ADAM WITH BRIAN TEE, KELLY PICKLER, BONNIE JILL LAFLIN AND THE FLAPSTEAK SHOWDOWN

ADAM WITH BRIAN TEE, KELLY PICKLER, BONNIE JILL LAFLIN AND THE FLAPSTEAK SHOWDOWN — 5am to 10am PST, June 16, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

After today, The Adam Carolla Show will be on summer break until July 5th, 2006. Best-of will air until that time. New podcasts will resume once the show is live again.

6:00 EXTRAS

Adam’s going to be shooting a boxing movie, starting on Sunday. It’s going to be a lot of fun, and they’re going to need people in the audience, so if you want to be in it, go to AdamCarolla.com and you can get all the information on that. Adam’ll say hi to you, and you’ll eat for free.

6:04 ARSONIST, OR JACKASS?

When you watch the news, you see something like “Flames in Temecula”, and they’ll say things like, “Arsonist in Temecula.” Well, look guys. We can see that it’s an arsonist, because it’s a fire. Why not say, “Jackass in Temecula”? That’s what they are. Jackasses. Let’s just start insulting or shaming these people. They can show their work, and say, “This was obviously the work of a douchebag.” That’ll cut down on crime.

6:07 QUOTABLE TERESA

While Adam is going to be shooting his movie, and Dave is going to a game, Teresa managed to get into the papers with a quote from her show “How to Get the Guy.” It’s right below a quote from Jimmy Kimmel, too!

This, of course, prompts Adam to dig out one of his old Man Show reviews, which was far less than favorable. Reading the reviews, it’s very obvious what the problem was — the reviewer hated Adam Carolla and Jimmy Kimmel. The same guy reviewed the new Man Show after Adam and Jimmy left, and talked about how much better it was. And, what really blows Adam’s mind, is that the guy said one of the big problems with Adam was that he didn’t look good enough for TV. Not good looking enough? He’s a comedian! There are no good looking male comedians!

And what’s up with reviewers who are completely outside the target demographic for a show, Adam asks? Why would you send some old, bitter queen to review a show meant for straight frat guys? Would you also send someone who’s allergic to shellfish to review a seafood restaurant?

6:20 BARRY

Listener Barry calls in. He thinks Adam looks like Gilbert Gottfried. Adam thinks he looks like crap.

6:32 BRIAN TEE IN THE STUDIO

Brian Tee, a.k.a. DK from the new movie The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift, is on the program. Adam needs a little clarification on what “drifting” is. It’s basically a controlled slide. Do they have to bald the tires for that, Adam wonders? They do a little, Brian answers, but not much. It’s just a different style of driving that you’ve got to learn.

Apparently, Brian is driving a new American car now, because he wrecked and rolled his old Toyota. Rolling a car is on Adam’s list of things to do before he dies, along with jumping into the water with a knife in his teeth, having a cape removed from him as he walks on stage, and others.

Last night, Adam saw a commercial for this movie, and noticed that Vin Diesel is in it. What happened there? He wasn’t in number two. Well, the story behind that, Brian says, is that Vin saw an early cut of the film, and loved it so much he asked if they could insert him in. And of course, they found a way.

6:50 GAY BAR OR SPORTS CAR

And now, it’s time to play a spirited round of Gay Bar, or Sports Car — callers have to guess whether or not the name is of a sports car, or a gay bar?

7:04 NEWS

Teresa covers the news.

7:21 SPORTS

Dave covers the sports news.

7:42 THE FIRST ANNUAL FLAPSTEAK SHOWDOWN

David Alan Grier is in the studio, getting ready for his cook-off with Oswaldo. Unfortunately, Oswaldo isn’t in the building yet. If he doesn’t show, is that a forfeit, DAG asks? Definitely, Adam says.

Oswaldo comes on the line. He’s on La Brea, apparently on his way to the station. He marinated his steak last night, and he’s confident he’s going to take this one home. Adam wants to ensure that they’re starting with the same meat. Definitely, it’s going to be a fair fight.

To kick off the competition, Mike Dawson comes on and announces the fighters as they enter the ring. DAG has to start talking a little trash before it begins, of course.

The fighters head up to the roof to square off!

8:00 MISTER BRIGHTSIDE

Last time Adam tried to play Mr. Brightside, where Adam tries to look on the bright side of things, rather than complaining, things didn’t go well. The first caller just angered him to no end, and he was just too worked up to look on the brighter side of things.

Dave mentions that he hopes the callers are on their A-game this time, because Adam needs all the help he can get at this game. “Excuse me,” Adam says, “I don’t need you judging me.”

Janet comes on the line. She’s fat and everyone thinks she sounds like a man. First off, Adam says, black guys dig her. Second, she’s not going to get old and ugly. Adam sits and watches TV every night, seeing all these women who were hot back in their prime, but now they’re ugly. People are going to see Janet later in life and say, “Wow, I still don’t want to F her.” She was fat at 24, she’ll be fat at 34, and so on. Do you have cats, Adam asks? Yes, three of them. Of course. Also, she’s 217 and 5 foot 2. Go on a diet and get rid of the cats. Actually, she’s been on Weight Watchers, because she used to weigh 300 pounds. Awesome. Keep it up.

Beth calls up. She has a 17 year old son who wears a mohawk and studs, and he swears that when he turns 18, he’s going to get a bunch of tattoos. Does he have a father figure, Adam asks? Yes, he has a step-dad. But the son doesn’t listen to the step-dad, and the step-dad won’t discipline him. Is he a good student? Well, not really. He’s an average student. He’s good at what he does — photography. Adam points out that all the great millionaires and geniuses of our day didn’t graduate high school or college, or are otherwise uneducated. Also, this is a phase. And, finally, when he turns 18, he’s no longer Beth’s problem — he’s society’s problem. He’s just a bad seed and there’s nothing you can do. “Don’t blame yourself,” Adam tells her.

Mike calls in. He’s a roof, and he met the woman of her dreams the other night. Unfortunately, when he called her, he found out she fell off a four story roof the other night at a party, and she’s in the hospital. The good news is, when this chick gets out of the hospital, Mike will get laid. What the hell was she even doing up there, Adam wonders? She just thought it seemed like a good idea, Mike guesses. Yeah, that happens — especially when tequila is involved.

8:12 FLAPSTEAK CHECK-IN

DAG and Oswaldo are on the roof. Adam and the crew check in to see how it’s going.

8:24 THE EXPERT PANEL

The flapsteak cook-off is well underway, and it’s time to unveil the celebrity panelists.

The first guest is Merril Schindler, a food critic who hosts a show, Feed Your Face, weekends on 97.1 FREE FM in Los Angeles. Adam has been listening to Merril for 20 years now, and he never pictured the guy as a heavy-set black gentleman, so he’s shocked. The second guest judge is Reed Strathearn, from L Scorpion, and the third, Walter Eckstein, the Executive Chef at Lawry’s in Beverly Hills.

8:40 THE JUDGING

The competitors have taken the elevator back down to the studio, and now it’s time to judge the meat.

Merril digs in to the first plate. He thinks it’s fabulous. He wants seconds, thirds, fourths, the whole damn plate. Reed thinks it’s a bit too sweet, but otherwise great. Walter feels the same way — a bit too sweet, but otherwise good.

Now, it’s time to judge the second plate plate. Merril feels like its chewier, but that’s okay, he has teeth. It’s so much of a different flavor than the first plate, it’s hard to compare them. Reed feels like it’s far too spicy.

Merril chooses the first plate. Reed has to say the second plate, and Walter picks the first one.

The owner of each plate is revealed… the first plate was… OSWALDO!

Incidentally, DAG’s steak left Oswaldo cold. DAG flips out; this contest was obviously racist, and he knows everybody on the show is a big cheater. He needs to get a lawyer and take every one of them down.

8:58 ADAM’S TWINS CALLING IN

Adam’s new twins, Sonny and Natalya, call in to wish Adam a Happy Father’s Day.

9:12 KELLY PICKLER ON THE PROGRAM

Kelly Pickler, from American Idol, joins the show. She ran into Adam a few weeks ago when they were both filming Jimmy Kimmel Live, and it occurred to him that she’s not an act — she’s the real deal. Where was Kelly this time last year, Adam wonders? Rollerskating out to cars with food at a Sonic drive-in. That’s what people love about American Idol, Adam feels. The way they can take someone who had nothing, and turn them into this supernatural phenomenon.

During the first few American Idols, it seemed like sex was breaking out everywhere. Now, it seems like they’re all brothers and sisters. What the hell happened with that, Adam asks? What kind of a world is this that he just brought his kids into? Well, it’s just because they spend so much time together, Kelly says.

She’s got to be dating someone, Adam says. She can’t REALLY be single. She is though, she swears! Nobody wants her! She feels like she must be a nerd or something. No celebrities or anything, Adam asks? Nobody is sniffing around? Not at all, she says.

Dan calls in. He’s a plumber, and he wants to date Kellie. Can’t do it, Adam says. She didn’t come this far to date some plumber. Adam instead has the perfect man for her. Big Tad.

Kellie busts out a little singing for the crew, and then Adam gets her a soda and forces her to drink it, so he can hear her burp. Teresa wonders exactly why men want to see pretty girls burp. A pretty girl could fling feces and it would be a turn-on, Adam says.

Since Kellie was in the top six, she’ll be going on the American Idol tour, which features the top ten finalists from Season 5. The tour kicks off in Manchester, New Hampshire on July 5th, 2006 and runs through September 24th.

9:49 BONNIE JILL LAFLIN IN THE STUDIO

Bonnie Jill Laflin, Playboy girl and talent scout, is on the program. They’re going to jump straight to news, and then Bonnie is going to chime in on sports.

9:52 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:53 SPORTS RECAP

Bonnie reads the sports news.

ADAM WITH JOEY CHESTNUT, THE PENTHOUSE BEAUTIES, VAN STONE AND PETER WALSTON

ADAM WITH JOEY CHESTNUT, THE PENTHOUSE BEAUTIES, VAN STONE AND PETER WALSTON — 5am to 10am PST, June 15, 2006

6:00 BILLY’S DAY OF RECKONING

Today is the day that Billy takes the lie detector to determine whether or not he’s really a virgin. Brusca calls the other website guy, Marc, into the room to share an observation from yesterday — Marc walked in on Billy surfing “how to beat a lie detector” websites. “Oh, no,” Dave says. Adam sees that the odds have just shifted wildly.

That’s the thing with this kind of situation, Adam says. Billy had a split second to make a decision when he was asked by Adam if he was a virgin, he blurted out an answer, and now he’s committed himself to it until the bitter end. So now, of course, Adam’s got to fire him. But, Teresa asks, is there going to be any chance of redemption? Is there going to be any way for him, right before the lie detector, to confess? Adam’s not sure the Governor is going to make that call, but we will see.

6:06 ANN COULTER AND THE 9/11 VICTIMS

Ann Coulter is going to be on the program today, and Adam’s going to admit, he agrees with a lot of what she says. Okay, so she called the 9/11 widows “harpies.” But, she had a legitimate reason. She doesn’t feel like, just because these people had their spouses die, that they are entitled to everything. To Adam, the people dying in the 9/11 attack was tragic, but he equates it to people who were just driving home from work getting clipped and killed.

It may have been a bit much for her to insult the widows though, Teresa says. Maybe, Adam agrees, but she knows what she’s doing. She’s selling books. Everything she says is calculated.

6:25 JOEY CHESTNUT ON THE BLOWER

Joey Chestnut, the American hot dog eating champion, is on the phone. Not only is he the American champ, but he’s the number three competitive eater in the world. He’ll be facing the Japanese champion, Kobiyashi, on the 4th of July to determine the world champion. The crew wonders if he has any tricks? Two at a time, of course. Dave knows exactly how to intimidate this guy, too. Order the dogs slathered in mustard and ketchup with a side of fries. Or roll up with a huge pizza in one hand and a soda in the other. It’ll BLOW THEIR MINDS. Of course, he should also smoke some weed, Dave says. That’s basically like steroids for an eating contest.

Do you really feel that you are the only one to beat this guy, Adam asks? Yes, he does. He thinks he’s the only American who has a chance against this Kobiyashi character.

How about the doctor? Does he approve of this? Oh, absolutely not, Joey says. His doctor says he’s insane.

If he takes this thing home, the endorsement deals will be astronomical, Adam feels. Ball Park, Hebrew National, all the hot dog companies will want his picture on their packages.

6:45 BILLY MOSES ON THE LIE DETECTOR

Well, it finally comes down to this. Billy Moses is in the studio, hooked up to a lie detector, trying to prove that he’s not a virgin because no one believes him. Adam says that if Billy fails the test, he can’t work for the show anymore because he lied to him on the air. John Grogan is in the studio to administer the test. He says that polygraphs are 99% accurate. The only difference between an MRI test and a polygraph test is that the MRI costs $100,000 versus the $6,000 cost of a polygraph (which measures changes in perspiration, respiration and heartrate).

Adam asks how the digital polygraph works, and John says that the new polygraphs eliminate the chance for errors or being tricked. The information on the internet about how to beat the lie detector doesn’t work.

Adam gave Billy pleanty of chances to back out of this and simply admit that he was a virgin,but an explosive on-air personality like Billy’s simply needs to prove that he’s not lying. The lay person can use John’s services for $400 and make a housecall if you need to use his services.

John asks a series of baseline questions:

1) Is today Thursday? Yes.
2) Is your name William John Paul Moses? Yes.

Now the questions:

1) If you could kiss Adam, would you? No.
2) Did you state that Adam’s assistant Lindsey would be yours or that you could have her? Yes.
3) Have you masturbated while thinking about any female on our staff? Yes.
4) Do you think Dameshek’s bits are funny? Yes.
5) Do you hate Jimmy Brusca? No.
6) Do you think program director Jack Silver is an idiot? Yes.
7) Have you had sexual intercourse? Yes. Has your penis ever entered a vagina? Yes.
9) Has your penis ever entered a wooden vagina? No.
10) Have you ever been on top of a naked woman? Yes.

Jack Silver calls in and tells Billy that he hopes he enjoys his last day working at CBS. He tells Adam and Teresa that Billy needs to back away from the microphone. He doesn’t think that on-air broadcasting is in Billy’s future. Adam defends Billy; he tells Jack that he’s running his show the way he wants to, and no corporate suits in New York are going to tell him otherwise.

Teresa wants to know what it sounds like when a dream dies as John goes to check the results of the polygraph test.

Katherine calls in and is sad, because she thinks that Jack Silver is going to fire Billy. She says she’s crying because he’s going to get fired and he’s going to be stuck at home with her now. Adam tells Katherine to look at the bright side. At seventeen, he was two years away from cleaning carpets and three years away from digging ditches for $7 an hour.

Adam tells Katherine to hang on tight and he’ll send her a Kraigan gift certificate.

7:15 NEWS

Teresa covers the news.

7:26 SPORTS

Dave takes care of the sports news.

7:28 NBA PLAYER OR TECH STOCK?

It’s time for a spirited round NBA Player or Tech Stock.

Emeka. The caller says “Tech stock”. Incorrect!

Amgen. The caller picks “Tech stock”. That’s correct!

Zaza. Once again, the caller says “Tech stock”. Incorrect.

7:43 PENTHOUSE BEAUTIES

There’s a gaggle of Penthouse beauties in the studio, one of whom was Penthouse Pet of the Year.

Adam points out that there’s a ton of people standing outside the window to the studio. Don’t the tech guys have anything to do, he wonders? Van Stone is out there, too. They were apparently being a little weird in the green room.

Apparently, Brusca is frantically gesturing and trying to figure out why they won’t take their tops off. Is there a reason for that, Adam wonders? Did anybody ask? Nobody asked them, actually. Brusca sheepishly approaches the microphone and requests them to take their tops off. Dave bellows, “I LOVE BOOBS! I’M NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE FOR IT!”

They finally convince the ladies to show off a bit for the crew. Adam’s reaction? “WOW. Those are real? WOW!” It’s quite the bounty of boobs, Dave adds. Unfortunately, when it comes time for Aria to take her top off, she refuses. She’ll give them bra, but no bare breasts. Adam is shocked. This is nothing short of an attack. They plead with her, and attempt to bargain — Adam showing off a little left nut is put on the table and rejected — but they finally have to give up.

8:09 VAN STONE IN THE STUDIO

Van Stone, the third loudest band in Palmdale, CA, joins the Penthouse girls on the microphone. Adam has a plan to get Aria to show her breasts, and he’s going to need Van Stone’s help.

They tune up and crank out a song meant to loosen up the tops of the ladies.

8:33 THE ED CHIMES IN

The Ed from Vegas calls in to say that he’s pretty sure Billy Moses is not a virgin. If he’s 14, there’s no way he hasn’t had sex yet. Well, first of all, he’s 17, Adam says. Also, it doesn’t quite work that way in Billy’s culture.

Dan calls in. He wants to put $1,000 on the line saying that Billy is a virgin. If he’s so confident, why not take the bet? He’ll do it, right now. One hundred dollars. Adam sends him to get his wallet out of his office; he doesn’t want Billy betting money he doesn’t have.

8:45 BILLY’S LIE DETECTOR RESULTS

It’s time to bring Billy back in the studio, along with Mr. Polygraph, to unveil the results. Beore they start, Adam is curious about Billy’s life strategy, in pissing off the program director of Free FM. “I don’t know,” Billy squeaks out.

Let’s start at the first question, and see where he lied, and where he told the truth.

If he could kiss Adam, would he? He said no, and that’s truthful.

Did he state that Lindsey would be his? He said yes, and that’s true.

Does he masturbate to thoughts of any of the female staffers? He said yes, and that’s “very truthful.”

Dave notices that the phone lines are lit up with people wanting to bet Billy that he’s lying.

The next question was “Do you think Dameshek’s bits are funny?” He said they were, and that’s truthful. Okay, that’s it, he’s gotta get out of here. Sure, Adam and Co. put on a smile, but Dave isn’t really funny.

Does Billy think Jack Silver, the Program Director, is an idiot? Billy said yes. Unfortunately, he was lying. Adam feels Jack isn’t smart enough to sort that out, and will fire him anyway. Dave’s mind is blown. Why would he say that he was, originally? He was being explosive at the time. Katherine, Billy’s mom, feels she should point out that they rely on Billy’s income at her house, because she only works part-time.

A listener calls in and says he has $50 saying that Billy is not a virgin. Adam wants to take that action, and Dave isn’t sure. His head is spinning. Adam will take the $50, and he’ll pay $200 if he’s wrong.

Do you hate Jimmy Brusca? Billy said no, and that’s true.

And now, the moment of truth. Is Billy a virgin? Of course, Adam must point out, the real losers in all of this are Lindsey and Angie, whom both made appearances in Billy’s sexual fantasies. Before they announce it, though, Adam makes a few more bets with callers, and Billy recaps the story of how he supposedly lost it. Adam just cannot picture an afternoon delight with Billy Moses.

The verdict is…

Has Billy ever had sexual intercourse? Billy answered yes… and… it’s 100% true!

Katherine, Billy’s mom, comes on the line. She’s SO GLAD he told the truth, but she’s upset that he had sex — she’ll never see him the same way again. Adam seeks some redemption, though. How’d he answer the question of whether his penis has been inside a vagina? He answered that yes, and it was truthful as well. “DAMN!!!”

Brusca apologizes, and Adam apologizes as well, on behalf of the rest of the staff.

9:29 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news faster than she’s ever done it before.

9:30 SPORTS RECAP

Dave reca–, woops, Adam cuts it off.

9:38 PETER WALSTON ON THE PHONE

Peter Walston, a reporter for the Los Angeles Times, comes on the line. He’s the man who was called out by President Bush at a press conference yesterday for “wearing shades”, when he is actually blind. Bush later called the man and apologized, but Peter says he felt the apology was unnecessary, and he doesn’t like any kind of special treatment.

Adam is curious. He’s been told to not call people blind, rather, he should refer to them as “seeing impaired”. Peter has no idea what to tell him, though.

ADAM WITH JIM FLORENTINE AND DAVID ALAN GRIER

ADAM WITH JIM FLORENTINE AND DAVID ALAN GRIER — 5am to 10am PST, June 14, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 BILLY’S EXPERIENCE

Apparently, after Billy’s on-air declaration of non-virginity, he went onto the Adam Carolla Message Board and posted the story of how he was at a girl’s house, a while ago, and with his libido running high, decided to “just do it.” Unfortunately, the girl’s brother walked into the room “in the middle”, and he had to stop.

Nobody seems to believe him, including his two co-workers, Marc and Jack — they are convinced. Adam doesn’t need him to have completed the act to not be a virgin, though. It’s good enough to just have started. Of course, we’ll find out tomorrow, when he goes down to San Diego for the No Lie MRI. Adam is worried, though, that Billy isn’t going to go.

This is Adam’s take on it. When people declare that “you have to be a virgin”, or even “you MUST work out,” they are telling you that they don’t believe there could be any other way. You couldn’t have possibly slept with someone — nobody could’ve screwed your ugly ass. Or, there’s no way you could look like that without pumping iron constantly. That’s what people are saying when they tell you things like that.

6:09 INDIGNITY

Yesterday, Adam was pulling through the basement of the parking garage, and he ran across a group of people that were in the way. They all stopped and looked over at him, as if he’d driven his car into the middle of their living room. Finally, they moved out of the way. Why does this happen? It happens other places, too.

6:22 RICH MAN POOR MAN

It’s time for a spirited round of Rich Man, Poor Man, where listeners call in and try to come up with things that poor people do, that rich people also do, but the middle class doesn’t participate in.

6:47 CHRISTIAN THE 13-YEAR-OLD COMEDIAN

Christian, the 13-year-old comedian, calls up to tell a couple of jokes about blind people.

6:50 RICO’S TECH KORNER

Rico, a sales associate at Circuit Center, is on the program. Circuit Center is an electronics store Adam sometimes goes to, and since they never address the techheads on this show, he thought he’d bring someone that works there onto the program.

The first tip Rico has for everyone is: Get the warranty. You have to get the warranty. If you don’t, that’s it.

He’s got a few different products he wants to talk about. Unfortunately, when Dave asks any questions about them, he doesn’t seem to know anything about them. Mainly, though, you should get the extended service plan. That way, if it breaks, you have that peace of mind. So if it breaks, they will replace it, Adam asks? Well, Rico doesn’t know about that. Well, they’ll fix it at least, right? Rico doesn’t know about that.

7:07 NEWS

Teresa covers the morning news.

President Bush is currently holding a news conference at The White House. Yesterday, he made a surprise visit to Iraq.

Darryl Hannah was arrested during her protest of the proposed development of an urban farm in South Central L.A. yesterday.

Paris Hilton was on Regis and Kelly discussing her newest season of The Simple Life.

Madonna is angry at Britney Spears for giving up Kaballah.

7:18 SPORTS

Dave covers the sports news.

7:33 JIM FLORENTINE IN THE STUDIO

Jim Florentine, a.k.a Special Ed from Crank Yankers, is on the program. His prank calls were well known for having loud belches peppered in them. Quite often, he gets people telling him “That must be a fake belch; it must be a sound effect.” When he hears that, it’s just offensive — all his burps are real. He just needs a soda. Mike Lynch SPRINTS for a Coke so Jim can bust out a few of them.

The movie “Windy City Heat” comes up, which was a movie that Adam Carolla actually had a bit part in. That movie needs to see a DVD release, Adam says, and it will, and it’ll become a cult classic.

7:53 DARRYL HANNAH
Darryl Hannah calls in again, to talk a little more about the farm they are trying to save in South Central. Dave tries to steer the conversation towards Kill Bill, though.

8:04 SPECIAL ED

Jim Florentine reads a little from Star Jones’ book as Special Ed.

8:15 THE JERK REPORT WITH DAVE DAMESHEK

It’s once again time for Dave Dameshek, and his Jerk Report. This time, though, they’ve got some prizes to give away for people who call in and contribute to the report.

We kick off the report with a caller from Youngstown, Ohio, who feels like Dave should be Creep of the Week for his undeserved worship of Ben Rothlisberger. It’s not justified. The caller feels like they should be talking up the Cleveland Browns.

Dan calls up. He’s tired of Shaq not getting passed the ball. The Heat won last night, Adam points out, so the timing is bad, but he loves Dan’s enthusiasm. Dan’s going to get a gift certificate to Kragen Auto Parts.

And now that “amateur hour is over”, it’s time for the real Jerk Report. The new and improved Jerk Report, with the list format that Jimmy Kimmel suggested.

Number six. He’s going to start off close to home. It was Dave’s birthday on Sunday, but it was also his four year old nephew’s birthday that weekend, and he had his party on Sunday, too. That means Dave got no calls on Sunday! His four year old nephew… JERK!

Number five. Twelve grain bread. He liked normal bread, and then he switched to the seven grain bread, which he likes even more. But his wife brought home twelve grain bread. WHAT?! TWELVE GRAINS?! IT’S TOO MUCH! JERK!

Number four. Dateline NBC, particularly Chris Hanson. They used to cover all manner of topics, and consumer price gouging schemes, and public interests. But now, they’re obsessed with catching child predators. Why is that? The child predators are caught and put in jail, that’s fine, but Chris Hanson must pay a larger price. He’s a JERK!

Two Get Out of Jerk Free cards to reward this week. As everyone has heard, the Jerk Report has new music. The cards must be given to the composers of this music, John Williams and Howard Shore. They composed it for the Jerk Report specifically? Yes, yes they did, Dave says. Bryan the Sound Guy hates to point it out, but he’s pretty sure that it was composed for movies that came out years ago. Dave demands that Bryan turn the Jerk Laser on himself.

A listener calls in and demands that Tracy Morgan be put on the Jerk Report. He drove Tracy in the limo, and didn’t tip. Plus, he got a little euphoric, and started offering the driver work, and then the next day, he acted like he had no idea what was going on.

Number three on the list, Big Ben Rothlisberger. How dare he take chances when the team depends on him.

Number two, Jimmy Kimmel! Why? Because he suggested that the jerk report be done as a top ten list. Sure, Dave’s doing the list, but he didn’t want to! And of course, Adam Carolla, for taking his side. Jimmy Kimmel comes on the line right away. This is absurd; how dare Dave put him on there. He’s never been so insulted in his life.

And now, it’s time for The Creep of the Week. This week… it’s Dave’s wife Cindi. How did he celebrate his birthday weekend? Saturday morning, he awakens to a doctor in his house. They’re getting LIFE INSURANCE. So he had to get his blood drawn, and he had to pee in a cup. And on Sunday, he tells her that he needs a new toothbrush, because he’s been using the one in the cabinet and it’s worn out. Come to find out, that toothbrush is the one she uses to clean her rings! So not only is she taking out a life insurance policy on him, but she’s slowly poisoning him! Cindi… CREEP!

8:57 DAVID ALAN GRIER IN THE STUDIO

David Alan Grier joins the program, and proclaims that he has giant, huge, earth-shattering news. Not right yet, though. Before that, he tells a story of a time he went for dinner at Bill Cosby’s house.

Jim Florentine comes back in, and Jim/DAG sing a little duet.

And now, for a bombshell. David wants to challenge Oswaldo to a steak cook-off. He thinks he can beat Oswaldo. But he can’t have any judges who have tasted Oswaldo’s cooking before — Adam’s got to bring in NEUTRAL PARTIES. That may be difficult, Adam says, because he’s fed everyone in Southern California.

Ozzie comes on the line. NOBODY SAYS THAT TO OZZIE. He’ll take this challenge, and he’ll defeat David.

9:20 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:30 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports news.

9:43 BILLY’S MOM

Billy is back in the studio, and his mom is on the line. She feels like it’s wrong of him to be lying to all these people about this — not just the staff, but all of the listeners as well. He’s not lying though, he says.

A lot of money is going to be changing hands in this studio, Adam says, because everybody’s betting on this. Teresa doesn’t want to be insensitive or anything, but does Billy’s mom want to place a bet or anything? Oh, no, no, she’s a poor single mom, she says. Billy would be willing to bet some money on him passing, though.

ADAM WITH PEREZ HILTON, DANA GOULD, BRIAN POSEHN, PATTON OSWALT AND LAIRD MACINTOSH

ADAM WITH PEREZ HILTON, DANA GOULD, BRIAN POSEHN, PATTON OSWALT AND LAIRD MACINTOSH — 5am to 10am PST, June 13, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 THE NERD-OFF

The Celebrity Nerd-Off is today, which is exciting. Adam feels like they’re lucky to have assembled an intelligent and relatively good looking crew of people on the show, because most people in radio are either trolls, or they’re beautiful, and they know nothing.

6:03 TIV-OCD

Last night, Teresa Strasser’s new show, How To Get The Guy, aired for the first time, and of course, Dave and Adam TiVO’d it. Adam had a bit of a problem with the TiVO, though — he tries to record the east coast feeds of things, rather than the west coast, and about 6 or 8 minutes into the show, he realized the TiVO wasn’t picking it up.

Teresa has this problem, she says, called “TiV-OCD”, where she constantly has to check and make sure TiVO is recording the right show.Dave runs into this too. He yells at TiVO. “What the hell were you thinking TiVO?! The football game is FAAAR MORE IMPORTANT!”

6:06 THE MORE YA KNOW

During Teresa’s show last night, Adam noticed a new “The More You Know” — Martin Sheen. And what was he telling us about? Talking to our kids. Okay, that’s a great fit. If you’re Martin Sheen and you’re going to do a PSA, and your kid Charlie is in and out of the headlines every day, maybe you’d ask for another topic than parenting? Or maybe they could pick a different one for you?

Incidentally, Martin Sheen should really decide to take Emilio Estevez’s name. He can be the only parent in history that takes his kids’ name.

A listener calls in. He objects to Adam’s opinion on Martin Sheen’s PSA, because he sees it this way — “take it from me.” Well, sure, Adam agrees with that, IF Sheen would’ve actually said “Take it from me.”

6:26 WHAT CAN’T ADAM COMPLAIN ABOUT?

It’s time for a spirited round of What Can’t Adam Complain About?

6:55 BILLY GETS REAL

Billy, the 17-year-old Webmaster, is in the studio. Apparently, it was assumed by everyone on the show that Billy was a virgin. Adam talked to him though, and it turns out, he lost his virginity at the age of 15. He always thought he could spot a virgin after doing Loveline, but he was wrong. Now he’s got to recalibrate.

Joel is on the phone. He runs a company called No Lie MRI, where they can test you to see if you are lying about something, with almost 100% certainty. Teresa says that Billy is looking a little nervous now. Regardless of all the talk, Adam is going to swear that Billy is a virgin. So now, unless he confesses to being a virgin, he’s got to go down to San Diego and take the test. He doesn’t confess anything — he stands by his virgin. Of course, if he doesn’t agree to this test, he’ll be fired. And if the results come back differently than what he is saying, he’ll be fired. And if he gets fired, we will all hear a champagne cork pop in the programming director’s office.

They all chime in to make sure Billy understand what it means to not be a virgin. Yes, yes, he says he does. “Okay, Billy, enjoy your last week here,” Brusca tells him.

7:13 NEWS

Teresa covers the morning news.

7:24 SPORTS

Dave takes care of the sports news.

7:42 DEAF FRAT GUY

Maverick, a.k.a. the Deaf Frat Guy, is on the program. He’s the head of his own fraternity, Delta Fu Gamma. To help raise money for their new frat, he’s selling Deaf Frat Guy t-shirts and keychain beer funnels on his website.

He interviews a few candidates over the phone, to bid for entry into Delta Fu Gamma.
Adam says he hopes the funneling thing branches out and lets a lot of people get a chance to try out for the frat, as well as try a large variety of beers. In fact, Adam thinks that Maverick should be on the lecture circuit, because he has a lot to teach.

Duke calls in and says he wants to join the frat. But Maverick thinks that Duke is joking, and he doesn’t want the frat to become a joke. Duke says he isn’t joking and definately wants to join Delta Fu Gamma. He knows hookers, dancers and strippers to bring to the frat house. Adam feels that there’s a definate sleeze factor with Duke.

Maverick has to say something to all of these people. Joining a fraternity, is the biggest decision of a young man’s life.

…

That was it.
7:58 PEREZ HILTON’S HOLLYWOOD HAPPENINGS

Perez Hilton is on the program to dish out his Hollywood Happenings report.

8:23 LYNETTE CAROLLA ON THE LINE

Lynette, Adam’s wife, is on the line. Adam lets her know that Perez has put their baby pictures up on his website, PerezHilton.com. That’s great, but which pictures? “High school prom, what do you think,” Adam retorts.

What’s been great about this situation, Adam says, is that finally Lynette is getting out of bed before him. Finally, it’s just him, and his dog Molly. Good times.

8:39 THE CELEBRITY NERD-OFF CHALLENGE

Brian Posehn, Dana Gould, and Patton Oswalt have joined the program, to compete in the 1st Annual Adam Carolla Show Celebrity Nerd-Off Challenge. The prize? A Darth Vader replica lightsaber. Everybody definitely thinks that’s excellent.

Dave is worried about Brian. He’s got the skill, of course, and he’s got the knowledge. But can he bring the energy that Patton has? As everyone knows, Patton is the reigning champ, after defeating many of the in-house nerds.

It’s time to begin.

From the Lord of the Rings, who cut off Sauron’s finger? A hush falls over the studio. Nobody knows. Mike reads the answer: Isildor.

From Star Wars, what is the name of the Jedi Master played by Samuel L. Jackson? Patton buzzes in. Mace Windu. Correct!

From 70s superhero cartoons, what was the name of the Wondertwins monkey? Brian blurts it out. “Gleek!” That’s correct.

From the Planet of the Apes, which two actors from the original appear in the remake? Dana nails it.

In Batman, what was the Penguin’s full name? Oswald Cobblepot.

From Dungeons and Dragons, name the two co-creators of the game? Brian buzzes in with Gary Gygax, but he doesn’t know the other one.

What are the names of the ghosts in Pacman? Nobody gets it right.

From Transformers, what is the name of the leader of the Autobots in the original cartoon? Nobody gets it. The score is now 2.5, 2.5 and 1, with Gould trailing. If he blows the next one, he has to leave.

From Clash of the Titans, what is the name of the creature Persseus kills? THE KRAKEN! Patton gets it, so Dana has to leave.

Now that Dana is eliminated, it will be a head-to-head competition. Brian will go first. They will go back and forth naming characters from the movie “Star Wars”, until one of them can’t think of one.

They go back and forth, back and forth, until finally, only two characters are left. Unfortunately… Brian can’t pull it out. He is eliminated. Caller Eric picks up a $200 gift certificate to Kragen Auto Parts, and Patton takes home an authentic replica lightsaber.

9:21 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:27 DARRYL HANNAH CALLS IN

Surprise caller Darryl Hannah comes on the line. She’s currently 40 feet up in a tree at a garden in South Central L.A., where a protest is taking place of a potential land sale that will wipe out 14 acres of garden that is considered historical.

She talks to Adam for a bit about what could possibly be done to save the garden. (Read the full story.)

9:42 LAIRD MACINTOSH IN THE STUDIO

Laird Macintosh, the host of the new NBC show “Treasure Hunters“, is on the program. Treasure Hunters is a new “adventure reality” show, along the same lines as The Amazing Race, where teams have to try and stay one step ahead of each other while enduring mental and physical challenges in pursuit of a hidden treasure.

ADAM WITH BOB PATTERSON AND ROBERT KNEPPER

ADAM WITH BOB PATTERSON AND ROBERT KNEPPER– 5am to 10am PST, June 12, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

Tracy Metro will be filling in for Teresa Strasser this morning.

6:00 TERESA WILL BE BACK TOMORROW
Adam mentions that Teresa is in New York, but will be back tomorrow. Dave says that’s because she’s going to catch a red-eye. Tracy chimes in with a little tidbit: the red-eye only runs west to east, not east to west. Wow. What the hell was that, Adam wonders? Why not just hit Dave with a chair?

6:03 WASTE

One of the biggest problems people have with him is that he doesn’t care about other people, Adam says. There’s nothing more true about him, either. But for whatever reason, he’s obsessed with waste. He can’t stand it when he sees things going to waste. If he sees garbage on the ground, he’ll pick it up or throw it away. If he sees some dirty cups next to the sink in the studio kitchen, he’ll start washing them during the break. It’s not that he cares about the other people, he just cares about things going to waste.

Tracy has got to know if Adam’s a closet environmentalist. “Ehhhhh….” Adam can’t really answer that.

A big problem with waste though, Adam thinks, is that things are getting too nice and too cheap. You will get something, and it cost maybe eight cents for some crippled third world child to make, but it looks so nice and expensive, so you don’t want to get rid of it. But we can’t keep everything.

6:11 THE KIDS

The Carolla twins have finally arrived at their home, and Dave wonders how it went. It was good, Adam says, but he wasn’t as helpful as he could’ve been. It stems from the fact that for the past two years, he’s practically done everything around that house, including building and renovating it, while Lynette hasn’t lifted a finger.

6:16 NAMES

Listener Miranda calls in. She’s carrying twins as well, and she needs a couple of baby names. The problem has been, though, that everybody seems to have a different idea of what they should be named, and nothing seems to be good enough.

Through the course of the conversation, Adam figures out that Miranda’s boyfriend is unemployed. Unemployed, and she’s got twins on the way? You might as well just give them prison numbers for names, because that’s where they are going. “You need to find yourself a husband,” Adam tells her, “and he needs to get a gig.”

Does anybody who is really good at their job go for that long without a job? When you are unemployed for a while, you have to stop and wonder, are you just bad at what you do? Try to think about who you know that is really good at their job, but they can’t find a gig.

6:36 MARK THE POET

Mark the Poet comes on the line. He left Angie about a million voicemails, asking when he could be back on the show (for his 23rd time, mind you.) He also wonders if maybe he could be compensated for his appearances.

His arch-nemesis, Brandon, is also on the phone. He’s battling a cold, which is harder than battling against Mark the Poet.

The two of them square off in another round of their limerick war.

After they finish, Adam once again proclaims that Communism would never work, because you can clearly see how this competition has made the both of them step up their games. They are both getting so much better at what they do. Competition will always do that for you.

7:00 DANTE

Dante from the porn store calls in. They had a great weekend there at the Circus of Books in West Hollywood, due to the gay pride parade. Incidentally, gay pride parades are great if you want to get laid. 300,000 gay guys all drunk and charged up — definitely a great place to get some tail if you’re a gay guy.

They put one of the customers of the porn store on the line, who incidentally, happens to be a porn distributor.

7:18 NEWS

Tracy Metro reports the morning news.

The first Tropical Storm of the 2006 season, Tropical Storm Alberto, is spinning off of the Florida coast. It is not expected to grow into a Hurricane.

Entourage premiered last night on HBO.

7:27 SPORTS

Dave covers the sports news, and takes a few calls from some haters.

7:45 OZZIE

Oswaldo is in the program to review the movie “A Prairie Home Companion”.

Overall, the movie left Ozzie cold.

8:06 TERESA STRASSER CHECKS IN

Teresa is in New York to do Good Morning, America as a run-up to her new show, which premieres tonight. What’s hilarious is, they got to take a limo to the show, and all these tourists were in Times Square watching, but when the door opened up, everybody was disappointed.

Apparently, the other day, Teresa said something about Tracy Metro’s old college roommate, who also recently wrote a book. And apparently, said author decided to write a two page, vitriolic email to Teresa. Teresa felt bad, and decided to apologize. But it lead to yet another angry, two page email! So, she has to apologize on-air for that now.

Brusca tries to stir up a little controversy between Teresa and Tracy, but it flops, and Dave calls him out on it.

8:24 THE BRIGHT SIDE

Since Adam’s a father now, he’s decided to try and look at the “glass half full” side of things. So, it’s time to play a spirited round of The Bright Side, the second cousin of “What Can’t Adam Complain About?” In this game, listeners call up with their problems, and Adam will tell them why it’s not nearly as bad as they think it is.

Mary comes on the line, after some initial confusion with the phone screening. Apparently, Tad put the wrong name, so when Adam tried to punch her up, she didn’t realize he was trying to summon her. She had to put her cat to sleep. “GOOD. I HOPE IT WAS DONE WITH CHANNEL LOCKS,” Adam fires back. “Wait, sorry. That wasn’t supposed to happen.”

Okay, listen, Adam continues. All cats love to sleep anyway. Now, he gets to do what he loves all the time.

Daniel checks in. Yesterday morning, he backed over his son’s dog. We’re definitely having a pet theme, Adam says. First of all, Daniel backed over the dog, which obviously isn’t intentional, so that’s better than hitting it head on. Second, it wasn’t HIS dog, so it’s not too bad. But it was a puppy, Daniel says, because they just got it on the third. At least it doesn’t know what it had in store for it, Tracy says, because it was so young. Moreover, Adam adds, it would’ve jumped over the fence and mauled your neighbor once it got bigger. This definitely saved money on the lawsuit.

Justin calls in. He just found out his wife had an affair, and she’s a stripper. But they have two kids together. How old is Justin, Adam wonders? He’s 23. Well, okay. Justin made a mistake. The chick is a little nutty. She had her problems as a kid, and now she’s going to work through them at McThirsties. He still has his two kids, and she won’t get custody, because she’s a stripper. He just needs to make sure this doesn’t happen to him again. Never make the mistake again.

Joe has a problem, too. Yesterday, him and his girlfriend were having an argument, and he asked her to leave him alone. She wouldn’t. So, he decided to give her a little nudge towards the door. She turned around and kicked him in the nuts, then punched him in the nose. Okay, kicked in the nuts with girl shoes. First off, Joe has a garage. That’s already better than many people who rent. Second, she vented the anger. What would’ve happened if she’d left it bottled in? The next day, out of nowhere, she would take that out on him. But now, it’s behind him, and it’s on her. She’s the one who has to apologize to Joe.

8:51 BOB PATTERSON ON THE PHONE

Bob Patterson, a Christian anti-porn activist, comes on the line. He’s going to do battle with Adam and Yergei, who is the porn producer they spoke with at the Circus of Books this morning. He was near the studio, so he drove over to the studio to help Adam fight this battle.

It gets a little heated when Bob attacks the entire porn industry, and Yergei takes personal offense. What about him? What about his business? How would he make his money?

9:14 MARCO

Marco the Carpenter calls up. He’s been listening to the show for a while on the job site, with a big boombox. His foreman came to him and said turn off the radio, the people next door are complaining. He got rid of it, and switched to a Walkman to listen instead. The foreman came back, and told him, we’re going to have to let you go. Was it because of the radio, Adam wonders? Or was it because he’s a bad carpenter?

Time for Adam’s carpentry trivia challenge. He grills Marco to figure out if he’s a real carpenter or not.

9:30 NEWS RECAP

Tracy Metro recaps the morning news.

9:34 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports.

9:44 “TEABAG” IN THE STUDIO

Robert Knepper, a.k.a. Theodore “Teabag” Bagwell on the hit FOX drama “Prison Break”, is on the program. He likes to work with wood, which is surprising, Adam says. Adam’s never built furniture, but he respects that.

Can Robert give any spoilers or tidbits, Adam asks? Nope, nope, nope. Nothing. Why would he give a Christmas present early? You’ll just have to watch.

ADAM WITH PAT O’BRIEN, HARRY SHEARER, LOUIS C.K. AND VIDA GUERRA

ADAM WITH PAT O’BRIEN, HARRY SHEARER, LOUIS C.K. AND VIDA GUERRA — 5am to 10am PST, June 9, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 THE MAN HIMSELF

Adam is back in the captain’s chair this morning, after his kids were born a couple days ago. Dave notices that he’s still got the bracelets on from the hospital, and Adam feels like he needs to let people know that they are not because he wants to be pompous. It’s because if you leave them on, you get free parking at the hospital, where his wife currently is.

This is the weird thing about the nursery in the hospital, though. His kids were wrapped up tight in blankets, with beanies on. But everybody’s beanies were the same color. You can’t tell the genders apart that way. There are no distinguishing features at that age! So, of course, he made the suggestion — put a blue beanie on the boy, and a pink beanie on the girl. How many people did Adam make that suggestion to, Teresa wonders? Only about a hundred and fourteen.

Cutting the cord was an odd experience, though. For months, they kept asking him “do you want to cut the cord?” No, of course not, he would say — I don’t want to cut the cord. He just assumed that they meant, go in there during the operation, and cut the cord while it’s still between the child and the mother. That was not the case, though! What actually happened was, they took him into another room, with the child, after the cord had already been cut and clamped off, and they had him snip about three additional inches off of it. After he realized this, he felt a little embarrassed, Adam admits. But then, he asked around. He apologized to Lynette, but she didn’t know that was how it worked. He asked a few other people, but none of them knew, either. Nobody else seems to have this information except the operating room doctors and the people who have already done it.

The entire situation reminds Adam of something that happened to him on a flight to Denver once. They were on approach to Denver, the stewardess had just made the announcements, and suddenly… there’s a loud pop. It’s jarring. Everybody in the cabin jumped noticably and gasped. Turns out, it was just the landing gear going down — they stick on this particular plane. On the return flight, he was ready for it. Everybody but him jumped when it happened.

But then, it dawned on him.

Why didn’t the stewardess warn everybody? The stewardess who does ths flight 10 times a day, couldn’t bother herself to let us know, “you might hear a loud pop”?!? She just likes to lord it over everyone, Dave says.

6:29 BRYAN IS NOT APPRECIATED

Bryan the Sound Guy got a lot of grief from guest host Jimmy Kimmel over the course of the last two days. “It was jarring,” Bryan says, to have someone criticizing his drops so openly — especially the boss of the show.

6:33 KASSANDRAH

Kassandrah, the Puerto Rican 23-year-old fox who wants to be Adam’s nanny, calls in. She’s sent pictures, which will be going up on AdamCarolla.com. Adam says to go ahead and go, but she’s definitely still in the running.

One thing Adam needs to consider is a gay nanny, he says, or just a regular male nanny — for reasons he’s brought up previously.

6:37 WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?

Dave is curious — why did Adam even come in? He was scheduled to be out until Monday. Well, he felt bad for Jimmy Kimmel, because he had to do the late night show, and then get up and do the morning show. Dave was hoping he would spin it and say that he missed Billy or Bryan.

6:53 MEANT TO KNOW

Some things, people shouldn’t know. One of those things is when you’re going to die. The other thing, Adam now realizes, is when you’re going to be born. Obviously, not the kids themselves, but everyone around them. It would be best for it to just happen, he thinks.

6:55 EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW

Adam plays the exclusive first-ever interview with Adam’s new kids, Sonny and Natalya, and talks a little bit about how he’ll be raising his children. One important question Dave has: will Adam advocate spanking his kids? No, he never advocates spanking children, unless they give him the stink-eye.

7:14 PAT O’BRIEN ON THE PHONE

Pat O’Brien, a.k.a. the guy who lied, is on the phone. He had originally claimed that he would feature Adam’s twins prominently on The Insider the day they were born, but it didn’t turn out that way. “Don’t hate the player,” Pat proclaims, “hate the game.”

This segment would be much funnier if Adam actually cared, he says.

Look, let’s do this, Adam says. Since Pat broke his promise, he has to do something. He has to give Adam a free pass the next time he does something bizarre, like beating the hell out of a transsexual hooker on the street. If and when that happens, he doesn’t want to hear about it on The Insider. If he fires one of the twins out of a potato gun towards Mecca, it better not wind up in the opening of the show, or even in the closing remarks. It’ll be tricky to avoid putting it in the closing remarks, but he thinks he can do it.

One thing, though — can Adam stop calling him “FPOB”? We’ll see. WE’LL SEE?!?

7:20 NEWS

Teresa covers the morning news.

7:28 SPORTS

Dave plows through the sports news.

7:43 HARRY SHEARER IN THE STUDIO

Harry Shearer, a.k.a. many, many voices of The Simpsons, is on the program. He plays a wide variety of characters, including Ranier Wolfcastle, Dr. Marvin Monroe, Ned Flanders, Montgomery Burns and more.

Adam has Harry fire Dave in the Mr. Burns voice. That brings up a great idea — it’d be great if Harry would do custom firings in the character voices. “Honey, I got laid off, but he did it in the Mr. Burns voice, it was hysterical.”

A cable channel has been running Spinal Tap on TV recently. There’s an interesting story behind the origins of that movie, Harry says. It originally started out as a pilot for a show that didn’t get picked up, and as they worked on it, it really evolved, and they felt like they could make a lot more out of it than they had originally thought. Adam admits, a lot of the Spinal Tap songs are very catchy.

Harry reads from the Star Jones autobiography, as Al Gore.

8:18 BIG TAD’S SILVER CHAIN

Why would some people go out of their way to mire themselves down more than they already are? Adam’s of course referring to Big Tad, who today has decided to wear a black wrestling shirt, with a huge silver chain around his neck. Big Tad feels he should point out that he gets a lot of compliments on that chain, and people need to watch out, because he’ll sick Billy on them.

8:25 A RE-ENACTMENT

Adam and Teresa do a re-enactment of a man trying to reconcile with his wife after having a long affair, much to the chagrin of Dave, who is left out.

A few callers come on to complain about Teresa replacing Dave in the re-enactments.

8:43 LOUIS C.K. IN THE STUDIO

Louis C.K., comedian and television star, is on the program. He’s here to promote his new show, Lucky Louis, that will be airing following Entourage on HBO. It’s unique, Adam points out, because it’s the first three-camera sitcom ever done on a premium network. What makes it extra special, though, is the fact that they are on pay cable, so there are no standards and practices to follow, except that it has to be good. When the network’s only notes are to “make it funnier”, rather than “don’t use this word, don’t use that word,” you can really go wild.

8:54 HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS

This time around, hypothetical questions is going a different route — who would you rather have your kid turn into?

9:20 SPORTS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:28 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports.

9:38 VIDA GUERRA IN THE STUDIO

Vida Guerra, a model famous for her large “booty,” is on the program. Big Tad immediately launches into telling Vita that everyone in the studio is either married or dating someone. Dave has to let Tad know that Big Tad has no chance.

She’s appearing in Playboy as a cover girl, and the issue is on newsstands now.

JIMMY WITH GUILLERMO, PAT O’BRIEN, PEREZ HILTON, ADAM CAROLLA, SARAH SILVERMAN, MARK CUBAN AND BRIAN POSEHN

JIMMY WITH GUILLERMO, PAT O’BRIEN, PEREZ HILTON, ADAM CAROLLA, SARAH SILVERMAN, MARK CUBAN AND BRIAN POSEHN– 5am to 10am PST, June 8, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 TERESA’S BIRTHDAY

It was rough yesterday, Jimmy says, having to get up early to do this show, and then get to his ABC show and still manage to do everything he had to do there. The one thing that kept him going, though, was knowing he had to come in again today for Teresa’s birthday.

6:03 DIVERSITY TRAINING

For Teresa’s birthday, she gets to attend mandatory Diversity and Sensitivity Training at CBS Radio. Dave went to that yesterday, as well, and it’s quite good. Unfortunately, people were encouraged to speak their minds during the training, and everyone decided to use that as a carte blanche to break out their own personal stand-up comedy.

6:08 AN ALTERNATIVE TO LEARNING

Billy Moses, the 17-year-old “web gopher”, had a bit of an altercation with the rest of the staff yesterday, apparently. He told Brusca that he needs to be on the air more, and Brusca, rather loudly, explained that he brings nothing to the show, and they only put people on the air that can actually provide a little content.

Everyone wonders — shouldn’t Billy be at school? Yes, Brusca says, he goes to that alternative school. Teresa reminds everyone how Adam refers to it: “An alternative to learning.”

It was explained to everyone by Billy that he saves his talents for when he’s running the show. Jimmy says that maybe he’ll get to demonstrate those skills to us a little bit later, and Dave adds that he also has a few choice words about the Deaf Frat Guy that he’ll hopefully share at that time, as well.

6:22 TAKING BILLY DOWN A NOTCH

Jimmy again inquires why Billy isn’t in school. Apparently he’s in a home-schooling program, called Opportunities to Learning, where he just takes a couple of packets home. Jimmy laughs, because yesterday when he was leaving, Billy thanked him in the parking lot. “He’s the ambassador to the show,” Teresa points out.

There are two kinds of people in this world, Billy says — implosive, and explosive. He’s explosive.

Tim, a listener, calls in to the program. Billy doesn’t have the personality to run the drive-through window at a fast food place. Jimmy tells him this is it — it’s time to explode.

It’s time for Billy to have his own segment, Jimmy says. He’s going to count him in, play some music, then launch him off and he can run it himself for a bit. That’s cool, Billy says, but he needs the other assistant webmaster in the studio with him for his segment. Who, Marc, Dave asks? The one who sits in his office putting his nose to the grindstone, getting made fun of by you for never being on the air? Teresa says that Dave shouldn’t attack Billy; he’s only 17.

A few more listeners call in to let Billy know how they feel, and Marc comes into the studio to explain an altercation he had with Billy yesterday after the show.

6:46 OZZIE AND GUILLERMO’S MOVIE REVIEWS

Oswaldo, and Guillermo from Jimmy Kimmel Live!, are both in studio this morning to review “The Omen“.

Jimmy talks to Guillermo about whether he believes in the Devil. He does indeed, so the movie was scary for him. Overall, it left Oswaldo cold, but it left Guillermo warm. But, here’s the big question — how was Ozzie’s cooking? Guillermo says that cooking by Oswaldo is much like the movie. Very good.

7:00 NEWS

Teresa covers the morning news.

7:08 SPORTS

Dave talks sports for a bit.

7:11 DAVE’S PREDICTIONS

Dave came in at 3:30 in the morning this morning, to do a little of his famous prognostication and record it. He managed to successfully predict that: Jim Brusca would wear glasses, Busta Rhymes would be the musical guest on Jimmy Kimmel Live!, and Teresa would desire Dave’s friendship the most for her birthday. Teresa says that 2 out of 3 isn’t bad.

7:16 TIM ON TERRORISM

Jimmy’s friend Tim calls up to explain exactly how we can defeat the terrorists. He thinks that when we are attacked by terrorists, much like 9/11, we should utilize a device that he refers to as the Wheel Of Terror. It is a wheel, similar to the wheel on Price Is Right, with every terrorist-country’s name on it. We would take the wheel on TV, and spin it. Whichever country it landed on, we would nuke into dust. Even if we knew they weren’t involved.

It would be the end of terrorism.

7:28 PEREZ HILTON

Jimmy’s got a problem with Pat O’Brien now — The Insider didn’t mention the birth of the Carolla twins at all. So, they turn to their gossip correspondent that actually still cares about the show, Perez Hilton, who is in the studio.

7:33 ADAM CAROLLA LIVE!

They’ve got a bunch of people on hold, but they need to get to Adam Carolla first, because it is his show. “It was my show,” Adam says, “but you’ve taken it.” Jimmy’s definitely got to go back to his own show after today though, he says, because he’s about to drop dead from exhaustion.

A few different organizations come on the line with Adam and Jimmy to discuss the potential sale of photographs of Adam’s beautiful new babies. Their first offer is upwards of $6, but unfortunately, that’s too low. They take another offer, which bumps up to $500.

Adam has to point out that he only had these kids for the publicity. About ten months ago, his publicist called him and said “You’re coolin’ off baby, we gotta pour the heat on, what can we do?” He told the guy that the kids thing is blowing up, so maybe he should have some kids? Now he’s got a sham marriage and a pair of kids, and all he’s getting offered is $500?

This is just all going very badly, Jimmy says.

7:50 DEAF FRAT GUY IN THE STUDIO

Maverick, a.k.a. the Deaf Frat Guy, has joined the program. He definitely feels like they should donate the proceeds from the sale of the baby pictures to the Delta Fu house. Jimmy asks Maverick to explain exactly what this new fraternity is. Perez wonders if they’ll let gays into the frat. Maverick is dumbfounded — are you serious?

The little feud between Webmaster Billy, the explosive on-air personality, and Maverick, has ramped up. Maverick says that Billy is a really cool guy and they are tight now. Apparently, Billy doesn’t feel that way. Jimmy has Billy explain to Maverick what he feels. Maverick definitely thinks that Billy should join the frat — they’ll have a really great time at Hell Week. Put it this way — he won’t be able to sit for a week.

Perez decides to chime in on all these “Billy Is Gay” comments. Just because a guy talks the way Billy does, doesn’t mean he’s gay.

8:08 SARAH SILVERMAN IN THE STUDIO

Sarah Silverman has joined the program, but Jimmy opens the segment by letting everyone know that Billy is still in the studio, and he gave Jimmy a lecture on the relationship between a radio DJ and his listeners, which “was a lot of fun.” He has to tell Billy to get out of the studio, so he can conduct a radio show. He can’t turn it over to some 17-year-old high school drop-out.

Unfortunately, it’s time for Dave to blow the whistle — Jimmy and Sarah are actually best friends and lovers. That brings Teresa to the next question, which is of course, how was the sex last night? “Vigorous.”

“Does that mean short?”

“No!”

8:31 MARK CUBAN ON THE LINE

Mark Cuban, the owner of the Dallas Mavericks, comes on the phone. Jimmy recalls that he came on Jimmy Kimmel Live once before, and they were supposed to become best friends. What was that number Jimmy gave him, Mark asks? 555-1212? He kept calling, but it didn’t work.

8:37 ADAM ON THE LINE

Adam Carolla calls back in — apparently he’s back at home. Sarah says that she saw pictures of the babies, and Adam points out that he saw pictures of some kids on the Adam Carolla Message Board last night, but they are fake. No no, Sarah says, she saw these straight from Jimmy Kimmel himself.

Why is Adam not at the hospital with his wife, Teresa wonders? He called Lynette, and she said that he was trying to sleep, so he should just stay at home.

8:52 THE METRO MINUTE WITH TRACY METRO

Tracy Metro is on the program this morning, bringing her coverage of the MTV Movie Awards to the show for us. She’s been running all over town doing interviews and such, and she’s actually brought some swag with her for Teresa and Dave.

This whole fight between Teresa and Tracy is highly exaggerated by Jim Brusca. Not only that, it’s basically invented by Brusca, Teresa says.

Apparently, Mike Lynch, Dave Dameshek and Jim Brusca took Tracy into the production office, shut the door, and tried to secretly tape her saying bad things about Teresa. It didn’t go over well. What DID happen, though, is that Tracy asked if Teresa’s contract was up soon, or when it was up, or something similar. That’s a lie, Tracy says. Teresa was saying a few things, though. “If she comes in here with her self-promoting nonense, I will destroy her.” Wow.

9:15 BILL WALTON ON THE PHONE

Bill Walton calls in to talk with Kimmel and the crew for a bit.

9:19 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news, with Tracy Metro lording over her.

9:23 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports news.

9:33 THE CELEBRITY NERD-OFF TALENT SEARCH CONTINUES

So far, Patton Oswalt and Dana Gould are participants in the celebrity nerd-off competition. Now, it’s time to audition another one — Brian Posehn. Brian definitely qualifies, because he’s got a new comic book coming out, “The Last Christmas“.

Mike Dawson runs him through some audition questions.

9:47 THE EXCLUSIVE

It’s time for an exclusive first-ever interview with the new Carolla twins, Natalya and Sonny.

JIMMY WITH JACK SILVER, CHRISTIAN THE 13-YEAR-OLD COMEDIAN, JOE ROGAN AND THE CAROLLA FAMILY

JIMMY WITH JACK SILVER, CHRISTIAN THE 13-YEAR-OLD COMEDIAN, JOE ROGAN AND THE CAROLLA FAMILY — 5am to 10am PST, June 7, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 JIMMY VERSUS THE FCC

Jimmy launches the show with a bang by saying so many profane things, they run out of “dump” and have to kill all of the microphones. “Nobody turns off these microphones,” Jimmy says, “if Jack Silver comes in here and turns off these microphones, HE is fired.”

Brusca spins them off into a discussion of what you can and cannot say on the radio.

Jimmy’s familiar with everyone in the room, save Bryan the Sound Guy. Who is his favorite, Dave wonders? Brusca, of course. Or, maybe, Big Tad. Jimmy and Tad go all the way back to the KROQ days, and when he first met Tad, he was wearing a far-too-tight Green Day shirt, and sunglasses, inside.

Originally, Big Tad was going to be in the delivery room, covering the birth of Adam’s children live. Adam backed out of that plan at the last second, and Jimmy wonders why. Brusca thinks that maybe, just maybe, Adam didn’t want Lynette looking up and accidentally seeing Big Tad standing there over her while she was giving birth. Jimmy thinks she should be more worried about seeing Adam Carolla and realizing that he’s the father of her children.

6:08 JACK SILVER ON THE PHONE

Jimmy had them get Jack Silver, the FREE FM program director, on the phone, to demand that he be allowed to say the word “Boner.” Jack makes an executive decision, and allows them to say it.

6:20 THE JERK REPORT WITH DAVE DAMESHEK
This might work better as a list of some sort, Jimmy thinks, rather than just an unordered list. Dave doesn’t want to give any of these jerks a leg up on the others, though.

There’s a magazine out there, called Sports Illustrated. They’ve got a list out now, called The Best Number 12s, and of course, Dave’s mind went straight to Terry Bradshaw, as he’s sure everyone elses did, too. But, somehow, who made it to number one? TOM BRADY!? WHAT! It needs to be Terry Bradshaw!

Many people have written in and said that not only should Jim Brusca be on the Jerk Report, but he should be put into the Hall Of Shame, along with Barry Bonds. This week, though, he’s going to spare Brusca. One last chance.

The NBA finals are tomorrow, and Dwayne Wade was on TV being interviewed about a phone call that he received from Michael Jordan. This is turning into a recurring theme — Michael Jordan calling up basketball players, and telling them what the score is. Dave feels like he needs to call up Jordan and tell him what he is. A JERK!

Now that’s over, and it’s time for some real professional comedy, Jimmy says.

6:29 CHRISTIAN THE 13-YEAR-OLD COMEDIAN

Christian has decided that, since he’s a protege of Jeff Ross, he is going to roast The Adam Carolla Show.

6:42 ADAM CAROLLA ON THE PHONE

Jimmy calls Adam at the hospital, where he awaits the birth of his children, to check in and see how he is doing. He’s very nervous, but okay. He turns up the volume on the heartbeat monitor so everyone can hear.

“I just got the stink-eye,” Adam points out. “Oops, I just got it again.” He’s pretty sure that these hospitals pay short-haired, fat women with thick rimmed glasses are paid to just make the rounds — they poke their head into each room, make a face as if they are seeing the most horrible thing ever, then move on.

Just in case Adam hadn’t picked any names, Jimmy reads off the top ten male and female African American baby names.

7:03 NEVAEH

The most popular African-American female name on the list was Nevaeh, and a listener calls up to point out that it’s actually Heaven backwards.

7:05 NEWS

Teresa reads the morning news.

7:15 SPORTS

Dave reports on the sports news.

7:29 DRUNKEN TREE MASCOT

Erin, a.k.a. the Drunken Tree Mascot, is on the program. She’s here to prove her case to Jimmy and the crew about why she should be allowed to be the nanny to Adam’s children.

Cassandra calls back in to compete with the Drunken Tree Mascot.

7:48 WHAT CAN’T ADAM COMPLAIN ABOUT?

It’s time to play a spirited round of What Can’t Adam Complain About, even though Adam isn’t here.

8:05 ROCKY SIX

Mike Dawson, Technical Producer of the show, is in the studio to talk about an advance screening of Rocky 6 that he saw last night. The name of the picture is actually Rocky Balboa, with no number in the title at all. Rocky owns a restaurant, and Adrienne is dead. He basically goes around telling people in his restaurant about his old fights, and they’re getting sick of hearing it, so he decides that he needs to get back on the horse and fight one last time.

Overall, Rocky 6 left this reviewer cold.

8:21 JOE ROGAN IN THE STUDIO

Joe Rogan, assumed arch-rival of Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla, is on the program. Jimmy wants to clarify that he is not enemies with Joe, despite what people might think of him following Jimmy and Adam on The Man Show.

A lot of people seemed to think that Fear Factor wouldn’t last, but it has — this is the sixth season. It’s gotta be over after this, though, Joe says. The ratings were terrible last season.

Joe tells the story of how he got into a fist fight with one of the Fear Factor contestants, and how he got into an email fight with some kid named Kevin on MySpace.com.

8:43 KEVIN ON THE LINE

Kevin, the person who got into the MySpace fight with Joe, is on the phone. He got a MySpace bulletin from Joe Rogan, saying that he had a show coming up, so he just went ahead and replied, and it just escalated from there.

The main problem Joe has is that the Internet, and the anonymity of it, has given people this carte blanche to attack others, and it’s not good. You wouldn’t just walk up to people on the street and tell them they weren’t funny.

8:49 OSWALDO AND ADAM CHECKS IN

Oswaldo checks in from the hospital, where Adam’s twins have now been born. They are 6 something and 5 something pounds, with the boy being the bigger of the two. He doesn’t know how Lynette and Adam are doing, but Adam has now called in, so they link him in as well.

Adam’s got to apologize to Ozzie — when he walked in, they handed him a mop. But before he unveils the names, he has to apologize again, because he’s already written two childrens books, and they’re going to be available on Amazon soon.

And now, the baby names.

The boy is going to be… Sonny Carolla.

And the girl is going to be… Natalya Carolla.

Lynette isn’t exactly “Viking stock”, Adam says. She didn’t exactly take child birth like a man. Adam was, in fact, in the delivery room, and he did cut the cord. He didn’t want to, but the guy handed him the snippers and just shoved him into his kids.

9:06 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:12 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports news, and plays a spirited round of NBA Player or Tech Stock with a caller.

9:27 PAT O’BRIEN ON THE PHONE

Pat O’Brien, from The Insider, calls in to talk a little bit about the birth of Adam’s twins. This has got to be the top story, Dave insists. Pat needs some tips on how to announce it on the show, though, so Jimmy comes up with a few ideas for him.

The real question Pat has for Jimmy, is this: is Jimmy going to have this news on HIS show? “Of course,” Jimmy says. “It’s all very incestuous.”

Incidentally, if you’d like to bid on the first photos of Adam’s children, call Pat O’Brien’s office.

9:43 BILLY MOSES ON THE LITTLE CAROLLAS

Jimmy brings Billy Moses, the 17-year-old “web gopher”, as Jimmy puts it, into the studio. He’s got to know one thing — is Billy jealous? No, Billy says, because Adam will still be at the studio every day, so he’ll still get to see him every day. Be careful though, Jimmy says, because Adam might start loving his children more than he loves Billy.

9:45 OZZIE ON THE LOOSE

They are trying to get Oswaldo back on the line, because Jimmy doesn’t want to bother Adam again, if they can avoid it. They can’t get him, but they can get Lauren, Adam’s sister. Adam’s mom is there at the hospital, but his father isn’t there.

Finally, they get Ozzie on the phone. Unfortunately, without Adam to translate, it’s difficult to understand what he’s saying. Jimmy instructs him to covertly take pictures of the kids, so they can sell them to magazines.

ADAM WITH DR. 90210, DONALD BURGETT AND THE LORD OF LIES

ADAM WITH DR. 90210, DONALD BURGETT AND THE LORD OF LIES — 5am to 10am PST, June 6, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 PAVING THE WAY

Adam’s decided that, unlike him, his children are going to college. But he needs a way to pay for it. So, he’s come up with an invention that’s going to take care of all of it for him.

A device that lets you cut your shoelaces to the right length, and then put that little plastic tip back on the end. Basically, it’s just a little plastic piece that wraps the top of the shoelace, and then some kind of heating element that shrinks it to fit, so it stays on.

If that doesn’t exist already, Dave says, it’ll definitely pay for a college education.

6:07 THE NANNY

Cassandra calls up — she still wants to be Adam’s nanny. She’s called before, several times, and now that the children are about to be born, she’s got to make sure that the job is hers.

Adam breaks her heart by announcing that he has a list of nannies. She asks — are they San Dieagan? Are they Puerto Rican? No, no, Adam confirms — she’s the number one San Dieagan, Puerto Rican candidate. That means the rest of them aren’t as hot as her, she says. She’s a 34C, 28, 36 and she’s got big, beautiful brown eyes. And, of course, she’s great with kids.

“Please stay on the line,” Dave asks her, “so we can have you send one of the producers a picture of yourself.”

Here’s the thing, though, Adam says. You always hear about these celebrities that hire hot whatevers — hot nannies, hot assistants, etc. And they inevitably end up running away with them, breaking up their marriage. Teresa wonders if Adam’s wife is ever jealous of his beautiful assistant Lindsey? No, she’s not, Adam laments. It really bugs him, too. Dave’s pretty sure he knows how that conversation went — “Oh, you think you can get Lindsey, Adam? Ahahahah!”

The best assistant to have is a guy, Adam thinks, except that he might bang your wife while you aren’t home. If you have a female assistant, or a gay assistant, it’s hard to ask them to carry things. You’ll know there’s a heavy box downstairs, and you need it upstairs, so you look at the female assistant, and you look at the gay assistant, and end up deciding to get it yourself.

As far as the nanny thing goes, Adam’s explained to his wife that she’s the nanny. The rest of the crew can imagine how that went. The funny part about that is, though, that his wife will be at home all day, but she’ll still want someone else doing all of the work. Back in the day, it was obvious that the woman would be at home raising the children. Not too long ago, women would have a daycare, or a nanny of some kind, so they could work during the day as well. Now, it seems like women have somehow swung it so that they don’t have jobs, and just sit at home all day, but they still have a stable of nannies and maids at the ready. The woman basically becomes some kind of at-home foreman, just managing all of the hired help.

6:31 JAN

Jan, from Plattsburgh, NY, is on the line. She was actually beat by her son with a promotional West Coast Choppers bottle opener, because she was rooting for Taylor Hicks to win American Idol, and he was rooting for Katherine McPhee.

Adam asks Jan if she talks to everyone in that condescending sing-song tone. “No, no, I’m sorry.” She tells Adam she’s a really sweet person. Everyone says that, though.

If this woman is not a candidate for “Definitely Not a Jew”, there’s never been one.

Apparently, during the Idol finale, her son was drinking 160 proof vodka. Adam notes that he’s got to write that one down — he didn’t realize it existed. Obviously, this incident proves that you should not sit around and booze with the family.

6:56 DONALD BURGETT ON THE PHONE

In honor of D-Day, Adam speaks with Donald Burgett, one of the men who actually participated in the Normandie D-Day invasion. Donald was a member of the 101st “Screaming Eagle” Airborne, and was awarded the Bronze Star, two Purple Heart awards, 4 campaign stars, 2 invasion bronze arrowheads, 3 U.S. Presedential Citations, 5 Divisional Decorations, and Holland’s Orange Lanyard.

His book, “Currahee! A Screaming Eagle at Normandy”, an account of his experiences during World War II, is in book stores now.

7:21 NEWS

Yesterday, the National Guard began their patrol of the U.S./Mexico border.

A study published yesterday found that strict parents are far more likely to wind up with children that are overweight. Children with strict parents may be eating to compensate for the stress.

7:30 SPORTS

Dave covers the sports news.

7:47 DR. 90210

Dr. Robert Ray, a.k.a. “Dr. 90210″, is on the program. He just got back from judging a Venezualan beauty contest, and my god — those women are absolutely gorgeous, he says. They don’t even get work done on them. Their secret is cross-breeding. They’ve managed to find the perfect mix to make the most beautiful women in the world.

Dr. Ray tells the story of how he did a little “air marshalling” on a flight he was on.

8:00 THE BREAST IMPLANTS

Caller Marco comes on the line. Someone has recommended that his wife have her breast implants removed before child birth, then put back in after she’s had the child. Dr. Ray doesn’t feel like that’s a customary procedure, and as long as she wears a bra around the house and everywhere she goes during the pregnancy, there shouldn’t be any complications.

A few more listeners call in with plastic surgery questions for Dr. Ray.

8:16 MORE BAGEL TALK

Adam’s going on a bagel rant again, he says. The hole in the bagel — can we not have that? Let’s just get rid of that.

8:17 SATAN

The Lord of Lies, the Sultan of Terror himself, Satan, calls up in celebration of Mark of the Beast Day. He’s got a few names for Teresa’s Vagina, as well as some fathering tips for Adam.

8:30 LYNETTE ON THE PHONE

Adam’s wife Lynette is on the phone. She’s very nervous about giving birth to their twins tomorrow, but she’s doing okay. She’s got to go see her OBGYN, the one that Adam apparently got into a fight with. Last time they had a run-in, she recommended that they name the boy Elliot. That sparked off a big debate with the two of them about whether or not Elliot is a “nerd name.”

“Was there a point in the relationship where you realized that Adam would be the father of your children,” Teresa asks? Oh yes, Lynette says — it was actually early on. He’s very nuturing and loving “in real life.”

8:55 DEAF FRAT GUY IN THE STUDIO

Maverick, a.k.a. Deaf Frat Guy, is on the program. He’s brought one of his frat buddies, Flojo, along with him. (You can check out Maverick’s new frat at DeafFratGuy.com.)

Flojo is still a member of Maverick’s former frat, so Adam and the crew talk to him about what it would take to possibly convert him to Delta Fu Gamma.

9:23 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:30 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports news.

9:46 LINDSEY’S ILL-FATED DATE

Lindsey, Adam’s gorgeous assistant, steps into the booth to talk a little bit about her date with the “Prince” last night. As some might remember from yesterday’s show, Lindsey tried to hook up with “Apprentice” winner Bill Rancic, but he pawned her off on this “Prince” character. They decided on a date to the live taping of the Apprentice finale last night.

For the record, he’s not a real prince. And the date wasn’t very memorable.

ADAM WITH BILL RANCIC AND BISHOP DON “MAGIC” JUAN

ADAM WITH BILL RANCIC AND BISHOP DON “MAGIC” JUAN — 5am to 10am PST, June 5, 2006

6:00 SIX SIX SIX

Adam is enjoying his last few days of childlessness, and at the last minute, he decided to have his kids morn on 6/7/06, instead of 6/6/06. Although he’s an athiest, he was a little freaked out about driving past so many ominous black and white billboards with his kids’ birthday written on it. Plus, so many people are up in arms over this, he figures he should just go ahead and push it back a day.

Dave disagrees with this reasoning. He feels like it’d be great to be the guy born on 6/6/06; you’d be quite the badass. Maybe, Adam says. But there’s a girl in that mix, and he doesn’t want her to be a badass too. A lot of people are saying that this is the apocalypse, Dave adds. There’s a lot of soothsaying and prognosticating flying around say that tomorrow, 6/6/06, may be the end of the world.

The real problem, Adam thinks, is all of the people who have to come up and tell you “your life is never going to be the same after kids.” Thanks, everybody. Why would you say that?

6:11 CINCO DE JUNIO

Since it’s Cinco de Junio, the Fifth of June, the mariachi band from the Cinco de Mayo celebration has returned to the studio. They play a little to introduce themselves.

6:13 NAMES

The burning question, Dave says, is this — have you decided on baby names? Yes, Adam and Lynette have picked out the names. He can’t reveal them yet, though. He’ll say what they are on the air after they are born.

6:27 PASTRIES

Adam got into an argument with his wife yesterday, over some pastries. Last week, he announced to Oswaldo that he was going on a diet. He responded by bringing a box of pastries by his house every Friday. That’s just how he shows his love. Adam likes to give people the thumbs up, and Ozzie gives people danishes. Adam, incidentally, LOVES danish. Unfortunately, his wife has no sweet tooth whatsoever. She just won’t eat the stuff. Finally, on Sunday, things came to a head. He opened the fridge, and saw the danish sitting there. He’s on a diet, so he can’t eat it. But there it is, staring at him. He screamed at her, “Would you please eat this danish?” She of course was confused, because she just didn’t want it. Finally, he had to tell her, “eat this goddamned danish, before I kill you with it.” Okay, fine, I’ll eat it, she says — and I hope I choke on it, and we all die.

Ozzie comes into the booth and apologies for giving him a danish.

6:35 ROCKY DELGADILLO ON THE PHONE

The other candidate for Attorney General of California, Rocky DelGadillo, comes on the line to talk with Adam and the crew in the interests of equal time. Adam has to vent on him a bit about the red left turn arrows, as well as the “Click It or Ticket” campaign.

Another thing Adam has a problem with is the 911 system abuse. Who is doing anything to stop the horrendous abuse of 911 for useless things like “turn my neighbors stereo down”? It’s just frivolous. Does anything get done? There is a fine for using 911 too much, Rocky says. It is something they try to pursue.

6:58 KIMMEL

Adam and Dave announce that Jimmy Kimmel will be hosting the show while Adam is out being with his newborn kids. He hopes Jimmy’s good, but not TOO good — he doesn’t want America to fall in love with Kimmel.

7:01 TELL ME SOMETHING I DON’T KNOW

It’s time to play a new game, and hopefully Jimmy will play a little bit of it, too. The new game, is “Tell me something I don’t know.” We’ve all heard so many things, but everybody seems to have a few factoids that nobody around them knows. So, in this game, Adam wants people to tell him things he doesn’t know.

After the crew runs through theirs, they take some calls.

7:19 NEWS

Canadian police foiled a terror plot over the weekend.

Last night was The Sopranos season finale.

Al Gore’s documentary, An Inconvenient Truth, has finally cracked the top ten. In per-theater averages, the movie is actually doing very well, Teresa says.

7:29 SPORTS

Dave covers the morning sports news.

7:44 BISHOP DON “MAGIC” JUAN IN THE STUDIO

America’s favorite pimp, Don “Magic” Juan, is on the program. Adam hasn’t seen him since they dressed up and did a little segment for The Man Show, where Adam and Jimmy turned out a couple of ho’s. Don remembers that Adam asked if they were going to get pulled over for driving with an “open chalice.” That’s the best part about Don — he drinks out of a chalice. When the cops see you drinking a can of beer, it’s obvious it’s a can of beer. But if they see you holding a chalice, obviously you’re just drinking the blood of Christ.

Don got his start in Chicago, before he came out to Los Angeles. So, Dave’s got to know — better hoes in Chicago, or L.A.? Definitely Chicago, he says. These girls in Los Angeles always have their hand out; they don’t appreciate the pimp very much.

Why’d you give up the pimpin’, Adam wonders? Well, one day, God came to him and told him he needed to give up the life, and give up the women, or he wouldn’t live another two weeks. Adam follows up — were you high? Oh yes, Don says.

8:12 JARON OFF DA HIZZLE

Jaron, the show’s black intern, is in the studio. He’s having a little problem with the ladies, and Adam wants Don to give him a few tips on talking to women.

8:27 FRANK VINCENT ON THE PHONE

Frank Vincent, a.k.a Phil Leotardo from “The Sopranos”, is on the phone to talk about last night’s season finale.

8:51 OSWALDO’S MOVIE REVIEWS

Ozzie is in the studio to review “The Break Up”, starring Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn.

9:08 BILL RANCIC IN THE STUDIO

Bill Rancic, the winner of Season 1 of NBC’s “The Apprentice”, is on the program to talk about tonight’s season finale. Adam wonders just how many of these they’ve done — it’s gotta be up to five now, he thinks. Tonight is the end of the fifth, Bill confirms. Somehow, Dave adds, Bill has managed to become the only famous winner of The Apprentice. The other ones have done some things, too, Bill says, but basically, that’s true.

Adam pitches Bill an idea he’s had for a restaurant: the food you ate growing up in your home town. People always leave town and come to Los Angeles, and have some In-n-Out burger, and say “Oh this is good, but such and such where I’m from is better.” It’s sortof like a food court, where you can grab, say, an In-n-Out burger, and then go across the street and grab some of whatever you ate back in the day.

9:39 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:43 SPO–

Dave tries desperately to do the sports, but Adam won’t let him.

9:43 DAVID IN THE CLINK

David, their fan from a California maximum security prison, calls in. He wants to play a little song on his guitar for the crew. The prison has good acoustics, Teresa points out. Adam feels like he could definitely do two years standing on his head with this guy strumming behind him.