ADAM WITH JOEY CHESTNUT, THE PENTHOUSE BEAUTIES, VAN STONE AND PETER WALSTON — 5am to 10am PST, June 15, 2006

6:00 BILLY’S DAY OF RECKONING

Today is the day that Billy takes the lie detector to determine whether or not he’s really a virgin. Brusca calls the other website guy, Marc, into the room to share an observation from yesterday — Marc walked in on Billy surfing “how to beat a lie detector” websites. “Oh, no,” Dave says. Adam sees that the odds have just shifted wildly.

That’s the thing with this kind of situation, Adam says. Billy had a split second to make a decision when he was asked by Adam if he was a virgin, he blurted out an answer, and now he’s committed himself to it until the bitter end. So now, of course, Adam’s got to fire him. But, Teresa asks, is there going to be any chance of redemption? Is there going to be any way for him, right before the lie detector, to confess? Adam’s not sure the Governor is going to make that call, but we will see.

6:06 ANN COULTER AND THE 9/11 VICTIMS

Ann Coulter is going to be on the program today, and Adam’s going to admit, he agrees with a lot of what she says. Okay, so she called the 9/11 widows “harpies.” But, she had a legitimate reason. She doesn’t feel like, just because these people had their spouses die, that they are entitled to everything. To Adam, the people dying in the 9/11 attack was tragic, but he equates it to people who were just driving home from work getting clipped and killed.

It may have been a bit much for her to insult the widows though, Teresa says. Maybe, Adam agrees, but she knows what she’s doing. She’s selling books. Everything she says is calculated.

6:25 JOEY CHESTNUT ON THE BLOWER

Joey Chestnut, the American hot dog eating champion, is on the phone. Not only is he the American champ, but he’s the number three competitive eater in the world. He’ll be facing the Japanese champion, Kobiyashi, on the 4th of July to determine the world champion. The crew wonders if he has any tricks? Two at a time, of course. Dave knows exactly how to intimidate this guy, too. Order the dogs slathered in mustard and ketchup with a side of fries. Or roll up with a huge pizza in one hand and a soda in the other. It’ll BLOW THEIR MINDS. Of course, he should also smoke some weed, Dave says. That’s basically like steroids for an eating contest.

Do you really feel that you are the only one to beat this guy, Adam asks? Yes, he does. He thinks he’s the only American who has a chance against this Kobiyashi character.

How about the doctor? Does he approve of this? Oh, absolutely not, Joey says. His doctor says he’s insane.

If he takes this thing home, the endorsement deals will be astronomical, Adam feels. Ball Park, Hebrew National, all the hot dog companies will want his picture on their packages.

6:45 BILLY MOSES ON THE LIE DETECTOR

Well, it finally comes down to this. Billy Moses is in the studio, hooked up to a lie detector, trying to prove that he’s not a virgin because no one believes him. Adam says that if Billy fails the test, he can’t work for the show anymore because he lied to him on the air. John Grogan is in the studio to administer the test. He says that polygraphs are 99% accurate. The only difference between an MRI test and a polygraph test is that the MRI costs $100,000 versus the $6,000 cost of a polygraph (which measures changes in perspiration, respiration and heartrate).

Adam asks how the digital polygraph works, and John says that the new polygraphs eliminate the chance for errors or being tricked. The information on the internet about how to beat the lie detector doesn’t work.

Adam gave Billy pleanty of chances to back out of this and simply admit that he was a virgin,but an explosive on-air personality like Billy’s simply needs to prove that he’s not lying. The lay person can use John’s services for $400 and make a housecall if you need to use his services.

John asks a series of baseline questions:

1) Is today Thursday? Yes.
2) Is your name William John Paul Moses? Yes.

Now the questions:

1) If you could kiss Adam, would you? No.
2) Did you state that Adam’s assistant Lindsey would be yours or that you could have her? Yes.
3) Have you masturbated while thinking about any female on our staff? Yes.
4) Do you think Dameshek’s bits are funny? Yes.
5) Do you hate Jimmy Brusca? No.
6) Do you think program director Jack Silver is an idiot? Yes.
7) Have you had sexual intercourse? Yes. Has your penis ever entered a vagina? Yes.
9) Has your penis ever entered a wooden vagina? No.
10) Have you ever been on top of a naked woman? Yes.

Jack Silver calls in and tells Billy that he hopes he enjoys his last day working at CBS. He tells Adam and Teresa that Billy needs to back away from the microphone. He doesn’t think that on-air broadcasting is in Billy’s future. Adam defends Billy; he tells Jack that he’s running his show the way he wants to, and no corporate suits in New York are going to tell him otherwise.

Teresa wants to know what it sounds like when a dream dies as John goes to check the results of the polygraph test.

Katherine calls in and is sad, because she thinks that Jack Silver is going to fire Billy. She says she’s crying because he’s going to get fired and he’s going to be stuck at home with her now. Adam tells Katherine to look at the bright side. At seventeen, he was two years away from cleaning carpets and three years away from digging ditches for $7 an hour.

Adam tells Katherine to hang on tight and he’ll send her a Kraigan gift certificate.

7:15 NEWS

Teresa covers the news.

7:26 SPORTS

Dave takes care of the sports news.

7:28 NBA PLAYER OR TECH STOCK?

It’s time for a spirited round NBA Player or Tech Stock.

Emeka. The caller says “Tech stock”. Incorrect!

Amgen. The caller picks “Tech stock”. That’s correct!

Zaza. Once again, the caller says “Tech stock”. Incorrect.

7:43 PENTHOUSE BEAUTIES

There’s a gaggle of Penthouse beauties in the studio, one of whom was Penthouse Pet of the Year.

Adam points out that there’s a ton of people standing outside the window to the studio. Don’t the tech guys have anything to do, he wonders? Van Stone is out there, too. They were apparently being a little weird in the green room.

Apparently, Brusca is frantically gesturing and trying to figure out why they won’t take their tops off. Is there a reason for that, Adam wonders? Did anybody ask? Nobody asked them, actually. Brusca sheepishly approaches the microphone and requests them to take their tops off. Dave bellows, “I LOVE BOOBS! I’M NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE FOR IT!”

They finally convince the ladies to show off a bit for the crew. Adam’s reaction? “WOW. Those are real? WOW!” It’s quite the bounty of boobs, Dave adds. Unfortunately, when it comes time for Aria to take her top off, she refuses. She’ll give them bra, but no bare breasts. Adam is shocked. This is nothing short of an attack. They plead with her, and attempt to bargain — Adam showing off a little left nut is put on the table and rejected — but they finally have to give up.

8:09 VAN STONE IN THE STUDIO

Van Stone, the third loudest band in Palmdale, CA, joins the Penthouse girls on the microphone. Adam has a plan to get Aria to show her breasts, and he’s going to need Van Stone’s help.

They tune up and crank out a song meant to loosen up the tops of the ladies.

8:33 THE ED CHIMES IN

The Ed from Vegas calls in to say that he’s pretty sure Billy Moses is not a virgin. If he’s 14, there’s no way he hasn’t had sex yet. Well, first of all, he’s 17, Adam says. Also, it doesn’t quite work that way in Billy’s culture.

Dan calls in. He wants to put $1,000 on the line saying that Billy is a virgin. If he’s so confident, why not take the bet? He’ll do it, right now. One hundred dollars. Adam sends him to get his wallet out of his office; he doesn’t want Billy betting money he doesn’t have.

8:45 BILLY’S LIE DETECTOR RESULTS

It’s time to bring Billy back in the studio, along with Mr. Polygraph, to unveil the results. Beore they start, Adam is curious about Billy’s life strategy, in pissing off the program director of Free FM. “I don’t know,” Billy squeaks out.

Let’s start at the first question, and see where he lied, and where he told the truth.

If he could kiss Adam, would he? He said no, and that’s truthful.

Did he state that Lindsey would be his? He said yes, and that’s true.

Does he masturbate to thoughts of any of the female staffers? He said yes, and that’s “very truthful.”

Dave notices that the phone lines are lit up with people wanting to bet Billy that he’s lying.

The next question was “Do you think Dameshek’s bits are funny?” He said they were, and that’s truthful. Okay, that’s it, he’s gotta get out of here. Sure, Adam and Co. put on a smile, but Dave isn’t really funny.

Does Billy think Jack Silver, the Program Director, is an idiot? Billy said yes. Unfortunately, he was lying. Adam feels Jack isn’t smart enough to sort that out, and will fire him anyway. Dave’s mind is blown. Why would he say that he was, originally? He was being explosive at the time. Katherine, Billy’s mom, feels she should point out that they rely on Billy’s income at her house, because she only works part-time.

A listener calls in and says he has $50 saying that Billy is not a virgin. Adam wants to take that action, and Dave isn’t sure. His head is spinning. Adam will take the $50, and he’ll pay $200 if he’s wrong.

Do you hate Jimmy Brusca? Billy said no, and that’s true.

And now, the moment of truth. Is Billy a virgin? Of course, Adam must point out, the real losers in all of this are Lindsey and Angie, whom both made appearances in Billy’s sexual fantasies. Before they announce it, though, Adam makes a few more bets with callers, and Billy recaps the story of how he supposedly lost it. Adam just cannot picture an afternoon delight with Billy Moses.

The verdict is…

Has Billy ever had sexual intercourse? Billy answered yes… and… it’s 100% true!

Katherine, Billy’s mom, comes on the line. She’s SO GLAD he told the truth, but she’s upset that he had sex — she’ll never see him the same way again. Adam seeks some redemption, though. How’d he answer the question of whether his penis has been inside a vagina? He answered that yes, and it was truthful as well. “DAMN!!!”

Brusca apologizes, and Adam apologizes as well, on behalf of the rest of the staff.

9:29 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news faster than she’s ever done it before.

9:30 SPORTS RECAP

Dave reca–, woops, Adam cuts it off.

9:38 PETER WALSTON ON THE PHONE

Peter Walston, a reporter for the Los Angeles Times, comes on the line. He’s the man who was called out by President Bush at a press conference yesterday for “wearing shades”, when he is actually blind. Bush later called the man and apologized, but Peter says he felt the apology was unnecessary, and he doesn’t like any kind of special treatment.

Adam is curious. He’s been told to not call people blind, rather, he should refer to them as “seeing impaired”. Peter has no idea what to tell him, though.