ADAM WITH CHRISTIAN THE 13-YEAR-OLD COMEDIAN, ROBERT SCHIMMEL AND TOAD THE WET SPROCKET

ADAM WITH CHRISTIAN THE 13-YEAR-OLD COMEDIAN, ROBERT SCHIMMEL AND TOAD THE WET SPROCKET — 5am to 10am PST, May 31, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?

Adam’s been doing a little pontificating on what can make a man happy. A lot of people will sit around and say, my life sucks, because I live with my girlfriend, or my roommate, or my hand, in this crappy apartment. Or maybe, they’ve got a crappy car, or a beat-up truck. They use these things that they don’t have as an excuse for not being happy. When you’re poor, you just automatically assume that you’re unhappy because you’re not rich.

But, if you actually make this money, you’ll see that you pretty much feel the same. Sure, you get rid of the impending doom stuff, and you’re able to buy this or that, or miss some work, or go to Europe, but you’re still unhappy. There’s still a level above you. There’s always a level above you. You’re flying coach — other people are flying first class. You fly first class — other people fly charter planes.

The one element that screws up everyone’s life is envy.

Take the celebrity shows, like “Extra”, or “The Insider”. They are one contributor to this ruiner of society. The rich, famous people you see up there are just as miserable as you, they’re just doing it more lavishly. But you can see the envy in people’s eyes when they watch. Adam can see it in his wife’s eyes every night. Any time you think you’re doing good, you pop on that TV, and see something like Patrick Dempsey climbing out of a pace car and proclaiming “WHAT A RUSH!” And you think, god damnit, I should be driving that pace car.

A lot of times, you’ll think the key to feeling better is to just turn on the news. You see the war in Iraq, or the crisis in Darfur, or all of the poverty in the world — just horrid situations all over the world. But that doesn’t really work, either. That just makes you depressed.

This has all made Adam realize that we need a TV network designed to just make you feel better. No bad news. Just things that give you a booster. He stumbled onto this while watching Last Comic Standing. All of those open casting calls, and all of those hopeful comics at those comedy clubs, standing in line all day and all night, just vying for a chance to compete. It made Adam feel good about his existence — he’s got a house, and cars, and a great job, and a wife with kids on the way. Seeing something on TV like that, and having it make you feel good about your own life, is a great feeling.

6:29 EUGENE FROM SPAIN

Eugene, their listener from Spain, calls in to the show. He’s got two names for Adam’s kids — Sandro Carolla, and Julia Carolla. Adam likes those names. He’s also got a question for Teresa. How does she really feel about them naming her vagina? She’s okay with it; she’s honored, actually.

6:34 CHRISTIAN THE 13-YEAR-OLD COMEDIAN

Christian the 13-year-old comedian comes on the line to do a little of his new material for the crew.

6:38 BRITTANY EVANS IN THE STUDIO

Brittany Evans, the St. Pauli spokesmodel, is on the program. Dave immediately spots and expresses displeasure over the engagement ring on her finger. “That’s good,” Brittany quips, “because it’s not an engagement ring. It’s a wedding ring.” Ouch.

She was also one of the Playboy Cyber Girls of the Day on 971freefm.com.

Since she’s the St. Pauli girl, they’re going to do a little taste test. They’ve got four beers lined up, and we’ll see if she can pick out which beer is which.

She picks number two as St. Pauli, and cringes when she drinks number four — she just doesn’t like that one. They go through the list. Number four was St. Pauli! “No! No no no!”

Now that they’ve gotten her fired, it’s time to say goodbye.

7:05 NEWS

Teresa addresses the morning news.

7:16 SPORTS

Dave lazily winds his way through the sports report, having not received a note from Brusca to “make it quick.”

7:30 NAME TERESA’S VAGINA

It’s time to name Teresa’s vagina! The theme today is “band names.” Before they take any calls, Adam’s got to run through a few of his. For example… Cake. “That’s sweet,” Teresa says. Not so fast, Adam replies. Phish. Hmm, she misses Cake already.

Big Tad has a couple — Dire Straits, and Taco. Also, Savage Garden and Psychadelic Furs.

A listener calls in. He loves Teresa, but… Cheap Trick.

They take a few more calls from people with suggestions.

7:48 ROBERT SCHIMMEL IN THE STUDIO

Comedian Robert Schimmel is on the program. He gets onto the topic of cutting the “cord” in child birth — he didn’t do it the first couple kids he had, but he did on the last one. It’s a very bizarre experience, he thinks; it just doesn’t seem or feel right. Half way through cutting it, he stopped and proclaimed that he couldn’t finish this. They urged him, “don’t stop,” because supposedly the kid doesn’t know anything.

Robert’s daughter Jessica comes on the line. Robert told them to give her a ring because she’ll pretty much say anything to anyone at any time. Basically, Jessica resents her father because he got married to one of her good friends.

She shares a few stories of their interesting family history with Adam and Co.

8:30 DISGRUNTLED KATHY

A listener, Kathy, calls in. She feels it’s very inappropriate for them to be naming Teresa’s Vagina — children listen to this show. She herself has three children who listen, and it’s just not something she wants them to hear. She also works for Child Protection Services, and she’s seen kids removed from their parents for the parents talking in a manner like that. Adam wonders if maybe they weren’t just using words in those cases… “Oh, Daddy’s gonna molest ya! Daddy’s gonna touch ya!”

8:35 THE JERK REPORT WITH DAVE DAMESHEK

This was a tumultuous week on The Adam Carolla Show. He’ll get to that in a minute, though. Everybody remember, though, that Dave is much like a benevalent Sauron — his eye sees all jerks.

The first nominee — the show’s very own movie reviewer, Oswaldo Castillo, for ruining X-Men 3!

And the Get Out of Jerk Free Card for the week goes to actor Paul Gleason, for always playing a villian or a bad guy in every movie. He’s managed to entertain us for years, all the while never playing a single lovable character. Here’s a Get Out of Jerk Card for you, Mr. Gleason — you’re going to need it. Incidentally, Teresa wonders if God has a Jerk Report. Sure he does, Adam confirms. He calls it Hell.

The runner-up for Creep of the Week… Dave Dameshek! For reasons that have already been discussed, he has landed himself on The Jerk Report. As many remember, he carries the coveted Get Out of Jerk Free Card from last week. But, and he’ll have to check the by-laws on this, he’s pretty sure he can use it to bump himself down from Creep of the Week, to runner-up. He asks Bryan to please, turn the laser on him, and for the love of God, spare his face.

And now, the Creep of the Week. This Andrew Morbitzer character who went out for beer and barbecue sandwiches during the game, when Bonds was at bat and had the potential to hit his record-breaking home run, and then being REWARDED by having the home run ball land straight in his concession tray.

8:51 TOAD THE WET SPROCKET IN THE STUDIO

Toad the Wet Sprocket is on the program to do a little acoustic performance for the crew.

9:07 TERESA’S NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the morning news.

9:20 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports.

9:39 HEAD FIRST BABIES

During the news, Adam wondered why babies have to be born head first, rather than feet first. Some listeners call in to educate him as to why it has to be that way.

9:42 MORE VAGINA NAMES

Dave goes over the last minute influx of vagina names that came in from the Adam Carolla Message Board.

9:51 HOW TO GET THE GUY

Teresa’s going to be interviewed this evening on Entertainment Tonight, for her new show “How To Get The Guy”. A big new network show, Adam points out. Look, he tells her. Sprout wings and fly, but, just one wing. Just fly in circles right above the ground. We don’t want you to leave the nest. “I’ll never leave,” she tells Adam.

ADAM WITH PATTON OSWALT, SOPHIE MONK AND TAYLOR HICKS

ADAM WITH PATTON OSWALT, SOPHIE MONK AND TAYLOR HICKS — 5am to 10am PST, May 30, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 ADAM STARING YOU DOWN

Vanessa, a 19-year-old security guard, calls in. She sits in her car for 12 hours a day, and she’s surrounded by Adam. She lives in Phoenix, and there are Adam Carolla billboards EVERYWHERE. “Have you SEEN that picture of you in the blue collar,” she asks? It looks like you’re thinking, “my job is so much better than yours.” Teresa thinks she’s reading into that. No, no, Adam corrects her — that’s exactly what he was thinking when he took the picture. In fact, he was thinking it about the photographer; it’s just translated into everyone who sees it.

6:07 THE INCIDENT

There was a bit of a scuffle on-air with Teresa and Dave last week. Adam doesn’t go on the computer much, he says, but he looked on there over the weekend, and he sees that Teresa is the overwhelming favorite — the people are definitely taking to her. Yes, Dave says, people did not appreciate his behavior. It wasn’t just his behavior, Adam says. People are just in love with Teresa. Never before has she gotten so many emails, she says.

Teresa felt especially bad that they had this fight on Adam’s birthday. It wasn’t his birthday, he points out, it was the day before his birthday. He’s not one of those guys who has to celebrate his birthday on the nearest working day, or the day before, or whatever.

It sounds as if peace has been made, but, it’s not official. It’s only official if Dave and Teresa sing the Universal Song of Unity. So, they get down to it — they bust out a duet of Ebony and Ivory.

6:23 CHECKING THINGS OFF

Big Tad called Adam on Saturday, and Adam wants to know if it was because of A, wanting to wish him a Happy Birthday, or B, to get tickets to the Ultimate Fighting Championship. Well… it was a little bit of B, but mostly A, Tad says. Adam had offered to give him tickets to UFC, and told him to call Lindsey and set things up. He called Lindsey, Tad confirms, but she had no idea what he was talking about, so he gave Adam a call. “You should’ve called me on Friday instead of Saturday,” Adam says. Well, Tad was giving Lindsey the benefit of the doubt.

Never, ever do that, Adam says.

The thing about Lindsey, and most people, is that they “check things off the list.” She talked to Tad about the tickets, then checked it off.

6:29 TAD’S TICKET

Tad got a ticket thanks to Adam. He decided to ignore the signs and turn left, even though it was between the times listed on the sign. And he got pulled over for it.

Adam reiterates his rant on red left turn arrows. In the end, he feels the same as he always has — these arrows should not turn red. They should go either green, or nothing. There is no reason for them to turn red. Turn green to alleviate the congestion, then go blank. Don’t turn red.

6:52 BIRTHDAY GIFTS

Ozzie dropped off a huge Tupperware bucket of flapsteak for Adam’s birthday. That’s how Ozzie will kill him, Adam says. He can just drop off a metric ton of steak, and Adam will eat and eat until he dies. He also points out that, as usual, Oswaldo got him more birthday gifts than any of his family members.

His wife, though, got him a gift that’s somewhere from the corner of Insulting Street and Don’t Give a Sh*t Avenue. It’s this laser thing that they use on movies and the like, which zaps zits off of your face. He’s never mentioned anything about hating acne, Teresa asks? No, of course not, he has very clear skin. He gets the occasional shaving rash, but that’s about it.

7:10 OSWALDO REVIEWS X-MEN 3

Ozzie reviews X-Men 3: The Last Stand.

7:14 NEWS

Teresa goes over the morning’s news.

7:23 SPORTS

Dave runs through the sports news.

7:42 PATTON OSWALT IN THE STUDIO

Patton Oswalt, of Crank Yankers fame, is on the program. He was talking to one of the guys outside the studio, and he just doesn’t know how any of them do this. He looks completely exhausted, Adam says.

He can’t just be bummed because of the lack of sleep, though, Dave says. It’s gotta be at least partly because of all the characters that die in X-Men 3. He didn’t see it. WHAT?!? NO!

Last week, he was at a comic book store in Los Angeles, and the writers of X-Men 3 were there answering questions. He’s friends with one of them, so they goaded him quietly into taking the microphone and asking a question. He got up and asked, “So in the scene where Wolverine died, was that a leather jacket?” The geeks in the audience were agast, even though the question was total b.s. Luckily, the writer went along with it — “Oh, yeah, we kinda wrote the scene around the jacket.” Everyone went berserk. Finally, they had to own up to the joke, and when they did, some huge, sweaty geek turned, looked right at him, and went “HAH.”

7:58 THE NERD OFF

As many may remember, Patton, Mike Lynch, Bryan and others competed in a Nerd Off, to see who was the geekiest. Now, they’re going to do it again, with Mike Dawson reading the questions.

The first question is in the category of X-Men. Name three of the five original members of The X-Men. Patton buzzes in. Beast, Ice-Man and Cyclops. That is correct.

Question number two. In DC Comics, what is Green Lantern’s one weakness? Patton buzzes in again — the color yellow. His ring cannot affect it. Correct!

Next question. The War of the Worlds inspired what late 1970’s video game? Mike squeaks in. Space Invaders. That’s correct!

Name all of the members of the Jetsons family. Bryan buzzes in. George, Judy, Jane, Elroy and Astro. Wait, you need the maid, Adam says. Dottie? Push the button that signifies a wrong answer, Bryan.

In Advanced Dungeons and Dragons, is there a 16-sided dice? Patton nerds in. No, there is not. Correct.

A wedgie where your underwear is pulled over your head is called… what? Bryan buzzes in and blurts out, “atomic wedgie!” That is correct. Teresa feels like he speaks from experience.

In Einstein’s formula, E equals M times C squared. What do they stand for? Patton chimes in. Energy, Mass and the Speed of Light. That’s correct.

An anti-nerd question — how many times did Ali fight Frazier? Bryan nails it with three.

Another anti-nerd question — what is a Gordy Howell hat trick? A goal, an assist and a fight. Bryan nails another one.

Who is the all-time champion in Connect Four? Mike squeaks in. It’s “supposedly” Dave Dameshek. Dave yells out — SUPPOSEDLY? There’s nothing SUPPOSED about it!

Which of the Star Wars movies was shot entirely in a studio? Patton buzzes in with The Phantom Menace. That is INCORRECT. Bryan sweeps in for the steal — Revenge of the Sith. That is correct! Patton has to sit the next round out.

In Dungeons and Dragons, what are the three alignments? Patton is freaking out that he can’t answer. Nobody can get it. It’s Good, Neutral and Evil.

Supplementing that question a bit — what are the three subdivisions of Evil? Patton buzzes in. Neutral, Lawful and Chaotic. That is correct.

Patton has once again slaughtered everyone in the Geek-Off.

8:24 FIGHT RECAP

Adam, Dave and Teresa talk a bit more about the fight on Friday, and The Ed calls in from Vegas to let Adam know that he’s the number one morning show in that market now.

8:42 SOPHIE MONK IN THE STUDIO

Sophie Monk, from the upcoming movie “Click”, is on the program. Blonde and beautiful; she’s the complete package, Adam says. Very full lips as well, Dave adds. The last time she was here, she claimed to find Brusca the most attractive member of the staff. She still does, she says. What! Dave is appalled.

The reason this is such a sensation here, is because Brusca is usually picked at the bottom of these lists. Sure, you can say that, he says, if you want to make a point, but it’s usually closer to the middle. Sure, Adam says, if you want to call the caboose the middle of the train.

In honor of Sophie’s love for Brusca, the two of them perform a duet, set to a tune from Grease.

9:00 TAYLOR HICKS ON THE PHONE

Taylor Hicks, the winner of this year’s American Idol, is on the phone. Adam says it’s thrilling for Taylor to win, because he was actually rooting for him. “Were you really,” Adam asks? Well, okay, he was rooting for Elliot, but after that, it was Taylor. The problem with Katherine McPhee was, she was flawless. She seemed too perfect. Taylor actually seems like a guy who could use the scratch.

Before he auditioned for Idol, he was in Alabama, doing anything from birthdays to bar mitzvahs. He actually had to make it out to Las Vegas for his audition. Now, he’s got a manager, and a publicist, and the whole works. It’s pretty surreal.

How about Paula Abdul though, Adam asks. You respect her as an artist, sure, but do you respect her as a person? Absolutely, Taylor says. She’s a sweetheart.

9:19 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:25 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports news.

9:37 DEAF FRAT GUY AND MOOSE IN THE STUDIO

Maverick, a.k.a the Deaf Frat Guy, is in the studio, along with Moose, his frat buddy. He’s finally joined up with the Delta Fu Gammas, after Maverick was deactivated from the TKEs. Moose’s job in the frat is to assign nicknames.

They take some calls from people who want to talk to Maverick and Moose.

ADAM WITH CHRISTIAN THE 13-YEAR-OLD COMEDIAN, BOBBY LEE, RICHARD MARTIN AND THE FINALE OF THE ADAM CAROLLA TRIVIA CHALLENGE

ADAM WITH CHRISTIAN THE 13-YEAR-OLD COMEDIAN, BOBBY LEE, RICHARD MARTIN AND THE FINALE OF THE ADAM CAROLLA TRIVIA CHALLENGE – 5am to 10am PST, May 26, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

6:06 HAPPY BIRTHDAY

It’s Adam’s birthday, and he was hoping to slip it under the radar, but Dave and Teresa bring it up. It’s not actually today, it’s tomorrow. The thing about Adam’s birthday, though, is that it was piggy-backed onto his sibling’s birthdays also. On top of that, his parents were cheap, and he wanted stuff. Not little cheap things — real stuff. So instead of gifts, he’d go around and collect money. $20 from Mom, $20 from Dad, $10 from this relative, $10 from that, etc. “YOU’RE GETTING MONEY?!?”, Dave exclaims. Yes! That’s ridiculous. Birthdays were just never a huge deal in Carolla’s family.

When people died in his family, they didn’t have funerals, either. Teresa asks if it’s that same triangle of cheapness, poorness, and lack of care. Yes, it is, Adam says, and that’s the kind of thing where now that he’s an adult, he still doesn’t know how to react on birthdays and the like.

6:18 CHRISTIAN THE 13-YEAR-OLD COMEDIAN

Christian calls in from Fresno. He wishes Adam a happy birthday, then cracks out a joke for the crew.

6:30 A LITTLE GHETTO

Lindsey was up at the station very early hanging up some decorations. If they were in a porn movie, and it was someone’s birthday in the movie, they would decorate it better than they’ve decorated this studio. “It’s early,” Teresa says.

It’s time for a surprise caller — Adam immediately recognizes it as Beth Ringwald, sister of Molly Ringwald, and Adam’s childhood sweetheart. They used to live right up the street from each other, and he used to do things like put her on his back and run up and down the bleachers. “That’s sweet,” Teresa thinks. Beth has actually recently remarried her high school sweetheart, after being apart for over twenty years.

So, it sounds like Beth was Adam’s “first”. Teresa wants to know — how was he? Ehh… she was drunk, she doesn’t really remember. She actually is curious about what Adam thought? Well, let’s not talk about it. It’s probably not legal in the State of California.

Dave’s got an idea, though. How about Adam and Beth come together again, after all this time, so she can judge and see how much better he’s gotten at things? She’s not sure Ken and Lynette would appreciate that.

6:54 BOBBY LEE IN THE STUDIO

Bobby Lee from MadTV is on the program. There’s like nine people who are watching MadTV, Bobby says. Adam doesn’t even want to hear it, though. When he was on Loveline, they had all the MadTV guests, and year after year, everyone would lean over and say “This is it, this is our last season, we’re getting pulled off the air.” But it’s never happened, so Adam just ignores it. Seriously though, Bobby isn’t sure how or why MadTV is still on. It’s not even like working on a show. He’s pretty sure there’s a homeless guy sleeping outside his dressing room.

7:15 NEWS

Teresa goes over the day’s news.

7:25 SPORTS

Dave covers the sports, and then talks to a special guest: The kid who caught the home run ball that tied Barry Bonds for the home run record with Babe Ruth. They give him a bit of grief for having a $50,000 offer, and then turning it down. He says he’s holding out for close to a million dollars. Adam wonders, is this the kind of thing that goes up and down in value? Do they have appraisers for it? Yes, Teresa confirms. Adam remembers that Teresa’s boyfriend is a sports memorabilia appraiser.

What happens when Bonds breaks another record? Like, say, Hank Aaron’s record? Will this ball go down in value? It will, Teresa says, so when you get a respectable offer, you should sell it. Adam has a different plan. Spread a little money around at the airfield, and have then sabotage the team’s plane. That way, you not only get his record breaking ball, but the last one he ever hit.

7:41 JIMMY KIMMEL ON THE HORN

A special guest, Jimmy Kimmel, calls in to wish Adam a happy birthday. An important question, though: who gives the best birthday gift? Well, Adam is good, Jimmy says, but ultimately, Jimmy puts more thought into his gifts. Adam usually will just take him to Best Buy and say, pick yourself something out. Never has he felt so much like a kid.

8:02 THE RIFT

Apparently, Dave Dameshek and Teresa Strasser have issues. Teresa demands that Brusca explain the situation. He says things got “a little rough” during the commercial break. No, no, Teresa says. You explain the situation better. Fine — Dave screamed at Teresa to “F off.” He actually waited for Adam to get up and leave the room, and then proceeded to launch into what can be described as a “maniacal tirade.”

Yesterday, Dave wrote a one page long email to Teresa explaining all of these problems that he has with her. This morning, he told Brusca he thinks Teresa is doing a fantastic job, but Brusca feels like it was just because he felt bad. In addition, Brusca admits that he’s been stirring the pot a little bit, by telling Dave a thing or two that Teresa had said about him behind his back. She swears that it was just a joke, though, and Brusca tends to agree. Dave defends himself; he was and remains a huge supporter of Teresa, and campaigned heavily to get her hired. She knows that, and thanks him for it. It’s just, never in her life, on any of her jobs as both host and comedy writer, has she had someone wait for someone else to leave the room before screaming at her.

Adam feels like he needs to address this. Dave, honestly, has no malice in his heart. He feels like he can be unbridled, and demonstrative, and rude, and just say whatever he wants, because he knows that he doesn’t mean any of it. But what he needs to realize is, sometimes you work with someone who is going to take this kind of thing more seriously. Maybe they’ve got a history of people yelling at them, or maybe they are just more sensitive to that type of thing, or whatever. But you have to take it into consideration.

It seems too soon to hug, but Dave would like to shake Teresa’s hand. She asks him if maybe he could go “F” himself. Ultimately, Adam just wants to stress that he feels like Dave does not mean any of this, and honestly, doesn’t have any malice towards Teresa.

8:22 THE REPRIMAND

Mo’ Dameshek, Dave’s mom, calls in and chastises him. This was not the way he was raised. Dave isn’t a bad boy, it’s just that, sometimes he does bad things. Adam feels that Dave is definitely an extrovert, and he doesn’t choose his words very carefully. So, it can be hard to step into his world.

8:37 TOILET TIME-OUT

Before we get to the Adam Carolla Show Trivia Challenge, we need to finish up a little business with this Dave Dameshek mess. It’s time to put Dave in a toilet time-out. “WHAT! NO!” Dave strongly protests; the message board has already declared him a jerk for this incident, what more does Adam want? Well, he can work on the Jerk Report from his tiled office.

Big Tad escorts him out to the bathroom, and he passes “Shotgun” Tom Kelly, who is on his way in to preside over the trivia contest.

8:40 “SHOTGUN” TOM

Shotgun enters the studio. He’s going to be emceeing the trivia challenge again this week, where hopefully, they’ll be giving away $3,000.

They begin the semi-finals.

8:58 RAY

Dave’s in the bathroom, and unfortunately, there’s no microphone in there — this is an impromptu thing. So, they’ve got Big Tad on a cell phone in there, which works very spottily in the station. Big Tad tells Adam that he’ll never guess who just walked in — Adam’s buddy Ray, the man who once defecated in Jimmy Kimmel’s desk.

9:00 THE TRIVIA CONTEST ROLLS ON

And the trivia contest, week three, continues. Mo’ Dameshek faces off against Listener Ken for $3,000.

Mo’ Dameshek seems to once again sweep the competition, but Brusca has a heart — he wants to give Ken another question. If Ken can get it right, he’ll take home the $3,000. They toss him a tough one — what is Dave’s wifes name? Mo’ asks if she can give a hint, and they say that’s okay.

Mo’s hint?

“Cindi.”

Teresa points out Dave’s problem — look at the hints his mother gives! They serve up yet another question, and Ken nails it. He’ll take home the $3,000! $1,000 for today, plus $2,000 from the two previous competitions that had no winner.

9:16 NEWS RECAP

A breaking story: Dave’s an a-hole.

Teresa recaps the news.

9:33 RICHARD MARTIN

Republican Richard Martin has joined the program to talk with Adam and the crew about this new wave of anti-Bush songs and rhetoric. Richard points out that he does a little rapping, too — he does a pro-American rap, to try and counter all the vitriol being spewed.

Be sure to visit AskARepublican.com for more information and to see Richard’s video podcast.

9:49 OLD BUDDIES

Adam’s buddy Ray, and Don, his first roommate, are both in the studio today. They’ve come to wish Adam a happy birthday, and they’ve brought a tape of Adam’s first attempt ever at radio comedy — a fake religious rock radio station, including a fake commercial for HE-BREW, religious beer.

Ozzie comes in to sing Happy Birthday to Adam as the show closes.

ADAM WITH ANASTASIA ASHLEY, TOM LEYKIS AND PENN JILETTE

ADAM WITH ANASTASIA ASHLEY, TOM LEYKIS AND PENN JILETTE — 5am to 10am PST, May 25, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 COMEDY ISN’T EASY

Last night’s American Idol was a great example of how singing isn’t easy, and neither is comedy. Watching that on TV, where the comedy wasn’t funny, and every singer was either a good amateur, or a bad one, was just a painful reminder, Adam feels.

It just reminds him of how, at the premiere of American Idol, someone was interviewing him, and they asked him if he was going to be in the delivery room with his wife to cut the umbilical cord. Guys are being shamed into this. “You wanna be there, don’t you? You wanna be the first to hold your child, right?” Why? Do I get a discount if I cut the umbilical cord? No. Someone’s getting paid to do that, let them do it.

6:22 DEAF FRAT GUY IN THE STUDIO

Maverick, a.k.a. Deaf Frat Guy, is in the studio. His new frat and new website have both really taken off, Dave says — it looks like Axwound has actually been promoted to Sergeant of Arms.

Former Webmaster Billy is in studio, also. He was actually in charge of DeafFratGuy.com for a bit, but he got fired for not doing a good job. Dave asks if Billy could ever join Delta Fu Gamma, but Maverick says absolutely not. He has this attitude, like, his crap doesn’t stink. Adam points out that his CBS Radio badge he’s carrying says “ON-AIR PERSONALITY”. What the heck is all that about? That’s a little ridiculous. Maverick wants to know why HE doesn’t have one of those badges. Adam agrees. Maverick has put in far more time on the air.

Billy’s going to be going out with Nicolle again for a second date. The first one didn’t work out so well, because Billy stiffened up a bit. So, they’re going to try it again. But all of the advice Maverick gives him seems to be falling on deaf ears. How ironic, Adam feels.

6:44 THE WAKE BUDDY

When Adam wakes up in the morning, he has to look back down at the bed, and see both his dog, and his wife, laying in bed sound asleep. They sit there looking like they aren’t going to wake up for four more hours at least. It’s so aggravating. It gives Adam the idea for an invention. When you’re trying to catch a flight to somewhere, and your roommate is trying to catch the same flight, you both end up in the kitchen around the same time, and you can swap your stories of what time you went to bed. “Oh, I got to sleep around midnight. What is it now, 4am?”

“Oh yeah, well I got to bed at 2am.”

“Oh, wow. Want some coffee?” It makes you feel better! So Adam’s invention is some kind of machine, or robot, or something, that will go to bed later than you, and wake up at the same time, and feel way worse than you. You can get up, talk to it about how it feels worse than you, then get it some coffee and feel better about yourself.

6:52 WHAT CAN’T ADAM COMPLAIN ABOUT?

And now, it’s time for a spirited round of What Can’t Adam Complain About? Listeners can call in with a topic, and Adam will complain about it, if he can.

His wife — she’s asleep right now!

The comedic gold that is The Jerk Report — it’s TWENTY TWO MINUTES LONG! TWENTY! TWO! MINUTES! You know what would be faster?! NAME THE PEOPLE WHO AREN’T ON IT!

Having a beautiful home in the Hills — the house is beautiful, yes, but he’s managed to find yet another crazy neighbor. He called the Department of Building & Safety because the hedge between their properties is too high. He needs to hire a drifter to kill him.

Vagina — Well, who’s vagina is it? The beautiful Teresa? Some animal on death row? It’s not the vagina itself, it’s what the vagina is attached to. Dave loves primanti sandwiches. But what if the primanti sandwich was underneath Big Tad’s arms? That’s where men get themselves into trouble. They just want the sandwich, and they don’t stop to think about whos legs it is in between.

7:09 NEWS

The California Supreme Court has reinstated the high school exit exam. Opponents of the test say that the test discriminates against non-english speakers.

Last night on American Idol, if you didn’t hear, Taylor Hicks beat out Katherine McPhee to become the fifth American Idol.

Jennifer Aniston was interviewed last night on David Letterman, and someone asked her a “stupid question”. And the question was… “What was your worst break-up?”

Arizona has outlawed beastality.

63.2 million people voted for American Idol last night. That’s more than any single presidential candidate has ever received.

7:18 SPORTS

NBA.
Suns won at Dallas in Game 1 last night.

MLB.
Dodgers beat the Rockies last night.

7:31 ANASTASIA ASHLEY IN THE STUDIO

Anastasia Ashley, the 19-year-old world’s best female surfer, is on the program. She recently went out and partied with Dave Dameshek, Artie Lange, Jimmy Kimmel and company at the Roosevelt. Her boyfriend was there, too, and Dave points out that he’s a sweet kid and all, but enough is enough.

Teresa has to know — does her boyfriend actually mind that she’s sleeping with Adam Carolla? No comment. There’s some issues to overcome, Dave thinks. Whereas Adam was born in the 70s, Anastasia was born earlier this week.

7:49 CARPENTRY QUESTION

A listener calls in with a carpentry question for Adam. He says he’s going to tread lightly when he takes this call, because he doesn’t want to turn Anastasia on any more than she alreayd is, lest she explode with horniness.

7:52 A COMPATIBILITY QUIZ

Adam and Anastasia run through a compatibility test to see if they’d be able to make it as a couple.

8:11 TERESA’S VAGINA

It’s time to try and name Teresa’s Vagina! They name off a few names that have been sent in, and then take some calls, in an attempt to figure out what Teresa’s Vagina should be named.

8:29 TOM LEYKIS IN THE STUDIO

Tom Leykis, best known for his syndicated radio show The Tom Leykis Show, which airs on 97.1 Free FM (among many other stations.) Adam figures that judging by Tom’s appearance, he’s not a morning person. Absolutely not, Tom says, and he doesn’t know how the hell they all do it.

Adam used to broadcast out of where Tom broadcasts from — Westwood One. Many Loveline listeners will know that Adam absolutely hates that studio, and it sounds like Tom does, as well. They riff a bit about their problems with that place.

The twins are on the way, Dave reminds everyone, and Adam continues insisting that he won’t cut the umbilical cord. What’s Tom’s opinion on that, he wonders? Tom has no interest in seeing what is going on in that delivery room. In the old days, men were not in there. They weren’t near it. They waited to be told “It’s a boy” or “It’s a girl”.

An angry listener, Garrett, comes on the line. Is this the one that dresses like a cowboy? No? You’re thinking of Don Imus.

Another listener calls in. He loves Tom Leykis, and he abides all the rules. Tell us the Leykis 101 rules, Adam asks. Let the listener do it, Tom says. He busts them out. Never date women with kids. Never give the woman a key to your apartment. Don’t spend more than $40 on a date. Shouldn’t you adjust that for inflation, Adam wonders? Oh, oh no, Tom says. But he’s been saying that for ten years. Ultimately, he still thinks $0 is optimal. Continuing — never let her talk on her cell phone during the date, because she’s either talking to the babysitter, in which case you shouldn’t be with her anyway, or she’s setting up another date.

Adam hears that Tom was attacked. He was out at around 3am looking for some food in Seattle, and a couple of skinheads saw him, recognized him, and gave him a karate kick to the head. He had to get 17 stitches, and he still has a scar. Fortunately, they were caught, because they went around bragging about it.

A listener calls in and asks about birth control for men. There’s one kind, Tom says — condoms. What about vasectomies, the listener asks? That’s not birth control. That’s sterilization. And since most of his listeners are young adults, that’s not an option for them. They may not want kids now, but they might in ten years.

Someone reports in that he got a vasectomy for his 25th birthday. Did the doctor give him grief? Oh yes; he had to go through eight different doctors before he finally found someone who would do it on a young person with no kids.

Billy rejoins the program. Tom is going to dispense a little advice to him about his ill-fated prom date, and the future of the relationship. First of all, Tom tells guys not even to go to prom. If you put yourself in a position where you have to talk a lot, everything you say can and will be used against you, and the woman will find something in your conversation to use as an excuse to not sleep with you. Try to stick to situations where you won’t be talking a lot.

Teresa actually agrees with Tom for the most part, and she’s heard him eviscerate others before on his show, but she’s going to disagree with him anyway, because Brusca has told her she has to. It’ll be more interesting radio. So, here it goes. She feels like asking women questions about themselves and talking a lot is good with some women. Adam agrees; it’ll help you get laid. The worst thing you can do is give your opinion to a woman, Tom says.

The second date with Nicolle: where is it going to be? What is it? They’re thinking of going to a putt-putt golf place. “Terrible idea,” Dave thinks. Of course, we want to be responsible, and Billy can’t drink, but if he could, he would definitely need to take her somewhere that they could drink. After the golf, what’s the follow-up? What comes next? Billy has no idea. Shocking! Basically, Tom says, you need to chill it out after the golf. Try to cool it off, calm it down, etc. And make sure to not spend a lot of money.

Catch Tom Leykis on 97.1 FREE FM from 3pm to 8pm, Monday through Friday, and on many other FREE FM stations all over the West Coast.

9:18 PENN JILETTE ON THE PHONE

Penn Jilette calls in to talk to Adam for a bit.

9:34 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

It was just announced that the verdict in the Enron trial is: guilty on all counts.

9:38 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports.

ADAM WITH STANLEY BING AND CHRISTOPHER KNIGHT

ADAM WITH STANLEY BING AND CHRISTOPHER KNIGHT — 5am to 10am PST, May 24th, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 DR. DREW

The show kicks off with Brusca slamming something down on the table in front of Adam, spilling a little coffee on him. It’s just like the Loveline days with Dr. Drew, he says. Drew was the worst about not being considerate of the microphone; he’d toss keys down on the desk, he’d slam his coffee mug down, he’d do pretty much anything that made a lot of noise. And of course, if Adam mentioned it, Drew would always say “What is your problem?” He has what Drew referred to as “Hypervigilance” about that sort of thing.

On Loveline, the producer had the same problem. The door in that studio was the absolute loudest door you could imagine. It’s like one of those doors in a hotel room — it’s made of metal, and the door jam is made of metal, and the studs in the wall are made of metal, and it’s on a pressure sealer, so if you let it go, it slams itself. Since it’s all so heavy, the wall shakes and makes a lot of noise. And nobody can ever seem to actually GRAB IT and SLOW IT DOWN before it slams and sounds like a BOMB GOING OFF. Producer Ann at Loveline would always dart out and slam the door right when the microphones went hot. When Adam finally managed to get her to try and leave before that, Drew would inevitably call her back and ask her something. Then, of course, you’d hear the tail end of their conversation when the microphones went hot.

6:10 MIKE THE ROOFER

Mike the Roofer calls in. He’s got a problem — he’s too tired from staying up all night having sex with his girlfriend. What a horrible problem, they all agree. Teresa equates that to the girl who complains that her boyfriend’s penis is too large, and it hurts her.

6:25 AMERICAN IDOL

Adam and the crew talk about part one of the American Idol finale, which aired last night.

6:28 100 B.S. JOBS AND HOW TO GET THEM

Stanley Bing, the author of the book “100 B.S. Jobs and How to Get Them”, is on the phone. That title isn’t abbreviated on the book cover, but he’ll abbreviate it for radio, Adam says. That’s a good plan, Stalney agrees.

Talking about b.s. jobs, back in the day, Adam was a celebrity panelist on Star Search. They would tell him, look, keep your comments brief. You’ve only got about eight seconds. And you make $20,000 for it. What’s hard about that, at all? A b.s. job is the kind of job where you make a good amount of money, for not a lot of work. He agrees with Adam that Paula Abdul probably has the sweetest job in the world, but it’s hard to get a job as Paula Abdul, without being Paula Abdul.

One of the jobs on the list is marriage counselor. Those are the kind where you need a degree, Adam points out, but he feels like he could take his shrink’s job any day of the week. Very true, Stanley says. But what job should a 21-year-old get, fresh out of college? Video game tester, Stanley says.

6:52 A B.S. JOB

A listener, John, calls in to both nominate a B.S. job, and to nominate a jerk. They’re both the same group — cops. This guy lives next to a Holiday Inn Express, and some tourist backed into his car, and side-swiped it. No note, no call, no anything. So they call the police. The car is messed up, the taillights are broken, and they find another car with matching damage, matching paint and scratches, etc.

Teresa and Adam both start making fun of John in the middle of the story. Dave freaks out — what the hell did John do to either of them? Well, for starters, it’s the most boring story in the world. And secondly, he said that cop was a b.s. job. Any job where you have to wear body armor, and you can get killed in the line of duty, is not a b.s. job.

Another listener calls in with a b.s. job — the guy who wrote the book about b.s. jobs. How ironic, Adam says. Yes, like rain on your wedding day, Teresa replies.

Mark the Cop comes on the line. He’s miffed at that caller who hates cops.

7:12 CHRISTOPHER KNIGHT IN THE STUDIO

Chris Knight, best known as Peter Brady from The Brady Bunch, is on the program. He was voted the Brady that is most like Adam Carolla — they both have the curly jew-fro. He’s now on the show My Fair Brady, where he’s going to get married to Adrienne Curry, the winner of America’s Next Top Model. Dave wants to know what the chances are of a hot 23-year-old like her, falling for a 40-something Christopher Knight. Teresa watched The Surreal Life, where the two fell in love, and she can totally see why Adrienne went for it.

Adam feels like Adrienne should be with a rock star. Chris appreciates that comment. But seriously, he feels like he represents what Adrienne actually needs, as opposed to what she wants, and she knows that.

How about that family she’s got, Adam asks? Aren’t they… white trash? No, they really aren’t, Chris says. They’re very… blue collar. She actually has an uncle who holds a lot of patents. But overall, they are very blue collar.

7:38 NEWS

Teresa reads the morning’s news.

7:47 SPORTS

Dave goes over the sports.

8:05 NAME TERESA’S VAGINA

It started off with Chavez Ravine, and then the Valley of the Suns, and now, they’re opening it up to the listeners. Adam asks people to call in and name it, and Dave teases everyone with a set of tickets to George Clinton for the winner.

8:19 THE JERK REPORT WITH DAVE DAMESHEK

It’s time for a little something called The Jerk Report.

Dave fancies himself as a more benevolent version of Sauron, from Lord of the Rings. His eye sees all.

He’s starting at the NFL. Reggie Jackson has jumped to the NFL, and he wanted to wear his number, number five. The NFL has a rule against running backs wearing a number that low. In addition, he has announced that he would donate 25% of the profits from his jersey to the New Orleans rebuilding fund. The NFL again said no. Some call them the No Fun League, but Dave calls them… JERK!

The horse that won the Preakness, Barbaro, is undergoing all this surgery. He doesn’t know how to walk on three legs, they say, so they’ve got to save that fourth leg. What kind of jerk is this horse?! Take a lesson from the dogs of the world! Barbaro the horse… JERK!

Brusca interrupts to point out that Dave forgot to mention the sponsor. Teresa reads the sponsor’s message, and Brusca makes the Jerk Report solely for the interruption.

Last week, they introduced the Get Out of Jerk Free Card. This week, it goes to… Dave Dameshek. Dave had accidentally called someone a “creep” instead of a “jerk” last week, so he turned the Jerk Laser on himself. That classy move is rewarded by a Get Out of Jerk Free Card.

And of course, Sauron has his Uruk-hai, roaming the countryside, looking for jerks that the eye might not see. It’s time for… the Message Board suggestions! Adam doesn’t get these references. For that, he’s a jerk!

Fishtank from the Adam Carolla Message Board suggests the 7-year-old boy who swam from Alcatraz all the way to the mainland. Swimming from Alcatraz?! At seven years old?!? This place held Al Capone! Dave doesn’t like being shown up by some kid! JERK!

SwedishChef suggests The City of New Orleans. They re-elected their mayor, Ray Nagin. Do you not REMEMBER what JUST HAPPENED?! New Orleans… JERKS!

Finally, rowebot points out anybody who feels bad for that horse, Barbaro. Why the hell?! JERKS!

And now, Lynette Carolla. Last week, she called up and added someone to the Jerk Report live, on the air. But then, she blew it. She said that she didn’t really like the Cheechoo/Teymoo songs. Lynette… JERK! Lynette calls up. She thinks she might be going into pre-mature labor due to the stress of being placed onto the Jerk Report.

Incidentally, Adam asks Lynette to please not let her water break somewhere other than the bathroom.

And now, it’s time for the Creep of the Week. Barry Bonds, is NO LONGER Creep of the Week. There is a NEW Creep of the Week! The other day, Dave found out that Adam and Jimmy Kimmel were managing the Celebrity Softball Tournament that will be played at Chavez Ravine. First, he found out that he’s actually slated to play in this. How is he a celebrity?! But that’s not even the problem. The game will be played at Dodger Stadium. Dave has found out that he has to be in Pennsylvania that day for his cousin Meg’s wedding, so he can’t go. And who does he find out is playing the Dodgers that day? The Pittsburgh Pirates! HIS TEAM! He could’ve been on the field with his team, pressing the flesh, and THEN hit a few home runs at the softball game!

Cousin Meg… for ruining his chances of that… CREEP OF THE WEEK!

And that, is the Jerk Report.

8:49 RICH MAN, POOR MAN

It’s time to play another spirited round of Rich Man, Poor Man.

9:03 A RE-ENACTMENT

Dave and Adam perform a re-enactment of the “penis got yanked right off” story that has been in the news.

9:21 THE DRUNK TREE MASCOT

Erin, a.k.a. Drunk Tree Mascot drunkenly stumbles into the studio, singing about Producer Brisket. Dave fears she may be drunk, when she keeps calling Teresa “Tracy”. She says they always want her to go home and work on cheers, and come in and be this great cheerleader, but she’s finally figured out what she needs to do.

She wants to be Adam’s babysitter.

Unfortunately, to be Adam’s babysitter, Adam has to want to have sex with you. And that’s just not something Adam can handle from the Drunk Tree Mascot.

Ultimately, though, Brusca has to pull her out of the studio.

9:37 A PROMISE BROKEN

A listener, Casandra, calls in, and reminds Adam that he already promised her the job. Drunken Tree Mascot gets beligerent — she NEEDS that job. Casandra insists she had it first, though. Dave feels like she should come into the studio and square off with Erin to see who truely deserves it.

9:40 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:44 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports news.

ADAM WITH TRACY METRO, DENIS LEARY, ANDY DICK AND JAMIE KENNEDY

ADAM WITH TRACY METRO, DENIS LEARY, ANDY DICK AND JAMIE KENNEDY — 5am to 10am PST, May 23rd, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 PLAYER’S BALL

There’s so many guests, Dave points out, are there actually any topics they’ll discuss if people call in? Or any they simply refuse to? “Legends Fall by Oprah last night,” Teresa says. It kills Adam how narcisisstic Oprah is. She’s got her own magazine, Oprah, and every issue that’s ever come out, Oprah’s face has been on it. How arrogant is that? What if he wanted to release a magazine called Adam, and put his own picture on every issue? It wouldn’t be the same, because he’s not Oprah.

Getting back to the Legends Fall special last night, though. It absolutely killed Dave to watch it, he says. The entire event took place at her estate, and it seemed like every little piece of anything on her estate held some special meaning for her. She’d walk across a bridge, and of course, it reminded her of bridging the gap of intolerance. Not only that, but of all the celebrities at the event, each one had their own waiter. “It was the height of decadance,” Dave howls.

Overall, it was absolutely the worst thing Dave has ever seen on television.

Adam’s problem is this — she acts as if it is incredibly difficult to do what she does, because she’s a black woman. Okay, so you’re a black woman — but you’ve already made it! You’re there! When did you make it? You’ve been on our radar for over 15 years now!

6:12 GAY RICHARD

Gay Richard calls in. He’s a gay man who works at The Home Depot, in the plumbing department. Adam has to toss him a few questions to prove that he actually works in the plumbing department.

Another listener calls in, and he wants Adam to give him the motivation to go to work. He’s been listening to Richard the gay guy, and their talk of Oprah Winfrey, and he really just can’t find the courage to go to work. What does he do, Adam asks? He’s a land surveyor. That’s a good gig, Adam thinks.

6:17 MURRAY THE CRAZY GUY

Crazy Murray calls up to talk to the crew for a bit. Adam asks him some questions about his life. Crazy guys seem to be perpetually thin, no matter how much they eat. It’s like a tradeoff for their brain being mushy and useless. God tells them, “Okay, you won’t be able to think, but you’re going to have six-pack abs.”

6:33 TRACY METRO IN THE STUDIO

Tracy Metro, known to listeners as one of the fill-in news girls, is on the program. Apparently, before Teresa was brought on permanently, Tracy had sent out an email to “everyone in Hollywood” saying that she was getting the job as news girl on the Adam Carolla Show. Brusca tries to stir things up and start a fight with Teresa and Tracy.

They sent Tracy out to a celebrity golf tournament over the weekend, to do some celebrity interviews

6:47 NORMA

Norma comes on the line to ask Adam a construction question.

7:00 BRANDON VERSUS MARK THE POET

It’s now time for The Limerickdome… two men enter, one man leaves. Brandon, Dave’s cousin from Pittsburgh, versus Mark the Poet. Both of them have come up with limericks, and the crew will hear them both and judge the winner.

Mark busts out his limerick, titled “I Stayed Up Until 3am Watching The Man Show Season 3 DVDs”. The crowd goes wild with cheers. Dave feels like Brandon has definitely pushed Mark to up his game.

Now, it’s Brandon’s time to shine. He “retorts” with his poem. “Strong stuff,” Adam says. Teresa feels like he really leaned on the gay theme throughout, but Brandon defends himself — Mark makes it really easy to use that.

Teresa felt like Brandon’s poem went on for too long, and was a little too gay. She’s going to have to go with Mark. Adam would have to give the “Most Improved” to Mark, as well, but overall, he has to give this round to Brandon.

7:21 THE COLD SHOULDERS

Adam passed by their production office during the break to see if his assistant Lindsay was there yet. She wasn’t. But! He did happen to see Big Tad rubbing the shoulders of Intern Larissa. It’s like one of those movies where the damsel has to make love to the evil, disgusting villain. Larissa doesn’t feel like it was an uncomfortable thing, though — after Big Tad walked out, Jaron walked in and started doing the same exact thing. “This is great,” she thought.

7:35 SOME FREE ADVICE

James “Lights Out” Toney gives a young mother some advice about talking to her children.

7:36 NEWS

Former Vice President Al Gore has made a documentary about global warming, which opens in theaters tomorrow. When President Bush was asked if he planned on seeing Gore’s film, Bush responded: “Doubt it.”

Oprah’s “Legends Ball” special aired last night.

The Catholic League has spoken out against Madonna for a new music video.

Former New Jersey Governor McGrievey has a new book coming out, in which he admits to having anonymous sex at rest stops.

7:43 SPORTS

Last night, the L.A. Clippers had their hopes dashed as they were defeated by Phoenix in the Valley of the Suns.

7:58 HOITY TOITY

Yesterday on his way home, Adam thought to himself, do we really need to say “hoity toity” and “fancy schmancy”? Can’t we just say, “hoity”? Or “fancy”? Dave disagrees on the hoity toity, because he likes saying toity. Why not just make it toity toity then? Well, that’s not nearly as fun.

Along these lines, Teresa calls into question “artsy fartsy”. No, no, Adam likes the fartsy part of that.

During the course of this, they realize they’ve stumbled onto amazing sets of names for Adam’s twins.

8:00 TERESA’S ACCEPTANCE SPEECH

Teresa delivers the speech she’ll give to the Los Angeles Press Club if she wins the award she’s been nominated for. Chief Thunderbear is in the studio to translate her speech into his native language.

8:12 DENIS LEARY ON THE PHONE

Denis Leary, a Crank Yankers alumni, is on the line. Adam hasn’t seen Denis since he worked as a stand-in on a movie that Denis was starring in. He remembers that because he managed to snag a few extra days of work. Stand-in work is the greatest gig in the world.

8:14 JAMIE KENNEDY AND STU STONE IN THE STUDIO

Apparently, Denis had a bad cell phone connection — so they rush Jamie Kennedy and Stu Stone into the booth. They have a new show on MTV, where they’ll be attempting to become a legitimate rap group. Basically, Jamie and his friend Stu wanted to be rappers, but nobody took them seriously, so they decided to film it.

Jamie and Stu do a little freestyle rap.

8:30 JARON AND BIG TAD

Jaron isn’t happy about Big Tad putting the moves on Larissa in the production office, so him and Big Tad are in the studio to have a little rap battle about her. Jamie and Stu are going to stay in studio to judge the competition.

Ultimately, Adam, Jamie and Stu all agree that Big Tad is the “least loser.”

8:46 DEAF FRAT GUY IN THE STUDIO

Maverick, a.k.a. the Deaf Frat Guy, is on the program. He got kicked out of his frat, so now he’s decided to start his own fraternity, Delta Fu Gamma. (Check it out, and join Delta Fu Gamma, at http://www.deaffratguy.com.)

He’s mad at Billy, the 17-year-old webmaster of AdamCarolla.com, because he’s supposed to be helping out with DeafFratGuy.com. But it’s not done yet; it’s unprofessional. And when Maverick got to the studio today, Billy wasn’t even there. He didn’t come in because he’s afraid! Billy shouldn’t worry, though, and in fact, Maverick encourages him to come in and pledge to Delta Fu Gamma.

Billy calls in. He swears that the reason he’s not in, is because there was a bad accident on the Metro Green Line and he couldn’t make it to the station. Adam reminds him that he doesn’t want to get on Maverick’s bad side, because he’s the head of one of the only fraternities out there that will take people who don’t even go to the college.

Also, Maverick says that his friend Moose said to mention that the Adam Carolla Show is in grave danger of becoming over-produced. His friend’s dad totally used to work in radio, and he thinks it’s just getting a little too “Morning Zoo”. Look, Adam says. Brusca doesn’t tell Maverick how to run a fraternity. Maverick shouldn’t tell Brusca how to run a radio show. But still, maybe he’s right.

9:11 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:35 ANDY DICK IN THE STUDIO

Andy Dick, star of numerous movies and television shows, is on the program. Adam mentions that Andy was actually arrested at a concert for smoking weed. Who the hell does that, he wonders? Who arrests other people for smoking pot at a concert, and why? Well, it happens, Andy says. This time it was at Coachella. That blows Adam’s mind.

9:50 ASSKISS RODEO

It’s time to play some celebrity asskiss rodeo with Andy Dick.

ADAM WITH FRANK VINCENT, RON JEREMY, TED NUGENT, JONNY DELINQUENT

ADAM WITH FRANK VINCENT, RON JEREMY, TED NUGENT, JONNY DELINQUENT – May 22, 2006 – 5am to 10am, PST

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 PRISON

Adam says that too much varies from state to state when it comes to the age of consent. For a long time, drinking was okay at age 18, and then it changed to age 21. In a number of states, the laws still differ. It shouldn’t be age 17 in Nevada and age 23 in California. There are a lot of differences in from state to state in the age of consent as well.

6:03 CHARITY FUNDRAISER

Adam went to a charity fundraiser on Saturday. He doesn’t like leaving the house to go to anything now for any events, especially when someone expects him to be somewhere. He thinks that people simply like to get together with people of their ilk and feel good about themselves talking about the great things they’re doing with other people doing the same thing.

6:08 HOT PIPING SMOKE

Another attendee of this fundraiser was the Mayor. Apparently, at these charity events, the Mayor of Los Angeles has a guy who brings him onto the stage – they can’t trust some morning radio jockey to not screw it up. And this guy was just blowing piping hot smoke right up the Mayor’s ass. It was about 12-14 minutes of just these ridiculous, overbearing, overblown compliments. How awkward is that for the Mayor, Adam wonders? How much crazy, congratulatory praise can you take before it gets weird?

Adam’s good friend, the mayor of Calabasas, was also in attendance. As we all remember, Adam and the Mayor butted heads on the show not too long ago, regarding the second-hand smoking issue.

6:27 FRANK VINCENT IN THE STUDIO

Frank Vincent, a.k.a Phil Leotardo from The Sopranos, calls in to discuss last night’s episode of the show.

6:36 TERESA’S AWARDS

Teresa’s been nominated for two Los Angeles Press Club awards this year, for her syndicated column. Last year, she points out, she won for a piece about her stepfather’s death.

She tells the story of how she was called upon to plan her stepfather’s funeral. Although she’s Jewish, her stepfather was black, so it was very difficult for her to even know where to begin planning a funeral for him.

This year, her nomination is for a column about her stepmother’s death. Both of her stepparents died the same year, but this time, she didn’t go to the funeral, or have anything to do with it. She won’t win, she says, because it’s not a feel good piece. So it’s great to be nominated.

6:43 CRAZY MURRAY

Crazy Murray calls in to talk a little bit. They talk about giving Murray a $50 Hooters gift certificate, and it reminds Adam about his negative product placement idea. Pay him $50 so he won’t promote your product.

6:47 TERESA’S STEPPARENTS

Adam has to know more about Teresa’s life. It sounds kind-of strange. She spills a little more information. Her step mom told her not to wear seatbelts, and she only ever referred to her in the third person, i.e. “Teresa looks like she’s getting a little chubby.” Very odd.

There’s nothing rewarding about being a stepparent, Adam thinks. Sure, they have the title of parent, but honestly, they haven’t known you very long, and when you act out and put an M-80 in the neighbor’s mailbox, they probably want to beat you just as bad as the neighbor does. They don’t have a vested interest in you.

Dave wants to know, did Teresa resent her biological father for marrying this woman? Well… her and her dad are close. She doesn’t hold it against him or anything.

7:04 HOBOPOWER

It’s time for some hobopower stories.

Ralph is in New York City one winter, and the subway pulled into the station. All the cars were full as usual, except one, which was empty. So naturally, everybody piled into that one car. Of course, once the doors shut, they see this: a bum, laying on a bench, gangrenous, covered in his own feces, laying in a pile of his own feces. And they could not get off of the car.

Adam gives it a 44.

One summer, a caller was working in a hospital as security, and they bring in a homeless crazy man. He had a diaper on, and he was covered in his own fecal matter. He had to stay within 10 feet of the guy, too, because he was security.

Adam gives that a 44 as well.

Darren calls in and disagrees with Adam’s judgment on the first story. “You’re doing it again,” he says – giving out high scores without any vomit being involved. Good point, Adam says. He needs to remember his own rules. To get anything above thirty, you need to vomit.

7:24 GARRET IS VERY HIGH
Garret calls in. He’s on his way to Jack In The Box, and he’s very high. “Get the tacos,” Adam tells him. No way man, he’s getting the breakfast sandwich. Wait, is this guy driving high, Teresa asks? Sure, why not. The advice is this, though: get the apple pie, and get the ultimate breakfast sandwich.

He starts screaming babbabooey and that he loves Howard Stern, but everybody just stays quiet. Finally, he says he loves Adam. Adam says he knew if they let him hang out long enough, he’d come back around.

7:34 NEWS

New Orleans has re-elected Mayor Ray Nagin.

Tommy Hilfiger and Axl Rose got into a fistfight at a New York club, after Tommy got upset about Axl Rose “touching his girlfriend’s drink.”

7:41 SPORTS

Barry “The Creep” Bonds has finally tied Babe Ruth’s record, and he did receive a standing ovation. Dave didn’t like that.

The Ed calls in from Vegas to talk about the results of the Preakness in Baltimore.

7:59 BILLY’S PROM DATE RESULTS

Billy’s back from his prom date over the weekend… and he doesn’t look happy about it. He’s crestfallen, Adam says. What happened? Walk us through it. He didn’t get any, and he didn’t even get to kiss her.

The SUV limo “thing” pulled up to his house, and he got in, wearing his tuxedo. He had his camera with him and such. Speed it up, Dave says. His camera wasn’t reading the memory card right and such, so he couldn’t take any pictures. So they pick up Nicolle, and they head over to the Anaheim Hilton. She looked stunning. They get to the prom, and there were really a lot of communication problems, primarily because Billy hasn’t been in any previous relationships. What specifically was the problem, Dave wonders? He didn’t talk a lot. She was getting on to him to talk, but he just couldn’t do it. Unfortunately, whenever he’s around her, he just locks up. It was very uncomfortable. She suggested that they stop and get some energy drink, to perk him up, but it didn’t work.

Any dancing at this prom, Dave wonders? Not really, no. So, if you weren’t talking, and you weren’t dancing, what the hell was going on? You just sat at the table, giving each other the stink eye, Adam asks? Pretty much.

About two hours into the date, she drops the bomb – she has to be to work at 7am the next morning, so she needs to get home early. Right, of course, Teresa says, because when you work at Baskin-Robbins, it’s critical to be at your best.

Nicolle comes on the line. No sparks, Adam asks? No! He just wouldn’t talk, and he wouldn’t perk up. Billy’s got an idea though; he feels like it was too formal. If he were at the movies or what not, it would be easier to talk. Of course, because you can talk at the movies, Adam says. No kiss goodnight, though? No, no. She’s not sure if that’s what he was expecting, but it didn’t happen.

Ultimately, she wants to keep in touch and hang out with him, as soon as they get the transportation thing squared away. Hanging out, Adam repeats. Hmm. How about a more casual date, though? That’s where Billy really comes alive. She’d be open for that.

Nick the Limo Driver has entered the studio. He was driving their obnoxious SUV. How was their energy? It just wasn’t there, he says. Was there any arguing going on back there? No, no. The trip to the prom seemed like it was the “get to know each other” process, and they got to realize that they were so different from each other. Dave wants to know if they looked like they matched as a couple. You’d think so at first, but once you listen to them talk, not so much. You’d think so at first, Dave asks? He didn’t; not at all.

8:28 OZZIE REVIEWS THE DA VINCI CODE

Oswaldo gives us his impression of the new Tom Hanks movie, “The Da Vinci Code”.

8:44 RON JEREMY IN THE STUDIO

Ron Jeremy, famous porn star, is on the program to promote Boondock Saints. He’s also here to give Billy a little advice.

Teresa’s heard women mention that Ron is amazing at oral sex. Billy may not need this tip now, but for the future… how does he do it? He’s got to work hard to clean this up for radio, but you need to “lick the alphabet.” And you need to make sure you do it all for her. She shouldn’t even “see it” until she’s had at least one orgasm.

9:13 TED NUGENT ON THE PHONE

Ted Nugent, a.k.a The Nuge, is on the line. “Are you calling from Michigan,” Adam asks? No, actually, he’s calling in from Crawford, Texas, and they’re heading out again tomorrow. Doing a little touring, eh? No, Ted says – they never do anything little.

Adam and Ted riff a bit about Ted’s new show, “Supergroup”.

9:31 JOHNNY DELINQUENT

David Valdez is on the line, from prison. He’s serving time for conspiracy to commit murder. They’ve got him in maximum security, and he’s doing life, he says. Thirteen years in so far, too – he went in around 1993. He didn’t actually murder anybody, either; they say he solicited someone to murder someone else. The story goes, he talked to a guy at a bar that was wearing a wire, and before he knew it, the FBI tagged him and tossed him in the joint.

So, what happened, Adam asks? Didn’t have good representation? No, no, he did – he had Shapiro’s law firm. But unfortunately, that was around the time O.J. Simpson got arrested, so all the attention got shifted to him.

How does a typical day go for you, Adam wonders? Well of course, he wakes up to Adam in the morning, and he does landscaping at the prison throughout his day. They can get the radio show at the prison? Oh, definitely! It’s helping him through a rough time.

A huge downside of being in prison now, David says, is that they’ve taken away the rights to conjugal visits.

David puts another prisoner on the line. “What are you in for,” Adam asks? Murder. Wow, fantabulous. Did you actually kill a guy? Oh yeah. You gotta do what you gotta do. He used to listen to Adam on Loveline back in the day, and he loves the new show, too. Adam’s big in prisons, he’s finding out. He needs to get those guys some Arbitron ratings books.

9:40 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:43 SPORTS RECAP

Dave quickly recaps the sports, despite many interruptions.

ADAM WITH JOE GANNASCOLLI, JOSE CONSECO, PEREZ HILTON, CC DEVILLE AND WEEK 3 OF THE ADAM CAROLLA TRIVIA CHALLENGE

ADAM WITH JOE GANNASCOLLI, JOSE CONSECO, PEREZ HILTON, CC DEVILLE AND WEEK 3 OF THE ADAM CAROLLA TRIVIA CHALLENGE — 5am to 10am PST, May 19, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 MO VS. THE WORLD

Today, Mo Dameshek, Dave’s very own mother, will be going up against challengers to see who, if anyone, can defeat her in a trivia contest about the Adam Carolla Show. The winner gets $1,000 for today, plus the $1,000 that went unclaimed last week, for a total of $2,000. If nobody can beat her, the cash rolls over, and next week, people compete for $3,000.

Dave says his mother feels ashamed. She feels it means she has no life.

6:06 “SHOTGUN” TOM KELLY IN STUDIO

“Shotgun” Tom is on the program this morning, from K-EARTH 101. He’s going to be emceeing the trivia contest today. Adam’s got to say, he got into radio… well, not because of Shotgun. But because of people like him, around that era.

6:09 PRE-SCREENING

They’re going to do a pre-screening, to try and get a few contestants ready for the trivia contest.

6:27 JOE GANASCOLLI ON THE PHONE

Joe Ganascolli, also known as Gay Vito from The Sopranos, is on the line to chat a little about the show.

6:45 BILLY’S PROM DATE

Billy Moses is in the studio to discuss his prom date tomorrow. He picked Nicolle during the competition earlier this week, so they give her a call to see what’s going on. She says she’s very excited to head out tomorrow! The limo’s picking them up at 6:30, the prom starts at seven, and goes until midnight.

They go over their choices of prom clothing. Billy’s going to be sporting a black tuxedo, and Nicolle is wearing an elegant pink dress with black shoes. Teresa thinks that sounds okay, but she definitely recommends switching to metallic shoes, like a gold, or a silver. Nicole exclaims “Thank you!” for the tip.

Apparently, though, Nicolle was supposed to be in studio today, but she couldn’t make it, and it got Billy into a fight with Brusca. In addition, Dave points out, Billy wrote on the message board that Brusca needs more sex. They’re making him out to be a tyrant, Brusca says.

Brusca points out that while Billy told Nicolle the limo is picking them up at 6:30, they don’t actually have a limo. Their limo company was all booked up because of prom season, so they haven’t been able to secure one. Billy amusingly suggests he can pick her up the same way he gets to the station each morning: on the Metro. It kills the mood when you’re trying to feel up your prom date, and there’s a smelly hobo next to you, Adam thinks. They want a limo driver who can take care of Billy and Nicolle to call in and book it.

7:08 NEWS

Teresa reports the morning’s news.

7:18 SPORTS

Dave goes over the sports, and Jose Conseco calls in to talk with him for a bit.

7:28 NHL PLAYER OR TECH STOCK?

It’s time for Dave to play a spirited round of NHL Player, or Tech Stock with some callers, to win tickets to the NHL play-offs.

7:43 THE TRIVIA CONTEST ROLLS ON

It’s time to continue the trivia contest! Mo Dameshek calls in to taunt her opponents. (Incidentally, “Shotgun” Tom Kelly is in the booth, and he’s brought a bobblehead of himself. Dave feels like Adam should have a bobblehead.)

They plow through a few questions with some callers.

8:04 PEREZ HILTON ON THE PHONE

Perez Hilton comes on the line to do his Hollywood Update. His website, perezhilton.com, gets a staggering number of hits per day, proving that something is wrong with society, Adam says.

8:19 BIG TAD’S KID

Big Tad is in the studio, to talk more about his alleged 5-year-old child. He’s been asked to begin paying child support for a kid he didn’t even know he had, but it’s definitely possible that it’s his. The woman he allegedly had the child with is living with someone else right now, and she has another child, an 8-year-old.

They bring Big Tad’s attorney on the phone. When you’re served with these kinds of papers, he says, the first thing you need to do is find an attorney that handles these particular cases, so they can go through the proper channels to establish paternity. You shouldn’t attempt to contact the mother/father of the child; they need to figure out if you even know this person. Sometimes, they target the wrong guy or girl.

Secondly, you have to determine motive. The child is five years old already, so it’s very uncertain at this point what the mother’s motive is for tracking Big Tad down. But regardless of motive, you’ve got to establish paternity through a DNA test. The cost of a paternity test is $600, but the person being tested usually does not have to pay — the money is fronted by the county. Teresa is confused, though. What would compel her to get a DNA sample from her child and provide it for the test? Most likely, he says, she’s receiving aide money from the county, and they are forcing her to try and obtain child support. We don’t even know at this point whether or not she’ll be receiving the support herself; it may be going to the county. If she refuses in that case, the county will cut off her benefits. If she refuses in any case, though, it may be grounds for a dismissal of the case.

8:38 CC DEVILLE IN THE STUDIO

CC DeVille, best known as the lead guitarist from the glam band Poison, is on the program. They play a few voicemails CC left for Mike August, Power Booker, illustrating how desperate he was to get on the show. Obviously, he’s back on the drugs, Adam says.

He met up with Poison in Los Angeles when he was around 24 years old. They started in Pennsylvania, but quickly ended up in L.A., so he hooked up with them on the Sunset Strip. Back then, he felt like he had to take a crash course in rock n’ roll, so he hit the drugs and booze pretty hard. He was under the impression that to be a rocker, you had to spend your whole life nearly dead.

9:09 LYNETTE ON THE PHONE

Adam’s wife Lynette is on the line to talk about how pregnant she is. Dave apologizes to her for the Cheechoo/Teemu bit; he’s heard rumors she hates it. Hate’s too strong of a word, though. It’s more like, loathe.

9:16 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:21 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports news.

9:33 THE TRIVIA CONTEST

It’s finally time. Mo Dameshek vs. The World. The trivia contest semi-finals. Johnny versus Anna. The first to three correct answers here moves on to battle Mo Dameshek for $2,000.

After an intense battle, Johnny moves on to face Mo. Now it’s showtime.

Johnny starts off good, but is stumped by a little Deaf Frat Guy trivia. Mo sweeps in for the steal. The final question is a tricky one: what is Adam’s racist slang for the Mexican version of an Uncle Tom? Johnny struggles, and can’t pull it out. Mo confidently proclaims that she knows what it is. Uncle Tom-bien! Correct! Mo Dameshek takes it home again!

Today’s $1,000 rolls in with the $1,000 from the last two, for a total of $3,000 on the line next week!

ADAM WITH ALLEN COVERT, DOUG HALL AND THE GIBSON GUITAR-OFF

ADAM WITH ALLEN COVERT, DOUG HALL AND THE GIBSON GUITAR-OFF — 5am to 10am PST, May 18, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 TALK EARLIER

Adam tries to read the phone number, he stumbles over a few of the numbers. This makes him realize he really needs to start talking to people earlier in the morning. His situation is a little different from, say, Brusca, who walks downstairs into what amounts to an IHOP in his kitchen. He gets up, and makes himself some breakfast — it’s a bit like solitary. If he makes a hot breakfast, his dog Molly will join him. But if it’s cold breakfast, she’ll pass on it.

His dog is a food snob, Dave points out.

6:08 RICH MAN, POOR MAN

They’re going to play a little Rich Man, Poor Man. Teresa has gone onto the Adam Carolla Message Board and into the emails, and people have submitted some really good ones. Adam says he was fully prepared to be disappointed by the online contributions, but so far, it’s all been great.

They take a few calls from people who have Rich Man, Poor Man scenarios.

6:12 A DELICATE SITUATION

A listener calls in; he was riding his bike yesterday, and found himself singing a Cheechoo/Teemu song. Don’t get to bringing that up, Dave says. He doesn’t know if anyone has heard yet, but… the Sharks were eliminated. No more Cheechoo.

6:18 SPEAK UP

Adam remembers a movie not too long ago with Ben Stiller and Jennifer Aniston, where he was a risk manager, and she was a free spirit, and she managed to convince him to become more like her. What a ridiculous concept. At what point during the production of these movies do they just ignore the script? Adam pretty much knows how it works now, though. They attach a few stars, and then the script is a moot point. Teresa points out that movie he was thinking of is Along Came Polly.

A listener calls up — rich men make those terrible movies, and poor men actually enjoy them.

6:34 ALLEN COVERT IN THE STUDIO

Allen Covert, described by Adam as “the guy in every Adam Sandler movie”, is on the program. He was one of their original guests, and Adam’s happy that they’ve been on long enough to have him back.

During the break, Allen was telling Adam and Dave about a time recently when his cousin was attacked by an alligator in the Everglades of Florida. Not unsurprisingly, he was trying to show off for some rich people who he was giving a tour on his fan boat.

Adam Sandler and co. pretty much stick to the same group of people every movie, Allen says. Allen’s in all the movies, and the same person/people write each one, etc.

7:13 HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS

It’s time to play Hypothetical Questions with Allen Covert.

Who would you rather be in a car with on a cross-country trip? The guy who is a DJ at a strip club, or the guy who swims every day? The guy who swims every day. Wrong, that guy is way too annoying.

The sales guy who learns your name, then repeats it over, and over, and over, or the cop who uses way too many words in a sentence? Allen picks the cop. That’s incorrect, Adam says. Allen begs to differ. You could try and get the cop drunk, and use his badge to pull over hot girls. Plus, he could flash the tin and get you out of tickets.

The homeless black guy, versus the homeless white guy. The white guy has the dog with a bandana on it. The black guy just tells crazy stories. Allen picks the black guy, and that’s definitely correct, Adam says.

7:28 NEWS

Yesterday, the Senate passed a bill authorizing the construction of a fence between the border of the U.S. and Mexico. The estimated cost is $900 million.

7:38 SPORTS

Sadly, the San Jose Sharks were eliminated from the playoffs.

7:55 DOUG HALL IN THE STUDIO

Doug Hall, a judge on the show American Inventor, is on the program. When it comes to inventing, Doug thinks, there’s a fine line between genius and stupidity. And they get to walk that line on every show.

According to some statistics, there are eighteen products in the average home that Doug Hall has either invented or had a hand in inventing. That’s true, Doug says, but you have to remember — he’s worked with Proctor & Gamble, and Gatorade, just as two examples. Adam wonders if there’s any potential in “Gay-torade”, the sports drink for gay people. There’s potential in everything, Doug thinks. But just because it exists, doesn’t mean it makes money. 95% of all products released onto the market, fail.

Adam runs through a few ideas he has for inventions.

8:18 MAVERICK IN THE STUDIO

The Deaf Frat Guy, a.k.a. Maverick, is in the studio. He’s decided to start his own fraternity, Delta Fu Gamma. That’s DFG, Teresa points out. Deaf Frat Guy. Nice! He’s also got his own website for the frat, deaffratguy.com. Teresa notices that he seems to be the only member of his fraternity. Maverick stresses that Moose is totally going to join up.

8:37 BIG TAD’S BIG ANNOUNCEMENT

Big Tad’s got a bombshell to drop, and apparently, everybody in the building but Adam and Dave know. Dave is really hoping that the announcement isn’t that Big Tad is just Tyra Banks in a fat suit.

Apparently, Big Tad… might have a kid. He might have a son out there somewhere. It was about five or six years ago. On Friday, he was served paperwork for child support. Back then, he found out that a girl he had slept with might be pregnant. He said, of course, he’s going to do the honorable thing. But the girl said that she didn’t want anything from him, and didn’t want anything to do with him. Now, apparently, she wants money.

Jimmy Kimmel calls in to discuss it. The idea to air it out on the show came from Tad asking Jimmy what he thought they should do.

A listener, Jim, calls in. His wife runs a mobile DNA testing lab, and she could drive it over tomorrow to do the testing. Kimmel definitely thinks they should stretch this out for a month. This is one of those gifts that only comes around once every 6 or 7 years.

Shanna calls in. She knows Big Tad’s ex-lover, and she knows this potential son. And the kid looks a lot like Tad. Just like him, in fact, except half Mexican. Why wait this long for all of this to come out, though, Adam wonders? Shanna doesn’t know why it’s taken so long.

She’s going to try and get Geena, the mother of Big Tad’s alleged child, on the phone.

9:17 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:22 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports news.

9:31 THE GUITAR-OFF

It’s time for the Gibson Guitar-Off. The three contestants, Ricky, Gustava and Rafe, will all play the same riff, and the winner will receive a $1,000 Gibson guitar. For extra credit, they can play a little of their favorite song, only changed to Cheechoo/Teemu.

When the decision comes in, it’s unanimous — Rafe is the winner!

ADAM WITH CHRISTIAN, PAT O’BRIEN, CHRISTINE DULCE AND KANE

ADAM WITH CHRISTIAN, PAT O’BRIEN, CHRISTINE DULCE AND KANE — 5am to 10am PST, May 17, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 NOT A FAN

Dave’s sporting a Cheechoo t-shirt this morning, and it reminds Adam that his wife hates the Cheechoo/Teemu bit. She feels like it’s played out. Although, she does credit Dave for “How say you?”, and says it constantly in a Dameshek voice around the house. Adam swears he came up with that, but she argues with him.

The fishtank agrees with Dave.

6:03 PAULA IS CRAZY

Speaking of the fishtank, Randy Jackson’s dog pound was in full effect last night on American Idol. And Paula was just as crazy, Adam points out. She even managed to not finish a sentence at one point, turning back to Randy and asking him to finish her sentence.

6:10 STANK

A listener calls up and asks how to tell a female co-worker that she’s got a bad smell. Adam thinks the best way is to tell the woman that he heard a female caller on Loveline talk about a bad smell, and Dr. Drew thought it could be a harmful infection.

6:13 CHRISTIAN THE 13-YEAR-OLD COMEDIAN

Christian checks in after his comedy debut last week. Dave reminds everyone that Christian slaughtered at the Improv, and pulled a standing ovation. It’s been a new life for him, Christian says. One of his teachers was actually at the show, and told everybody at school about how it went.

He’ll be in the 9th grade soon — that’s high school now. It used to be Junior High. Adam feels like it’s a bad idea to toss those 9th graders into the same school as a bunch of high school seniors. He’s confident that many 9th graders have been deflowered by senior guys, because they can pull it off: “She goes to my school.”

Christian does a little stand-up for the crew.

6:30 WHAT CAN’T ADAM COMPLAIN ABOUT?

It’s time for Adam to play a spirited round of What Can’t Adam Complain About?
6:54 PEE OH BEE

Pat O’Brien calls in to chat. He thinks that Adam should do “What Would Adam Do?” Adam points out that Pat wouldn’t do that bit; he’d want to tell you what Jesus would complain about, and he’d want to tell you, coming up in 22 minutes. Pat says that the other day, Lee Majors walked up to him on the street, and without introducing himself or saying hello, he just said “Why are things always coming up in 21 minutes? Why not 22 or 24?”

Dave proposes something to Pat. Not only did Adam already do “What Would Adam Do?” back on The Man Show, but the bit was written by Dave. That means Dave and Pat think alike. That being said, can Dave come to the Christmas party?

No.

Dang.

7:09 THE QUEEN OF MYSPACE

Christine Dulce, the Queen of Myspace, is in the studio. She’s got over 900,000 friends on the website MySpace.com.

She gives some tips on a scenario that Adam puts forth (admittedly, it’s a stretch): If they’re all at a bar, and she’s with her friends, and Adam want to extricate her from the group, how would he do it? Her biggest tip: don’t be a one-upper. Teresa isn’t sure what that means.

A couple listeners call in. One of them thinks Christine has got to be high, and the other swears she’s got to be super hot, because she sounds super dumb.

7:26 WIN A GUITAR

Adam announces their second Gibson giveaway: call in, play a lick of It Wasn’t Me by George Thorogood, and come in tomorrow for a chance to win a $1,000 Gibson guitar.

7:28 SHE BE ALL SMART AND STUFF

Some more callers weigh in on the intelligence of the previous guest.

7:31 NEWS

Mexico warned yesterday that if National Guard troops detain migrants on the border, the government of Mexico will file lawsuits on their behalf in the United States.

On American Idol last night, Katherine McPhee dazzled with her song “Somewhere Over The Rainbow.”

Alec Baldwin had his debut as a radio host last night, and it did not work out very well.

7:37 SPORTS

NBA.
The Suns took it home last night in double overtime at game 5 of the NBA playoffs.

MLB.
Dodgers lost.
Padres lost.
Mariners lost.

NHL.
Oilers lead the Sharks in the Stanley Cup race.

7:49 KANE

Kane, a wrestler from the WWE, is in studio. Of course, that means that Big Tad is in the studio as well. Apparently, Kane flips out when he hears the date May 19th. Big Tad mocks him a few times by saying it — Kane picks him right up out of his chair and tosses him on the ground.

Kane will be appearing in the new movie See No Evil.

8:08 THE JERK REPORT

It’s time for Dave to out the jerks for this week.

Remember those old Dockers commercials? The ones with the close-ups of the guys pants? Those are gone now, but they have a whole new batch — chance run-ins. Romantic encounters between strangers. And the song they use is awful. They’ve got the one where the two people on other trains see each other, and they run off the trains and meet each other. Stop creating these fantasies for men! Reality: she’d call him a stalker. Dockers… JERKS!

Of course, it’s not just Dave watching out for jerks. He’s got the Rebel Alliance out there, watching for jerks all over. opasewq writes in from the Adam Carolla Message Board: She wants to give Juan Pierre a Get-Out-of-Jerk Free Card for stealing a home run opportunity from Barry Bonds. Another one goes to the person who hit Bonds with a baseball.

rowebot from the Message Board is upset about Paris Hilton not even knowing the name of her own video game at E3. Paris Hilton… JERK!

Dave accidentally calls someone a creep instead of a jerk… so he calls himself a jerk.

Brian Burwell reported that Barry Bonds is unliked because he’s a jerk. Yes, Dave knows that Brian — because HE SAID IT. Brian… JERK!

People have been complaining to Big Tad that Brusca is unfriendly in the hallway. Even Billy, the 17-year-old webmaster, said that Brusca was rude, and he requested Brusca be added to the Jerk Report. Brusca… JERKS!

The Dodgers requested Adam Carolla come out and see their new box seats… Adam’s assistant responded that his wife was pregnant, and he couldn’t make it, so what about sending Dave Dameshek? They responded… we’ll wait for Adam. What an outrage! The Dodgers… JERKS!

And now, it’s time for the Creep of the Week. For the fifteenth straight week.

BARRY BONDS!

This is another one from the Adam Carolla Message Board. Last Sunday, it was Breast Cancer Awareness Day. They were all using pink bats and wearing wristbands to show their support. But not only did he not use a pink bat, but he didn’t wear the wristband either. As opasewq on the Boards points out, this means that he not only hates women, but he loves cancer.

Jeff calls in. He wants to add a few people to the Jerk Report — Lakers fans who are turning up wearing Clippers gear at the playoffs. Very good call, Dave says. You chose your team! Don’t turn coat!

8:29 THE RIFFS

It’s time to let the callers come on and try out for a chance to win the Gibson guitar.

8:51 WHAT?

Sometimes, Adam will pick up the phone and hit Talk, put it to his ear, and… hear nothing. It’s one of those things where you are confused for a second. Finally, you say… hello? And you hear Ozzie. That’s how it works. It’s always Ozzie.

8:52 HOW LAZY IS THAT

Adam was just in the bathroom at the urinal, and there was a sales guy at the one next to him. And he was leaning on the divider between the urinals. How lazy is that? He’s not sure if the guy was drunk or just tired of looking at his own wang.

Speaking of those dividers, they could be a little taller, couldn’t they? Adam’s 6′2″, and when he’s in there, he can certainly see a short guys’ wangus. Let’s make those taller.

8:53 VIVA

When Adam is at the station, any time he goes into the bathroom, there’s someone pissing. If we could harness that power using some sort of hydroelectric plant, we could light up Las Vegas. We need to find ways to harness not only the power of people urinating, put the power of people crapping, as well. Can we find some method to burn human waste and use it for power?

9:07 PSA

Over the break, Adam heard KLSX play a commercial for the Click It Or Ticket campaign. He’s not sure if all the affiliates played it, so he has Bill play it now. The only message they give you in that is, put your seatbelt on and slow down. Do we really need to hear that? How about, turn right when the intersection is clear, even if the light is red.

9:10 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:23 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports news.

9:39 EUGENE FROM SPAIN

Eugene from Spain, who called in yesterday, sent in a Cheechoo/Teemu song. They play a bit of it.