ADAM WITH FRANK VINCENT, RON JEREMY, TED NUGENT, JONNY DELINQUENT – May 22, 2006 – 5am to 10am, PST

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into the Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 PRISON

Adam says that too much varies from state to state when it comes to the age of consent. For a long time, drinking was okay at age 18, and then it changed to age 21. In a number of states, the laws still differ. It shouldn’t be age 17 in Nevada and age 23 in California. There are a lot of differences in from state to state in the age of consent as well.

6:03 CHARITY FUNDRAISER

Adam went to a charity fundraiser on Saturday. He doesn’t like leaving the house to go to anything now for any events, especially when someone expects him to be somewhere. He thinks that people simply like to get together with people of their ilk and feel good about themselves talking about the great things they’re doing with other people doing the same thing.

6:08 HOT PIPING SMOKE

Another attendee of this fundraiser was the Mayor. Apparently, at these charity events, the Mayor of Los Angeles has a guy who brings him onto the stage – they can’t trust some morning radio jockey to not screw it up. And this guy was just blowing piping hot smoke right up the Mayor’s ass. It was about 12-14 minutes of just these ridiculous, overbearing, overblown compliments. How awkward is that for the Mayor, Adam wonders? How much crazy, congratulatory praise can you take before it gets weird?

Adam’s good friend, the mayor of Calabasas, was also in attendance. As we all remember, Adam and the Mayor butted heads on the show not too long ago, regarding the second-hand smoking issue.

6:27 FRANK VINCENT IN THE STUDIO

Frank Vincent, a.k.a Phil Leotardo from The Sopranos, calls in to discuss last night’s episode of the show.

6:36 TERESA’S AWARDS

Teresa’s been nominated for two Los Angeles Press Club awards this year, for her syndicated column. Last year, she points out, she won for a piece about her stepfather’s death.

She tells the story of how she was called upon to plan her stepfather’s funeral. Although she’s Jewish, her stepfather was black, so it was very difficult for her to even know where to begin planning a funeral for him.

This year, her nomination is for a column about her stepmother’s death. Both of her stepparents died the same year, but this time, she didn’t go to the funeral, or have anything to do with it. She won’t win, she says, because it’s not a feel good piece. So it’s great to be nominated.

6:43 CRAZY MURRAY

Crazy Murray calls in to talk a little bit. They talk about giving Murray a $50 Hooters gift certificate, and it reminds Adam about his negative product placement idea. Pay him $50 so he won’t promote your product.

6:47 TERESA’S STEPPARENTS

Adam has to know more about Teresa’s life. It sounds kind-of strange. She spills a little more information. Her step mom told her not to wear seatbelts, and she only ever referred to her in the third person, i.e. “Teresa looks like she’s getting a little chubby.” Very odd.

There’s nothing rewarding about being a stepparent, Adam thinks. Sure, they have the title of parent, but honestly, they haven’t known you very long, and when you act out and put an M-80 in the neighbor’s mailbox, they probably want to beat you just as bad as the neighbor does. They don’t have a vested interest in you.

Dave wants to know, did Teresa resent her biological father for marrying this woman? Well… her and her dad are close. She doesn’t hold it against him or anything.

7:04 HOBOPOWER

It’s time for some hobopower stories.

Ralph is in New York City one winter, and the subway pulled into the station. All the cars were full as usual, except one, which was empty. So naturally, everybody piled into that one car. Of course, once the doors shut, they see this: a bum, laying on a bench, gangrenous, covered in his own feces, laying in a pile of his own feces. And they could not get off of the car.

Adam gives it a 44.

One summer, a caller was working in a hospital as security, and they bring in a homeless crazy man. He had a diaper on, and he was covered in his own fecal matter. He had to stay within 10 feet of the guy, too, because he was security.

Adam gives that a 44 as well.

Darren calls in and disagrees with Adam’s judgment on the first story. “You’re doing it again,” he says – giving out high scores without any vomit being involved. Good point, Adam says. He needs to remember his own rules. To get anything above thirty, you need to vomit.

7:24 GARRET IS VERY HIGH
Garret calls in. He’s on his way to Jack In The Box, and he’s very high. “Get the tacos,” Adam tells him. No way man, he’s getting the breakfast sandwich. Wait, is this guy driving high, Teresa asks? Sure, why not. The advice is this, though: get the apple pie, and get the ultimate breakfast sandwich.

He starts screaming babbabooey and that he loves Howard Stern, but everybody just stays quiet. Finally, he says he loves Adam. Adam says he knew if they let him hang out long enough, he’d come back around.

7:34 NEWS

New Orleans has re-elected Mayor Ray Nagin.

Tommy Hilfiger and Axl Rose got into a fistfight at a New York club, after Tommy got upset about Axl Rose “touching his girlfriend’s drink.”

7:41 SPORTS

Barry “The Creep” Bonds has finally tied Babe Ruth’s record, and he did receive a standing ovation. Dave didn’t like that.

The Ed calls in from Vegas to talk about the results of the Preakness in Baltimore.

7:59 BILLY’S PROM DATE RESULTS

Billy’s back from his prom date over the weekend… and he doesn’t look happy about it. He’s crestfallen, Adam says. What happened? Walk us through it. He didn’t get any, and he didn’t even get to kiss her.

The SUV limo “thing” pulled up to his house, and he got in, wearing his tuxedo. He had his camera with him and such. Speed it up, Dave says. His camera wasn’t reading the memory card right and such, so he couldn’t take any pictures. So they pick up Nicolle, and they head over to the Anaheim Hilton. She looked stunning. They get to the prom, and there were really a lot of communication problems, primarily because Billy hasn’t been in any previous relationships. What specifically was the problem, Dave wonders? He didn’t talk a lot. She was getting on to him to talk, but he just couldn’t do it. Unfortunately, whenever he’s around her, he just locks up. It was very uncomfortable. She suggested that they stop and get some energy drink, to perk him up, but it didn’t work.

Any dancing at this prom, Dave wonders? Not really, no. So, if you weren’t talking, and you weren’t dancing, what the hell was going on? You just sat at the table, giving each other the stink eye, Adam asks? Pretty much.

About two hours into the date, she drops the bomb – she has to be to work at 7am the next morning, so she needs to get home early. Right, of course, Teresa says, because when you work at Baskin-Robbins, it’s critical to be at your best.

Nicolle comes on the line. No sparks, Adam asks? No! He just wouldn’t talk, and he wouldn’t perk up. Billy’s got an idea though; he feels like it was too formal. If he were at the movies or what not, it would be easier to talk. Of course, because you can talk at the movies, Adam says. No kiss goodnight, though? No, no. She’s not sure if that’s what he was expecting, but it didn’t happen.

Ultimately, she wants to keep in touch and hang out with him, as soon as they get the transportation thing squared away. Hanging out, Adam repeats. Hmm. How about a more casual date, though? That’s where Billy really comes alive. She’d be open for that.

Nick the Limo Driver has entered the studio. He was driving their obnoxious SUV. How was their energy? It just wasn’t there, he says. Was there any arguing going on back there? No, no. The trip to the prom seemed like it was the “get to know each other” process, and they got to realize that they were so different from each other. Dave wants to know if they looked like they matched as a couple. You’d think so at first, but once you listen to them talk, not so much. You’d think so at first, Dave asks? He didn’t; not at all.

8:28 OZZIE REVIEWS THE DA VINCI CODE

Oswaldo gives us his impression of the new Tom Hanks movie, “The Da Vinci Code”.

8:44 RON JEREMY IN THE STUDIO

Ron Jeremy, famous porn star, is on the program to promote Boondock Saints. He’s also here to give Billy a little advice.

Teresa’s heard women mention that Ron is amazing at oral sex. Billy may not need this tip now, but for the future… how does he do it? He’s got to work hard to clean this up for radio, but you need to “lick the alphabet.” And you need to make sure you do it all for her. She shouldn’t even “see it” until she’s had at least one orgasm.

9:13 TED NUGENT ON THE PHONE

Ted Nugent, a.k.a The Nuge, is on the line. “Are you calling from Michigan,” Adam asks? No, actually, he’s calling in from Crawford, Texas, and they’re heading out again tomorrow. Doing a little touring, eh? No, Ted says – they never do anything little.

Adam and Ted riff a bit about Ted’s new show, “Supergroup”.

9:31 JOHNNY DELINQUENT

David Valdez is on the line, from prison. He’s serving time for conspiracy to commit murder. They’ve got him in maximum security, and he’s doing life, he says. Thirteen years in so far, too – he went in around 1993. He didn’t actually murder anybody, either; they say he solicited someone to murder someone else. The story goes, he talked to a guy at a bar that was wearing a wire, and before he knew it, the FBI tagged him and tossed him in the joint.

So, what happened, Adam asks? Didn’t have good representation? No, no, he did – he had Shapiro’s law firm. But unfortunately, that was around the time O.J. Simpson got arrested, so all the attention got shifted to him.

How does a typical day go for you, Adam wonders? Well of course, he wakes up to Adam in the morning, and he does landscaping at the prison throughout his day. They can get the radio show at the prison? Oh, definitely! It’s helping him through a rough time.

A huge downside of being in prison now, David says, is that they’ve taken away the rights to conjugal visits.

David puts another prisoner on the line. “What are you in for,” Adam asks? Murder. Wow, fantabulous. Did you actually kill a guy? Oh yeah. You gotta do what you gotta do. He used to listen to Adam on Loveline back in the day, and he loves the new show, too. Adam’s big in prisons, he’s finding out. He needs to get those guys some Arbitron ratings books.

9:40 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:43 SPORTS RECAP

Dave quickly recaps the sports, despite many interruptions.