ADAM WITH CLAUDIA JORDAN, JESS ZAINO, KEVIN NEALON AND ROBERT SMIGEL

ADAM WITH CLAUDIA JORDAN, JESS ZAINO, KEVIN NEALON AND ROBERT SMIGEL — 5am to 10am, April 28, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 BREAKFAST

Adam came downstairs this morning, and his wife was cooking him breakfast. It was bizarre, he says. He’s never sure how to react in situations like this. It’s like a baseball glove that hasn’t been broken in — it can’t receive the pitch. Claudia points out that it must’ve been a great breakfast, though, because Adam’s not complaining about it. Adam says that this event has left him unable to complain for 18 hours.

6:05 BRUSCA’S BODACIOUS BREAKFAST

Dave asks if Adam’s breakfast is the source of the delicious eggy, cheesy smell in the booth. No, Adam says, that’s Brusca’s little breakfast sandwich. His wife feeds him a great breakfast, and then packs him a little back-up breakfast, too. He’s not in the room, Dave says — pass that over.

6:08 ADAM’S SLEEP CHANNEL

A listener, Clay, calls in. He’s going to be flying US Air from San Diego to Connecticut on May 1st, and he’d really love to just be able to get some sleep on that flight. Great, Adam says. He can listen to the new sleep music channel. Ninety minutes of uninterrupted sleep.

Clay is going to check back in after his flight and let us know how it was.

6:32 A RE-ENACTMENT

Claudia reads a little news early. Apparently, an 18 year old was so dissatisfied with the size of his penis, that he decided to take his own life. Dave feels he and Adam should do a re-enactment of the phone call notifying the parents.

6:43 A HORRIBLE TAKE

Adam’s realized that these commercials with people like Donald Trump come on, and they seem terrible, it’s probably because they were in such a hurry. If it were Adam or Dave doing one, the director would say, “Let’s do that again.” But when you’re Trump, and you’ve got no time, and there’s a helicopter waiting for you out on the road, they’ll just have to take whatever they can do.

They come up with a few other “The More You Know” ads that Donald Trump might read.

6:57 CLAUDIA JORDAN AND JESS ZAINO IN THE STUDIO

Claudia Jordan, best known as a model from Deal Or No Deal, is on the program. She’s “briefcase number one” from the show. She also has a show on the Style Network, “Modern Girl’s Guide to Life”. Jess Zaino is also on the program, from the same show. Their show is basically about showing girls how to do stuff they need to know, like what kind of dildo to buy, or how to defend yourself from an attacker.

As far as the whole “defend yourself” thing, Adam feels like it’s such an encased environment, over there at the Burbank YMCA. Next time, do the training, but tell them there’s no blanks in this gun. If this guy gets a hold of you, he’s really going to rape you. Now see how well they do.

7:07 DAVID WEINSTEIN IN THE STUDIO

David Weinstein, a writer, is in the studio. He’s an old friend of Brusca’s, and he’s dating Jess Zaino. Brusca gives a list of the top seven reasons why she should not be dating David Weinstein.

7:22 KEVIN NEALON IN THE STUDIO

Kevin Nealon, best known from Saturday Night Live, is in the studio. His show “Weeds” on Showtime starts its’ second season this August. He’ll also be at the Hermosa Comedy and Magic Club in May.

7:25 NEWS

Claudia reads the morning news.

7:37 MORE WITH KEVIN NEALON

Adam mentions that Nealon pops over to Kimmel’s Sunday football games once in awhile. From what he hears, it’s turning into quite the event, Kevin says. You know what it’s like, Adam asks? It’s like if you were a big REM fan back in the day, when they didn’t have many fans, and now they are so huge, and you’ve got crappy tickets to the concert. Kevin asks why Adam doesn’t just throw a little VIP bash at his own house? Well, Kimmel whines, says Adam.

Plus, Adam hates people. Kevin says he never would have known.

7:48 JOE GANNASCOLI ON THE PHONE

Joe Gannascoli, who plays “Gay Vito”, is on the phone. Adam asks if the whole “gay” storyline was a surprise for him when he read it in the script. Joe points out — it’s well documented that it was his idea. He had been reading a book at home about a gay mobster, and he thought it would be a good idea for The Sopranos. Initially the writers had said no, but eventually they asked him to bring in that book again, and they liked it.

Joe’s got a new book out, a cookbook novel called “A Meal To Die For”. It tells the story of a man who loses $60,000 gambling, and decides to go out to Los Angeles to pursue an acting career. He ends up getting recruited by the mob to be a cook. Dave asks if that ever actually happened. Unfortunately, no, he never cooked for the mob.

Visit Joe’s website at http://www.joesoup.com for more information.

8:05 ROBERT SMIGEL ON THE PHONE

Robert Smigel, a writer and heavy contributor to Saturday Night Live, is on the phone. His creations for SNL include “Triumph the Dog”. “The Ambiguously Gay Duo”, and “Fun with Real Audio”. Adam says that whenever people would complain over at The Man Show about a bit not being usable on TV, he would point to Robert Smigel’s works and point out how much blatantly worse they are. Robert says that basic cable has the cheap lawyers. General Electric has much better attorneys.

This Saturday, Saturday Night Live will be an all-Smigel edition, showing the best of all of his cartoons. On top of that, the show is actually hosted by the Ambiguously Gay Duo.

8:22 NO TV

Oswaldo’s wife is cleaning Adam’s house right now, he says. Not kidding. And what’s weird is, when she’s done cleaning, she’ll just sit at the table and wait for Ozzie to come pick her up. She just sits. He tells her, go watch TV! Go listen to the radio! Do anything else. But she won’t do it. Kevin says that his gardener won’t even walk through the house to get to the backyard. He always says, just walk through the house. But his gardener just goes around.

8:25 AMERICAN IDOL

Dave tells the story of when he saw Kevin Nealon giving a standing ovation on American Idol. Kevin says he just absolutely loves that show, and he goes out to watch it. Adam gets on to him for going without the excuse of taking his kids, because he doesn’t have any. Kevin says it’s no problem; he loves that show and he’s not ashamed of it. To Adam, that is about the same as saying “I love ten year old kids, and I’m not ashamed of it.”

8:36 CELEBRITY ASSKISS RODEO

It’s time for Kevin Nealon to play a bit of Asskiss Rodeo.

8:45 RICH MAN, POOR MAN

Adam and Kevin talk about a few things that both fabulously rich people and ridiculously poor people do. For example: having upholstered furniture outside. Or showering outside. Having tons of cars.

8:58 DOES DAVE REALLY SOUND LIKE THAT?

A listener calls in. Does Dave actually talk like that all the time? It’s like a cross between Adam Carolla and Howard Cosell. Dave says he’s flattered. Adam says what can you do? He may sound similar, but he’s good at what he does.

9:00 DICK VITALE ON THE PHONE

Dicky V calls in to talk to Adam and Dave, even though college basketball season is over. Today, he’s talking movies.

9:25 JOHN MADDEN ON THE PHONE

John Madden calls in during the sports recap to talk a little NFL draft news. Adam points out that last time Madden was on, he was upset that Brett Favre was considering retirement. Dave things that this is a big argument for cloning: if we can clone Brett Favre, every NFL team can have one of them. John honestly believes that if you change your name to Brett Favre, you will be a better quarterback. Let’s take it one step further, Adam says. Why call it AIDS? Why not call it Brett Favre? I got killed by Brett Favre. What an honor.

That brings us to the next question: Who is more popular, Adam asks, Jesus or Brett Favre? John sighs. That’s a tough question. Jesus died for our sins, but Brett Favre played another year for us.

9:36 RICHARD MARTIN THE REPUBLICAN

Richard Martin, Republican representative, is in the studio. He says he was listening to the program earlier and really loved the “Rich Man or Poor Man” segment. He’s got one to add: if you’re poor, you have a bunch of cruddy pool cues, but if you’re rich, you have one fantastic one. Adam says he’s not so sure about that. Richard has another: if you’re rich, you’re tied to big oil, and if you’re poor, you’re big and oily. Adam says he appreciates the effort.

This whole debate on oil is pointless, Richard says. The last time he checked, his car didn’t run on poor people, he says. Things run on oil and the exploited labors of the lower class. And of course, the debate on Darfur. Richard says their government has stated they don’t want our help. Dave asks, aren’t they the same government that are killing their own people? Richard says to get with it. It’s rude to just go into a foreign country.

9:55 THE 80 YEAR OLD CAROLLA FAN

A female listener, Ellen, comes on the line. She’s such a huge Carolla fan; she just loves his show, and she loves dirty jokes and just everything like that. Adam says hang on the line, we need an old fan, and he knows she’s gold.

ADAM AND ANASTASIA ASHLEY, DEBORAH NORVILLE, DR. DREW, WILLIAM SHATNER, KID ROCK, PETER GUBER, AND THE GIBSON CONTEST

ADAM AND ANASTASIA ASHLEY, DEBORAH NORVILLE, DR. DREW, WILLIAM SHATNER, KID ROCK, PETER GUBER – April 27, 2006 – 5am to 10am, PST

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 MOVIE PREMIERES

Adam says he would go to movie premieres if he just happened upon a movie premiere, but when he has to set time aside to go to a movie premiere, he’s not interested.

A few weeks ago, Adam and his wife made plans – and he had is wife call to make sure the time was correct. When she called, they got a message that their friends wouldn’t be there until 8PM instead of the prearranged time.

Adam was upset; thinking “Weren’t you going to call?” But then the siren song of the TiVo called him.

6:07 RELATIONSHIPS

Adam says that relationships fail because people spend too much time together. The world is filled with narcissists who think they have something more interesting to provide than the television. The folks on the TV are professional entertainers, so why leave the house?

6:10 THE GIBSON CONTEST

Later in the show, people are coming into the studio and playing Hocus Pocus by Focus to win a Gibson guitar and tickets to the Kid Rock concert.

Adam wanted to have Big Tad find out when the song was written yesterday, but Big Tad kept coming back with the wrong information, i.e., when the band was formed, when the band released their first album. The world, oddly enough, is made for the 2% of the people that don’t follow the rules.

Adam likens this to the workplace, where you have the same conversation with 2 or 3 people over and over again. He had a similar problem last night when on the Jimmy Kimmel Live set, doing a boxing skit. His partner was punching too close to his head, and Adam had to tell him – as well as the stunt coordinator – nine times to back off and swing, don’t keep getting closer.

In the end, Adam says that he realizes that that’s life.

The skit will air on Jimmy Kimmel Live tomorrow night.

6:19 HOBOPOWER

Adam is looking for hobopower stories that can be rated on the air, so he wants people to call in with their best hobopower story.

6:28 HOBOPOWER CONTINUED

Adam talks to people on the phone about their best hobopower stories. For those of you who don’t know, hobopower is a unit of stink measurement born out of necessity. There’s unit of measurement for everything except stink, so Adam decided one day to fill that gap.

6:39 ANASTASIA ASHLEY

Anastasia Ashley fell in love with Adam back when she was thirteen. Adam is bringing in her and her boyfriend, also named Adam, to face this arch nemesis.

6:47 THE ANASTASIA ASHLEY INTERVIEW

Anastasia, the 19 year old professional surfer, and her boyfriend, Adam, are in the studio. Adam wants Adam to help this go as nicely as possible. There’s a new sheriff in town, and Adam’s, meaning Mr. Carolla’s, biological clock is ticking. He wants Anastasia for a few decades, and then if things are meant to be between Anastasia and her current boyfriend, things’ll happen then.

Anastasia’s boyfriend suggests a cook-off between Adam and himself. Mainly because he has developed new products in the food industry and created something different in the spice department for today’s generation.

Dave runs a trivia contest between the two men to see who can win Anastasia’s heart. Carolla easily wins.

7:06 DEBORAH NORVILLE

Deborah Norville is the host of Inside Edition. She called into the show. She tells Adam that Connie Chung gave her an address book to put all the names and numbers of her new friends when she moved to New York.

Adam asks Deborah about Maury Povich. She says she can’t really tell him too much about Maury, but the entire affair with strip clubs and whatnot seems rather strange.

7:14 THE NEWS

Claudia reports the news.

Denise Richards is back in the papers with her divorce.

Kelly Pickler got booted off of American Idol last night.

Chris Rock had a model investigated by a private eye after being accused of fathering her child.

7:21 THE SPORTS

Dave reports the sports.

NBA, Lakers win 99-93.

LA Clippers play tonight.

Pittsburgh Pirates are 5 in 18.

Arizona Snakes won.

Dave plays NBA Player or Tech Stock with a listener.

7:36 DR. DREW

Dr. Drew from LoveLine is in the studio. Adam has been partnered up with Jimmy Kimmel for many years and Dr. Drew for many years, and Adam says that he looks forward to seeing them both every time the meet.

Dr. Drew thinks the key to their magic is going to the bathroom together and talking at the urinals, and then talking on their cellphones on the way home after the show.

Dr. Drew is actually looking for a new partner right now. He’s looking for someone with entertainment value and keep the rhythm of the show going. Someone who is funny. Dr. Drew tells Adam that it’s impossible to find someone to fill Adam’s shoes since he left the show, but they keep trying.

7:53 MORE WITH DR. DREW

At LoveLine, Adam says that everyone who worked there was angry. And there were virtually no fans of Adam Carolla there – he’d get notes from the administration telling him to stop talking. It wasn’t like the show was a music show.

Adam talks with Dr. Drew about personal stories that they used to talk about on the air. Like when his grandmother dies and said that everything reminded her of her husband after he passed away.

Adam calls Chief Thunderbear into the studio. He’s a board certified gynecologist, and they ask for calls from the audience to help people out on the air.

Dr. Drew tells Adam that they were doing LoveLine TV and he had a panic attack one day. They had people in the studio and they were fighting. He started having panic attacks and Adam chased him into the dressing room and yelled at him to get his butt back on stage so they could finish.

8:16 MORE WITH DR. DREW AND DEAF FRAT GUY AND WILLIAM SHATNER

Willima Shatner calls into the show. Dr. Drew is joined by Deaf Frat Guy, also a USC student like Dr. Drew once was.

William has a Wells Fargo Charity Horse Show this weekend at the Equestrian Center in Burbank.

Adam mentions that William is actually very funny. William says that people don’t recognize his humor and think they’re doing a parody of himself, so they don’t laugh.

8:23 DR. DREW AND DEAF FRAT GUY

Deaf Frat Guy has a crush on a girl named Ashley and needs Dr. Drew’s advice. She got down with Moose and called him Quick Draw McGraw. But he’s worried about getting together with her because he won’t last that long in the sack. Should he take something to last longer? Dr. Drew tells him not to take anything – that’s really bad. After 10 minutes it tends to be painful for women, so he shouldn’t worry about it.

8:36 DEAF FRAT GUY ADVICE

Deaf Frat Guy is hoping to fill Adam’s stool over at LoveLine with Dr. Drew. They have listeners call in to try giving advice – a try out of sorts.

8:44 KID ROCK CALLS IN

Kid Rock calls into the show. He talks to Adam about his concert and the Gibson Guitar the show is giving away.

8:59 PETER GUBER IN STUDIO

Peter Guber is in the studio. He’s a big time movie producer and does Sunday Morning Shootout on AMC on Sundays at 11AM.

Peter is responsible for many summer blockbusters like “Batman Returns.” He thinks this year the big films are going to be movies like “The Da Vinci Code.”

Piracy has been a really big deal in the film business because it affects everything else. Movies that cost $300 million to produce, like the new “Superman,” are hard to recoup money on when people pirate a movie the day it’s released. The model is changing because of piracy: you’ll see more event pictures and the small films will go directly to the home market.

“Mission Impossible 3” is considered a bulletproof film. Awareness, penetration, and a big star. These are the ingredients for a tent pole movie.

9:14 MORE WITH PETER GUBER

Adam and Peter talk about back end percentages. Stars like Tom Cruise may make $25 million against 25% of the back end. When everything is done, he could make $60 to $70 million total if the film does well. And, Tom is one of the few people that is a guaranteed pole at the box office, so the studios will pay him.

Peter also says that, whatever you may think about him, Tom is a master of his craft. And MI3 has the benefit of opening early and being able to play the whole summer.

For “Pirates of the Caribbean 2,” people complained about the length of the film. Peter says they compensate for the cost by piggybacking one film on top of another. For example, they shot Pirates 2 and 3 together to help mitigate costs.

Biggest risk to recover its costs, “Poseidon.” It feels derivative and it cost $170 million dollars.

9:29 GIBSON GUITAR CONTEST

Adam runs a contest to win a $1400 Gibson guitar, concert tickets to see Kid Rock and backstage passes. There are four contestants in the studio. They only need to play Hocus Pocus by Focus to win the package.

ADAM WITH JIM GAFFIGAN, ADRIENNE BARBEAU, GUY AOKI AND TEDDY ZEE

ADAM WITH JIM GAFFIGAN, ADRIENNE BARBEAU, GUY AOKI AND TEDDY ZEE — 5am to 10am, April 26, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

(Claudia DeFalco is in studio this morning to read the news.)

6:00 SUCCESS

Nobody who didn’t know what they want to do early in life has been successful later in life, Adam says. When you’re young, you know what you want to be. Some of them are lofty, of course, like a rock star, or an astronaut, but there’s usually one just below that. Something that you can actually attain; your “passion.” That’s what you have to focus on. That’s what you have to hone. The schools should really focus on that, Adam thinks. He knows at least half of his high school should never have gone to college, but high school students are forced in. You’re groomed for it the entire time you are in high school.

Dave is upset that the school systems have determined that everybody in school must focus on math. The multiplication tables, sure, add and subtract, okay, but beyond that… why? Why are they shoving so much math down our throats?

6:08 JUNIOR COMMUNITY COLLEGE

A listener calls in. Junior College isn’t even really called that anymore, he tells Adam. They’re calling it “Community College” now. Adam feels like they should tack on another Junior to that. The only point of that college, he says, is to prepare kids for their horrible job. It just buys time.

6:11 JUST LIE ABOUT IT

Claudia wants to know: how many people lie about having college on their resume? Dave tells her that is the big secret. No employer ever checks on this. If you wanted to get a Bachelor of Arts, just put that you did. Go for it. If you want to be a doctor, or a lawyer, sure, you need to really go. Beyond that, just say you did.

6:13 SHE IS NOT DEAD

A listener, Jose, calls in from Vegas. Some woman left a jacket in the hotel/casino that he works in, and it’s got her wallet and all her personal belongings in it. Adam and Dave say they should cut up her stuff and make a ransom note out of it. The listener stresses that he did not kidnap her, or kill her. What should he do? Adam says that you should get cleaned up and head over to her place. On second thought, though, they aren’t sure what exactly to do.

They send Jose over to Bryan the Phone Screener.

6:30 A TOUCH AND GO SITUATION

Dan from Las Vegas calls in with some advice for Jose. Brusca says they’ve got Bryan making headway.

6:30 CHRISTIAN THE 13-YEAR-OLD COMEDIAN

Christian the 13-year-old comedian comes on the program along with Jeff Ross. Christian will be performing at the Hollywood Improv on May 10th. (You can buy tickets at http://www.AdamCarolla.com.)

Jeff gives Christian some advice for his act on the 10th, and then Christian does a little of his act.

6:43 A CONTEST

There’s a contest, Adam says. Gibson gave them a guitar. Kid Rock will be at the Gibson Amphitheater tomorrow night, and they’ve got five pairs of tickets to give away. But they’ve got the guitar to give away, too. And Adam doesn’t want to give it away to just anybody who’s going to eBay it. They have to be able to play.

People who want to win the guitar have to call in and play a little “Hocus Pocus” by Focus, and they’re going to have a little “battle of the bands” to determine the winner. Brusca says that just for trying, they’ll give you a pair of tickets to the Kid Rock show. Adam swears he said that already.

6:57 THE FAKE TAN

Adam was headed to get a fake tan yesterday, Dave points out, but he doesn’t look nearly as tan as he would’ve expected. Adam says that’s because Dave thinks of everything like it’s a sitcom.

6:59 WHO CAN ROCK OUT?

Sergio calls in. He can totally play this song; he’s late for work, but he’s been desperate to get a hold of the show. They tell him to get his guitar. He says he’ll play Hocus Pocus by Focus in his Ford Focus.

Jillian calls in on her way to work. Her husband is a rock guitarist, but she doesn’t know any guitarists who are up before 10 in the morning.

Mark calls up and wants to play a song called Laid To Rest. They have to put him on hold, because Sergio found his guitar. He rocks it out. Adam modifies the instructions a little — it has to be a song we’ll all recognize. Mark comes back on to play a little Metallica.

7:19 JIM GAFFIGAN ON THE HORN

Jim Gaffigan, the comedian, calls in. He doesn’t have a lick to play, though. Adam tells him he doesn’t need to play a lick when he appears on the World’s 100 Least Sexy Entertainers list.

He says he’s calling in because he’s a friend of Adam’s. Not to plug his Comedy Central special on Sunday, and definitely not to plug his act on the 29th. Adam thinks they should hang out. But it can’t be tomorrow, Jim says, because he’s going to be on Conan O’Brien.

Jim thinks everybody should check out his MySpace and his blog. Adam wants to know how exactly to get to all that, because Adam doesn’t use computers. It baffles Jim that Adam can just get by not using computers.

7:25 LICK LICK LICK

Darryl comes on the line to play a riff. Dave says he definitely represented himself well, and he thinks Darryl should be in.

7:42 NEWS

The Smoking Gun has more disturbing details in the Charlie Sheen/Denise Richards debacle. Apparently, Ms. Richards is alleging that Charlie Sheen may have something to do with the death of a prostitute.

Ryan Seacrest and Paula Abdul are reportedly not speaking to one another.

7:47 SPORTS

NBA and NHL playoffs are on-going.

Brett Favre is coming back to the Packers.

Kobe Bryant is switching from number 8 to number 24.

8:00 ADRIENNE BARBEAU IN THE STUDIO

Adrienne Barbeau is on the program. Adam points out that as a kid, he had a black-and-white picture of her, naked, that he hid in a book. Dave wants to know how it makes Adrienne feel to know that Adam abused himself to pictures of her. Was it really abuse, she asks?

Adam is amazed that she’s 61, because she looks amazing. It’s healthy living and great genes, she says. Dave tells her, she has to pick: Burt Reynolds, back in the day… Smokey… the peak of his career… or Adam Carolla, right now. She says she’ll take Adam. Stop the show, Dave declares.

Her new book, “There Are Worse Things I Could Do“, is out now. It’s not really an autobiography, she says, it’s more just stories. For example, she had two twins when she was in her 40s. Full term, no drugs. Adam says he needs to yell at his wife, and possibly show her the picture.

8:18 MORE GUITAR LICKS

It’s time to continue the guitar lick contest.

8:44 DRUNKEN TREE MASCOT IN THE STUDIO

The Druken Tree Mascot is on the program to do a few new cheers for Adam.

8:52 JOSE’S WALLET UPDATE

Jose calls back in from Vegas. He’s found the house that the girl who left her jacket behind lives at. She lives at home. Adam wants to know how he knows that. It’s because, unfortunately, her little brother answered the door.

9:05 NEWS RECAP

Claudia recaps the news.

9:09 BRUSCA IS A CREEP

Brusca cuts the sports recap. Dave’s response: “You creep.”

9:15 TODD GLASS IN THE STUDIO

Todd Glass, the comedian, is on the program. He and Adam both share opinions on a lot of things, Adam says. For example, they both do similar bits on dressing up as an airline pilot and getting drunk at the airport bar. Also, they both have serious issues with the way we as a society design our bathrooms.

9:34 ASSKISS RODEO WITH TODD GLASS

Todd plays a round of Asskiss Rodeo with Adam.

He’ll be at the Melrose Improv tonight.

9:44 GUY AOKI AND TEDDY ZEE IN THE STUDIO

Guy Aoki, the President of the Media Action Network for Asian Americans, is on the program. He is here to clear the air regarding any racism towards Asian Americans on the show. Also in the studio is Teddy Zee, the producer of the Asian Excellence Awards.

Mr. Aoki wants to stress that they don’t want people to not make fun of Asians; that’s not their goal at all. They just don’t want their people to be marginalized, or generalized about, in a way that would be considered unacceptable to do to other races. They don’t want to hear Asians referred to as “chinamen” or “ching chong”, or anything of that nature, which could be considered by some as the equivalent of the “n-word.”

Adam feels like it’s important for everybody to know that he is not a racist; the segment was done in the name of comedy. It was unfortunate that the bit was approved and aired, but at the time, Adam was unaware of the racist undertones associated with the content of the bit.

The group agrees that everything is “cool”, and they hope to move forward from here.

ADAM WITH SID STEIN AND HENRY PHILLIPS

ADAM WITH SID STEIN AND HENRY PHILLIPS — 5am to 10am PST, April 25, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

(Claudia DeFalco is back from vacation, and will be doing the news today.)

6:00 THE NUDE BEACH

Dave points out the problem with a nude beach. Oh sure, it sounds like a great idea. It seems like a good thing. But of course, when you get there, you realize that 98% of the population is hideously ugly.

That points out the main problem with men and women, Adam says. Girls like Claudia want to see boobies, and guys like him and Dave want to see boobies, too. None of them want to see the penis. It’s not like you can be hitting on a woman, have her uninterested, and then pull out your penis and say “Now what do you think?”

Claudia wants to know, would Adam and Dave go bottomless at the nude beach? Maybe, they say. Not if they were there with their families, though. That would just turn any family get-togethers into a macabre scene. In any case, she wants them to make sure and use sunscreen. Adam thinks a cap full will do. For the week.

6:07 THE PILE OF PORN

Adam got a box of porn delivered to the station. It wasn’t the first, either. Said box made it into the trunk of his BMW. He kept thinking he needed to bring it into the house, but his wife, being pregnant as she is, probably wouldn’t want to see him bringing a huge box of porn into the house. But every day, he would see it sliding around the back of the car. He kept thinking, “I need to get that out of the car,” but he never did.

Well, yesterday, it finally happened.

He was on his way to work. He tossed his gym bag in the trunk, jumped in the car, and took off. About a half mile down the road, the car started acting funny. He didn’t want to take the chance, so he turned around and went home, jumped in another car, and left. When he got to work, he realized, he didn’t have his gym bag. He calls home. “Honey, I need my gym bag. Can you have [the butler] bring it?” His wife tells him, “He’s not here. I’ll do it.” He tried and tried, but he couldn’t convince her to not go out there and get crushed by a avalanche of porn.

The moral of the story is: if there’s something you need to do, don’t put it off. Do it when you think of it.

Dave adds, imagine getting pulled over and having the car searched by a cop. “Oh, whoa, the Man Show dude, he’s got a trunk full of porn. He lives it man, he lives it.”

6:22 CHEATING

There’s a difference between men and women and the reasons they cheat, Adam says. And the difference is simple. Men cheat on their woman because they are horny. They want to have sex. Women cheat because they want attention. The guy isn’t doing something correctly.

6:25 SID STEIN ON THE PHONE

Sid Stein comes on to give some tips about cheating. He’s the author of “A Little On The Side“, a man’s guide to cheating on your wife.

6:27 HOW TO CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE

The first thing guys need to do is establish a routine. Men change their behavior, and women notice. Guys need to establish a night out from the start of the relationship.

Next — guys tend to choose the wrong women. The more the woman has to lose, the more discreet she’s going to be. Guys tend to pick some young girl, or some co-worker. And those girls just don’t have enough to lose.

And of course, guys tend to forget to keep their wives happy. A happy wife is not a suspicious wife.

Adam feels like naturally, guys are meant to “roam.” They’ve been declawed by society. But in Europe, guys are sometimes allowed mistresses, and they’ll have both a wife and a mistress for many, many years. And that can save their marriage, he thinks. Sid agrees — back in the day, divorce was illegal. So guys had to have a way to cheat.

Another few tips: always use cash, never credit cards. Don’t cheat too close too home — the “fifty mile radius” rule. You have to be careful where you go. Don’t bring souveniers home from your cheating escapade, meaning matchbooks, or pictures, or sexually transmitted diseases.

There seem to be guys who cheat just to escape their current relationship, Adam feels. Sid says yes, some guys do it and then ensure that they get caught.

Should you take your wedding ring off, Adam asks? No. Sid’s rule is, “Always be honest, except with your wife.” The girl needs to know that you are cheating. Don’t disillusion her. Let her know that you still love your wife, and you still love your kids, and you aren’t looking to leave them. If that girl thinks you’re single, that’s when she’s going to start calling your house.

Dave asks, should we all have a lady on the side? It’s not for everybody, Sid says. Some people just don’t have the personality to get away with this. For those people, masturbation is the way to go. There are guys who can learn the right techniques, though.

What’s the answer when you are confronted by people, Adam wants to know? “No. I am not cheating.” That’s always your answer. Deny deny deny. You have to say no.

You’ve got to tell your lover to lay off the perfume and make-up, Sid suggests. If you come home to your wife and you smell different, she’s going to want to know who you’re sleeping with. And everything has a scent. So you have to be careful.

6:45 CHEATERS CHECK IN

A listener calls in to tell a story about how he’s been cheating on his wife for many years.

6:56 A LITTLE ADVICE

Heavyweight Champion James “Lights Out” Toney gives a little advice to a woman who feels like her husband may cheat on her.

6:58 A LIMERICK FOR CLAUDIA

Sir Mark Bruback, aka Mark the Poet, calls in with a limerick for Claudia.

7:19 DOUG THE INTERN IN THE STUDIO

Doug the Intern is on the program. He’s Indian, and he starts off wanting to know who that other Indian guy was that came on during the bumper music. He wants to be the only Indian on staff.

7:20 DOUG’S ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

Regis is doing a live show, and he’s going to bring 6 guys up on stage to audition for Kelly Ripa’s job.

There is going to be a live action Dallas movie. Adam says this is great, because the country is gripped with Dallas fever. Nobody can stop talking about Patrick Duffie.

Whitney Houston is going back into rehab. Doug doesn’t have a story for this, he just thinks she’s an idiot. Adam feels like she definitely shouldn’t deny that she’s been using crack. Because if she was acting that way sober, then we should just kill her.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes decided to give their daughter an Indian name. Doug says that Tom Cruise is gay, though.

“Brangelina” are holding a contest to see where they should have their baby. It’s weird though, Doug thinks. They’ve already outsourced two of their children.

7:40 NEWS

Hollywood’s latest love triangle included Charlie Sheen, Denise Richards and an ex-rocker, Richie Sambora.

Tom Cruise turned up at the Mission: Impossible 3 World Premiere, despite his initial declaration that he would be unable to do so. Katie Holmes gave him the okay to leave the house and go to the premiere.

A producer on Maury Povich’s TV show has filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against the daytime talk show host, claiming that he barraged her with bad language and forced her to watch pornography.

Oprah Winfrey visited Julia Roberts in her home to console her after the slew of bad reviews that came out about her new play.

7:50 NUMBER ONE SPORTS

NBA.
Miami beat the Bulls last night.
Sacramento tries again against the Spurs tonight, but they’ll be hindered by the one-game suspension of Ron Artest.

NHL.
Anaheim Ducks play game two against Calgary tonight.

MLB.
Snakes won.
Giants won.
No homers for Barry Bonds.
Mariners won, breaking their opponents’ streak.
Athletics won in Texas.

8:06 DEAF FRAT GUY IN THE STUDIO

Maverick, aka Deaf Frat Guy, is on the program, and he’s all broken up about something. Adam asks, what exactly is wrong? Maverick says that Mike F. got hit by a car, and he can’t help but think that if he hadn’t called shotgun, Mike F. would not have a broken pelvis right now.

They were screwing around and doing a chinese fire drill. Mike F. was bent over tying his shoe, and got side-swiped by some dude from another frat driving by. It totally sucked.

8:09 AN IMPRESSION

Terry calls in to do an impression of Deaf Frat Guy. The gang thinks it’s pretty solid; it’s just too bad Maverick can’t hear it.

8:19 LIFE GUIDANCE WITH MAVERICK

Maverick is going to dispense some advice to callers.

A listener calls in from Long Beach. He needs to know what to get his wife for their anniversary. They’re going to Las Vegas. Maverick says that he should get her a buzz — they serve alcohol everywhere in Vegas. Or, he could spring for one of those new, more upscale kegerators.

Dante calls in. He wants to know how to get his brother to move out of his parents’ house. Maverick says, get him to go to college; it’s been the best five years of Maverick’s life. He’s too old for college, though. In that case, you can use a potato gun.

Danny comes on the line. He’s got a friend, and every time they’re having a party, this guy finds out and wants to go too. But afterwards, he always whizzes and vomits everywhere. Maverick doesn’t understand the problem. Adam tries to explain that kind of thing is considered out of line for most people.

Jeff wants to know what to do about his girlfriend. They are in a long distance relationship, and he decided to surprise her with a drop-in visit. He walked in and found her cheating on him in the dorm room. Maverick says that if you see her walking across the Quad or something, line her up with that potato gun, make sure she doesn’t see you and just let her have it. Pop in one of those blue potatos from South America, they leave a nice stain. If you want, you can cook the potato first for a really cool explosion. It won’t hurt as bad though.

8:45 THE JERK REPORT WITH DAVE

The guy who agreed to having a “Couple’s Baby Shower” — JERK.

Brusca, the chubby Lesbian, always yelling at everyone — JERK.

A listener calls in, Ryan, and he wants Dave to just shut up. Dave says he’s definitely made the Jerk Report.

The lady who gives the messages on your voicemail, the one that says “You have no new messages. Goodbye…” — JERK.

Osama Bin Laden — JERK.

And the Creep of the Week… Barry “The Creep” Bonds.

9:00 HENRY PHILLIPS IN STUDIO

Henry Phillips is on the program. He’s got a new CD, “Why Haven’t I Heard From You?“, available now. Adam points out that Henry was on the Dr. Demento show, which, to him, means legitimacy.

He’s going to play a song for us live in the studio.

9:30 JURON AND LARISSA’S DATE REPORT

Juron and Larissa went on their date last night, and now they’re back in the studio to update us all on how it went, and where it might be going. Apparently, Juron had been asking Larissa out for quite some time, but she just didn’t want to date him.

Her favorite line from last night was, by far, “Do we pay here, or at the front?” As if it was IHOP or something. When he first saw her, he proclaimed, “I guess I look okay, but you look magical.” And the classic, “I don’t sleep together on the first date.”

Larissa’s problem, though, is that women can find a man attractive, but still not be interested.

The final verdict is: she’s pretty sure she can go out with him again, but it’s not really going anywhere. Secretly, she’s attracted to Dave. Dave thinks maybe they’ll go to lunch next.

9:50 LARISSA RANKS THE GUYS

Larissa ranks the staff, starting at the bottom. Mike, because she doesn’t know him. Jimmy, just because. Phone Screener Bryan comes next. Then Gay Board Op Bill. Tad’s ahead of them. Then Adam, and finally, Dave.

9:52 I HEARD THAT

Dave’s wife calls in. She heard what he said about Larissa. That’s it, Dave says. Tomorrow — Jello wrestling match, fighting for Dave’s heart.

ADAM WITH MIKE BURBIGLIA, VINCENT PASTORE, FRANK VINCENT, ACE YOUNG, SAMANTHA DANIELS AND BILLY MOSES

ADAM WITH MIKE BURBIGLIA, VINCENT PASTORE, FRANK VINCENT, ACE YOUNG, SAMANTHA DANIELS AND BILLY MOSES — 5am to 10am PST, April 24, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 COSTCO

Jimmy and Adam went out to Costco on Sunday and picked up a gift for Dave. Adam knows Dave’s probably thinking “bulk”, but it’s totally not a “bulk” gift at all. Dave wouldn’t be able to tell that it came from Costco if they hadn’t told him.

Adam’s not sure what it is about Costco on a Sunday — there’s more people there than you would ever imagine. And everybody is buying these huge amounts of things. When they were checking out, some guy behind them in line had like three items. This guy had two dozen eggs and a cat pillow. Jimmy had hundreds and hundreds of things. Adam had way more.

6:05 CAN BRUSCA MAKE BILLY CRY?

Billy, the 17-year-old Assistant Webmaster of AdamCarolla.com, jumps in on the Costco story. Brusca jumps out of his skin a little — why are you jumping in? Teresa wonders if maybe Brusca can make Billy cry before the end of the day. Adam thinks it’s quite possible — they’ve got four hours to go.

6:08 BILLY’S PROM DATE

The prom is about three weeks away for Billy, and he needs a date. He’s got someone he is interested in — his older sister’s friend. Is she older as well, Adam asks? She’s 20. TWENTY?! That’s kindof a big leap from 17. She’s in junior college. Adam thinks, yeah, we got this. Brusca definitely doesn’t want to call her this early in the morning, though.

Adam asks Billy to excuse himself, so he can get back to his Costco story.

6:12 OPINIONS

If you give an opinion on something, you should be some sort of an authority on that subject, Adam feels. People with a crappy physique shouldn’t be giving you workout tips. People who live at home shouldn’t be giving you financial advice. The less money you have, though, it seems like the more tips you’ve got on getting ahead.

6:15 JUSTIN’S WIFE HATES PORN

Justin calls in. His wife hates porn, and she checks his history and busts on him it, like they were trying to do to Billy. Adam feels like women don’t understand that if you have a magical box in your house, that can stream all the porn of the world straight to you, that’s too big of a thing for a guy to resist.

Billy helps the guy find where to clear out his Internet history. Adam feels like “Tool” and “Cookie” would be great baby names, because then he’ll always remember these instructions.

6:28 MIKE BURBIGLIA IN STUDIO

Mike Burbiglia is on the program. He points out that the clip they played for his intro wasn’t from his new CD, or any of his CDs at all, but from some obscure act he did on Comedy Central.

Adam mentions Mike’s new “blog”, and asks how we might find it. It’s his “Secret Public Journal”, and he writes all his private thoughts there. He reads a little bit from it.

They start talking about missing flights to gigs. Adam tells a story of when he was trying to get on a flight to Florida, and Dr. Drew was already on the flight. Adam kept yelling that he wanted to talk to the “helpful guy from the commercial.” Mike says that whenever he flies with Middle Eastern people on the flight with him, everyone seems to have a “plan” for dealing with them.

People who do anything other than eat when they wake up just irritate Adam — they’re working out, or swimming laps, or maybe they’re stopping by the Children’s Hospital. He prefers the guy who gets up and cooks some ham, pours a little booze in his coffee, then drags his ass to work.

Mike says it terrifies him so much when he has to get up, that he’ll order tons of wake-up calls right near each other. He’s actually paid people to come to his room and wake him up before, because he was that scared. Adam thinks they need to come up with a feature at hotels that lets you snooze the wake-up call. If you just pick it up and hang it up real fast, they know to call back in a few minutes. They can call it the “Wake-Up Call Snooze Bar” and somehow combine it with the mini-bar. When he was in college, Mike put thumbtacks on his alarm clock so he wouldn’t just smack it with his hand. Definitely, Adam says — people love to play tricks on themselves, as if they are battling an evil twin. “I’ve got an alarm clock on the other side of the room, but in between, there’s a moat.”

His new album is Two Drink Mike, and he’s hoping people will either buy it, or steal it off of the Internet. He’s cool with both.

6:55 TERESA’S HOLLYWOOD HAPPENINGS

Denise Richards has reinstated her petition for divorce from Charlie Sheen, with quite the detailed list of complaints, the least of which include emailing pictures of his erect penis to prospective partners. When women make those very specific claims, it’s pretty obvious they are true, Adam says. It’s not like she just said “He’s a womanizer.”

Tom Cruise was noted in an interview saying that the birth of his child went exactly how he would’ve wanted it.

Silent Hill beat Scary Movie 4 with over $20m in the box office.

7:02 A READING FROM STAR JONES

Mike reads a little from the Star Jones autobiography, in the style of a black comedian imitating a white guy.

7:13 VINCENT PASTORE IN STUDIO

Vincent Pastore is on the program. He’s just started doing Celebrity Fit Club. Adam asks how much he’s lost so far. He just started the show. Seriously, he hasn’t lost anything yet. His goal is to lose about thirty pounds, though.

7:17 FRANK VINCENT ON THE PHONE

Frank Vincent, who plays Phil Leotardo on The Sopranos, is on the phone to do the Monday morning recap.

7:34 HOP ON THE SCALE

Vincent Pastore is hopping on the scale to weigh in before he goes on Celebrity Fit Club. When he gets done, he’ll come back on the show and weigh in again.

7:36 ACE YOUNG ON THE PHONE

Ace Young from American Idol is on the line. He’s out in New York doing press; he just got done performing live on Regis and Kelly. Adam thinks that Ace could probably do modeling, as opposed to just performing, now that he’s done with American Idol. Not that he judges dudes or anything. He describes some of Ace’s features. Ace stops him — you’re going too far.

The popularity has been insane, Ace says. From the plane to the baggage claim in New York, he had probably 2,000 people scream his name. Everybody from Grandmas to young kids seem to know who he is.

7:54 LANDON DONOVAN ON THE PHONE

Landon Donovan is on the phone. He’s a forward for the Los Angeles Galaxy soccer team. Adam talks about why Americans aren’t nearly as good at soccer as the rest of the world. It’s because we didn’t grow up on soccer.

They discuss the U.S.’s chances at this years Soccer World Cup in Germany.

8:10 NEWS

In an audio tape broadcast on the air yesterday, Osama Bin Laden accused the United States of supporting a Zionist war movement and called for a Muslim boycott of U.S. goods. Adam wants to know what they would do if they boycott our goods, considering they have no goods of their own. They would be goodless, Teresa postulates.

Ben n’ Jerry’s has apologized for naming an ice cream flavor “Black And Tan”.

Silent Hill was on the top of the box office this past weekend. Adam feels like that just proves that people are stupid. Angie confirms that it sucked. Sadly, American Dreamz was a tank, with $8 million.

8:20 SPORTS

Baseball is underway, you’ve got NBA playoffs, and NHL, too. It’s a great time to be a sports fan, Dave says.

NBA.
Lakers were beat by the Suns last night.
Clippers put down the Nuggets, they play again tonight.
Kings were shamed by the Spurs.

NHL.
Anaheim Ducks won last night.
San Jose Sharks beat the Predators.

MLB.
Barry Bonds hit his first home run of the season.
Dodgers beat the Snakes.

Petco Park has delicious hot dogs, and they’re huge, Dave says. Adam says that Dave is a big weenie fan. He’s definitely more into the gerth.

8:30 OZZIE’S MYSTERY QUOTE

Ozzie is going to read a movie quote, and then the listeners are going to call in and name the movie.

8:39 ALEX DOES A LINE

Alex calls in and guesses correctly: the line was from The Godfather.

8:40 “THE SENTINEL” REVIEWED

And now, Ozzie reviews the new Michael Douglas movie, “The Sentinel”. Adam hopes that this movie will get a lot of press, so the celebrity gossip shows will pick up on it, and maybe devote a little time to talk about her.

8:48 MARK THE POET ON THE LINE

Mark the Poet calls in with a poem about Adam’s twins. Adam actually likes it — he says it’s very solid.

8:58 SOME BABY NAMES

A listener calls in with a couple baby names, keeping the middle name “Hollywood” in mind. North and West. Nice, Adam says. North Hollywood Carolla, and West Hollywood Carolla. West for the boy, especially if he’s gay. And, even better, you can give them the short names NoHo and WeHo.

9:00 BILLY MOSES IN THE STUDIO

Billy, the Assistant Webmaster, is back in the studio. He wants Adam to hook him up with Kim, his sister’s older friend. They get Kim on the line. She’s known him since middle school, she says. She wants to point out that she’s only 19, not 20.

Adam breaks the ice — Billy wants to go to prom with her. He sheepishly asks her. She says yes! Dave asks if there’s a chance for romance. She says no! He’s her best friends sister! Dave feels like her tune will change when Billy shows her a great time.

Overall, Adam just feels like this “Kim” isn’t interested. He tells her he’s going to have to veto this, even though Billy is interested, and Kim says she’ll do it. If Kim doesn’t really have any interest, and she just wants to go to prom to dance and have fun, Billy should just skip it. Kim is flabbergasted. She’s got to like, be in love with Billy or something? Unfortunately, Adam is sorry, but he just can’t let it happen. During the segment, apparently Billy wrote down on a steno pad and slid over to Adam that he was “too good for her”, and that he is in fact, a “ramblin’ man.” She asks what exactly a ramblin’ man is. It’s a sad day, Adam says.

Kim says she’s going to go cut herself. Teresa asks, “just to feel?”

9:20 THE ED CALLS IN

Ed Miller, aka The Ed, is on the program. He’s calling in from Las Vegas to do the Desperate Housewives update. Unfortunately, it wasn’t a new episode last night!

9:25 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:34 SPORTS…?

Dave’s theme song comes on, but Brusca cuts him off and says they have to go to break!

9:43 SAMANTHA DANIELS IN THE STUDIO

Samantha Daniels is on the program. She’s a celebrity matchmaker, but unfortunately she can’t reveal any of her clients. A lot of these celebrities will go on talk shows and they’ll say that they sit home alone on Friday night, because even though they are famous, they can’t “meet” anyone.

Samantha gives some tips to Juron and Larissa, who are going out on a date tonight.

ADAM AND JIMMY KIMMEL, LEANN RIMES, PAUL WEITZ, JESSIE JANE, KIRSTEN PRICE, BILLY MOSES, AND BILLY’S MOM

ADAM AND JIMMY KIMMEL, LEANN RIMES, PAUL WEITZ, JESSIE JANE, KIRSTEN PRICE, BILLY MOSES, AND BILLY’S MOM – April 21, 2006 – 5am to 10am, PST

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 COMPLAINING

Adam says that complaining is like the book “Fast Food Nation.” Once you have knowledge, you can’t go back to what previously was. Adam feels that he’s a little more dialed into what’s going on around him, and that enables him to complain about most anything and be miserable – it’s like he has a rare superpower to see the bad in anything.

6:04 WEEKENDS

Before the pregnancy, Adam says that his wife was able to sleep 8 hours a day without a problem. Now, during the pregnancy, she can sleep sixteen hours a day without a problem. So his weekends are now used to catch up on sleep he missed during the week because of her odd schedule.

6:06 TESTICLES

Adam likes that testicles are all grotesque looking and he shares something in common with the Brad Pitts of the world – their testicles are equally disgusting. It doesn’t matter who you are; testicles are ugly.

6:08 EMPLOYEES

There are a lot of people who don’t know how to be good employees. Adam says that big Tad is one of these people who never mastered the political part of work. He’s quietly defiant.

Adam wants Big Tad to start answering with “Yes sir” and “No sir” for a few months and see how that works out for him. Adam tells Big Tad that he could easily be doing what Brusca is doing because of his experience in radio and showbiz, but he hasn’t learned to keep his mouth shut at all. Adam says that this should be a lesson to everyone – you need to learn who feeds you and stop biting that hand.

Dave thinks that Big Tad should play some “Ass Kiss Rodeo” with Brusca to make up for the insubordination.

6:26 CALLER ROB

Rob calls in with a comment and says that you get to a point with certain people where you simply don’t have respect for someone anymore.

Adam tells Big Tad that he has three choices: you can be really good, people must like to be around you, or you have to work hard on the ladder. Also, whenever the boss man comes into the room, you have to act like a cop has just pulled you over. His job, when he runs into a superior, is to ask how he can help them.

6:30 CALLER MICKEY

Mickey calls in and says that Brusca is a crybaby who takes things too seriously and needs to lighten up. He brings too many of his problems at work on air, and it makes him sound like a baby. Brusca says that he doesn’t look to bring problems on the air, nor does he try to – but he can’t control what the crew talks about.

Adam says that Brusca comes from a part of the world where respect means a lot, i.e., back east. And all Brusca wants is respect. Brusca tells Adam that the respects issue is only that he’s no one’s whipping boy.

6:50 WHAT CAN’T ADAM COMPLAIN ABOUT

Adam plays an early round of “What Can’t Adam Complain About.”

7:08 BILLY MOSES

Billy, a seventeen-year-old web assistant, is in the studio. He’s a huge fan of Adam’s. He mentions that there’s a chat room on adamcarolla.com for the fans of the show to meet and chat. Dave adds that there’s a way to get tickets for the event with Christian the Comedian at the Improv and a way to have Adam get you a prom date.

Adam asks Billy if he has a prom date. Billy tells him no because he doesn’t have time to go to the prom. Adam says he’ll hook him up with a date.

7:13 THE NEWS

Theresa reads the news.

A screaming protestor accosted President Bush and President Hu Jinato.

Julia Roberts made her Broadway debut this week.

Donald Trump was asked by Entertainment Tonight to give some advice to Tom Cruise on being a new dad.

7:25 THE SPORTS

DAVE reports the sports.

UCLA Brewins lost two players to the pros.

Dodgers take the day off.

Terrible news in baseball Derrick Lee is out for two months due to a broken wrist.

Stanley Cup Playoffs begin tonight.

7:40 PAUL WEITZ IN STUDIO

Paul Weitz is best known for directing “American Pie.” His new film, “American Dreamz,” opens today. The movie is a parody of “American Idol” and stars Hugh Grant, Dennis Quaid, and Mandy Moore.

Adam asks how you find song and dance guys from the Middle East, which are featured in the movie. Paul tells him that casting is like playing Russian roulette when you ‘re not casting stars, so a lot of the casting process comes down to the audition.

7:54 MORE WITH PAUL WEITZ

Adam plays a clip from “American Dreamz.”

7:57 MOVIE PITCHES

Adam pitches some movie ideas to Paul.

His first idea: “The Spotter.” The story of a man who spots for collegiate cheerleaders. Unfortunately, Paul says that this is an idea that he’s already developing. He tells Adam that his heart was sinking when he was listening to the idea. Adam wants to know how long he’s had the idea. Paul tells him that he would need to talk to his lawyers, but Paul’s idea is called “Pyramid of Hope.”

8:12 JIMMY KIMMEL IN STUDIO

Jimmy is in the studio with Adam. Jimmy tells Adam that he has a lot of things on his mind, and because of that he gets lost every now and then.

8:13 LEANN RIMES ON PHONE

Leann Rimes calls into the show. She’s a country music artist who isn’t a huge American Idol fan. Adam comments that when Leann was twelve-years-old, she could out-sing most of the people on American Idol.

Leann is going to be on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno tonight.

Jimmy says that Leann is a very nice person, and it’s unusual when a young performer matures well and maintains a great attitude and career. Leann comments that it usually adds to crazy people and drug addicts. She says she avoided the pitfalls by enduring them and having her parents help her.

Leann is selling coins dedicated to American Heroes. The proceeds go to help wounded veterans make their way back into society. http://www.saluteheroes.org.

8:31 MORE WITH JIMMY KIMMEL

Jimmy Kimmel will have Regis on Jimmy Kimmel Live tonight.

Jimmy claims that he can identify any song within hearing 30 seconds of it. He says that the information takes up so much space in his brain that the useful information he could use won’t be saved.

In a few weeks, Jimmy will take on Michael Rosenbaum with a showdown of 80s music trivia.

Right now, Big Tad and Jimmy play some 80s music trivia.

8:42 RYAN THE SECURITY GUARD

Ryan, an ex-security guard for “Win Ben Stein’s Money,” calls into the show. He just wanted to ask Jimmy “How’s it going?”

Jimmy says, “Oh yeah. You guys never let me in.”

8:45 OCCUPIED

Dave told Jimmy that Adam has been hanging out with another talk show host. Namely, Jay Leno.

Jimmy is very upset and wounded.

8:54 MORE WITH JIMMY KIMMEL

Adam tells Jimmy that he did see leno over the weekend. He spent some time at jay Leno’s warehouses to look at the cars. Jimmy tells him that that’s nice. He wants Adam to have fun.

8:57 JESSIE JANE AND KIRSTEN PRICE IN STUDIO

Jessie Jane and Kirstin from Night Calls on Playboy Television are in the studio. Adam says that the girls can’t show their breasts because Billy is underage. They say they’ll blindfold Billy or make big Tad stand in front of him so he can’t see anything. No one wants to get arrested.

9:07 MORE WITH JESSIE JANE, KIRSTEN PRICE, JIMMY KIMMEL

Billy is blindfolded in the studio. He’s listening to the women in the studio, and they think it must be like torture.

Kirsten and Jessie play 80s trivia with Big Tad.

9:30 JAMES LIGHTS OUT TONEY

James Toney gives relationship advice in only the way he can.

9:31 MORE WITH JIMMY KIMMEL

Jimmy comments that Billy’s mom called moments after the segment ended to make sure he was okay. Katherine, Billy’s mom, calls into the show to ask if Adam’s been corrupting her son.

Katherine says that she wouldn’t have had a problem if he had seen the girls naked in the studio. Adam tells Katherine that he doesn’t seem to have much of a personal life with girls.

Adam and Jimmy tell Katherine to do a treasure hunt in Billy’s room. If she can find his porn in his bedroom, she’ll get a certificate for Overstock.com.

9:38 THE NEWS

Theresa recaps the news.

9:42 THE SPORTS

Dave recaps the sports.

Adam adds a $100 gift certificate to Hooters the pot if Katherine manages to find Billy’s porn stash.

9:53 THE PORN SEARCH

Jimmy instructs Katherine how to log into Billy’s computer. He tells her to press and and that will let her look at the computer’s history. He tells her next to go to click and press .

She can see all of his pictures. Most of them are Adam Carolla. An American flag. Pictures of his sister. But no porn.

Adam says he’s firing Billy for not having porn on the computer.

ADAM WITH GREG FITZSIMMONS, SABINA THE OVERSTOCK.COM GIRL, DICK CAVETT AND TORI SPELLING

ADAM WITH GREG FITZSIMMONS, SABINA THE OVERSTOCK.COM GIRL, DICK CAVETT AND TORI SPELLING – 5am to 10am PST, April 20, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 ATTAINABLE?

Adam mentions that the Overstock.com girl is going to be in the studio today. For some reason, that girl in the commercial seems sort of “special,” like she’s somehow attainable.

6:08 A TECHNICALITY

These same women, like cheerleaders and girls in bikinis, that would never allow us to see them in their underwear, will let us see it in these particular situations, like when they are cheering, or on the beach. Dave says this lets guys win on a technicality.

Teresa figures that since Adam was a football player in high school, he must’ve dated some cheerleaders. No, not really, Adam says. That whole idea of how it must be in high school was invented in the Fifties, and it’s pretty much stuck around. But it’s not really the case.

6:22 COLLEGE

The problem with not going to college is this, Adam says. If you’re doing something fun after high school, like, if he’d been working in radio back then, when all of his college friends were partying, he could say “You’re having your fun, I’m having mine too.” But he didn’t go to college, and he didn’t have a cool job. So that means, while everybody else was off partying and living the frat lifestyle, he was out cleaning carpets and such.

6:24 A MALE CHEERLEADER

A listener calls in. He was actually a male cheerleader when he was in school, so he got to look up the cheerleaders skirts all the time. He went to cheerleading camp, too – 800 girls, 12 guys. Dave says this man is an absolute genius.

6:28 BAD TIP

Another listener calls in. His friend drove Usher around in a limo in Vegas for 8 hours yesterday, and tipped twenty dollars. On the other hand, Sandra Bullock was driven around all day, and it was a fully comped ride, and she tipped $200. THEN, she apologized that it wasn’t enough! Dave says Usher just made the Jerk Report.

6:38 GREG FITZSIMMONS IN THE STUDIO

Greg Fitzsimmons, a comedian, is on the program. He’ll be at the Hollywood Improv on Friday. He recently hosted the AVN awards, which are basically porn awards that are held in Vegas. A lot of people think there’s a lot of sex going on at those, but no. The whores at those places are only there promoting their DVDs.

The topic of circumcision comes up. Greg is definitely opposed to it, and refuses to get his kids circumcised. Adam feels like it’s important to do it. They go around and around about it, but ultimately, Adam says Greg needs to lock horns with Dr. Drew about this issue. He feels very strongly about it.

7:08 DEAF FRAT GUY IN THE STUDIO

Deaf Frat Guy joins the program. He’s going to be doing the Lottery Report.

7:09 HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS WITH GREG

This is a hypothetical car ride across the country, from Los Angeles to New York. There’s no wrong answers here.

The redundant cop that repeats everything constantly, or Felicia Reshod? Greg asks, Route 70 or Route 80? It’s definitely Route 70. Greg says Felicia. That’s not correct. You definitely want the cop, so he can talks to other cops for you.

The guy who wears clogs, then states they are comfortable, or the dog lover guy? He says the dog guy. That’s not correct.

High school gym teacher, or high school drama teacher? Greg says the drama teacher. That’s incorrect, too. Sorry.

7:14 NEWS

President Bush remains unmoved by demands for the resignation of his Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld.

Nick Lachey is claiming that he wishes he had just walked in on Jessica Simpson with another man, to remove all of the speculation.

A woman in El Salvador attempted to smuggle a grenade into a prison in her “girl parts.”

Katie Holmes gave birth right down the hall from Brooke Shields.

7:26 DEAF FRAT GUY’S NUMBER ONE SPORTS

Adam announces that Deaf Frat Guy is going to be doing the sports today.

7:45 THE TOP LISTS

These world’s sexiest women lists always seem to include women who just aren’t hot, Adam thinks. For example, a lot of these lists like to include “Princess Diana”. What? Nobody thinks she’s hot. Only gay guys think she’s hot.

Deaf Frat Guy points out that a lot of the chicks on this list are three beer chicks. Some of them, seven beer chicks. But the Overstock.com girl? One beer.

A listener calls in. The Overstock.com chick is hot and all, but she’s not as hot as the Hyundai girl. They take a few more calls from different listeners saying who they think is the hottest commercial chick.

8:00 SABINA, THE OVERSTOCK DOT COM GIRL

Sabina from the Overstock.com commercial is in the studio. Adam tells Dave that since they replaced him on sports, they’ll let him do the interview.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work out. Adam takes back over and asks Sabina what originally brought her to Los Angeles. She’s from Germany, and she moved to LA to become an actress. Now, she’s pretty much doing commercials exclusively.

8:17 SWAP DAVE OUT

A listener calls in – swap Dave with Deaf Frat Guy. He thinks he can get a petition together to replace Dave. Adam hates to disappoint, but Dave is an integral part of the show and he’s not going anywhere.

8:19 A RE-ENACTMENT

Since Sabina aspires to act, her and Deaf Frat Guy decide to re-enact a scene from When Harry Met Sally.

8:32 DEAF FRAT GUY, THERAPIST EXTRAORDINAIRE

A listener calls in with an idea – the Deaf Frat Guy should become a therapist. After some doubt, Adam decides, hey, let’s try this out. They give him a few scenarios and he talks through them.

The first scenario – noisy upstairs neighbors. Use a potato gun, dude. The next few scenarios all seem to have the same answer – potato gun. Finally, a tough one. Someone’s wife has developed ovarian cysts. How should Adam deal with that? Simple – a potato gun.

You definitely need to lube up the potato gun with Pam, Deaf Frat Guy says. Not that off brand stuff. It makes a huge difference.

8:52 DICK CAVETT IN THE STUDIO

Dick Cavett is on the program. He’s got a new one hour special coming out along with Mel Brooks; it’s going to be airing on Turner Classic Movies. They’ve purchased about eight of his old shows. Adam asks when he first interviewed Mel Brooks on the Dick Cavett Show. Dick says he knew he’d ask that – it had to be between ’68 and ’75.

Adam asks how old Dick is. He says he’s 79 – the crew can’t believe that. He jokes, “oh no, I convinced him! Lead me to a cliff!”

Last night when he did Jimmy Kimmel Live, he was chewing gum back stage, and inadvertently ended up doing the show while chewing it. It wasn’t until Eva Longoria pointed it out that he remembered. So of course, he pulled it out of his mouth and stuck it to the table.

9:14 LIFT DICK CAVETT

Dick says that he can actually, with his mind, change his weight. He can make it so that someone can lift him, then make it to where they cannot. Adam doesn’t believe it – he wants to lift Dick Cavett for himself.

He gives it a shot. Dave does a play by play. It works out pretty much like Dick said it would. And on top of that, he says, it makes for great radio.

9:29 TORI SPELLING IN THE STUDIO

Tori Spelling is on the program. You can catch Tori on the new show “So noTORIous“. Adam wants to know all about the Spelling home. It’s like 54,000 square feet. Adam points out that the average house is around 2,000 square feet. If you ever find yourself at a house that’s 8 to 10, 000 square feet, you think, wow, this is a really big place.

Her new show really pokes fun at herself a lot, Teresa says. Tori says she figured if people wanted to make fun of her, and if that’s what the public wants, she might as well do it and capitalize it.

Tori’s boyfriend Dean enters the studio. He’s got a tattoo of “Truly Madly Deeply Tori” on his wrist, and elsewhere on his body, he has a picture of her. Adam says he’s definitely in trouble if things ever go south in that relationship. Tori doesn’t have any tattoos for Dean yet, but the key word is yet. She’s contemplating a tattoo on the neck. That’s a cop-out, Adam thinks. Everybody knows you can just let your hair down to cover that one up.

Now that Tori’s making fun of herself, everybody seems to be lightening up on her, Adam says. Tori says, yeah, now people are saying “Wow, she’s actually sort-of funny.”

So NoTORIous airs Sundays at 11:30pm.

ADAM WITH DIORA BAIRD, LISA LAMPONELLI AND DOUG BENSON

ADAM WITH DIORA BAIRD, LISA LAMPONELLI AND DOUG BENSON – 5am to 10am PST, April 19, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 PRAISE

Adam doesn’t give a lot of praise, he says. He gets it from his family. Some things are “No Duh”, like not killing people, but other things, you learn. When holidays like Easter roll around, his family doesn’t do anything. Nothing. That’s it. It’s learned behavior. His family wasn’t big on praise, so now, he’s not too big on praise.

He does try hard to not be a dick, though.

6:06 GUYS AT A BABY SHOWER

Dave has somehow gotten roped into going along to a baby shower. Apparently, someone had the brilliant idea of bringing guys along to the thing. The problem isn’t the women inviting the guys, though. The problem is the first guy to agree. Once the first guy agrees, every other guy who doesn’t agree is being a dick.

6:09 BABY NAMES

A listener calls up with some baby names. Richard Carolla, so you can call him Dickie.

6:11 PRIVATE TIME

Another listener calls in – he’s got a problem with Adam. He was thumbing through Playboy, having a little “private time”, and all the sudden, he sees a picture of Adam and a Playboy model down in the corner. And it totally ruined his “private time.” Adam says that’s one of the juggies from the fourth season of The Man Show.

6:14 ITS ALL ABOUT HER

Their last day of taping the Man Show, it was a very emotional time for everybody, because they really were like a family. And this girl decided to be one of those people that makes the day all about them. She had some crazy issue, and locked herself in her dressing room, and refused to come out. They actually had to hold up the start of the taping and try to coax her out.

Adam really hates that – don’t make it all about you, when you’re new to the crew, and we’re all out here trying not to cry. It’s not about you.

Dave brings up that she was the one who tried to sleep with his wife. She actually approached his wife and asked her. His wife said, no no, I’m not bi-sexual, and plus, I’m with him. She looked at Dave and said “You’re with that loser?” Adam laughs – no way she actually said that. Oh yes, Dave says. It’s cool though. She’s probably one of those girls who claims to be into smart, funny guys, but then when you see her boyfriend, he’s ripped and orange from being so tan. Turns out he sells cars, but he’s developing his own energy drink, so she thinks he’s a genius.

6:19 SLOUCH

Adam tells Brusca to make a note that he needs to start his own energy drink, called Slouch. His marketing campaign will be – do you know how good our drink must be, for us to call it this?

6:30 CHRISTIAN THE 13-YEAR-OLD COMEDIAN

Christian is on the line with Jeff Ross to do a little of his act for the crew.

6:52 THE UGLIEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD

Teresa reads from the Boston Phoenix’s recently released list of the world’s unsexiest men. Number one: Gilbert Gottfried. Adam is offended. That’s who he gets mistaken for the most. It’s like a proxy slap in the face.

6:58 HOW TO BUILD A HOUSE

Adam says they’ve got two callers – one of them thinks Teresa is doing a great job, and the other wants to know how to build a house. He decides to take that one.

7:10 THE FOX REPORT

Of course, Dave’s number one fox is his lovely wife. Next – Kate Beckinsale. Ooh lah lah.

Then, Grace Kelly in Rear Window. The most beautiful woman of all time in that picture.

And then his next one, the Laker Girls. They’re perpetually 25.

MSNBC’s news ladies. All of them! They’re all foxy! Adam says he doesn’t even know their names.

Or, how about the lady in the Overstock.com commercial.

And his last one – Kelly Ripa. Adam feels like she’s a little underweight, though.

7:17 NEWS

Yesterday a New York senator called for an investigation into whether oil companies are purposely withholding supplies to boost prices. Adam feels like they should just jack the price of gas up to $7. We want people to carpool, and we want them to drive smaller, more efficient cars, we want them to do all these things, but there is no incentive. What’s in it for us? We need to provide incentive. The incentive will be $7/gal. gas.

Katie Holmes had her baby yesterday.

7:28 MISS OVERSTOCK DOT COM HERSELF

They’ve managed to get the woman from the Overstock.com commercial on the phone. Adam wants to know how she got the gig. They saw her in other commercials and liked her. She used to model, but now she exclusively does commercials in Los Angeles.

7:43 DIORA BAIRD IN THE STUDIO

Diora Baird, Playboy bunny, is on the program. She moved out to Los Angeles to pursue modeling a long time ago, and she recently appeared in the movie Wedding Crashers.

She’s a 32DD. That’s definitely what you want, Adam says. You want the low first number, and the high cup size. You hear guys say things like, oh, she’s a 42D. You don’t want that.

A breast reduction is something she’s thought about doing before, she says. Adam says that to her, and to all the other beautiful, large-breasted models out there who are considering that… Adam lost half his family to a breast reduction. Conversely, breast augmentation will add ten years to your life.

7:57 SOME FREE ADVICE

James “Lights Out” Toney gives a little advice on a neighbor’s kid spying on some skinny dipping escapades.

8:00 MORE WITH DIORA

Back in the day, she’s dressed up as children’s characters for work. She’s played various Disney characters, and Dora the Explorer.

Diora is in the new movie Hot Tamale. She describes it as Napoleon Dynamite, but more crime centric, and sexed up quite a bit.

8:16 LARISSA THE INTERN

Larissa the 20 year old intern is in the studio. She’s going to be doing a little karaoke song.

The crew works on getting Jaron hooked up with Larissa. Apparently, Jaron has been trying to get her to come out, and she hasn’t been particularly receptive.

8:39 LISA LAMPONELLI IN THE STUDIO

Lisa Lamponelli is back in the studio. She’s been on the program before, but Adam says they wanted to have her back on because she was so fun last time. She shows off a little bit – she’s lost 17 pounds on the Jenny Craig diet. She yells at Dave for checking her out; it’s not like she’s at her target weight yet.

8:59 GAY, STRAIGHT OR DEAD?

Adam’s going to give Lisa a celebrity name, and she has to decide if the person is gay, straight, or if they’ve passed away.

Richard Dawson – Lisa says he’s dead. That’s incorrect, Adam says. He’s very much alive.

Charles Nelson Riley – Gay and Alive.

Earnest Borgnine – He’s alive, she guessed dead.

Mel Torme – Dead. Correct.

Richard Simmons – She says gay. They talked to his publicist, he’s straight as an arrow.

Tom Bosley – She says straight. That’s correct!

Dom Deluise – She says gay. No, he’s alive, and straight.

Roddy McDowell – He’s dead, she says. Correct.

Johnny Mathis – She says straight. No! Gay!

Harry Morgan – She says he’s gotta be dead. No, straight.

Christie MacNicol – She says “gotta be lickin’ it.” Definitely.

9:08 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:39 DOUG BENSON IN STUDIO

Doug Benson, the comedian, is on the program. He’s probably best known for his appearances on the show “Best Week Ever” on VH1. Adam’s not sure what exactly it is about that show, but he can never switch away when he stumbles onto it.

Those anti-marijuana ads are irritating, Doug thinks. For one, when is the last time someone put a stoner in charge of their kids?

Adam asks where the time has gone; Doug sucked up all the time! Doug says he wants to get through this day, because tomorrow is 4/20.

ADAM WITH CLIFF YOUNG, BUCKY COVINGTON, PHIL HENDRIE, ANDREA LOWELL AND BILLY MOSES

ADAM WITH CLIFF YOUNG, BUCKY COVINGTON, PHIL HENDRIE, ANDREA LOWELL AND BILLY MOSES – 5am to 10am PST, April 18, 2006

Call 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 EARTHQUAKES

It’s the anniversary of the Great 1906 San Francisco Earthquake. Adam thinks they definitely need to recalibrate that Richter scale thing, though. You always hear, “a 7.5 earthquake, we’ll be fine. But an 8.5, we’d all be dead.” It’s exponential, Teresa says. That’s too complicated, Adam thinks. Why can’t we just make the next one, be the next one? Does it have to be exponential?

Regardless, they decided to have a “moment of silence” at the ceremony they were showing. And sure enough, during the silence, some old man let out a huge cough. What’s up with the moment of silence where that one guy has to make noise? It always happens that way, Adam says.

After doing earthquake rehab on homes back in the day, Adam can tell everybody that your biggest enemy in one of these things is masonry. If you live in just a traditional house with no crazy concrete parking structures or special concrete whatever, just plywood and drywall, you should be fine.

Back in the day, when a large earthquake hit town, Adam had a girlfriend who’s apartment got destroyed, and the girl had to move in with him. Not only that, but her mom is already booked to fly out for vacation. Adam’s barely working as a carpenter, so he really can’t afford it, and not only that, but they really aren’t close enough to be living together. It’s more like, let’s crash. He’s got no nestegg, and her work is closed due to the earthquake. On top of all that, her car blew a head gasket. So, essentially, she’s trapped.

Then, a few days before the mom arrives, he breaks out into some freaky, bizarre disease. He’s got these festering lesions all over his face, and horrible fevers associated with them. So of course, her mom goes off on him as soon as she hits the door. She’s got no rental car, his girlfriend had no car, and none of them can escape.

Of course, eventually the mom leaves, the girlfriend and him break up, and a month or so later, he was on the radio. The rest is history.

6:40 CLIFF YOUNG IN THE STUDIO

Cliff is the owner of Inland Empire Coffee, the supplier of all the coffee they drink in the studio. Unfortunately, he’s fallen on hard times, as his wife has developed several brain tumors, and the medical bills are piling up. They’ve had to sell their house, just to help pay for bills.

Please go to http://www.iecoffee.com.

Adam points out that Cliff isn’t asking for your charity – he’s just asking for people to buy his coffee. You’re going to buy coffee anyway, right? The big conglomerates don’t need your money. Give it to a local company instead, and at the same time, it goes to a good cause.

6:54 DAVE’S COFFEE NAMES LIST

Dave’s got a list of the best coffee names.

Mochacino!

Joe.

Caramel Macchiato.

Chai Latte.

And the #1 ranked most fun coffee name to say: Café Ole!

7:05 TONY NEEDS TO TALK TO DAVE

Tony calls in. Dave is outrageous, giving that list without a discernible winner. He recaps the list.

7:06 BUCKY COVINGTON ON THE PHONE

Bucky calls in. He’s recently been voted off of American Idol. Adam says it’s good that he stuck around long enough to get on to the American Idol Tour, though.

He talks a little bit about the story of Bucky secretly switching with his twin brother. Long story short: it’s not true. If they were looking for dirt on Bucky, and that’s the best they could come up with, they weren’t looking hard enough.

7:19 THE DOGS

A listener calls in – she’s got dogs named after her favorite Starbucks drinks.

7:31 A LITTLE ADVICE

James “Lights Out” Toney dispenses a little advice on how to deal with a mentally unbalanced boyfriend.

7:33 STOP CHEWING ON STUFF!

Adam is holding in his hand a pen, that some employee of KLSX has seen fit to pick up, chew the end of, then put it back. He begs everyone, would you stop chewing up public things? Please! If you’re going to chew the end of a damn pen, it becomes yours. It’s YOUR PEN NOW. Take it the hell with you!

Brusca looks like he eats pens, Adam says. Brusca is thrown – was it me? Oh yeah, it was Brusca, Adam says. These pens have all been chewed up. Dave says it’s a filthy habit.

7:37 NEWS

Pro-Immigration activists are calling the next rally the Great American Boycott.

During the last Pro-Immigration rally, an elementary school in Inglewood locked down so hard that they forced the students to go to the bathroom in buckets.

A mother confronted a neighbor who allegedly sexually abused her 7 year old son, but reportedly accepted $600 to let the neighbor molest her son again.

8:02 PHIL HENDRIE IN THE STUDIO

Phil says he needs to apologize to Jimmy Kimmel, live on the air – he had said that Crank Yankers was a rip off, and he feels like crap about it, and he’s sorry.

One day, Adam was in the car listening to Phil Hendrie’s show, and one of his characters was doing a top ten list of favorite TV shows. One of the shows on the list was The Man Show, and they got into an argument about its’ inclusion. Adam decided he’d call in and “side” with the character. The phone screener said “Hey, how do I know you’re really Adam Carolla? How do I know you’re not just some yahoo?” Adam said he’d never felt better in his life. Someone would bother to impersonate him? He paused for about five seconds, and then said “Look, just don’t screw me. I’m putting ya’ through.”

So, that guy didn’t have any Adam Carolla trivia.

8:20 SOME CALLERS

Some fans of Phil Hendrie call in to riff with him and praise his radio show.

8:26 SOME BABY NAMES

Phil’s got some baby names. For the boy, Maurice. Maurice Hollywood Carolla. And for the girl, Sandi, or Gidget. Gidget Hollywood Carolla.

8:41 A READING FROM STAR JONES’ BOOK

Phil Hendrie is going to read from Star Jones’ “Shine.”

9:00 ANDREA LOWELL IN THE STUDIO

Andrea Lowell from The Surreal Life 6 is in the studio. She’s also a former Playboy playmate. Dave asks, former? Never going back? She says no, probably not. She only did the special edition type stuff anyway.

One of the other housemates, Alexis, has since undergone a sex change operation. Apparently, before he went through with it, he offered to let Andrea “use it before it’s gone.” Dave wants to know if she took him up on that. Sadly, no. It’s really not her thing.

It seems like Alexis wouldn’t be her/his real name. He claims that was his birth name, though. Adam’s thinking that was definitely Alex. If you’re going to get a sex change, you should get a new name. He’s pretty sure your family will appreciate that, too.

Adam thinks it’s hilarious that now we’ve reduced it to some sort of medical condition. It’s like an “affliction”, having a woman trapped in a man’s body, and we’ve got to fix the problem. He’d argue that if you’re a man and you think you’re a woman, you’re crazy. If you’re a man who wants to lob his penis off, you’re really crazy.

9:30 LIMERICK TIME

Mike August the Booker and Big Tad have written limericks for Andrea, and they’re going to read them for her now.

When Mike reads his limerick, they quickly realize that he didn’t write anything. Adam asked him over the break if he had one ready, and he just pointed to his head. It’s all up there. In the steel trap. Andrea says that’s where all Mike’s sex takes place, too.

9:45 BILLY MOSES IN THE STUDIO

Billy Moses, who works on the Adam Carolla website, is on the program. Adam ran into him in the bathroom and realized he was a huge fan, so they brought him on in, since Adam likes to surround himself with people who love him.

You can find Billy’s handiwork at the Adam Carolla Message Board, as well as the Adam Carolla MySpace page.

ADAM WITH FRANK VINCENT, RICHARD MARTIN, OSWALDO, DICKY BARRET

ADAM WITH FRANK VINCENT, RICHARD MARTIN, OSWALDO, DICKY BARRET– 5am to 10am PST, April 17th, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 LAZY EASTER

It’s good to be a Carolla, Adam says. While everyone else was getting all gussied up to carve up a ham and have a nice dinner, Adam was putzing around in his underwear, and Ozzie came over to cook up some lobster and shrimp. Incidentally, Adam’s wife Lynette asked, “You’ve known Ozzie for 16 years, and he doesn’t know you don’t like lobster and shrimp?” Nah, Adam says. It’s not something guys know. Dave says it’s quite the stretch to expect your friends to know that. Most guys fathers don’t even know that sort of thing.

6:05 VH1

Adam saw Teresa Strasser on VH1 over the weekend. He’s pretty sure that if you watch VH1 on the weekend, you’ll eventually see everybody you’ve ever met. These guys have obviously decided that they don’t have big money; they’ve got basic cable money. They can’t bring in your Jennifer Anistons, or any other A-list celebrities.

6:13 BABY NAME

JT calls in with a baby name: Rock Carolla.

6:27 FRANK VINCENT ON THE PHONE

Frank calls in for the Monday morning Sopranos update.

Dave wants to know just how much of the “gangster dialect” is tacked on. There’s no tack-ons, Frank says. It’s all gotta be right there on the paper.

The fact that one of the characters’ fathers is played by the actor’s real father just proves that anybody can be an actor, Adam says. It’s not like you can say, hey, the guy flying the plane is a guy who draws pictures of planes.

6:50 RICHARD MARTIN IN STUDIO

Richard thinks it’s cool that someone did a theme song for his segment, but he wishes they hadn’t used such distorted instruments. Adam says that he’s sure Richard thinks of that song as acid rock, but to the rest of us, it’s more of a finger-popping ditty.

Adam wants to know Richard’s opinion on the whole Donald Rumsfeld situation. People are calling for him to step down, again. Richard doesn’t even want to hear it. Don’s the best Secretary of Defense we’ve ever had.

6:56 BABY NAMES FROM RICHARD

Richard has a few baby names for Adam. Joseph and Mary. George and Laura. Ron and Nancy. Lord and Lady.

Adam feels like Lord Hollywood Carolla would be great.

7:07 HOBOPOWER

Dave’s got a hobopower story to kick things off. They were out in Lake Tahoe at a cabin. Adam was sharing a room with his friend who not only sleeps naked, but had ringworm at the time. However, Dave had to share a room with Cousin Sal and the brothers Kimmel – John and Jimmy. And all three of them had horrific gas. People were just collapsing from the smell when the door opened. Adam agrees – a hot wind would blow from that room.

Adam will give that high twenties, low thirties.

A listener calls in with another one. They’re in Downtown Vegas. There’s a guy missing in this building, and they didn’t know the maintenance guy had killed him. The caller is there, and the maintenance guy had moved out. They ripped up the carpet and noticed there was a new concrete slab poured. They drilled out a hole, and find the body liquefied down under the new slab.

Adam gives that a 35.

Another listener calls in. His unit was in Iraq, and it felt like it was 2,000 degrees out. It was just so hot. They stumble onto this shack, and before they even got up to it, when they were a hundred yards from it, three of the guys just threw up. So they finally walk in, and they step into this brown ooze. There were three liquefied bodies in there, and they’d been beheaded. Adam asks how hot was it, really? It was over 120 degrees out. They had to burn the shack down, and burn their boots, as well.

He’s got to give that a 71.

Dante from the porn store in West Hollywood has a story. There was this customer that looked like a cross between Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima. He would come in smelling like the oldest fried chicken you’ve ever smelled, wrapped in a wet towel. He looked homeless, but sometimes he would just whip out a ton of cash. Other days, his credit card would be declined for like two bucks.

7:33 RICH OR POOR?

There’s certain things you can have where it means that you’re either filthy rich, or super poor. If you’ve got a ton of cars, you’ve either got a nice car collection, or you’ve got rusty cars all over your lawn. Or if you’ve got a shower outside, that’s another example.

7:35 NEWS

Because April 15th fell on a Saturday, you had two extra days to do your taxes, but today is the final day. You either need to postmark by today, or file electronically by Midnight.

Zacharius Moussaoui’s trial resumes today.

David Blaine will perform another stunt for an ABC special this Summer.

7:51 SPORTS

NBA.
Lakers going to the Playoffs.
Clippers lost at home to the Sonics.

MLB.
Mariners lost to Boston.
Padres beat the Braves.
Snakes lost to the Astros.
Giants were shut out by the Dodgers.

8:03 OSWALDO REVIEWS ICE AGE 2

Oswaldo is in the studio to do a review of the new Ice Age movie.

Coincidentally, Ice Age left this reviewer ‘ice cold.’

8:11 STEVEN GREEN ON THE LINE

Steven Green, the electrician from Adam’s TLC show, is on the line. He ran into Dave over the weekend and had some bad news. The point of the show was, they took Adam’s childhood home and renovated it, then sold it. He went by the house over the weekend, and they had a huge construction crew there ripping it down and remodeling it.

8:24 THE JERK REPORT

It’s time for Dave to do his Jerk Report.

Jim Brusca – jerk. Teresa asks why is that? Dave says, now she’s on the list.

This new Metamucil “regulars” commercial. So if I use your product, I can take a dump next to the same two guys, every day? Great.

Tom Cruise – he’s OT 7 now. What does that mean? Adam says that’s funny coming from a guy who played fantasy baseball all weekend. Dave says he’s got a new addition to the list – Adam Carolla!

And, of course, the Creep of the Week: Barry Bonds.

8:40 DICKY BARRETT IN THE STUDIO

Dicky Barrett, the lead singer of The Mighty Mighty Bosstones and the announcer for the Jimmy Kimmel Show, is on the program. Dicky wants to know, who exactly books this show? Because it’s a bit of a thin Monday. Adam says yeah, they tend to only book from within the building, or whoever the booker runs in to.

Adam met Dicky by just happening to run into the tour bus. He walked in, and they invited him up, put a beer in his hand, and partied with him. They were just tired of hanging out with each other, Adam looked like a normal enough dude, so in he went.

Dicky used to be on the Mighty Morning Show at Indie 103.1, before he went full time at his Kimmel gig.

Super Dave calls in to talk with Dicky and Adam.

9:11 MORE BABY NAMES

A listener calls in with Tony Hollywood Carolla. It’s all about the initials.

9:13 THE ED IS ON THE LINE

The Ed calls in from Vegas with a Desperate Housewives update.

9:53 RELIGIOUS ASSKISS RODEO

It’s time for Adam’s top two religion choices from last weeks competition – Muslim and Judaism, to face off with a game of asskiss rodeo.