ADAM WITH DOM IRRERA, JULIANNA DEPANDI AND PRISONER DAVID

ADAM WITH DOM IRRERA, JULIANNA DEPANDI AND PRISONER DAVID — 5am to 10am PST, July 31, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 MEL GIBSON OWNS MALIBU

Over the weekend, as most know by now, Mel Gibson was pulled over on the PCH in Malibu for drunk driving. When they pulled him out of the car, he launched into an anti-Jew rant, then asked the arresting officers if they were Jews. Adam figures he did that in the wrong order. Generally, you should ask if they’re jews first, then launch off into the tirade.

6:06 TERESA OFF DA HIZZLE

Jaron and the rest of the staff got drunk on Friday, and apparently, he kept asking Teresa out. Teresa kept telling him, “No no, it’s not appropriate, we work together.” But unfortunately, he kept asking. Adam has noticed that the blacks tend to be allowed to ask out any women they want, any time they want, and there’s no repercussions. That’s because they sound smooth doing it, Jaron tells him.

6:20 DOM IRRERA

Dom Irrera, comedian, joins Adam in the studio to talk a bit about Boston and waiters at Musso & Franks.

In the new movie Barnyard, Dom plays the voice of Duke the Dog. Adam points out that he’s seen the billboards for this movie, and they are absolutely gigantic. The funny story behind that is, they were going to get a real dog to do the barks. Dom was indignant — “I do a pretty good bark.” So he did his bark for the guy, and was told, “you’re in.”

6:42 NEWS

Teresa covers the news.

There is unrest in the Middle East.

In Seattle, a 30-year-old Muslim opened fire on a group of Jewish people.

Mel Gibson issued a statement yesterday apologizing for his behavior when he was arrested in Malibu for drunk driving.

A new study has shown that the hungrier you are, the more likely you are to be attracted to a chubby person.

6:55 SPORTS

It’s the trade deadline for baseball today.

Dodgers beat the Nationals.
Pirates won, their fifth straight.
Padres beat by the Rockies.
Snakes won against the Astros.
Athletics won.
Mariners won.

38 days remaining until the NFL kickoff.

7:08 OZZIE

Ozzie joins the program to do a review of the new Miami Vice movie.

Overall, this movie left Ozzie, and Adam, cold.

7:31 WHAT CAN’T ADAM COMPLAIN ABOUT?

The band Sublime, possibly the most well-liked band in the history of time. First of all, Adam says, Bradley OD’d on the junk. They have a couple of good songs, but they have a couple of horrible ones too, and he gets a contact high while listening to them.

The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. When Adam thinks Big A, he thinks of something Bill the Gay Board Op would do to him over the weekend. Also, Adam agrees with that new name. People outside Los Angeles don’t know what the hell Anaheim is.

Road Warrior. It’s never on cable.

Tijuana. People like to go there to get a cheap hooker, but that’s the one area Adam doesn’t feel like he should skimp on. Also, a lot of the chicks there? Used to be dudes.

7:53 SHARING IS CARING

Adam went to lunch with his Dad on Friday, and his Dad asked him for a plane ticket to Philly. Everybody in his family comes to him and asks for things, he adds. Everybody in his family drives a car he pays for, he says.

8:00 TERESA HATES EVERYBODY ON THE STAFF

Everybody on the show, except Adam, went out to lunch on Friday afternoon, and some of them got a little more drunk than others. Teresa says she’ll never go out with the staff again, and it wasn’t even her idea in the first place. Brusca pipes up; he just wants her to bond with the team, and do a little socializing. She doesn’t like to socialize with her co-workers, she says.

To add fuel to the fire, Brusca actually invited Tracy Metro out to lunch with them. What the hell is that, Adam wonders? That’s blatant sabotage.

8:07 THE BILLY SAGA

The Billy Moses saga continues to unfold, after his firing. Billy, the former webmaster of the show, was let go because of his bad attitude and inability to listen to others. Apparently, he got on the internet, and began libeling the show and the people who work on it.

Billy comes on the line. He couldn’t care less about this situation. Adam, and the world, wants to know — what’s next for Billy Moses? He’s going to be working as a producer for public access shows in the Bellflower area. So he’s starting over, Adam says. But has he learned a lesson, Adam wonders, or was it everyone else’s fault? It was everyone else’s fault, Billy says.

8:26 PEREZ HILTON

Perez Hilton comes on the line, and apologizes for being on a cell phone. He weighs in on the Mel Gibson debacle.

8:47 GIULIANA DEPANDI

Guiliana Depandi from E! Entertainment joins Adam in the studio. Last week, her boyfriend Bill Rancic was in studio, and they played some damning audio of her talking about him with Jamie Kennedy on a weekend radio show.

Over the weekend, they had some relationship problems, due to that interview. She admits that she didn’t think Bill would ever hear that, and now she understands that there IS TiVO for radio — and its’ name is Adam Carolla. “Thank you,” Adam adds.

She co-hosts a show with Ryan Seacrest on E!. What the hell is Seacrests’s schedule like, Adam wonders? He’s got to be running all over the place, all the time. Well, she says, he’s actually had his radio studio moved downstairs from where he does the TV show, so it’s a lot easier for him. Plus, the money helps — $21 million dollar contract. That’s what Carolla is making, Dave tosses in.

Giuliana and Teresa team up to provide a little love advice for some callers.

9:27 PRISONER DAVID

David, the show’s prison listener, calls up. He was scheduled to come on the show for the past few weeks, but unfortunately he couldn’t make it, because the prison was on lock-down. He’s been in for thirteen years now, but it’s not looking good as far as getting out, because he’s probably in until 2015 at the earliest. He swears he’s an innocent man.

What shows do they watch in the joint, Adam wonders? Last Comic Standing is a popular program in there right now, David says. Lots of complaining goes on in there, though. What can prisoners complain about? Let’s find out, David says — he can put some on right now.

9:33 WHAT CAN’T PRISONERS COMPLAIN ABOUT?

A few prisoners come on the line to complain about the troubles of living your life behind bars.

9:45 NEWS AND SPORTS RECAP

Teresa and Dave recap the news and sports.

ADAM WITH KOLA BOFF, LOUIS C.K., DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE, COLIN FARREL’S (ALLEGED) STALKER AND PEREZ HILTON

ADAM WITH KOLA BOFF, LOUIS C.K., DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE, COLIN FARREL’S (ALLEGED) STALKER AND PEREZ HILTON — 5am to 10am PST, July 28, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 MAN, IS HE UGLY..?

Osama Bin Laden’s former mistress is going to be on the program today, and it makes Adam think that they could all get with her. Ugly guys like that can manage to get laid though, he concedes. It’s not like women, where they just get uglier and uglier. With guys, they can get so ugly, they are hot. You can see a guy who’s so ugly, all the hot girls want to get with him.

6:04 MIAMI VICE

Miami Vice is a movie that, much like other remakes, Adam started off skeptical of. All remakes are crap, of course, and Adam doesn’t want any part of them. Once he watched a little behind the scenes, though, he started to think, maybe I might need to see that. And finally, he saw the trailer, and now he’s camping out in line.

6:07 LAS VEGAS

Yesterday, Adam was on the set of the TV show Las Vegas, filming a little scene. In other sitcoms, he’s played himself, and in this, he played himself also. He always gets tasked to play Adam Carolla in anything, which is strange, because when you enter their world, everybody has a character name, but they’re all referring to you as your actual name.

Along for the ride to set was James Caan, which was a treat, of course. He’s one of those dudes that has just enough clout so that everybody is constantly chuckling at everything the man says.

6:25 OSAMA BIN LADEN’S MISTRESS

Kola Boff, Osama Bin Laden’s former mistress, joins the program via telephone. Dave, of course, has to ask if she found him a handsome man. She did initially, she says, but he turned out to be the devil. When they first met, she thought that he was just a rich mafia type guy, and she had no idea who she was.

Teresa wonders if Bin Laden has any unusual sexual preferences. His main one is that he likes women to be infibulated, which she is. Adam doesn’t understand what that is. What it is, Kola says, is the process of tying the muscles together of the vagina, and sewing it shut. She adds that she understands this is a comedy show, and that this is bringing the mood down. No no, it’s okay, Adam says. He’s interested. Can you tell if someone’s had this procedure done, Teresa asks? Definitely you can, Kola says, because they put tribal markings on. This is another culture, Adam says, so you can’t judge. We obviously don’t understand.

Unfortunately, due to the situation, she was recently let go from her writing job at Days Of Our Lives. Who better to write for a soap opera, Teresa adds, than someone who’s gone through all of the things she’s gone through?

6:53 NEWS

Teresa covers the morning news.

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has announced that he’s extending the tour of over 3,500 troops.

Jessica Simpson has a new album coming out, and as a publicity stunt, you can order a custom version of her new hit single for two bucks, where your name is inserted into the song.

David Hasselhoff is claiming that he was neither drunk, nor beligerent when he was removed from an airline flight recently.

Miami Vice is opening this weekend, as well as The Ant Bully and Little Miss Sunshine.

7:07 SPORTS

Dave covers the sports.

There’s a lot of talk about the steroids testing for the winner of the Tour de France.

San Diego lost.
Giants lost.
Diamondbacks lost.
A’s won.

7:23 A RE-ENACTMENT

Adam and Dave re-enact the story of a man who lobbed off his own penis on an eighteen-hundred-dollar bet.

7:41 LOUIS C.K.

Louis C.K., comedian and star of the new HBO hit series Lucky Louis, joins Adam in the studio.

Louis tells Adam that, at HBO, they actually do measure the audience watching the show and they know that his show is doing well. His show has episode 8 coming up. Dave mentions that Louis is breaking new ground with the material done on the show.

Louis tells the gang that you can’t be alone when you have kids. He has a four year old daughter who will be there when he gets out of the shower and toweling off. She stares at his nether regions. He says it’s kind of odd. Adam says that most males get a look at their Dad’s genetalia and say that it’s huge. Why? Because they’re tiny children.

A caller asks Louis if he’s Mexican, because she says that Adam is making fun of them. Louis says yes, but he was using that as a launch poit for his rant about Arbitron.

Some other callers call in to talk to Louis about his show.

8:19 DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE

Adam talks to 3-time wrestling champion Diamond Dallas Page in the studio to promote his book, “Yoga for Regular Guys.” Diamond tells Adam that he didn’t start his career until 36 years of age. Up until then, he was in the nightclub business, where it’s all about the booze, the broads, and the party. He claims that he would’ve died if he had stayed in that business.

For his own health, he HAD to get into professional wrestling.

At 37, he got his job in wrestling back after a layoff, and Hulk Hogan believed in him. By the time he was 42, he was with Carl Malone. He ended up getting a ton of mainstreem exposure, but it shot the hell out of his body going coast to coast constantly. That was when he got into yoga. It’s not just about flexability…it’s also strength.

Adam says that yoga is looked at as not a man’s sport. He also says how iimportant flexability is for a man’s health. When you stretch, you’ll never get injured.

Diamond says he trains Georgia Tech’s football team. Their team last year had only one injury. That’s the power of yoga — when you’re flexable, you’re far less likely to get injured. The easiest way to get regular guys into yoga is to change the name.

8:36 MORE WITH DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE

If you go to diamonddallaspage.com, you can get the book and the DVDs on “Yoga For Regular Guys.” With both of those in your arsenal, he claims that you’re good to go.

A caller calls in to thank Diamond for coming to Iraq to support the troops, hang out, talk to everyone and sign autographs. He tells Dallas how much they appreciate it. Adam says that if he was in Iraq, he wouldn’t get into anything. He knows that if he got in one helluva stretch on Monday, he’d step on a bouncing betty on Tuesday. That’s just the Carolla luck.

Dave asks Diamond to give an inspirational talk to the Adam Carolla Show staff.

9:00 DESIREE BRADFORD

Desiree Bradford, infamous for claiming that Colin Farrel is stalking her, joins the show in-studio. She’s recently been in the news because she rushed the stage at a taping of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, in an apparent attempt to “serve papers” to Colin Farrel. She now claims that she rushed the stage as a distraction, so that her attorey could charge up there and hand him the paper.

“Colin doesn’t care about the groupies he has sex with,” Desiree says.

Apparently, there was a bit of a tryst with Alec Baldwin, Desiree informs the crew. She was out walking her dog, near Alec’s production studio, El Dorado Pictures. He drove by, saw her, drove around the block, and came back. They wound up going back to her place, and she decided that she wanted to “ride the Magic Mountain” and “see what she could do.” Things got a little heated, and she didn’t realize that he was so into… punishment. He got turned on by the fact that he actually took control, Desiree claims.

There’s breaking news now, Desiree says. First off, Colin Farrel is finally admitting that he does know her, and refers to her as an “old flame.” But, he has spent the past few years affirming, in writing, that he had never met her, and did not know her. She is now launching an investigation to prove that he lied to a Federal court.

9:27 PEREZ HILTON

Perez Hilton joins the program, and before the news, demonstrates how gay men can do everything they want by doing a little groping of Teresa.

9:32 NEWS AND SPORTS RECAP

Teresa and Dave recaps the news and sports.

ADAM WITH JAMES VAN PRAAGH, EVIL KNIEVEL, BILL RANCIC AND DRUNK TREE MASCOT

ADAM WITH JAMES VAN PRAAGH, EVIL KNIEVEL, BILL RANCIC AND DRUNK TREE MASCOT — 5am to 10am PST, July 27, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 START THE PROCESS

Dave had to run to the bathroom right before the show was about to start. He went to go use the bathroom, and someone stopped him in the hallway and told him “I wouldn’t go in there unless it’s absolutely necessary.” That’s never, ever something you want to hear going into the bathroom, Dave points out. So of course, he was already being forced in there. Plus, he was already feeling the pressure because the show was about to start. It’s a situation he doesn’t like to be in.

6:05 SLIDE IT UP

Why is it that valets always seem to slide the seat in your car forward all the way, but they never, ever slide it back, Adam asks? It seems like it’d be more of an obvious choice to always slide it all the way back, he thinks. It’s kindof a treat for the seat to be all the way back, and you can slide it forward to your comfort. If you’re really tall, and the seat is all the way up, it’s practically impossible to actually get into the seat to even slide it backwards.

6:10 BROKEN KNIVES

In the communal kitchen at the station, Adam says, there’s a jar of peanut butter with a broken plastic knife stuck in it. Someone went, and made themselves a peanut butter sandwich, and then that was it. What exactly happened there? Adam guesses they’re all lucky that someone didn’t blow a snot rocket into it. Dave adds that it’d require them to acknowledge the presence of other people.

This brings Adam to the porta-potty situation. How often do you go into a porta-potty, and it’s just full of heinous leavings from other people? And the person who was in there before you couldn’t be bothered to put the lid down either, Adam adds. At what point did people stop caring about others, enough so that they can’t even put the lid down on the porta-potty? Adam’s pretty sure he knows who to blame.

The sports shoe companies.

They are the ones who launched huge ad campaigns targeted at this generation, telling everyone that they’re “empowered”, and that this is “their world,” he says. What’s going on with that? What ever happened to “mind your Ps and Qs”? What ever happened to respect? So these people are empowered, and they’re confident that they are unique and special, and then, they leave the goddamn half a knife inside the peanut butter jar.

A listener, Roy, calls in and tells Adam that if you give a porta-potty a good solid shove before you go in, it’ll slosh the chemicals around and “flush” it.

6:26 CHIEF THUNDERBEAR

Chief Thunderbear joins the program, to dispense his unique brand of dating advice. Since Chief Thunderbear only speaks Choctaw, Teresa Strasser will be translating.

The Chief has to do a little raindance to bring some much needed rain to the heat-stricken West, and then take a few calls.

6:46 NEWS

Teresa covers the morning news.

The second-in-command of al’Qaeda has released a new video tape.

Ann Coulter spoke up on a talk show recently, and proclaimed that Bill Clinton exhibits latent homosexual tendencies. Furthermore, she adds that he is that way because he’s narcissistic.

Lance Bass has said that he did not reveal the fact that he was gay because he didn’t want to jeopardize the careers of his bandmates.

A new museum display depicts the Angelina Jolie/Brad Pitt family, complete with their new baby. Visitors can have their picture taken with the faux family for a small fee, a portion of which goes to UNICEF. However, the display does not depict the Pitt/Jolie adopted children.

In Florida, a policewoman was pulled over for swerving back and forth on the road. When pulled over, not only did she have half a bottle of Southern Comfort on the passenger’s seat, but she was also “sans pants.” When she’s satisfied her punishment, she will be invited back to the Florida police force.

6:59 SPORTS

Dave covers the sports.

Fourty-one days until the NFL kick-off.

Halos beat the Devil Rays.
Athletics beat Boston.
Blue Jays got defeated.
Dodgers were destroyed.
Snakes lost in Philly.

7:02 THE HOTTEST DUDE

Yesterday, there was a spirited debate in the studio with Jimmy Kimmel and the show crew about the attractiveness of Jamie Foxx. Dave stayed up all night trying to find some more attractive people than him. And now, here’s the nominees for “Most Attractive Black Man”.

The honorable mention: Rick Fox.

And the first nominee is, The Rock.
Next, Lynn Swan.
Lando Calrissian.
Ice Cube.

And the best looking black man is…

JARON THE INTERN!

Mazeltov, Jaron!

Adam still contends that Jamie Foxx is hotter.

7:13 JAMES VAN PRAAGH

James Van Praagh, famed psychic and star of the TV series “The Ghost Whisperer”, enters the studio. Adam wonders how often he hears from people that he looks identical to Larry Csonka, the famous football star. He never gets that, James says, but he does get Tom Selleck.

Back when Adam was doing Loveline, James came on the show. On a break, James went into great detail with Adam about his home — he knew where Adam lived, the geographic features near his house, the sorts of things he had in his house, and an alarming number of other facts. During this, Dr. Drew sat nearby, nodding intently and agreeing with everything James said. Adam didn’t know where it was going, but he was buying into it, and figured James would give light-hearted advice. Finally, James said “do you have an open field next to your house?” Yes, Adam replied. “Well, there’s people in it. And they’re watching you.” What? Suddenly, Adam’s mind was filled with images of his lovely wife, at home, by herself… being watched by gang bangers. Now Adam knew that his wife, Lynette, buys everything these kind of people are selling, so if he told her what James had told him, she would be absolutey terrified. He spiraled into oppressive fear, constantly reminding her to lock the doors, close the windows, pull the drapes closed, etc. And now his house is sealed and secured like a federal prison.

They take some callers for James from people who would like him to contact passed loved ones and make sure they are doing okay, as well as other things.

8:20 EVIL KNIEVEL

Evil Knievel, arguably the most famous daredevil and stuntsman in the world, joins the program via telephone. One thing that Evil’s known for, besides his stunts, is what he did to someone who gave him a bad review. Adam says that once, Evil got a bad write-up from someone, and he went after the guy with a baseball bat. Not only that, but when he was on trial for it, he told the judge that he’d do it again if he had the chance, and may have in fact tried to do it again. Apparently, the reviewer said that he used drugs, which wasn’t true, and he got into Evil’s private life, saying he loved one family member and didn’t love the other, etc. None of it was true.

His son, Robbie Knievel, has a jump coming up this weekend. Adam can’t fathom how his son would follow in those footsteps. Evil asks, if Adam had Evil teaching him, and pushing him along, and pointing him in the right direction, he still wouldn’t do it? No, definitely not, Adam affirms. That’s the attitude that’s been stopping people from replicating Evil’s stunts for the past 30 years, he says.

8:45 BILL RANCIC

Bill Rancic, the original “Apprentice” winner, is in the studio.

Dave says that Rancic’s got it all. He’s got those classic good looks and he’s the new spokesman for Ace Hardware. Ada m asks how he got that gig, and Bill tells him that Ace Hardware was an original sponsor of “The Apprentice.” Adam is hurt by the fact that he wasn’t contacted by Ace Hardware, especially because of his nickname and the fact that he has 12 years construction experience.

Adam talks to the Ace Hardware representative, who tells Adam that there’s always room for more spokespeople.

Adam tells Bill they’re going to play a game of “Name That Tool.” Bill says he’s not an expert on tools.

They tell Bill what all the tools are, to help give him an advantage. Now, Adam tells him that he hasn’t heard any of these tools fired up for quire some time, but he will know them all from memory because he’s just that good.

As they go through it, Bill manages to get every tool right, except for the router, which Adam also gets wrong.

Bill’s girlfriend Julianna comes on the line, and they play a clip of her talking about Bill on another radio show, that he hasn’t heard.

9:25 NEWS AND SPORTS RECAP

Teresa and Dave recap the news, as Brusca tries to hold the Drunk Tree Mascot at bay.

9:43 DRUNK TREE MASCOT

The Drunk Tree Mascot joins the program for the first time in a while, to do a few cheers for the crew.

ADAM WITH JOANNA ANGEL, MORGAN SPURLOCK, JIMMY KIMMEL AND CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER

ADAM WITH JOANNA ANGEL, MORGAN SPURLOCK, JIMMY KIMMEL AND CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER — 5am to 10am PST, July 26, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 CLIFF IS THE MAN

Cliff from IE Coffee is in today to serve up a delicious coffee bar for the guests. Adam got to see how a pro cleans the soot out of the bottom of a coffee pot, which is always nice.

6:05 FRIED HELL

Adam just looked up at the TV and saw Wayne Newton on Good Morning Whatever, and realized that this guy is turning orange. He’s almost bright orange now, and he looks like fried hell. And of course, he’s one of the illustrious few that claims he is part Indian, and that’s what gives him his tenacity. “That’s how I keep my energies up!”

6:07 LINDSAY THE INTERN

The grizzled veteran, Lindsay the Intern, joins the program. She was out with Big Tad yesterday, as he did his skinny dipping in 10 fountains around Los Angeles. That must’ve made her hot, Adam says. She must’ve gone home and jumped right on top of her boyfriend. Dave asks, do you actually have a boyfriend? Yes, she confirms that she does. “I don’t like that,” Dave says. That just ruins the fantasies of all of the male interns, and Big Tad, and all the other males on the staff. It ruins Adam’s fantasy too, he says — any chance of him to live vicariously through others.

Adam asks Lindsay if she caught a glimpse of Tad’s penis yesterday when he was skinny dipping. Unfortunately, she did, although she tried not to. Hopefully she won’t sue for that, Adam says.

Apparently, Lindsay is dating someone that’s eight years older than her. It’s got to be one of those situations where the guy has a great job, Adam feels. There’s just certain professions that draw women to them. Fireman is one, of course, Dave says. But what about civilian professions? Bartender is a good one. But you can go from 0 to bartender in a few days.

6:30 OLD GIRLFRIENDS

A lot of times, guys and girls will keep “artifacts” from past relationships — old pictures, diaries, video tapes, etc. — and it’ll get them in some trouble.

Adam has people call in and tell their stories of when girls/guys have found this stuff.

A listener calls up with a great one: he found a copy of a tape where his girlfriend was going at it with another girl. Were they just getting into it, one hundred percent, Adam asks? Oh yes, they were, he says. Sadly, he doesn’t have a copy of it.

6:55 NEWS

Teresa covers the morning news.

The only person angrier than Adam right now is Ken Jennings.  He posted a “Dear Jeopardy” letter on a blog saying that Alex Trebec was replaced by a robot several years back.

Dave covers the sports report.

Dodgers are having some problems and things are gettng very ugly for them.  They’ve lost seven in a row.

Arizona Snakes beat Philly last night.

7:16  PORN STAR JOANNA ANGEL

Joanna Angel is in the studio, but she’s upset about all of the trouble in the Middle East.  Adam tells her that her hopes of keeping the Middle East stable just aren’t hot.  Jack Silver even says that she’s killing the mood with all the political cup.

Adam takes a look at Joanna and says she’s petite with a solid C cup.  She has a BA in English from Rutgers University, and she tells Adam that she doesn’t run into people she went to college in the adult industry.  Adam asks if she looks at the industry as the ultimate form of rebellion, and she tells him that she just wants to have a good time.  She doesn’t look at it as rebellion because she’s been rebelling for a long time.

Adam wants to know if they have a “likeness” of her available in the porn merchandising industry.  She says it’s in the works, but not in existence yet.

Adam tells Joanna about a device called the “Pornatard,” basically a slipcover for the human body where a man can imagine that he’s having sex with Jenna Jameson instead of their own wife.  Adam asks, as a woman, if Joanna came home to see her man going at it with a fake set of Jenna Jameson’s genitals or if she was asked to put on a Pornatard, what would offend her more.  She tells him that it’s the Pornatard.

Dave asks some James Lipton questions:

What is your favorite word?  Purple.
What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?  Using household objects as sex toys.
What would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?  What can I do for you.

Adam plays a game of “Name That Poon” with Joanna and some caller.  All you need to do to play the game is pick out which moaning voice belongs to Joanna.

7:37  MORE WITH JOANNA ANGEL

Adam looks at the prizes that he’s prepared to give out in a rousing game of “Name That Poon,” as well as the back of one of her box covers.  He tells Joanna that he likes her.

They have some sort of metal balls that go on the trailor hitch of a truck, and some adult videos that you would need to come down to the station and pick up if you win.  Dave is outraged that anyone would have to come down and pick up a video, but Teresa quickly tells him that it’s only so they can prove age.

Everytime a caller gets an answer right, Joanna has to shed a piece of clothing.

7:57 THE SOLAR PANEL EXPERT

As a follow-up to yesterday’s discussion, a solar panel expert joins the program to talk with Adam about his plans to put a solar panel on every home and business, to reduce the load on the power grid, and generally make our lives easier during times like this heat wave.

Paul Finn, an expert in the field of solar energy, comes on the line. Adam wants to know if this technology is particularly useful for the home, and unfortunately, Paul says it doesn’t work very well for homes, because people don’t typically work at home. Can’t you just have it turning that little wheel on your power meter the other way? You technically can, Paul agrees, but — power companies won’t let you do that right now. It’s heavily regulated, because if you aren’t buying power, they aren’t making money.

Why can’t we put a stop to this strain on the grid, Adam asks? Why can’t we solve this problem with solar power? It’s Groundhog Day in politics, Paul says. You go to sleep with an energy crisis, and you wake up with a plan for coal. It’s a never-ending cycle.

8:19 THE JERK LIST WITH DAVE DAMESHEK

It’s time, once again, for Dave to unveil the jerks of the world, in a little segment he likes to call, The Jerk List.

First on the list, is Dave Dameshek. This is the second time he’s turned the Jerk Laser on himself, Adam says. Two nights ago, the power went out at his house. And after fourty-five minutes, he almost killed himself. “I’m WEAK,” Dave shouts!

Next up. Jeffrey Kelley just got convicted for murder. A while back, his family grounded him from going to prom. So, he killed every member of it, then went to the prom. JERK! Come on! It’s just a prom! It’s not a Steelers play-off game!

And now, the Coveted Get Out of Jerk Free Card. This week, it goes to his Urukai, the people looking out for the jerks of the world. Dave almost drowned in the emails he received this past week, and one of them he wants to bring up. Chris Alcot points out that SMART cars are jerks, because they aren’t smart! They do nothing for you!

Next on the list, is Chris Alcot, for coming up with something better than anything Dave has ever come up with. Chris can play his Get Out of Jerk Free card if he’d like.

This past week was the Miss Universe competition. When they were naming the judges, one of them caught Dave’s attention the most. A GAY MAN! WHO SENDS A GAY MAN TO JUDGE A FEMALE BEAUTY CONTEST? You don’t send the Deaf Frat Guy to a Who concert!

The other day, Dave was at the Farmer’s Market. The woman at the counter offered to validate his parking. He handed her his card, and she handed him another one, and said “You just need this one.” He said no, I need both of them. She repeated that he didn’t need the original, just the new one. He insisted, but she did also. He thought, maybe they’ve changed it. So he tried to pull out of the parking lot, and the woman at the gate said “No, you need

And now, the Creep of the Week. There’s been a massive flood of emails saying that the name of the Jerk List should be changed back to the Jerk Report. But, there’s been an even bigger flood of emails nominating our FREE FM program director, Jack Silver. Not only for removing the peanut butter, but for firing semi-retarded webmaster, Jack Silver. So, Jack Silver, you are… the CREEP OF THE WEEK!

Jack comes on the microphone and thanks Dave for the honor.

8:38 MORGAN SPURLOCK

Morgan Spurlock, writer and director of Super Size Me and star of the hit new FX show “30 Days”, joins Adam in the studio.

Right after 9/11, Morgan ended up homeless, Adam says. What’s up with that? Well, production shut down at his company, so he was broke. He was living at his office for 9 months, and racked up a quarter of a million dollars in debt.

Super Size Me was a sensation, Adam says. How much did it cost, and how much did it make? Morgan declares that it cost about $65,000, and it’s grossed almost many, many millions. It’s great, Morgan says, because so many people donated their time and efforts to the movie for free, so once it grosses so much, he’s able to pay them all.

Recently, Morgan had to spend 30 days in a prison for his show. How’d his wife like that, Adam wonders? She wasn’t a huge fan of it, he says. And although they were filming, they were only filming for a few days of his stay, so it’s not like he could just go sit in his trailer between takes. It was a very unique experience. Did people know who he was in the prison, though, Adam wonders? Not a lot of documentaries make the rounds in prisons, Morgan confirms.

A listener calls up, and it turns out, he’s actually been on an episode of an upcoming 30 Days episode (which airs tonight,) related to illegal immigration. They took a man who was wholly against illegal immigration, and placed him with an illegally-immigrated family for 30 days. He’s seen an advance copy of it, and he feels like Morgan completely skewed the piece in editing, and tried to make it look like he suddenly came to love illegal immigrants. Morgan disagrees, and feels like everybody should obviously know that 30 days wasn’t enough time for this man to start loving illegals — what he was trying to illustrate, is that this family touched the man, and gave him something to think about. Adam asks, did Morgan have a certain direction in mind when editing this episode? No, he didn’t set out to skew it, he says.

9:10 CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER

Jimmy Kimmel strolls into the studio, but Adam’s torn — he just saw Cedric the Entertainer pop up on the phone list. Jimmy tells Adam to take the Cedric call, and not to mind him.

Cedric comes on the phone and talks a bit about his new show.

9:25 IT’S LIKE, WAY HOT

Jimmy and Adam pontificate for a bit about how crazy the coverage is of the California heat wave. Why is it that we can’t deal with this heat? The news reporting on it acts as if it is the end of the world, and the other day, someone was even seen on television stating that this is “just like Katrina.”

9:30 NEWS AND SPORTS RECAP

Teresa and Dave recap the news and sports.

ADAM WITH THE BIG TAD SKINNY DIPPING CHALLENGE, SAMANTHA COLE, JERRY FERRARA AND DAVE THOMAS

ADAM WITH THE BIG TAD SKINNY DIPPING CHALLENGE, SAMANTHA COLE, JERRY FERRARA AND DAVE THOMAS — 5am to 10am PST, July 25, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!
6:00 WHO HAS THE POWER?

Adam kicks off the show with a rant about power. Los Angeles and various other parts of the U.S. are currently dealing with “rolling blackouts” — due to the heat wave, everybody is running their air conditioners, which is straining the power grid beyond its’ limit. Dave adds that his power is out as well, and it has been since about 4pm yesterday. After a few hours of no TV, he says, he was contemplating suicide.

We’ve got the answer though, Adam says. We can just put solar panels on every house. Why aren’t we doing that, he asks? If aliens came and we had to explain to them that we COULD be using solar power, but we DON’T, they would think we are retarded.

6:24 LINDSAY

Lindsay the Intern has joined the program. Adam asks her what a gorgeous woman like her is doing working here. She says it’s because she loves talk radio, and she loves the Adam Carolla Show.

The show is sending Big Tad out into the city today, along with Intern Lindsay, to ten different public fountains. He’s going to have to jump into these fountains, and do a little skinny dipping. He has till 9:30am to hit all 10 locations, and if he can hit all ten, he gets one free month of rent.

It’s time to take the bets. Brusca thinks he’ll do 6, because he’s got some DUIs, so he’ll be cautious. Teresa is going to bet that he hits 8 fountains, after finding out that one of the station’s Street Teamers is driving the van. Dave is going to take 5, just to go low.

6:32 MORE ON SOLAR POWER

A listener calls up to talk a bit about installing solar panels on new homes. Apparently, there’s a California State tax credit for people who have their own solar power systems. These homes can be built with solar power panels and all electric appliances. Adam definitely respects that, and furthermore, he feels like there definitely need to be more incentives for people to have these systems installed in their homes. It costs a small fortune, sure, but you’ll make it back in savings — and it takes load off of the grid.

Another listener calls up. He feels like the economics don’t justify the cost — it takes 15-20 years to make the money back off of a solar power system. So what, Adam asks? So what if it takes that long, because not only are houses a longer term commitment than 15-20 years, but it’s just the right thing to do.

6:50 THE FIRST STOP

Big Tad and Intern Lindsay are over at Wilshire/Sierra Bonita, at the first fountain stop. She starts the call by freaking out and declaring that “security is coming over here”, but they walk by.

She gives a play by play as Tad charges towards the fountain, drops his towel and jumps in. He was totally nude, dancing through the water, Adam says? Lindsay says yes. Now he’s running back. He jumps in the van, and they high-tail it to the next one, which is directly next to the first one. He does the same drill — jumps out, runs to the fountain nude, dances through it, and gets back safely.

They saddle up and head cross-town to the next one. Lindsay says she’ll check back in as soon as they arrive.

6:53 NEWS

Teresa covers the morning news.

7:07 SPORTS

Dave covers the sports news.

7:26 BIG TAD CHECKS IN

Big Tad is out and about getting nude in fountains across Los Angeles. He’s just arrived at fountain number three. He puts Intern Lindsay on the phone to do the play-by-play of him dropping his towel and charging into the fountain naked.

And now, he’s off to the next fountain.

7:28 WHAT CAN’T ADAM COMPLAIN ABOUT?

It’s time for a spirited round of What Can’t Adam Complain About — listeners call in, name a topic, and Adam will complain about it.

A beautiful, brand new roll of duct tape. Adam likes it, but it’s become a panacea — a universal tool to correct everything, but not right. So instead of fixing things right, they just use this duct tape.

Firefighters. They won’t save everything you want them to. We’ve got these stickers on windows nowadays that inform the firefighters that we have cats or dogs in the house. But can we get stickers that say, “Don’t save me, save my porn”? No, of course we can’t. Not only that, but firefighters have the cushiest schedule out of anybody else on the planet. While they aren’t fighting a fire, they are sitting around waiting for a fire.

Clean underwear. Adam bought a pair of white underpants, and it’s got the tag in the front. That’s a good idea, he thinks. But only if every other pair he owned had the tag in the front, too. So now, he’s constantly putting those underwear on backwards.

7:44 MAVERICK

The Deaf Frat Guy, a.k.a. Maverick, joins the program. He just went to see Superman at the theater, but he didn’t want to use one of those dumb closed caption devices. So, he had a woman standing in the front center of the stage, signing the movie. She got yelled at, and things thrown at her, which was completely out of line, Adam feels.

Dave points out that Deaf Frat Guy has a self-defense video on his website. What’s up with that, he wonders? Well, an attempt was made on his life, Maverick says. With a potato gun. He was out and about, and a potato flew past his head.

7:58 BIG TAD’S BIG GASH

Lindsay calls in — Big Tad jumped around in the fountain at Universal Studios Hollywood, but he slipped and fell. He banged his head pretty hard on the side of the fountain. Is he okay, Adam asks? Lindsay’s pretty sure he is going to be okay. He comes on the line, and tells them he realizes he’s running pretty far behind. He’s going to have to step up his efforts in order to land that free rent for a month.

8:02 MAVERICK’S ADVICE

Maverick takes a few callers, and dispenses his unique brand of advice.

8:04 OFFICER JOE

A police officer, Joe, calls in. He feels this Big Tad situation is out of control, and he’s going to try and track him down to arrest him and put a stop to this travesty of having Tad naked in fountains.

8:18 SAMANTHA COLE ON THE PHONE

Samantha Cole joins the program. She’s the former mistress of Christie Brinkley’s husband, Peter Cook, who apparently has had several 19 year old mistresses. She originally dated him back when she was 19, before he had started fooling around with Christie. After a while, she was hoping to get married to him, but she had no idea that her relationship with him was overlapping his relationship with Christie.

8:42 JERRY FERRARA

Jerry Ferrara, also known as Turtle from the HBO series Entourage, joins Adam in the studio. His show is now entering its’ third season, and Adam feels like everybody is jumping on board with this show now. Surprisingy, Jerry says, they picked up a huge fanbase just from DVD sales during their off season.

Episodes of this show are over so quickly, Adam says. It really flies by, because it’s a 30 minute show, and that works out to about 24-26 minutes after all the intros, outros and promos. Jerry says they’ve considered expanding to an hour, but it doesn’t fit the format.

The life they live in this show is something to be envied, Adam adds. What a world, Dave says, where a man like Adam Carolla can be jealous of the lives of fictional characters on an HBO show.

9:00 TAD CHECKS IN

Big Tad calls up. He just leapt nude out of fountain number 7, and he’s on his way to number 8. Teresa’s pretty sure he’s lying. None of them are quite sure that he can make it to the next three in a half an hour.

9:02 NEW YORK SPORTS GUY OR TECH STOCK?

Dave and Jerry play a spirited round of New York Sports Guy or Tech Stock, with players calling in to have Jerry play for them. If he gets it right for them, they win fabulous prizes.

9:16 NEWS AND SPORTS RECAP

Teresa and Dave recap the news and sports.

9:33 DAVE THOMAS

Dave Thomas, of SCTV fame, joins Adam in the studio. He’s recently starred in the new movie White Coats, which was released on DVD today.

9:46 A RE-ENACTMENT

Maverick, a.k.a. the Deaf Frat Guy, is going to do a re-enactment from the movie Strange Brew, with Maverick playing Bob, and Dave playing the role he was born to play.

9:49 BIG TAD’S NUDIE EXPLOITS

It’s Big Tad’s final check-in, and he’s at the tenth fountain — a pond in MacArthur Park. There’s a bit of a controversy, though, because Brusca swears that Tad didn’t make it on time, and doesn’t get his month of rent paid. Intern Lindsay comes on the phone and tells him that Tad was there at 9:30 on the dot, and he should definitely get it. Adam agrees; they should pay him.

ADAM WITH THE CHAGNON FAMILY, NORM MACDONALD AND JOE FRANCIS

6:00 PRETTY NORMAL

Adam looks like a man who just recovered in the ICU, Dave says. How was Mexico? It was really good, Adam says. It’s the kind of vacation where you could seriously transition to living your whole life like it. Renting a big house, having cooks and drivers that wait on you, napping three hours after you wake up from another nap, etc. — it’s all so good.

6:09 TYING ONE ON

While Adam was off to Mexico, Dave says, the crew went off to the Farmer’s Market and got a little drunk. Nothing new was learned, though — Angie still got the most drunk, Brusca sweat off about 20 pounds, and Jaron failed to close the deal with any ladies.

6:14 DAVE’S GOT TO GO

Reverend Chris comes on the line, and he’s got a beef with Dave. He’s not on-air talent, Chris contends, and he needs to go back to writing. What ever made him think he could be on the radio? It’s only a few minutes into the first hour, and Chris is already irritated by Dave. Dave is upset — he demands that this be stopped, before he walks out.

Another listener, Steve, calls up and says that Chris is wrong — Dave’s the next best part of the show, after Adam. Dave says he’ll go ahead and come back into the room now.

6:26 CHAGNON FAMILY MUSIC REVIEW

The Chagnon family, Jan and Cory, come on the line to review a CD. As many may remember, these are the mother and son who got into an argument over who was going to win American Idol, and the son ended up hitting the mother and causing her to need 7 stitches.

6:45 WEBMASTER BILLY

During the segment intro, it was announced that they’ll be talking to Webmaster Billy, and Adam needs to point out that he thinks Billy got cut loose. He was a good kid, but Adam knows nobody on the staff misses him. He came in and was a sweet boy, but eventually he started getting a big head, and getting in everybody’s face, and now, he’s gone.

6:46 NEWS

Teresa covers the morning news.

6:56 SPORTS

Dave covers the sports news.

7:00 THE MISS UNIBROW COMPETITION

It’s time to announce the Adam Carolla Show equivalent to the Miss Universe competition — the Miss Unibrow contest. Women from all the markets should email in their photos, and a little bit about themselves, to bigtad@adamcarolla.com. The show staff will be widdling the competitors down to one representative from each market once they receive enough entries.

7:16 THE B WORD. NO, NOT THAT ONE.

Adam starts to tell a story about how some people get boners during a massage, but unfortunately, there’s some trouble with the censor letting the word “boner” onto the air, which results in them running out of delay and having to shut the microphones off. Adam throws his headphones off and storms out of the studio, while Brusca, Dave and Teresa try to work out exactly what the problem is. They getJack Silver on the line, who proclaims that they can say the word boner, if it’ll help them “get some goddamn ratings.”

7:21 MASSAGES

When Adam was getting his massage in Mexico over the weekend, he wondered, does anybody get a boner during a massage? He asked a room full of people, and about half of them raised their hands. It’s really difficult to avoid getting one, Adam feels. They put you in a room, they strip you naked, they put you on your belly, and they rub you down for 30 to 45 minutes with oil on their hands. Then, they flip you over. Of course you’re going to have a boner.

Colby calls up. She’s a masseuse, and she doesn’t see many boners on guys, but she has before. She claims she never sees them because she uses a sheet on guys when she rubs them. Adam can’t wrap his head around how a sheet would protect her from the boner. Unless it was sheet rock, Teresa adds.

7:42 OZZIE

Ozzie joins the crew in-studio to give his review of the new M. Night Shyamalan movie, Lady in the Water.

Overall, this movie left the reviewer cold.

8:00 MR. BRIGHTSIDE

It’s time to play Mr. Brightside. Call in with your problems, and Adam will turn them around for you.

The first caller has a genuine problem: the weed has run out. He wants to get stoned, but he can’t, because he doesn’t have any weed, and none of his friends do, either. Well, get drunk then, Adam says.

It’s going to be 112 in Fresno today, and the caller has got to go to a meat packing plant to clean out a separating tank. Dave wants to know what the hobopower is on that; in this weather, it’s off the charts, Adam says. After spending 8 hours cleaning that tank today, though, just stepping outside will feel like freedom. He’ll appreciate everything so much more. He’ll cherish every moment.

On to the next caller — she lives in Phoenix, and it’s going to be up near 115 degrees today. But she doesn’t have a car, because her husband, who is stationed in Italy, won’t send it to her.

8:11 BILLY THE WEBMASTER

Apparently, something went down in Jack Silver’s office last week. Brusca chimes in and says that Billy Moses, the webmaster, was indeed let go. It was brutal, he says. Adam points out that Jack was constantly offering to fire Billy.

Brusca feels bad for Billy, but ultimately, he feels like Billy needed the reality check.

Billy comes on the line. He’s humble and sober, Adam adds. Billy starts off by saying he misses everybody on the show so much, even though it’s only been over the weekend. Adam tells him that it was just a problem with his attitude — people didn’t like getting the stink eye from some kid who was only 17. People defend him and say he’s only 17, Brusca says, but the interns like Jaron are only a little older, and they carry themselves professionally.

The real Jack Silver enters the studio. As everybody has read, CBS Radio is cutting back, and Jack figured he should start at the bottom. He didn’t feel bad about it at all.

Brusca chimes in and mentions that Billy was posting on the website since he’s been fired, and saying that Jack Silver could’ve been fired instead, if it’s for budgetary reasons. Okay, maybe it was partly for budget reasons, Jack says, but mostly it was because he was disrespectful. Billy’s response isn’t heard, because he uses the F word, and has to be dumped out.

Ultimately, Adam tells Billy that he needs to own this — if he blames Jack Silver, he’s going to learn nothing. He needs to blame himself, take a lesson from it, and move on.

8:44 GIRLS GONE WILD

Joe Francis, the mastermind behind the Girls Gone Wild video series, joins the program to talk with Adam a bit about his massive quantities of wealth.

9:10 HOT OFF THE WIRE

Earlier in the show, they talked to Billy the Former Webmaster, and everybody got a little insight into why he was let go. They tried to put him on the right path, but it just ended with Billy telling the program director to “F off”.

Well, Billy got on the Adam Carolla Message Board, and posted the following explosive message:

“When I make the MILLIONS, I am going to come back to CBS Radio, stand right out side of the corner office (Jack Silvers office), jump on a mega-phone and yell how do you like me now Silver when KLSX is stuck at a 2.0 for ratings, and I’m up in the mid 8 range. God it felt so good to tell Jack to F off. “

Jack Silver comes on the mic — he hopes Billy will hire him when he’s tearing up morning radio. Psyche!

9:12 NEWS AND SPORTS RECAP

Teresa and Dave recap the news and sports.

9:33 NORM MCDONALD ON THE BLOWER

Norm McDonald, comedian and former SNL cast member, joins the program via telephone. He’s on the show to promote the World Series of Poker, and Adam wonders, is Norm still a compulsive gambler? And overall, is he up or down in all of his gambling exploits? Oh, down, way way down, Norm laments. He’s gone completely flat broke several times in his life.

ADAM WITH JACK SILVER, VAN STONE, JIMMY KIMMEL, SHANDI FINNESSEY, VERONICA CORPENING AND VIRTUAL ADAM

6:00 AVERAGING OUT

Adam’s flying out to a bachelor party today. Kimmel is already at the airport, he points out, and he feels like that’s a big waste of time. If you’re flying somewhere, on average, it’s not going to take more than 4 to 5 hours on a single plane. So you have to figure — if you fly a lot, and you consistently show up 2 to 3 hours early, it doesn’t take long for it to equal up to whole other flights that you didn’t take. It’s too much time to spend at the airport. He’d rather cut it close and miss a flight or two, and he’s only ever missed 6 or 7 in his life. Teresa has to add that she’s never missed a flight.

6:10 NO MORE PEANUT BUTTER

Yesterday, Brusca and Angie got “called to the carpet” by Jack Silver. He demanded that they stop expensing peanut butter and bottles of V8 for Adam, and claimed that it was “rude” for them to be expensing food for Adam. This is the huge difference between television and radio, he says. In television, everywhere you go, you find a spread of food and drink beyond what you could want. In radio, you find a vending machine, and a little container of “Coffee whitener”. And god forbid they step it up, even a little. First, you’ll want real coffee creamer. Next, you’ll want a donut. It becomes a slippery slope for them.

6:26 BED AND BREAKFAST

Some people are big fans of those bed and breakfast places, but Adam’s definitely not. Why do people feel like this is something cool to do? You’re essentially sharing a house with strangers, and usually, not all of them are quite in on the situation. You’ll end up in the kitchen with someone who doesn’t really understand why you’re there, or the owners will go into town and you’ll wonder what the situation is regarding leaving and coming back, and lots of other complications that make it not worth the trouble.

Instead of a bed and breakfast, get a bunch of people together, and rent a house. Especially if you’re going to be in Mexico. It’s a much better experience.

6:32 SOLVING THE CRISIS

Jack Silver is demanding that they stop purchasing the peanut butter, so Dave has discovered the solution. They’ve gotten ahold of Jack’s credit card number, and Dave is currently sitting online assembling a tremendous bounty of food to order and have delivered to the station. Lots of peanut butter, lots of jelly, some whiskey for Angie, some socks for Mike August, a side of beef for Big Tad.

Like clockwork, Jack Silver calls on the line. “What the hell is going on over there?” How dare he say they can’t have
peanut butter. He certainly can have all of that, Jack says, but he needs to dig into his own pocket for it. You people, including Tom Leykis, all have tremendous difficulty dipping into their own wallet to pay for things. Adam feels like this is show business, not to the extent of television, but it is still show business. And in every other aspect of show business, there is a plentiful cornucopia of food. Jack has no response for that, so Adam has to go ahead and hang up on him. He tells Dave to keep ordering, and Dave replies, “I shall.”

6:50 TOM LEYKIS ON THE LINE

Tom Leykis calls up. He heard the slight against him by Jack Silver, and he wants to voice his support.

6:53 NEWS

Teresa goes over the news.

7:01 SPORTS

Dave covers the sports news.

7:17 VAN STONE

Van Stone, the third best band in Palmdale, joins the program. Randy and Bert Van Stone, as well as Hawk, who incidentally, is not in the band, are in the midst of a controversy. They played the Knitting Factory on July 15th, and it’s sparked a bit of a debate. They were up on stage there, rockin’ the place, spraying everyone down with their artificial penis, and waving a big flag around — when someone jumped on stage and lit the flag on fire. So, being smart, Hawk spun around and tried to extinguish the flag with the artificial penis, and unfortunately, the fake semen got all over the monitors.

Somehow, they managed to do $5,000 worth of damage.

Morgan from the Knitting Factory calls up. He swears the fake penis wasn’t in their rider. “Of course it’s not,” Randy says, “because if we put that in our rider, we’d be turned down.” Morgan swears that if he’d known about it in advance, it would’ve been fine. The point, Randy says, is this. If you book Van Stone, you get a giant penis. That’s just how it works.

7:37 JIMMY KIMMEL’S WILD RIDE

Jimmy Kimmel calls up with a bizarre list of items that Adam needs to bring with him when he joins Jimmy and the rest of the gang at a bachelor party in 2-3 hours. Incidentally, Jimmy’s been emailing the hell out of Adam’s assistant Lindsey, and has been getting absolutely no response. Adam is thoroughly embarrassed, and apologizes.

Teresa wants to know how Adam’s wife Lynette feels about him going to this bachelor party down in Mexico. His answer? Who’s Lynette? “Your wife! The one who just gave birth to your twins!” Adam only knows of one set of twins, and they’re coming with him on the trip — and not in the overhead storage bin, either.

7:53 SHANDI FINNESSEY

Shandi Finnessey, former runner-up at the Miss Universe competition, joins the program — she was also previously Miss USA. Is she married, Dave asks? No, not as such, but she is seeing someone. Dave doesn’t like that.

Incidentally, Adam’s going to a bachelor party later, if she wants to come with. She can bring the sash and tiara, she adds. Just bring the sash, and that’s it, Adam says.

One thing that Shandi has done since the competition is writing a children’s book, “The Fur Tails”. A listener, Ryan, calls up — he’s 13, and he tells Shandi that he read her book, and it sucked. Adam tells him he’s never going to get anywhere with that attitude.

8:10 A CLOSET HOMO

Van Stone is in studio, and Shandi feels like maybe he’s a closet homo. Sure, he’s all rock and roll, and he’s cool with his sunglasses, and he’s drinking a beer at 8 in the morning — but earlier, they were having an in-depth discussion of Project: Runway.

8:14 MADE UP CHILDRENS BOOK

It’s time to play a spirited round of Made Up Children’s Book. Listeners call in and name an object, and Adam will try to come up with a children’s book based around that object.

Alfred calls up. His object is a traffic cone, one of those orange ones. First off, he’s in a family. The Stack family. Maybe his name is Woody Stack. He doesn’t like to be in line with all the others; he always steps out of line with the other cones. But of course, because he steps out of line, he gets hit by a truck. Shandi stops Adam there — maybe he doesn’t get hit by a truck, maybe he avoids getting hit by the truck, and he runs off to the woods, and learns that sometimes, when you step out of line, you find a better life. Adam contends that he gets hit by a truck, and teaches us the lesson that individuality is important, but you should listen to your parents.

Rocky comes on the line. First off, he feels like Teresa is much more beautiful than Shandi. Secondly, he wants them to write a children’s book about a chainsaw. Chester the Chainsaw, Adam says. He starts off as the friend of the lumberjack, and he’s cutting down all the trees. All the trees cry out — CHESTER! NO! DON’T CUT US! But he does. And then, he runs into the petrified forest, and he can no longer cut through them, so he gets cast aside. The evil developers want to tear down the forest, and the chainsaw has to side with the forest. This could definitely be ghost written for a celebrity like Leonard diCaprio, Shandi says. Daryl Hannah even, Adam says.

8:33 JIMMY KIMMEL CHECKS IN AGAIN

Jimmy Kimmel calls up again from LAX, and gives more info to Adam on what to bring with him to the bachelor party.

8:49 OBEY

Veronica Corpening, author of Women Need to Obey Men, is on the line. She’s written this book to inform women that they need to start being better wives and girlfriends. They need to do what their men tell them.

Adam’s wife Lynette comes on the line. Adam tells her that Veronica’s an M.D., so Lynette needs to listen to everything she says. She tells Lynette that first off, she needs to give Adam as much sex as he needs, or he’ll go somewhere else to get it. Secondly, she needs to always look good, no matter what. Lynette says that men should have to do this too, right? They should have to look decent at least? Because Dave Dameshek just got married, and now he’s gaining wait like crazy. Teresa adds that he’s actually gaining weight right now. Dave would come back, he says, but he doesn’t want to have to deal with a fountain of tears and six weeks worth of nasty emails.

9:18 METH HEADS REDUX

Since Adam is off to the airport to fly down to Mexico, he’s going to replay the original “Meth Heads” call.

9:50 NEWS AND SPORTS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news, and Dave recaps the sports, with Virtual Adam chiming in as needed.

ADAM WITH DOC WILLIAMSON, IVAN REITMAN, SUGAR RAY LEONARD AND REPUBLICAN RICHARD MARTIN

ADAM WITH DOC WILLIAMSON, IVAN REITMAN, SUGAR RAY LEONARD AND REPUBLICAN RICHARD MARTIN — 5am to 10am PST, July 20, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 THE MORNING CHAT

Mike, 18 years old, calls in with a problem.

Adam tells a caller named Mike that he doesn’t want his kid to be hooked up with a girl he calls his “girlfriend” from the time of high school to college. Doug goes on to tell Adam that his girlfriend ended up getting herpes, and he himself just got tested and gets his results next week.

Adam tries to give Adam some advice, like try using a condom to make sure you don’t get infected, but Mike comes back with he “doesn’t like wearing a condom.” Adam tries to figure out why someone like Mike, who is 18 years old, would even call him to tell him that he doesn’t want the advice. Adam goes on to tell Mike that there are a lot of medications that his girlfriend can take to take care of the virus.

Dave chimes in and tells Mike to cut his girlfriend loose. They’ll probably go to college and the relationship will end anyway. Besides, at 18, herpes is a deal breaker.

Adam mentions that when people don’t agree with him, he believes that they are simply placed on earth to anger him.

6:27 DAG

Adam called David Alan Grier last night and told him about an animation on the net featuring him, Dr. Drew and himself. They were prepping for Jimmy Kimmel’s brother’s bachelor party.

6:31 DOC WILLIAMSON

Doc Williamson wrote the book “The Teenage Girl’s Guide to Better Sex.” He tells Adam that he comes from the world of entertainment and has no credentials for writing a book like this. He’s not an expert, but he feels he has his own point of view on the subject – especially regarding their knowledge to sex.

Adam talks to Doc and asks if the book teaches a girl how to properly perform oral. Doc says yes, and Dave chimes in with the fact that Doc says that teenage girls are best built to have babies.

Program Director Jack Silver comes in and tells Adam that he’s bored to tears with this conversation. Make with the sexy.

Doc tells Adam a story about what happened on another radio show. The point of his story is that if you can’t have a sexual conversation with your teenage daughter, how can you teach her about safe sex? Adam tells Doc that he thinks it comes back to teaching your children to be responsible. That covers them for every situation they come into.

Adam hangs up on the Doc, and a caller calls in and tells Adam that Doc is simply complicating the entire matter of youth sex. Adam tells Vic that it’s all about publicity: just create something controversial and work the circuit. The problem is that you still need to have something to say on the matter.

6:51 NEWS

US Marines touched Lebanese soil for the first time in many years.

A sixty-pound snake named Houdini swallowed a blanket and required 2 hours of surgery to remove the blanket.

Daniel Baldwin was involved in an automobile accident that brought authorities to the scene.

Kevin Smith directed Clerks 2 and it’s getting less than rave reviews.

7:06 SPORTS

Barry Bonds might get indicted today for tax evasion and perjury.

Mariners win in Yankee Stadium.

Dodgers lose.

Snakes win.

Milwaukee loses.

The British Open starts today.

7:22 A RE-ENACTMENT

It’s time for Adam and Dave to do another one of their classic re-enactments. This time, they bring us a father and son. The father decided to illustrate to his son a tribal killing. He obviously intended to do it safely, but he was using a large knife, and he asked the boy to hold still. The boy didn’t hold still, and didn’t like it. The father accidentally stabbed the boy through the heart.

Adam and Dave act out the call from the father to the mother after the tribal killing went down.

7:39 IVAN REITMAN IN THE STUDIO

Ivan Reitman, producer of Animal House, Ghostbusters, and more recently, My Super Ex-Girlfriend, joins the program.

Back in the day, Adam points out, he and Jimmy Kimmel brought a script to Ivan where Kimmel would play a 33-year-old man who’s never gotten laid, so Adam and others take him on a road trip to try and get him some action. Ivan told them it would never work — that nobody would believe a 33-year-old virgin. And just recently, we had… The 40 Year Old Virgin. Massive success. Ivan doesn’t remember that pitch, he says. How convenient, Adam retorts.

Who struck Ivan as the brains of the operation during their pitch, Dave asks? They both seemed very intelligent, and that’s not pandering, Ivan says. “Then why did you yell at us, Ivan?” Apparently, they would be told to make changes to the script, and they would show back up, and the changes hadn’t been made.

On to matters at hand — My Super Ex-Girlfriend. Comes out tomorrow. Adam wonders, does Uma Thurman have any comedic chops? She’s done a little comedy in Kill Bill, but can she dive into a full-on comedic role? She’s a terrific actress, Ivan says

8:01 SEE YOU IN HELL

Adam has to pitch his movie idea, See You In Hell, to Ivan. After the pitch, Ivan has to be frank — he was completely bored with that pitch.

8:07 MADE UP MOVIES

It’s time to play Made Up Movies — listeners call in and name movie titles, and Adam will invent a movie for them.

The Last Soldier. Remember all those instances of Japanese and other soldiers that were lost and forgotten in the war, and thought the war was still going on? Well, this is an American of the same genre. Now he’s back in the modern society. Dave has an exciting twist — he’s a revolutionary war soldier, and he was frozen, and now he’s in modern society.

The Panda Bear. This is a kooky adult animated comedy, Adam says. This is about a male partner who, when partnered with a female panda, will only accept oral. How about this instead, Dave says — the Manda Bear. There’s a panda bear that nobody will mate with, except for the lonely zoo keeper.

Ivan says he doesn’t know what he’s doing here. He doesn’t know how they do this for three hours a day. Dave asks if they can pick a new title, and maybe he can come up with one? Ivan says no. Adam points out that Ivan doesn’t actually come up with his own ideas, he just critiques others.

8:23 DEAF FRAT GUY

Maverick, a.k.a. the Deaf Frat Guy, joins Ivan and the crew in studio. Maverick immediately presents Ivan with a new mini-funnel key chain.

Here’s the pitch, Maverick says. There’s a pitch, Ivan wonders? Yeah, here’s the pitch. Animal House 2. It’s a prequel, but here’s the catch — it’s Back to the Future, so it’s in the present day, the frat is Delta Fu, and you’ve got the Animal House dudes playing Maverick, Moose and Poochy. The opening scene, a guy is walking to class, and the camera pans out over the Quad. The guy drops. He’s been shot with a potato gun, and we don’t know who did it. Ivan likes this — there’s a mystery aspect to it. This is just depressing, Adam says, that Ivan shot down every idea he had, but he loves the Deaf Frat Guy.

8:39 SUGAR RAY LEONARD

Sugar Ray Leonard, championship boxer and quite possibly the greatest athlete of all time, joins Adam and Co. in the studio. Dave has to point out that Brusca had his pregnant wife get out of bed, find his Sports Illustrated with Sugar Ray on the cover, and bring it to the station so he could sign it. “Is that true,” Sugar Ray asks? Yes, yes it is, Brusca admits.

This new show, The Contender, is a really fabulous take on the reality television idea. Instead of people having arguments and becoming contentious verbally, they take it to the ring and settle their differences that way instead.

Who would win, Dave asks — Sylvester Stallone in his prime, versus Sugar Ray Leonard right now? Complete annihiliation, Sugar Ray proclaims. He’d beat you that bad, Dave says? Sugar Ray is shocked, as is Brusca. “OF COURSE HE WOULDN’T! SUGAR RAY IS A PROFESSIONAL BOXER! HE’S BEAT UP TWENTY OF THE TOUGHEST MEN IN THE WORLD!”

Now here’s the real question. Sugar Ray’s had twenty years in between championship titles. Can anybody ever pull that off again, Adam wonders? Sugar Ray highly doubts it.

During the break, Adam and Sugar Ray got competitive with the Hooters Punching Bag. Adam managed to pull in at the 520s, but Sugar Ray popped a 536. “It got pretty heated,” Brusca chimes in. Dave adds that it was hard for Sugar Ray to punch with Brusca masturbating next to him. “I COULDN’T HELP MYSELF!”

9:19 NEWS RECAP

Teresa recaps the news.

9:25 SPORTS RECAP

Dave recaps the sports news.

9:35 REPUBLICAN RICHARD MARTIN

Richard Martin, Republican representative from the state of Ohio, joins the program. It’s been quite a while since Richard has been on the show, Adam says, and so much has happened.

As usual, Dave has no idea why Richard is on the program. He doesn’t fit the show, and he doesn’t really share any ideologies with the listenership. Adam feels like it’s good to offer alternative viewpoints to everyone.

Let’s talk about the Kenneth Lay situation, Adam says. He passed away before he could ever serve any time. Poor, poor Ken, Richard laments. The man who taught us all that you can never have too many houses, and they can never be too big.

A listener calls in and argues with Richard over the issue of legalizing prostitution.

ADAM WITH DAVID ALAN GRIER, PEREZ HILTON, PATTON OSWALT, ROGER LEDERER, NICKY HADEN, PEREZ HILTON

ADAM WITH DAVID ALAN GRIER, PEREZ HILTON, PATTON OSWALT, ROGER LEDERER, NICKY HADEN, PEREZ HILTON

6:00 THE MORNING CHAT

Adam says he got into radio for the money, number one, but also to be able to exercise his sense of humor. Early on, he realized that there were a lot of dreams he had that he was absolutely no good at. He knew he could work with his hands and make $9 to $14 an hour, or he could take a chance and go where the money is.

There’s a bird expert calling in this morning. Adam notes that birds are smart, they’re mean, and they fly. Adam used to have a cat named Norman that birds would dive-bomb and torture when he grew up in the valley. He started thinking, if you can train a dog for protection, why not a crow? Most crows are smarter than Big Tad. They’re angry, their black and they come from above. Plus they’d work for food.

Bottom line: all birds are evil, mean creatures. Some birds, like doves, are nicer than others. But it’s a push. All birds are mean.

Crows would be perfect creatures for self-defense. And no one will care if a few crows get shot during a hostage situation. Plus, you’d think twice before you tried a nefarious activity. How could you tell which crows were the normal, everyday crow and the police crow?

Adam thanks Baha Fresh for dropping off food this morning.

6:25 CROW FACTS

Adam is looking at his list of crow facts. He was laughing because Molly is such a sweet dog and when she wags her tail, her whole body bends in the middle. His wife mentioned that the exterminator came over to the house and needed to have Molly put away before she could start exterminating the spiders living there. And Molly wouldn’t hurt a fly. He thinks it’s like people saying they don’t like other human beings because of being hit when you were a kid.

6:32 ROGER LEDERER

Rodger Lederer is a bird expert. Adam talks about some crow facts, like they can be taught to speak and can match primates in the intelligence department. He sees no reason why his crow plan wouldn’t work.

Roger tells Adam that Adam’s crow plan might work because birds can scare people. And they can do damage with their talons. Adam wants to know if you can train crows as a pet? Roger says definitely. They trained a lot of birds for the movie “The Birds” back in the 60s. And Roger tells Adam that he could definitely train the bird to know him by sight and swoop down on people if he was attacked.

Adam asks about crow temperament. Roger tells Adam that they tend to be aggressive birds. Adam looks at the pros: crows are black, they’re mean and they can swoop down from above. Plus Roger tells Adam that the crow could be trained to follow you in your car.

Roger tells Adam that crows have 100% mortality and will die within a week if they catch the West Nile virus. And also, federal law protects all birds although they may not be endangered.

6:50 NEWS

Violence continues in the Middle East. 8,000 Americans are supposed to be evacuated from Lebanon, and the State Department considered charging Americans for the cost of the evacuation, somewhere between $150 and $200 per person. A lot of them were tourists vacationing or visiting family. At this point in time, the State Department is picking up the costs.

Law Enforcement officials determined that Met causes more problems than any other drug.

John Cusack has a stalker: a 31-year-old woman. He was granted a restraining order.

Rock Star Super Nova last night. There was a bit of a judging controversy.

Christie Brinkley’s divorce scandal is getting worse.

7:06 SPORTS

Bryant Gumbel and Terrell Owens on HBO Real Sports last night for battle of the blowhards.

Bums over Snakes, 4-1.

Dodgers at 500.

Gigantics dumped Milwaukee.

Atlantics half a game up.

Seattle having a rough year so far. At least they have the best collection of names in MLB.

Dave introduces a new game. Being that he’s a master impressionist, he starts to play “Dave’s Sports Impressions.”

7:21 MR. BRIGHT SIDE

Adam plays a game of Mr. Bright Side with the listeners.

David has a problem because he’s 22, broke up with his girlfriend and he’s losing his job and hitting the booze. Adam tells him that you have to have the experience because without it, you would have an incomplete life. You need highs and lows.

Scott tells Adam that his girlfriend went completely psycho, they broke up and today is her birthday. Should he take her back? Adam tells Scott once your break up that’s it. The good news is that Scott didn’t get the HPV from her and he learned a valuable lesson.

Chris called in and has problems with his father and sister having cancer. Adam tells Chris that life is for the living, and there will be a lot of sympathy tail thrown his way at his sister’s funeral. If they go at the same time, he might get a two-fer.

Michelle calls in and she tells Adam that she’s hot. She’s been dating a plethora of guys, but now she’s dating a man who’s a lot older than she is. Adam says she should just call people and tell them that she’s hot.

7:50 PATTON OSWALT

Patton Oswalt in the studio, the reigning Celebrity Nerd-Off Champion. He’s here to talk about his D&D conquest last night, which lasted until about 12:30. He’s going to do a recap of his game last night in the Patton Oswalt Dungeons & Dragons report.

Patton says that there was a lot of tension last night because an astral dream walking form went through the catacombs and they had no idea how to get through the catacombs because the dream walking form could travel through walls. Needless to say, this caused a whole lot of problems.

8:08 THE JERK LIST

#6 Adam Carolla. Dave says keep your stinking feet away from me. And all men that wear sandals out into the general public are included!

#5 Terrell Owens and Bryant Gumbel for their talk on HBO last night.

Get out of dirt free cards:

Beef Jerky! Because so delicious you will overlook it has the work “jerk” in it.

#4 God. It’s horribly hot and spiders are everywhere and Dave is losing his hair and growing a fat gut!

#3 Julian. It’s the height of hubris to name a style of cutting vegetables after yourself.

#2 Headphone Cords. They get tangled and strangle you. It’s a malicious deed and an act of defiance.

Creep of the week:

Old people playing baseball games. 94-year-old Buck O’Neil got two at bats during an actual ballgame. He was walked twice. What if a 90-year-old man gets a hit and you can’t hit a simple ball coming out of a pitching machine? What will that do to yourself esteem?

Nathan, a 13-year-old, calls in to say he’s offended that Dave put God on the list.

8:28 DAVID ALAN GRIER

David Alan Grier is in the studio. DAG is excited today and saw the greatest movie of all time. It’s a movie about motorcycles. And he made People Magazine’s 50 hottest bachelors last year.

Adam tells DAG that he’s going to a bachelor party this weekend. DAG laughs saying that he’s going to a bachelor party with his wife and kids.

8:49 MORE WITH DAVID ALAN GRIER

DAG grew up in a house where he went to church a lot, so when he has a good day he gives thanks.

Adam says he has problems when you thank God for the tiny nickel and dime things, like the dome light turning on in the car, and treat it the same way as the big stuff.

Adam asks David about Nicky Haden. David says that Nicky is the greatest motorcycle racer living today.

9:04 NICKY HADEN

Nicky Haden is in the studio. He’s the best racer today in Grand Prix Motorcycle Racing. Adam talks to him and asks if this is like the formula one on two wheels. Nicky says that that’s definitely a good analogy.

Adam says that, unlike Nascar, the Moto GP takes a lot of skill to master.

9:23 NEWS AND SPORTS RECAP

Dave and Teresa recap the news and sports headlines.

9:37 PEREZ HILTON

Perez Hilton stops by to dish the Hollywood dirt.

Christie Brinkley’s divorce scandal isn’t as big a deal as reported. For her, it’s just an enormous self-publicity jaunt. Every man cheats. It’s simply not as big of a deal as reported.

ADAM WITH THE METH HEADS, ALEC BALDWIN, SUNNY LANE AND ALIEN ANT FARM

ADAM WITH THE METH HEADS, ALEC BALDWIN, SUNNY LANE AND ALIEN ANT FARM — 5am to 10am PST, July 18, 2006

Dial 866-901-ADAM(2326) to call into The Adam Carolla Show!

6:00 CATCH IT WHILE THEY’RE FRESH

Adam has a problem with the idea of seeing a famous porn star in her 200th movie, or however many she’s done. He would much rather see their first one, where they’re just starting out, and they aren’t all used up yet. Dave agrees, and he can see why — you wouldn’t want to pick up the hooker at 2am when she’s been out with guys all night, you’d rather be the first guy of the night.

Does this mean Adam wants his women clean, as in, no tattoos or piercings, Teresa wonders? That’s true, Adam says. Tattoos and piercings just don’t do anything for him. Especially when it’s a “period piece” porn, Dave adds. When they set the porn in the olden times, and it’s all classy and what not, and then they’ve got tribal tattoos all over their arms, it sort of ruins it.

Think of it this way, Adam says. When you buy a used car, you pull the bumper stickers off. Adam wishes he could do that with tattoos and piercings on a woman.

6:24 THE METH HEADS UPDATE

Big Tad has hit the streets in Whittier, CA, to give us a virtual tour of the apartment where Sarah and Carolyn, the meth heads who called into the Adam Carolla Show, live. He’s on the phone, still standing outside, and there’s a very annoying dog sitting nearby, barking its’ ass off.

It’s a brown apartment complex, and it’s a retirement home for ages 55 and over, Tad says. “They’ve seen that we’re here, and they’ve opened the door for us to come in.” What’s it smell like, Adam asks? It’s actually very cold in the apartment, and it smells like smoke. Tad asks Sarah, the mother, where her daughter Carolyn is. Adam’s assuming she is sleeping, but apparently, she’s wide awake and around.

There’s a very small kitchen in the apartment, Tad says, but it’s got a fridge and what not. Adam will give Tad a hundred dollars if he can find a box of Hamburger Helper. He can’t find that, but he can find a can of Chef Boyardee and some cans of Natural Light. What about the drugs, Adam wonders? Tad can’t see anything related to drugs around the apartment.

Neal calls in. He’s almost positive that Tad will be able to find some marshmellow cream in that kitchen. Tad continues his search, but he’s not finding this stuff, sadly. Adam wonders if Tad’s ever been in a kitchen this long without eating something. One of those fake IKEA kitchens, maybe.

6:50 NEWS

Teresa covers the news.

7:00 SPORTS

Dave covers the sports, and plays a spirited round of NBA Player or Tech Stock.

7:19 ALEC BALDWIN ON THE LINE

Alec Baldwin, Adam’s dear friend, comes on the line. Alec says not to seek the truth regarding whether or not they’re truly friends, because it’s Hollywood. Of course they’re friends.

He’s out in New York teaching an acting class, and then he’s going to just vacation for the rest of the summer on Long Island. It’s got to be nice having all that “F You” money, where you can just go off and do little side projects or vacation. Does he ever have to go back to the well, Adam wonders? Can he just F off, or does he have to sell his soul? The man’s got his soul in a plastic baggy and he keeps it in the fridge, Alec says.

7:26 WHAT CAN’T ADAM COMPLAIN ABOUT?

It’s time for a spirited round of What Can’t Adam Complain About? Call in, name a topic, and see if Adam can complain about it.

The first topic comes from Dave. How can Adam complain about Alec Baldwin calling in? Well, it’s hard being friends with celebrities. There’s a lot of pressure; almost too much. If they’re bigger than you, are you hanging out with them, or are they hanging out with you?

Guacamole. He loves it, but it has more calories than cheesecake, and it comes from a goddamn tree.

A free high school bikini car wash. Like one of those 80s movies, Adam asks? Well, that’s tough. But, they do ruin your expectations when you go to a real car wash.

Fifty-percent-off sales. To Adam, that’s the same as “Order Now, and we’ll throw in another Wondermop®.” How good can the product be if they can just toss in two for the price of one, all of the sudden? It cheapens the product.

The Datsun 510. Well first, Datsun was Datsun for a long time, but it’s really Nissan. And second, Datsun doesn’t work on the ladies. When they hear that brand, it doesn’t exactly wet the panties.

Being an athiest. This is an easy one. Being an athiest is good for everyday life — when you’re cutting people off in traffic, or screwing your neighbors over, or whatever — you can do whatever you want. That’s great, until life ends. Then you just go into the ground. No heaven, no hell, just the top of the coffin.

7:44 SUNNY LANE IN THE STUDIO

Sunny Lane, adult film star, joins the program, along with Yergei, a Romanian adult film producer. One interesting facet of Sunny’s life, Adam says, is that before she got into adult film, she was actually a figure skater. Before that, she was a Yoga instructor. How the hell do you jump from that to porn, Adam wonders?

Yergei directs Sunny Lane through a scene.

8:20 TERESA’S SINGLE!

It’s time to check in on Teresa’s love life. She’s single now, and there’s been a lot of callers and posters online who would love to date her. But here’s Adam’s take. Be careful though, he says. This may be the sort of thing where you hear it, and you’re fine with it, but on the way home, you burst into tears. She can handle it, she says.

Adam feels like Teresa’s very smart. Too smart, though. She’s up in her head, and people can’t get her out of her head. Nothing can. So at first, guys feel like, “Wow this is great — she’s smart, and I can talk to her.” But after awhile, it all falls down. She’s too smart for them to talk to, and she’s too smart for her own good.

A listener calls up. He feels like Teresa handles her relationship with Dave similarly. He’s funny, and she’s funny, but he can always hear Teresa finding fault with what Dave’s saying. It’s her job, she says. Brusca points out that Dave never finds fault with what Teresa says, though. Adam just loves that everybody on this staff hates each other. The only thing they can agree on is that they all hate Billy, he says. Yes, Teresa says. Billy brings them all together.

8:42 ARE YOU GAY?

It’s time for everybody to play “Are You Gay?” You total up your points, and at the end, Adam will go over the scores and see how gay everybody is.

One point for every diet soda you drink per day.

Two points for every mock turtleneck you have in your closet.

One points for every yogurt in your fridge, of an exotic nature.

Two points for every alcoholic drink you’ve made in a blender this month.

Four points for having a squeegee in your bathroom.

Three points for each potted plant in your bathroom. (Deduct three points for every venus fly trap. Also, deduct three points for a pot plant.)

Ten points if you’ve seen anything in person, “On Ice.” (i.e. Disney On Ice)

Three points for every kind of soap you own that’s not in bar form. (Bryan asks for clarification — hand soap as well? Yes, Adam says.)

One point for every pair of shoes you own above eight.

One point for everything you’ve gotten framed.

Five points if you’ve ever wrapped a gift in anything other than newspaper or tin foil.

Eight points for any custom stationary you’ve had printed up.

Thirty points if you own leather pants.

Fifty points if you’ve ever performed oral on a guy.

And finally, you can deduct five points if you’ve ever named your penis. If you named it Seth, however, you have to add five. Also, if you’ve named another guys penis, you have to add 25.

The scale is as such:

Below 20, you’re definitely straight.
20 to 35, you’re sort-of bi.
35 to 40, you’re gay, but you’re top — a prison top. Butch gay.
40 to 50, you’re gay, and you’re bottom.
50+, and you’re super gay. You’re Board Op Bill.

As a control, Teresa played too. She scored a 137. Board Op Bill got a 102. It’s proving to be an effective test so far, Dave says. Bryan the Sound Guy got a 24, because he framed two things in the last year. Also, he owns a lot of yogurt, and a lot of soap. He’s very experimental, Adam says. Brusca got a low 20. Jack Silver got a -32. Dave got a 39, because he owns so many shoes.

9:16 ALIEN ANT FARM IN THE STUDIO

Alien Ant Farm joins the program, to perform their cover of Smooth Criminal for Adam and the crew.

Because of Teresa’s new status as a single, they’ve also composed some lyrics for the first part of the song to serenade her with. They bust out a little bit of their Ode to Strasser.

9:47 NEWS AND SPORTS RECAP

Teresa and Dave recap the news and sports.