD

ADAM WITH FRANK VINCENT AND DANA GOULD — March 27, 2006 – 5am to 10am, PST

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 NAOMI

Naomi will be filling in for Rachel, who is out shooting a pilot. She’ll be out for a week or more.

Adam thinks there’s definitely a sexual tension between him and Naomi. He’s married, and she’s married, but there’s a certain passion there. If they ever got a little more casual, and a little more friendly outside of the office, there could definitely be a slip-up.

Naomi and Adam met on Crank Yankers; she was the assistant for one of the executive producers. Adam points out that it wasn’t Jimmy – it was the other one, the pain in the ass. Someone once told him that if Naomi could be the assistant to that pain in the ass, she could do anything she wanted.

Adam talks a little bit about Naomi’s aspirations after school. She mentions that she wants to get into producing – Adam thinks that’s definitely a weird field to want to get into.

6:23 SEXUAL HARASSMENT MEETINGS

When you work, you have to go to sexual harassment seminars. You’ve got to go to these damn things once a year, Adam says. He declared about four years ago that he wasn’t going to go to these things anymore. Why do you have to get “re-certified” on this every year? A pilot’s license lasts longer than these things. Adam’s been begging everybody – don’t go to these things. Everybody’s such a pussy about it, though.

It starts out simple enough, Adam says. Oh, just spend a little bit of time doing this, or that, struggle with the childproof lighter for a bit, sign this, do that, and pretty soon these lawyers and lawmakers are eating up all of your time.

Adam thinks we need to take a stand, and this kind of stuff will go away. If there’s something like this coming up, don’t go. You have to convince everybody though, Dave points out. That’s the real trick.

A lot of it is common sense, Naomi feels. There’s obviously times when things are inappropriate, and when they are. If Dave grabbed Naomi and said “Sit on my lap”, that’d be bad. But if Adam did it, with his pre-existing relationship with Naomi, she’d say okay. It’s subjective. Who defines whether or not you have a problem with something?

Jack Silver, the Program Director at KLSX, comes on the line. He says the bottom line with the sexual harassment seminar is, Adam has a large staff that he surrounds himself with. The training is good for them. Plus, people who are in charge of a lot of people definitely need to attend this sort of training.

6:53 HOME IMPROVEMENT QUESTION

A listener calls in with a question about floor varnish.

7:03 FRANK VINCENT ON THE PHONE

Frank Vincent from The Sopranos is on the line. Adam thinks there are no bad actors on this show, and he’s starting to wonder if they are actually actors at all – maybe they’re just these people, and they don’t know they’re being filmed.

Adam says they all agree that last night’s episode was the best of the new season, and he loved that it had some humor to it. Frank says that we’re going to see more and more humor in the episodes as the season progresses.

They’re going to be shooting eight more episodes of The Sopranos, that will air in 2007. Adam says that they called this the last season of The Sopranos, so what gives? Frank says that they’re calling these next eight an “extension” of the current season, so they don’t have to renegotiate the deals for everybody. They’re all holding out for more money, Frank says.

7:12 NAOMI DOES THE NEWS

This past weekend, a record number of protestors took to the streets to protest a new bill that would make being an illegal immigrant a felony.

David Hasslehoff’s former wife has won a restraining order against her ex-husband.

There’s a controversy brewing over a performance of “Walk The Line” done by an American Idol contestant. It had been claimed that it was a creative arrangement of the song done by the contestant, but it was actually put together by Live back in 2004.

A Texan couple were arrested for forcing their 3-year-old daughter to beat up an older boy, while they videotaped it.

7:20 SPORTS

NCAA.
UCLA made it into the Final Four with a hideously ugly win over the weekend.

The Final Four are the UCLA Bruins, the LSU Tigers, the George Mason Patriots, and the Florida Gators.

NBA.
Kings won.
Clippers lost.

PGA.
They played the “Fifth Major” over the weekend; Steve Ames was the winner.

7:33 DANA GOULD IN THE STUDIO

Dana Gould, co-executive producer of The Simpsons, is in the studio. Dave mentions that last night’s episode of The Simpsons was phenomenal. Dana says it was a blast working with Ricky Gervais – he was a real pro. That episode almost didn’t make it to the air, according to him. When the initial version came back from overseas, it was “unshowable.” They had to hand it off to someone here to reanimate it before the network would give it the go-ahead.

Dana is on the show to talk about the new Planet Of The Apes DVD box set – all of the original Planet of the Apes movies together in one monkey-head box. He says that this is definitely the sign of a decadent culture; we’re selling DVDs in a box shaped like a monkey head. Dana didn’t have anything to do with Planet of the Apes, but he’s an avid fan.

There’s no food talk in the future, Adam points out. They’ve all pre-determined what they want to eat. You never hear them saying “Oh, you want Mexican? No? What about Thai? No?” It’s all been pre-ordained. Dana adds that whenever there are choices in the future, it uses the Jay Leno “Star Trek 3” rule: two you know, and one from the future. “Oh we could have the Thai, the Mexican, or the Denooblian burgers.”

Adam wants to know why exactly Charlton Heston switched over to doing nothing but sci-fi. He was in Planet of the Apes, and then Soylent Green, and then Omega Man. He probably lost a little bit of respect in the acting community, among the hipsters, anyway, when he switched over.

Dana tells a story about when he met Charlton Heston on a talk show.

8:05 THE ED REVIEWS DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES

The Ed checks in from Vegas to review last night’s episode of Desperate Housewives for us. Last night, Gabriella and her husband were shopping for a baby. But only ugly women would want to give away their baby. Finally, they find a pretty girl who is a stripper. But she decides she won’t give up her baby, cause she finds out they’re Mexican. The stripper is a white girl. A lady starts breastfeeding her son in public, but everybody gets mad, because her son is like eight years old. The red-haired lady is back with her gay boy, and she sees him shopping with another gay boy. She starts drinking at the mall and passes out in the dressing room at JC Penny. She gets locked into the store.

Ed didn’t like that episode too much.

He also mentions that he’s going to be a grandfather. Dave asks, what would happen if it’s a boy, and it ends up a gay boy? Ed says, please don’t even talk about that. Adam tells Ed, ‘pay no mind to Dave.’

8:17 HOBOPOWER

Chris calls in. About three days ago, he was standing in this lady’s house. They were called on to paint it. It smelled so bad, that when the wind was blowing, people could smell this thing from blocks away. They had to look through the mail slot to try and see what was up.

Adam says this was a second party story, and they didn’t even go in, so he’s got to give it a 7 at the best.

John has an e.coli hobopower story. In college, he partook of a Stanford study on E.coli for some extra money. They gave him E.coli, and he had to deal with diarrhea and uncontrollable vomiting. Not only that, but they make you save everything that comes out of you.

Adam gives it an 11, because it’s his own mess that he’s smelling.

Jason calls in. About two months ago, he bought some chicken to fry up for dinner. They came in a little Styrofoam container – two of ‘em. He only wanted one, so he put the other one in the microwave, so the cat couldn’t get it. He forgot it was in there. Two months later, he opened the microwave, and found this raw chicken that’s been there. Adam has to call this into question – who goes two months without using their microwave? Dave says this is definitely something he can vouch for; he hates microwaved food and he never uses his microwave. He thinks it makes food taste bad. When he opened the microwave, he saw this chicken that was a color like he’d never seen before, and he was hit with this “plume of essence” stench. There was dry heaving by himself, and his wife threw up.

Adam gives that a 27.

8:37 MICROWAVE USAGE

Adam feels like you should double up when you push the buttons on the microwave. Instead of 60 seconds, put 66 seconds. Instead of 30 seconds, put 33. Double up the button push, and save yourself a little time.

8:39 ONE MORE HOBOPOWER STORY

A listener calls in. He had to empty portapotties in Iraq. In the summer. And they were completely full. Apparently, they were getting attacked too much for the people who usually clean them up to get to the site.

Adam gives that a 59, because he’s feeling patriotic.

8:41 DRUNKEN TREE MASCOT IN THE STUDIO

Erin, the Drunken Tree Mascot, is in studio. Adam says they’ve asked her to sober up, but she keeps coming in to work drunk. They need her to stop drinking before work.

She does a few new cheers for the show.

8:46 GUEST LIMERICK WARS

They’ve decided to do today’s limericks about the Drunken Tree Mascot.

Mike pulls a solid 8.4.
Dave gets an 8.7.
Naomi gets a 7.6.
Brusca pulls an 8.1. Adam feels like he’s definitely Most Improved.
Tad with a 6.9 – started off strong, fell apart at the end.

9:10 NEWS RECAP

Naomi recaps the news.

9:18 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports news, and talks a bit with Dick Vitale about his Final Four picks.

9:45 A LITTLE ADVICE

James “Lights Out” Toney gives a little advice to a girl who is confused about her sexual orientation.

9:46 THE AIRPORT

On Friday, Adam and the crew flew up to San Francisco, did some things for 106.7 Free FM, then flew back that night. He says you know you’ve arrived when you fly somewhere, then fly back the same day.

The airport is interesting, Adam thinks, because it’s everybody. There’s no cliques, or circles, or little groups at the airport. They’re all in there together.

Adam ran into someone wearing cut-off sweats and a t-shirt when he was waiting to board a flight. He wants to know, how far have we come where we’ll dress for a flight like this? How far off are we from people flying in their underwear? Where are you going that you can be so casual?

9:50 RATE THE GUYS

Naomi is going to rate the crew. She’s going to rate everybody according to how long she’s known them; sortof a comfort level. Brusca feels this is ridiculous.

Brusca goes last. Mike August is up after him. Mike Lynch is next; her former neighbor and co-worker. Dave is next. After Dave comes Big Tad. And finally, of course, Adam.

ADAM WITH MATT ROBINSON, JONATHAN CHEECHOO, GEORGE WENDT, DANNY BONADUCE AND JASON REITMAN

ADAM WITH MATT ROBINSON, JONATHAN CHEECHOO, GEORGE WENDT, DANNY BONADUCE AND JASON REITMAN — March 24, 2006 – 5am to 10am, PST

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 ADDICTIONS

The topic of addictions comes up when it’s mentioned that Danny Bonaduce is on the program today. Rachel wonders how to give up addictions to things like sex, or food. If you’re an alcoholic, or you can’t stop taking drugs, you can eventually get rid of those things in your life. But you can’t just stop having sex, and you can’t stop eating food.

6:05 THE ABYSS

Adam feels like it’s very easy to slide into an abyss now. Back in the day, you didn’t have a high speed internet line to stream unlimited porn into your house, and you didn’t have a McDonald’s that was open 24 hours a day. You had to leave your house, or you’d die. There used to be a time when nature would say, you have to go outside. You have to fend for yourself. Is technology moving faster than we are evolving?

It’s all going to be over soon, anyway, Adam thinks.

6:11 THE PUNCHING MACHINE

Hooters has donated a very nice punching machine to the show. You stand in front of it, and punch it, and it ranks you from zero to 999. They’re going to see who can punch it the hardest.

Brusca takes a shot at it – 482. Dave comes in to fight back – and pops a 293. Brusca asks him, “who’s the lesbian now?”

6:24 BIG TAD’S BIG DATE

Big Tad went on a date last night. It’s his second date with Erica, who he met down at Sharky’s in Huntington Beach.

Tad took her to an all-you-can-eat sushi bar. Adam says that’s a really classy move, right there, taking her to the all-you-can-eat place. Tad counters with “she was hungry.” Adam says that’s fine, if she’s hungry, let her order off of the menu. Rachel thinks it was really cool. Besides, Tad should just be Tad.

Erica is on the line. She says the sushi was wonderful – she’s still full. They met up with a friend of Tad’s, and his friend’s girlfriend. The four of them hung out and then went to a bar. Adam isn’t sure about the strategy of the double date. Don’t you want to be one on one? Tad says not now, but maybe later.

After they left, they went back to his place, Erica says. Adam corrects – you mean his mom’s house? And he can’t imagine it being a very huge place.

So after 2am, they were at Tad’s place, and in the bedroom. Tad was drunk, and Erica was a bit tipsy, because she had to drive. Adam asks the important question – did she kiss him? She says yes. There was definitely some tongue.

Adam needs to know what base Tad dragged her to. She says it was a really good make-out, maybe a little bit more. Everybody gives him a hard time, but Erica says he’s a really good guy. There’s definitely a third date on the way. Dave thinks she’s going to some great lengths just to get on the radio. She says she’s definitely real.

He doesn’t really know her, Adam says, but if she breaks Tad’s heart… he’s going to give her a Hooter’s gift certificate.

6:37 THE BIGGEST LOSER

They play a little bit of the tape that Tad sent in to audition for The Biggest Loser.

6:41 BIG TAD TAGS THE BAG

Tad gives the punching machine a punch and scores in the 500s.

6:52 MATT ROBINSON ON THE PHONE

Matt just set the world piercing record – one thousand sixteen body piercings in one day. He was working towards twelve hundred, but it got so painful, he had to stop. He made sure he got the record, by one.

He had a friend of his doing them for him. They estimated that it is around $40,000 worth of piercings if he had gotten them from an actual piercing parlor.

Dave wants to know the most painful part of the body to get pierced – the back, Matt says. They tried to steer clear of the back as much as they could.

They were checking his vitals every fifteen minutes or so throughout the procedure, and he held up just fine. The previous holder had to stop where he did because he became physically ill.

He lost approximately three ounces of blood during the operation. Rachel wants to know if he swelled up at all – she imagines it would just start rejecting this process after a while. He swelled up a little in places, and he’s covered in bruises now where the piercings are healing up.

7:08 THE GREATEST NAME IN SPORTS

Jonathan Cheechoo, the greatest name in sports, is on the show. He’s the Right Wing for the San Jose Sharks. Dave asks where he’s from – Moose Factory, Ontario.

Jonathan is a Native American; he’s the only Native American from his tribe to ever play in the NHL.

Dave points out that the Sharks are having a dynamite year. He’s shot 43 goals so far this year. They’re fighting it out for the last playoff spot in their conference.

Gretsky vs. Lemieux – Dave has to know. Jonathan picks Gretsky. Dave has to disagree.

7:17 NEWS

Moussaoui’s roommate testified against him in the trial.

Britney Spears was seen at Kevin Federline’s birthday party.

Last night on American Inventor, a woman presented a bra that can be removed in “one easy tug.”

7:26 SPORTS

NCAA.
UCLA made one of the biggest comebacks in NCAA tourney history.
Texas beat West Virginia.
LSU upset Duke.
The Tigers whipped the Braves.

NBA.
Clippers lost.

7:36 GEORGE WENDT IN STUDIO

George Wendt’s new show, Modern Men, is on the WB.

Adam notices that George has played Norm on six different shows. George says it’s soon to be seven – he’s appearing on an episode of Family Guy. Adam says that’s a fantastic animated show.

Do more people recognize him as Norm or the “Da Bears” guy, Adam wonders. George says he’ll get a lot of people who think “I’ll pick something else”, and say they recognize him from the Michael Jackson “Black or White” video.

George got thrown out of his college for having a 0.0 GPA. He says that’s a common misconception – the school advised him that he’d taken sitting on a barstool drinking as far as he could on an amateur level, and it was time to go pro.

He got into acting because he wanted to be on Second City; he really didn’t have any aspirations beyond that.

Adam says he must’ve gotten a lot of action when he was in Europe back in the day. George says he’s got to admit – he was shut out. He was “0 for Europe”. Adam says that’s hard to do; a lot of people get laid when they’re still in the airport.

7:56 MATCH GAME

Two listeners, Seth and Al, will be playing Match Game. Dave, Adam, Rachel and George will be the celebrity panel.

“After the game, the pretty cheerleader ‘blanked’ the whole football team.”
Seth guessed ‘congratulated.’
Dave says ‘cheered up.’
Rachel says ‘humped.’
George says ‘thanked.’
Adam says ‘scored with.’

They give it to Seth, because thanked and congratulated are close.

“Harry had to buy an extra large bed to make room for his extra large ‘blank’.”
Al guessed ‘woman’.
Dave says ‘ass.’
Rachel says ‘wife.’
George says ‘wife.’
Adam says ‘wife.’

Al takes it home with ‘woman’ being close enough to ‘wife’.

Modern Men airs Friday at 9:30 on the WB.

8:08 DANNY BONADUCE IN THE STUDIO

Apparently, Danny was let go from morning radio in Southern California. He says that they must’ve had a problem with him doing just absolute mountains of drugs. Adam thinks that people like Danny should have a “heavyweight” sticker on their driver’s license. If he gets pulled over, and he blows a 0.08, hey – it’s Bonaduce. It’s cool.

Adam says he saw every episode of Breaking Bonaduce. Rachel definitely agrees – she loved it. He’s sober now, so Adam wants to know exactly how they are going to pull off a second season. The first season was rather… substance-fueled. They are going to keep trying, though. Danny says he had to find a way to make this show compelling, without being violent or using drugs.

Danny says he has a thrill-seeking gene. It’s the same as the alcoholic gene, Adam says. And it’s not just a thrill-seeking gene, Danny points out. It’s a “Can I take it?” gene. He wants to know if he can take something. He thought the other day, “I’m sober, so, I can probably ride this motorcycle as fast as I want.” He had to have some steel plates put in.

If men had to deal with getting pregnant, they would’ve definitely figured out how to make it shorter, Adam thinks. Nine months without drinking or smoking? That’s crap, Dave says.

When Adam would watch Breaking Bonaduce with his wife, every few minutes he’d lean over to her and say, “Ya see?” Danny cracks up – this show did that for so many guys. “You think I’m bad, honey? Look at this ogre.”

The origins of Breaking Bonaduce are strange. It started out as a concept called “Rock and Roll Dinner Party”, where people would see rock stars in their “natural habitat.” Danny told VH1 that if they’d just follow him around with cameras, it’d be interesting. When the cameras showed up, though, he realized – he wasn’t being interesting. He decided to go to a bar and try to come up with something. Unfortunately, he just ended up drunk. He got back to the house, and one of the camera men made a crack about Danny not making for very good television. He asked him, “Is this interesting?”, and slugged him in the face. The entire crew quit, and VH1 realized that this guy would be great for a show of his own.

A listener, Amy, calls in just to tell Danny how much she loves Breaking Bonaduce. She wants to know if they are still seeing the therapist from the show. Danny says they are.

Dave thinks that, listening to Danny talk about season one of the show, he must delight in his own madness. Danny says he thinks of himself as Van Gogh if he was funny.

Go see Gretchen tonight over at the Hard Rock in Beverly Center.

8:50 LIMERICK WARS

So far they’ve done Angie, Dave and Brusca. Adam draws the new name: Phone Screener Brian. Adam thinks they’ve got a lot to work with – bald, limited sex life, eight bucks an hour.

8:52 MORE WITH THE PUNCHING BAG

Brian is going to go head to head with Lynch. Brian starts off, and manages a 314. Lynch manages to pull off a 482.

9:03 LIMERICKS

It’s time to read the limericks.

Brian’s girlfriend Jamie calls in to read HER limerick about him.

A few more listeners call in to read some limericks.

Adam thinks Big Tad put in a nice effort – 7.3.
Brusca pulls out a 9.3.
Rachel’s done better, he thinks – 8.1.
Mike gets a 7.9.
Dave got a 9.4, nosing out Brusca.
Bill manages a 9.2.

9:14 NEWS RECAP

Rachel recaps the morning news.

9:21 SPORTS RECAP
Dave recaps the sports news.

9:35 JASON REITMAN IN THE STUDIO

Thank You For Smoking, directed by Jason Reitman, is currently in limited release. It’s only showing on 5 screens, but it pulled over $42,000 per screen.

Adam is absolutely enthralled with the house that Jason’s father Ivan Reitman lives in. He asks if that thing is taking up 42 acres. Jason says it’s only 12 – sorry to disappoint.

When he was growing up, he was around 7 when Ghostbusters came out. Him and his friends went out for Halloween dressed as Ghostbusters, but the difference was, Jason had an actual Ghostbusters gun.

Mike, who gave Jason his first snowboarding lesson, calls in. Adam asks how he was. Mike says he didn’t really pick it up.

9:50 ADAM’S MOVIE PITCHES

Jason’s company announced this morning that they’ve inked a distribution deal with FOX Searchlight, so this is Adam’s lucky day. Dave points out that this is, actually, Jason’s lucky day.

The movie is See You In Hell. There’s a terrorist, and it’s the year 2021. He’s a terrorist of biblical proportions, and he’s taking over the world. The only way to stop him is to talk to some of the greatest masterminds in history, who are now residing in Hell. Blaine Wheeler is the main character – he’s going to go into Hell. Some monks have a portal that leads out of Hell, but not in. The only way he can get there is to kill himself, because it’s a sin. He kills himself, and he goes to Hell, and has 48 hours to find these people. Once he gets there, he meets a gorgeous 19-year-old model who committed suicide. Jason points out that there’s a lot of suicide in this movie. Adam says they can work it out later. The portal can only fit one person – does he go back himself, or does he send her out with the information? Dave thinks that by sending the girl back through the portal instead of himself, he redeems his sins and goes to heaven himself.

9:56 ADAM PUNCHES THE BAG

Adam pops the punching bag for a 572. Take that, Bonaduce.

ADAM WITH LARRY THE CABLE GUY, CHRISTIAN THE 13-YEAR-OLD COMEDIAN, JEFF ROSS, JESSIE JANE AND MIA ST. JOHN

ADAM WITH LARRY THE CABLE GUY, CHRISTIAN THE 13-YEAR-OLD COMEDIAN, JEFF ROSS, JESSIE JANE AND MIA ST. JOHN — March 23, 2006 – 5am to 10am, PST

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 JOE MAMA

The show blasts straight into an argument amongst everybody about the “Joe Mama” joke. Apparently, someone got the setup for that joke, and they kept failing to say “Joe who?” So Dave had to keep repeating “Get Joe to do it” over, and over, and over, before Adam finally jumped in and said “Joe Mama.”

In his defense, Brusca thought they were referring to Engineer Joe.

6:03 MORNIN, CHAMP

Adam didn’t realize there was really an Engineer Joe. He thought “Engineer Joe” was just a generic term for a black man. He asks Brusca if they can get an old black man to sit on a stool, wearing a hat, reading a newspaper, to sit next to the booth and say “Mornin’, Champ!” when Adam walks in each morning.

6:06 BIG TAD IS A SOCIAL BAROMETER

The crew agrees that Big Tad is an indicator of what is going on in society. Adam thinks that, being “blue state hipsters”, they’re out of touch with the rest of the country. Rachel decides to grill Big Tad on some of his choices in music, TV, American Idol, and more.

6:13 ADAM’S SOCIAL SECURITY EARNINGS

Adam brought in his social security earnings statement back to the eighties. He’s going to go over how much he’s made over the past few decades.

1983: $2,892
1984: $9,367
1985: $0
1986: $17,000
1987: $2,500
1988: $0
1989: $22,543
1992: $3,521
1993: $3,984
1994: $6,432
1995: $36,000
1996: $316,000

Beyond ’96, it jumps to over 500k, then 1.2m, and up from there.

6:33 CHRISTIAN THE 13-YEAR-OLD COMEDIAN

Christian comes on the line. Adam asks him a question about the last segment, and realizes that Christian wasn’t listening to it. He chastises him for not listening to the show.

Jeff Ross, the comedian, comes on the line also. He’s going to be critiquing Christian’s act afterwards. Jeff’s first piece of advice is, you’ve got to be reverent to the legends of comedy. He asks what Adam is looking for – tough love, or sugar coated? Adam says not to discourage Christian.

Jeff thinks that Christian was good, but does he have a back-up joke? He needs to learn to be loose on his feet. He needs other material to fall back on if the audience is loving him, and he needs “just one more joke.” He says he’s got another routine he can do, but he needs to get it off of his computer. Jeff and Adam say no no – you have to own it. Do it from memory. You don’t have to do them perfectly, you need to be able to bust them out one right after the other.

7:00 LARRY THE CABLE GUY IN STUDIO

Larry the Cable Guy is in the studio. He’s got a new movie out this weekend – Health Inspector. Adam points out that Larry was raised on a pig farm, and Larry says yeah, and his home town had a population of 1,200.

After working in the pig business, Adam wonders, does Larry like bacon more or less? Larry says he’s never given it much thought – he’s got a deep love affair with bacon.

You should never name a pig you plan to eat, Larry says. Adam thinks that along those lines, we need to start breeding pigs without eyes. Rachel thinks that’s horrible.

Adam asks if we can know Larry’s full real name. He says his name is Dan, and Larry is his middle name. Larry got his name “The Cable Guy” from a bit he did on a radio show back when he was first starting out.

7:12 ASSKISS RODEO

Big Tad is in studio, and he’s in love with Larry the Cable Guy. He’s going to play a little asskiss rodeo with Larry – Tad is going to be kissing Larry’s ass. Adam and Dave are going to do one just to demonstrate how it is done.

7:27 NEWS

There is unrest in the Middle East.

A man was busted for leaving his young child in the car while he went into the strip club. He was caught when the little boy left the car and wandered into the club. Apparently, the man had told his son that if he left the car, monsters would get him.

Someone got fired from a radio station yesterday for using a racial slur to refer to Condoleeza Rice.

On American Idol last night, Kevin was sent home.

7:38 SPORTS

NCAA March Madness resumes tonight.

NBA.
Only a dozen or so games left in the NBA season.
Lakers won last night, they’re a game up on the Kings now.

7:53 LIMERICK WARS

Dave is the subject of today’s limerick wars. They read their limericks off.

A listener calls in – he has to turn his back around on Big Tad, because he can’t make fun of Dave. Dave’s his hero.

Another few listeners call in and read some limericks.

Brusca gets a 5.2.
Brian gets a 7.3.
Rachel scores an 8.9.
Mike pulls out an 8.8.
Bill gets a 6.9.

Rachel wins hands down.

8:11 GERMANY OR FLORIDA?

Steve calls in with a little Germany or Florida.

An 18-year-old student cut off his penis and tongue after drinking a hallucinogenic tea. According to his mother, he was acting normally, but then went outside. When he came back, he was bleeding and wrapped in a towel. He had cut off both his penis and his tongue with garden shears.

Dave and Rachel both go Florida. Dave feels like the students there are constantly experimenting with pushing the limit on drugs. Adam is saying Germany.

Steve says it’s in Germany.

8:14 DAVE’S JERK REPORT

The first jerk is anyone who points out that this is the jerk report, but the music underneath of it is “Creep.” If you point that out, you’re a jerk.

Actors who talk about the craft of acting. Case in point: Miss Sandra Oh, from Grey’s Anatomy.

The Bradley University basketball team.

Randy Jackson, for stealing Arsenio’s dog pound.

The guy who puts both hands up on the wall while pissing.

Cyclone Larry, destroying homes over in Australia.

The people at American Idol who make signs to support their favorite people.

Lastly, and most importantly: The Creep of the Week…

Barry Bonds!

8:30 JESSIE JANE IN THE STUDIO

Jessie Jane starred in the highest grossing porn in industry, “Pirates”. Adam says he got a great hug from Jessie when she came in. He loves the small back, huge jugs thing.

Adam thinks this “Pirates” movie is great because it combines his two favorite things – pirate movies and porno.

She’s also on the show Night Calls. Adam points out that Brusca has tickets to the show to give away. He’s seen this show about a thousand times, and he’s never seen a studio audience. She says that they’re on an all new set, and they’ve got an audience in there now.

It used to just be a few grips and some camera men on set when she would have to perform on the show, Adam says. Now, she has to do it in front of this live studio audience. Is it different? Jessie says no; she loves it.

Apparently, Larissa, a hot intern on the show, knows Jessie Jane because her dad is an accountant for a lot of porn stars. She goes to school in Santa Barbara, and met someone there who knew Jessie. Larissa went to see Jessie doing a live sex show on the ‘net.

Adam says that Larissa is like some kind of horny onion – you just keep peeling back the layers. She’s 20, but she doesn’t mind dating older guys, she says.

Girls and guys have totally different boundaries as far as “sexuality” is concerned, Adam says. There’s all this mysterious innuendo surrounding the relationship between Jessie and Larissa that just wouldn’t fly between, for example, Adam and Brusca. Two guys can’t play it off quite like that.

A listener, Jeff, calls in and starts asking Jessie questions. He thinks she’s real pretty. This nets him tickets to see Night Calls live.

8:55 RATE THE STAFF

Jessie rates the staff – she’s allowed to “do guys and girls”, because she’s bi-sexual.

She puts Rachel at the top of the list. Then, Adam. Next, it’s Tad. It’s a toss up between Dave and Mike.

9:06 A LITTLE ADVICE

James “Lights Out” Toney offers some advice on what to do when you find your friend making out with your father.

9:08 NEWS RECAP

Rachel recaps the news.

Samuel L. Jackson is starring in a new movie called “Snakes On A Plane”. Rachel thinks that we definitely need a team covering this movie starting right now. Adam is baffled that they would name a movie this, but he points out that it would be easier to just tell us which movies that Samuel L. Jackson is not in.

9:19 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports news.

9:24 SOME MORE LIMERICKS

A few callers come on the line to read some limericks about Dave.

9:34 MIA ST. JOHN IN THE STUDIO

Mia St. John, professional woman boxer, is in studio. Her new workout video, the Million Dollar Workout, is available now on her website.

Adam asks what her worst fight has been. She says she got into a nasty fight with her ex, back when they had their first child. She hit in the in face with a shoe.

They ask her if she enjoyed Million Dollar Baby. She tries to move past the question. She says it’s not fair to ask a fighter what they thought of that movie – they’re way too critical. Adam says it was the same way when he would be with Dr. Drew and Scrubs would come on TV.

When she was on the Man Show, Gary Busey was drunk and tried to kiss her, Mia says. She still had her mouthpiece in! Adam and Dave say you can’t hold them responsible for Gary Busey when he’s drunk.

9:49 TOM’S LIMERICK

A listener, Tom, calls in with a Dave limerick. Adam gives him a “good job.”

9:50 MIA’S PICTORIAL

Mia was in Playboy some time ago as a celebrity pictorial. Dave brings up those celebrity questionnaires in those magazines. Adam says she’s got to play it for the folks who are reading the magazine that will never possibly meet her. For turn-ons, she should say that she’s turned on by guys who eat an entire bag of Chee-tohs, then capsize that bad boy and tap the bottom to get all the crumbs to pour down into their mouth.

Mia thinks her answers to these questions are so boring. Dave’s final question is, “If you were an animal, what would you be?” She says a gorilla. Everybody seems disappointed.

ADAM WITH GARY SNISE AND DAVE SHERIDAN

ADAM WITH GARY SNISE AND DAVE SHERIDAN — March 22, 2006 – 5am to 10am, PST

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 WHAT CAN’T ADAM COMPLAIN ABOUT?

Adam wants to play a few rounds of “What Can’t Adam Complain About?” this morning. Dave points out that he’s already defeated many near-impenetrable subjects, including dolphins, pizza, and flying first class.

6:03 THE FREE FALL

The subject of flying first class reminds Adam of a discussion he once had with a program director. This program director told Adam not to talk about flying first class on the air, because none of his listeners could fly first class, and it would piss them off to hear about something they can’t have. He said, screw that. He does okay. If they want to fly first class, they can work a little harder, and he’ll see them up there, in first class.

Dave asks, what’s up with making a lot of money in radio? Where was he when this happened? Adam says, this is a common problem in radio. People seem to think that the pay in radio is incremental. If Howard Stern is making $10 million, his producer must be making, what, $2 million? No. He’s probably making $300,000. There’s that huge free-fall to the next pay level. And the people below the producer, there’s another free-fall. You only make the big money if you’re the star.

6:10 RACHEL’S STINT IN SHOW BUSINESS

Rachel is back with us this morning. Adam and Dave ask her how it was in showbiz. She talks a little bit about her role as a scientist in a new FOX pilot that’s currently being shot.

The show is called “Beyond”, and it’s a bunch of astrophysicists and engineers that all sort-of work together at NASA. Dave says that this is probably the most beautiful group of scientists we’ve ever seen. And stuff happens, and they all have to solve it. Adam says it’s good that Rachel wasn’t at the pitch meeting. Her excuse is that she’s not sure how much of the plot she’s allowed to talk about.

6:16 ANGIE’S THANK YOU SONG

Rich from Vegas sent in a song thanking Angie for filling in as newsgirl.

6:27 WHAT CAN’T ADAM COMPLAIN ABOUT?

Damashek. Adam says the listeners think he sounds too much like Adam.

Prostitutes. If they did a little pro bono work, it would be nice.

Jessica Alba. She wants to be taken seriously as an actress, and that means no more bikinis. Whenever one of these girls wants to be taken seriously, their top goes back on.

Having twins. His wife is essentially holding his children hostage inside her belly, and using them against him.

Porno. He doesn’t like today’s porn. He doesn’t like the spitting, or the angry porn, or the aggressive piercing.

Dave points out that he knows someone who slept with a hooker in Vegas, and didn’t have to pay for it. Some people think that’s despicable, but that’s actually one of the greatest achievements you can make as a man.

St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital. It reminds him of that Beatles song.

6:46 THE BRUSCA INCIDENT

Rachel wants to know what exactly happened yesterday on-air between Brusca and Adam. Brusca says that it was just a minor, minor thing that got blown out of proportion. He was frustrated, but he’s calmed down now. He just has a problem when Adam makes little jabs at people that get malicious and nasty. It’s not just when the jabs are directed at him; he gets upset when Adam hurts Big Tad’s feelings, too. This sparks off a rather heated debate between Adam and Brusca.

Brusca points out that he doesn’t mind being told to do something; he doesn’t mind that at all. It’s being belittled that he gets upset at. He points out that other bosses who were nicer have spoiled him.

They play a clip of the fight from yesterday.

Adam feels like maybe Brusca has had bosses in the past that he didn’t sit in the same room with every day for 4 hours and frantically try to achieve a goal. Brusca says he’s got a fair point.

A listener, Terry, calls in. He thinks Adam’s giving them way too much slack. It’s not the Adam Carolla and Friends show, it’s the Adam Carolla show. It’s time to bring the hammer down and get these people in shape.

Another listener calls in. He feels like if Brusca just did his job, they wouldn’t be having this conversation right now.

7:27 GARY SNISE ON THE PHONE

Gary is in a band, the Lieutenant Dan Band, is going to be playing a few shows locally. They have been out doing the USO Tour for a while; he had been on the USO Tour by himself, and he had asked if he could bring a band along with him.

Adam mentions that he really respects people who support the troops like that, because he doesn’t like that he has no way to support them himself. Gary says that is the reason he started the Operation Iraqi Children charity.

The sitcom schedule is one thing, Adam says, but he’s not so sure about the hour-long crime drama schedule. Gary says that CSI: New York keeps him busy for 9 months – enough time to do a movie in his off time, but he’s chosen not to the past few seasons. This next hiatus, he’s going to be doing two USO tours. Between seasons 3 and 4 though, he thinks he’s going to try and do a movie.

The Lieutenant Dan Band will be appearing at the Canyon Club on Friday.

7:51 MARK THE POET

Mark calls in with a limerick.

7:53 NEWS

Deborah LaFavre, the teacher in Florida accused of sleeping with a 14-year-old, is getting off scot-free because the child didn’t want to testify.

A little girl in Orange County had her pony stolen.

8:02 SPORTS

NBA.
Clippers lost to the Hornets.
Sacramento beat Seattle.

NFL.
Tyrone Carter of the Steelers has a brother, Tank, who’s a jailbird, went to the Super Bowl instead of appearing at court. He’s now got an extra 4 years on his sentence for going to the game.

8:15 LIMERICKS

It’s time to read the limericks. Today the limericks are about Brusca.

It appears that Rachel is going to win, but Brian the Phone Screener pulls it out at the last second. Some callers come on and read a few, too.

8:30 DAVE SHERIDAN IN THE STUDIO

Dave Sheridan, star of “Free Ride”, is in the studio. Adam asks if it’s all unscripted and improvised. Dave says yeah, they work off of about a one-page outline. The actors don’t get to see the outline, though. The director just tells them what’s up before they shoot each scene.

He was also on the Sci-Fi show “Scare Tactics”, most memorably as the murderous hitchhiker. He actually got beat up by one of the kids in the car during that prank.

8:36 CELEBRITY ASSKISS RODEO
Adam wants Dave Sheridan to play a little celebrity asskiss rodeo.

8:52 THE MATCH GAME

Tom and Tony call in to play The Match Game. Dave, Dave and Adam will be the celebrity panel.

They play the first clip: “The fly in the soup is ‘blanking’.”

Tom guesses, “douching”.
Dave Sheridan had “crapping.”
Adam had “swimming.”
Dave had “drowning.”

The second one: “The near-sighted cowboy accidentally branded his ‘blank’.”

Tony guesses, “butt”.
Dave Sheridan had “nose.”
Dave had “foot.”
Adam had “buns”, which is close enough to butt.

9:10 THE NRA IS BRILLIANT

If cigarette smokers argued their point like the NRA, they’d still be allowed to smoke in restaurants. At first, smokers were allowed to smoke inside. Then, they were asked to move to the bar. They said okay. Then, it was, only certain sections of the bar. That’s okay, too. Finally, they were moved outside. Now, they’re being asked to not smoke at all. But when they asked the NRA to give up their armor-piercing cop killer bullets, they said no. They won’t concede even a little bit.

9:12 RACHEL RECAPS THE NEWS

Rachel recaps the morning news.

Yesterday, Bush stated that he feels we will still have troops in Iraq in 2009.

9:22 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports.

9:33 A LITTLE ADVICE

James “Lights Out” Toney gives a little advice on expressing sympathy.

9:35 RE-ENACTMENT

Adam and Dave are going to do a re-enactment of what the phone call must’ve been like from the man who cut off his own penis, to his parents who had to bail him out.

9:49 DOUBLE STANDARDS

There are differences between men and women, no matter how equal you want to make things, Adam says. An example is this: would you rather be punched in the face by Rachel, or by Big Tad? Both of them would be assault, of course. But one of them is going to hurt a hell of a lot more.

Deborah LaFavre is complaining in the press that she gets “hit on” and “noticed” in public. Adam thinks that maybe if she got rid of the pop star platinum blonde hair, and switched it to a more natural auburn, she’d blend in with the rest of society.

Deborah has to register has a sex offender because of what happened. When whoever she moves near realizes that they live near Deborah LaFavre, they are going to drop to their knees and thank the Lord.

ADAM WITH MAYOR BARRY GROVEMAN AND DAVID KOECHNER

ADAM WITH MAYOR BARRY GROVEMAN AND DAVID KOECHNER — March 21, 2006 – 5am to 10am, PST

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 ANGIE IS THE NEW RACHEL

Angie is filling in for Rachel again today, while she finishes shooting a pilot.

6:03 THE ILLUSION OF WORK

When Adam had a real job, he would always look like he was working, he says. Nowadays he doesn’t have to, but back in the day, it was something he had to do. You always have to look like you’re working.

Dave is quick to point out that Adam is not advocating doing actual hard work; it’s not that at all. You just have to give the appearance of working hard.

For example: Adam will come in and see Big Tad sitting in the kitchen reading the newspaper. He’ll ask, “What are you doing?” Tad responds, “Checkin’ out the sports section.” Adam will fire back “For work? Are you looking for something?” Tad will kick back “No, just reading it.” Adam thinks he should just say yes! Why not just say yes? Just give the appearance of work.

A listener, Patrick, calls in and says he definitely agrees – the work ethic in this country has gone down the window. Adam says that when he was young, he feared adults. Nowadays, nobody fears adults. There isn’t an 11-year-old around that isn’t snot-nosed.

6:10 HOME IMPROVEMENT QUESTION

A listener has an electrical question for Adam. He’s got a 220V outlet for a dryer, but he wants to run a welder off of it. Adam says to just get an adapter. The listener says no, he wants to leave the dryer plugged in as well. Adam comes up with an answer, and the listener says, “There ya go.”

Adam is pretty sure that he was being quizzed.

John calls in. He wants to fire up an electric tool for Adam and see if Adam can guess what it is. He guesses belt sander, and John says no, he’s sorry, that’s close. It’s a jigsaw. Adam says, “Damnit, you’re right.”

6:13 BIGGER BREAKER

Another listener calls in – he’s got a problem with the electrical answer Adam gave. The guy who wants to run the welder is going to have to figure out the draw on both of those appliances running together, and put in a bigger breaker.

6:26 FREEDOM DOORS

A listener has some Anderson French doors that he installed in the hole where some old metal sliding doors were. They have a brick molding attached to the outside. He needs to stucco from the existing frame to the molding on the door. Adam says he’s got to bust up that stucco and make a rough edge, because if he uses a straight edge, it’s going to crack.

6:31 GUESS THAT TOOL

Mario, a set builder, calls in with a tool for Adam to guess. The first tool is too hard to hear through the static on the phone. Adam asks for a new one – it could be a nail gun or a staple gun, but since Mario builds sets, he’s guessing staple gun. That’s correct.

Another listener calls in. Adam says whatever it is, it needs new bearings, but he’s going to guess a 4-inch grinder. He’s correct again! Dave points out that he managed to get the inches correct, too.

6:37 LIMERICK CONTEST

They are going to draw a name of one of the staff members, and then everybody will write a limerick about that person during the commercial break. As soon as they come back, it’s pens down.

Everybody will be writing about… Angie!

6:46 A LITTLE ADVICE

James “Lights Out” Toney gives out a little advice to someone who’s infatuated with her friend’s husband.

6:47 LEAKY TOILET

Jeff calls in. His toilet leaks around the base, and he needs Adam’s advice. Adam says that Jeff needs to replace the wax ring around the base of the toilet; it’s not a specialty item, you can get it at any hardware store.

6:50 LIMERICKS

The crew reads off their limericks. A listener also calls in with his limerick, and says that they’ve been using the wrong cadence. His follows what he thinks is the right cadence.

Adam thinks that Dave’s was the best.

7:06 NEWS

Insurgents stormed an Iraqi police station this morning, killing several guards.

A 66-year-old man is charged with murder for shooting a 15-year-old boy who walked across his lawn. The man claims the boy and his parents had been harassing him for five years.

Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro were reportedly headed for divorce. Now she’s claiming that everything is fine and nothing is wrong.

Damage from Cyclone Larry is expected to run into the hundreds of millions of dollars, with thousands left homeless. Amazingly, nobody was killed.

7:15 SPORTS

The World Baseball Classic finals were last night. Japan beat Cuba 10 to 6 to claim the crown. The U.S. couldn’t even finish in the top four. We even lost to Canada in Mexico.

NBA.
Clippers won last night.

7:21 ANOTHER HOME IMPROVEMENT QUESTION

Sheila calls in with a question about her staircase.

7:35 OZZIE IN THE STUDIO

Oswaldo is in the studio. He’s here with a speech therapist, Diana, who Adam met on the set of his TLC show “The Adam Carolla Project”. He points out that Diana is quite foxy, and quite pregnant. She’s having a boy, and he’s due today.

They work through some different ideas she’s had for names. Dave things she should pick Luther, because the boy’s last name will be Altus – Luther Altus is a kickass name. Adam thinks she should go with Motive Altus, because it’s quite the detective name.

7:46 V FOR VENDETTA

Ozzie is going to review “V For Vendetta”, and Diana is going to help him out with his English while he reads it.

7:49 ANOTHER NAME

Dave’s got a great name: Zeke Altus. She says she’ll put it on the list.

8:00 BRUSCA DON’T GET NO RESPECT

Brusca mentions that Adam disrespects him a lot. He’s taken the little digs and jabs for over a month and a half now, and he’s tired of it. He doesn’t want to be Adam’s little whipping boy anymore. Adam objects – he only gives Brusca crap about things that he’s asked him to do several times, and Brusca still fails to do. Brusca says that Adam forgets things too, all the time, but Adam thinks that he’s allowed to forget things.

8:06 BARRY GROVEMAN ON THE PHONE

Barry Groveman, the mayor of Calabasas, California, is on the phone. Mayor Groveman is in the news recently for banning all cigarette smoking in the city of Calabasas.

Mayor Groveman points out that this is a public health law that limits public exposure to smoke. It is not a smoking ban, per se. It stops people from smoking in outdoor seating areas, movie theaters, coffee shops, restaurants, parks, and any other area where your smoke can affect other people. This includes in your car, if you have your windows down, and other people could be affected.

Adam thinks that this is all bull. He wants the mayor to name one person we know that has died from second hand smoking. The mayor says that Dana Reeve is one such person. He points out that there are over 800 studies saying that second hand smoke is a health risk. While he respects Adam’s arguments, they are speculation. The mayor will stand with his credible sources, he says.

A person standing 20 feet away from a smoker doesn’t make a difference, Adam says. Mr. Groveman wants to know where the evidence is for that. It’s all just speculation on Adam’s part.

The mayor wants to know what symbols Adam can stand behind in this discussion. He stands with the symbols of public health, he says. Adam says that he’ll stand with Americans who want to retain their civil liberties. Mr. Groveman points out that if you go to the American Civil Liberties Union, you will find that they don’t oppose actions like this, because they know that civil liberties do not extend to actions that hurt other people. Adam says that’s because the ACLU are left wing wackos.

Ultimately, Mr. Groveman feels that the reason they’ve gotten so much support from the Chamber of Commerce and the restaurants associations are that they’ve struck a good balance.

8:40 DEAF FRAT GUY IN THE STUDIO

Deaf Frat Guy is in the studio. He’s back from Spring Break in Havasu, and tells a few stories about their adventures.

Today he’s going to do the Stock Market Report for us. He thinks everybody should invest in beers, booze and condoms, because their frat party is coming up. One of their buddies is getting out of rehab, and he had three words for them: “Bring the funnel.”

Also, his friend Moose took 10 Viagras and tore some connective tissues. Adam wants to know how that relates to the stock market.

8:55 DAVID KOECHNER IN THE STUDIO

Adam notices that David’s lost some weight since he was in Anchorman. He says yeah, he had to quit drinking, ‘cause he’s got twins on the way. Adam’s got twins on the way too, he says, and they realize they’re both expecting kids in June. Adam says, that means they’re best friends now. They can take off together and do the show from an island.

They realize that they live a couple miles apart. David says this is great – he came to promote some movies, and now he’s made a friend for life. Adam says that since David’s quit drinking, he’ll need to find some other way to alter himself if they’re going to hang.

David is appearing in Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector, which premieres next week. He’s also appearing in Thank You For Smoking, which just did a $52,000 per screen average in limited release.

9:09 NAME THAT TOOL

A listener calls in with Name That Tool. Adam guesses a belt sander. Unfortunately, it’s not correct – it’s a drill. Damnit. Adam is 2 and 2 now.

9:12 BRIDGING THE GAP

With his role in Thank You For Smoking, and his role in Larry The Cable Guy, Adam feels like David really has covered both ends of the spectrum here. David is bridging the gap between the red and blue states.

9:14 NEWS RECAP

Angie recaps the news.

President Bush spoke at a press conference this morning. He feels that we will succeed in Iraq, and if we do not, he will pull our troops out of the country.

9:22 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports news.

9:27 BABY NAME

Patrick, David’s brother-in-law, calls in and asks if David is ready to reveal the names he’s got picked out for his kids.

David thinks Sergeant would be a great first name.

9:39 OZZIE’S PHRASE THAT PAYS

Ozzie and Diana have been working together to train Ozzie to say a phrase made up almost entirely of words that he has difficulty saying. If he can manage to say it, he’ll win a much-needed Palm Tx personal digital assistant.

Diana says he’s been doing great.

The phrase he’s going to try and say is “Philip Seymour Hoffman and Felicity Huffman star in the movie ‘A for Adam’.” He blows it the first time, but Adam asks him to try it again, and this time, really have some fun with it.

He pushes through it, and messes up part of it, but Adam says he’ll give him the organizer anyway. He’ll give Diana one, too.

ADAM WITH LAIRD HAMILTON, ELLIOT J. HAHN AND RICHARD MARTIN

ADAM WITH LAIRD HAMILTON, ELLIOT J. HAHN AND RICHARD MARTIN — March 20, 2006 – 5am to 10am, PST

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 DREAMS

Adam thinks one of the most humiliating things you could possibly do to him is to somehow film and screen his dreams for his friends and family to see. They are all over the map for him – so many different topics. He wants to hear other people’s dream stories.

Dave thinks that if you want your dreams analyzed, you might as well do it yourself, because the entire industry of “dream analysis” is such bull. All these theories of what your dreams mean are just hokey, and analyzing other people’s dreams has got to be one of the biggest scams ever.

A listener calls in – his nightmare is Adam spoiling The Sopranos on last Monday morning. How could he do that, when he advocates TiVO so often? Adam says sometimes he doesn’t realize how harmful his jokes can be.

Another listener calls in with a celebrity dream – he had a dream about Steve Carrel giving him a watch. He thinks maybe it symbolized Steve giving him the time back that he wasted watching The Office.

6:30 RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

James “Lights Out” Toney dispenses some advice on discussing sex with your children.

6:33 INCONSISTENCY

Adam wants to know how much time is wasted each year having the same conversation with the same people over and over and over. It’s these kinds of inconsistencies that make people bad employees. It’s not that people are consistently late – it’s people that can show up on time Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, then they’re late Thursday, or they don’t show up, etc.

What’s great is when these same people act as if they are being attacked when you point out their flaws, Adam says. If you tell them they’re doing wrong, they act as if you’re making personal attacks on their character.

Brusca wants to know how often Adam forgets stuff. Every day, every segment, Brusca has to hand him a card to remind him of something. He wants to know why he won’t cut Big Tad some slack. Adam says that when you get to his position, you’re allowed to forget, but when you’re in Big Tad’s position, you can’t.

6:48 LINDSAY RANKS THE GUYS

Lindsay, Adam’s assistant, is going to rank the guys.

She puts Mike at the bottom, with Big Tad next. Jerron the Intern comes next, then Brusca, and then Adam. Number one is of course, Dave.

6:54 THE SLEEPING CHANNEL

Alicia from U.S. Airways is on the horn. Adam actually produced his own “Sleeping Channel” for the U.S. Airways in-flight entertainment. Apparently, it’s going into rotation starting in May.

Adam figures that it’s been around 40 years since they started using headphones. And in that time, nobody has put together an in-flight music channel that is conducive to sleep. Adam designed that channel, and gave it to them, and they are going to try it out and get the “ratings.”

He says he knows she thinks she’s feisty, but there’s a sexual tension there that would transcend all of that — they’d make sweet music together. She asks if it would put her to sleep. Adam says he’s had enough of that.

7:05 TOLERANCE

This country has been taken over by warning labels, and stickers, and attorneys, Adam thinks. It’s built up slowly over time, so we didn’t realize it happening.

One place where this has happened is the sexual harassment seminar at work. Any major company is going to put you through a sexual harassment seminar. Can’t you get a certification for this? Why do we have to go through so many of these? We go through them at every job. Why can’t we just carry a card or a certificate that says we’ve been through this, and we know it?

Adam was told he has to go through one of these today at 11, and he says no. He’s making a stand. He’s not going to go. Dave says CBS will fire him if he doesn’t go, and he says let them. He doesn’t think they can; he thinks that he could sue them.

He’s asking everybody on his staff to not go, and he thinks that if any of them are fired, they’ll have a good wrongful termination lawsuit on their hands.

Him and Angie do a little role-playing to figure out what constitutes sexual harassment.

7:19 NEWS

Good news: Today is officially the first day of spring.

Bad news: There’s trouble in the Middle East. Yesterday was the third anniversary of the Iraqi war.

A powerful cyclone, Larry, hit Queensland in Australia over the weekend. There was massive damage, but there was minimal loss of life.

Last week in Chicago, police got a call about a man running around a neighborhood smashing car windows. He decided to cut off his penis and throw it at the police, then throw lots of knives, none of which stuck.

7:26 SPORTS

NCAA.
Dave’s bracket is totally trashed. He’s pretty sure nobody would’ve predicted the current state of the tournament.

View the latest bracket.

7:38 LAIRD HAMILTON IN THE STUDIO

Laird Hamilton, the pro surfer, is in studio. Adam wants to know if it makes a difference where you catch the waves. Laird says that there are definitely multiple kinds of waves – there are “nicer” 30-foot waves than others. There are places where you can wipe out and land on a bunch of coral, and there are others where it’s going to be just soft sand.

Dave wants to know what will happen to him if he goes out, inexperienced as he is, and tries to catch a huge wave. Will he just wipe out and that’s it? Laird says he’ll drown, unless he’s wearing flotation.

In other sports, when you f—up, you don’t die, Adam says. If you screw this up, you’ll die. Laird says that definitely helps you focus. You get better quick.

Adam wants to know what a day is like for Laird Hamilton, besides flexing for hours in the mirror every morning. He says basically just training. They’ve got bikes weighted with lead, that they drag logs behind, etc.

7:57 REVERSE ASSKISS RODEO

Out of great respect, Adam is going to kiss Laird’s ass.

8:07 ELLIOT HAHN IN THE STUDIO

You can visit Mr. Hahn’s website at http://hahnbolsonllp.lawoffice.com/.

Elliot Hahn, Attorney at Law, is in the studio to discuss the sexual harassment seminar. He says that if you’re in a managerial position, at a company with 50 or more people worldwide, you are required by law to attend a sexual harassment seminar at least once a year. Adam says he’s still not going.

Adam says that he could walk out of the seminar and drop his pants, and it wouldn’t matter that he had attended the seminar. Elliot says at that point, the company can use the defense that they attempted to educate him.

Elliot says that these seminars are basically to inform others that, now a day, in the state of California, the workplace has become a very, very sterile place. Some places even go as far as to forbid dating in the workplace.

Jack Silver, the Program Director at KLSX, calls in. He says he expects to see every member of Adam’s staff, including Adam, in the conference room for their training today. He feels that, even though Adam may not benefit, his staff will. Adam says no, nobody benefits from that.

A listener calls in. He was brought up on sexual harassment charges for a “slightly inappropriate” email he accidentally forwarded to too many people. He says that even though it wasn’t offensive, it’s still on his employee file.

8:34 RICHARD MARTIN IN THE STUDIO

Republican representative Richard Martin is in the studio.

Adam wants to know how Richard feels about certain school districts beginning to require permission slips before you can take sex education. Richard says Amen. We need more of that. Adam thinks that’s taking a step backwards, and Richard says yes, and that’s good. We need to go backward, he thinks. We need to go back to a simpler time.

The U.S. lost the World Baseball Classic — to Mexico, no less. And when you look around in the stands, nobody’s wearing any suits, Richard says. There’s just no respect.

Dave asks if Richard is enjoying this new show “Big Love” on HBO. It’s despicable, Richard says. There’s no place for polygamy in society. If you’re going to have four wives, he says, do it one at a time.

8:51 MORE ADVICE

James “Lights Out” Toney dishes out a little advice about spoiling children.

8:54 THE ED REVIEWS DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES

The Ed calls in from Vegas to review Desperate Housewives for us.

At the start of the show, all the girls are having a party. Gabriella kisses the blonde haired lady’s husband. They all got really mad. Then after the party, they all make the red haired lady clean up. The blonde haired lady said to Gabriella, don’t kiss my husband no more. So they got into a fight about it. The red haired lady’s son – we found out he’s a homo. She’s mad at him. He shouldn’t be gay like that, Ed thinks. He was kissing a boy in public. Ed thinks it seems like everybody on TV is gay. They got a black neighbor now, and they lock their son in the basement. The blonde haired lady catches Gabriella in her house with her husband. And some white man breaks into the black peoples house, and frees the son. The black people put the dead white man in the trunk of their car, and locked the keys in. But someone crashed into the car and the trunk popped open, and everybody in the world sees the dead white man.

9:08 NEWS RECAP

Angie recaps the news.

9:19 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports.

9:25 BRUSCA’S LIMERICK

Brusca cracks out a limerick about Dave.

9:33 BIG TAD’S BIG DATE

Big Tad had a date over the weekend, Adam found out. David Allen Grier called him up and said he saw Big Tad with a cute girl out at the club.

He met her on New Year’s Eve, and they’ve been exchanging emails through MySpace. Finally, they decided to hang out. They went to the Improv on Friday to see David Allen Grier, but Tad’s legs and feet were killing him after running that marathon in studio.

Tad went in for a little peck on the cheek. Adam wants to know why he didn’t go in for the full-on kiss – Tad says he was trying to be a gentleman.

9:36 DICK VITALE ON THE PHONE

Dick Vitale calls up to talk about the NCAA Tournament.

9:50 ERICA ON THE PHONE

Erica, Tad’s date on Friday, is on the phone. Tad says she’s very attractive.

Adam points out that Erica insisted on going Dutch for the date. He wants to know why she wouldn’t let Big Tad pay. She says it’s because she’s a lush. Now, Adam has to know if she’s just being nice, or if she’s seriously interested. She says it’s definitely a romantic interest.