ADAM WITH DR. GARY ALTER AND JEFF ROSS — 5am to 10am, January 11, 2007

6:00 SPORTS RECORDS

Shaun Alexander from the Seattle Seahawks is going to be on the show today, which turns Adam and Danny on to talking sports records. There was some hitter a while back that hit two Grand Slam home runs in ONE INNING, Adam says.

6:23 MARK THE POET

The show’s eminent wordsmith, Mark the Poet, joins the crew on the phone with a poem for Danny Bonaduce.

6:25 ROY DOW

Roy Dow, the head coach for Caltech’s men’s basketball team, comes on the line. Adam has to know: what’s with Caltech? He knows nothing about the school, except that we turn to them for earthquake information, and even that confuses him. Roy feels like people probably look at Caltech for that because they invented the Richter scale. On that note, Teresa wonders what the average SAT score is there? It’s 1540 Roy tells her, and she flips: that’s 100 points higher than anybody else’s average in the country.

On to the business at hand: Caltech’s basketball team recently won its’ first game in over a decade. Did he think they would win it, Adam asks? “No,” Roy says.

Before they go, Roy has a single request. That is, can Adam please get Bill Simmons from ESPN.com in touch with him? He wants to see if Bill’s got a screenplay about this story that they could produce.

6:42 SAME NAME GAME

It’s time, once again, to play the Same Name Game — which means an homage to the fallen, Dave Dameshek, with his rendition of the Same Name Game theme song.

The game is simple. Name two people who have the same last name, but couldn’t be more different.

7:03 TERESA STRASSER’S NEWS

Last night, President Bush took responsibility for the current situation in Iraq, and announced a new plan to correct the issues there, which will end up costing over 5 billion dollars. Adam doesn’t want to comment on that, because he’d rather comment on the fact that the damn speech was on every station. Remember back in the day, he says, when only 3 or 4 channels covered it?

In another war that won’t end, Donald Trump, Rosie O’Donnel and Barbara Walters continued their extremely public feud, this time with Rosie and Barbara teaming up against Trump.

It’s being reported that Paramount has no intention of renewing Pat O’Brian’s contract, reportedly worth 4 million dollars. Supposedly it’s due to the “racy voicemails” that he was caught leaving, which was several years ago. This isn’t what’s happening, Adam says, because that happened two years ago. What’s really happening is that nobody cares about Pat O’Brian’s racy voicemails, but Pat O’Brian hosts a low-rated entertainment show, and he’s getting a little too old to do the job.

There’s a new reality show called Armed and Famous, which features several C- and D-list celebrities training to become police officers.

Marilyn Manson, who’s now 38, is rumored to be dating a 19-year-old actress. “That’s a weird couple,” Teresa feels. Adam can sum it up a little better: “Count Drunkula is with the chick from Thirteen?”

And now, some bad news and some good news. The bad news? Carlo Ponti, film producer, has passed away. The good news? Sophia Lauren is now back on the market, at age 71. Adam has to say that he’d still “tap that”, even at her age, just for the ability to say he did.

7:27 DR. GARY ALTER

Dr. Gary Alter, board certified urologist and plastic surgeon extraordinaire, enters the studio. Danny’s shocked, because Adam skipped over this guy’s number one credit, which is of course “gender reassignment.” That’s not all he does though, Gary says, and Teresa chimes in that he also does a lot of “labia-plasty”, where they actually reduce the labia. Labia size wasn’t a problem earlier in our society, where trimming of pubic hair wasn’t commonplace.

Adam’s curious, what will they be doing in 15 years, plastic surgery wise, that they aren’t doing now? Gary’s been doing a lot of clitoris enlargement and clitoris reduction.

Another common operation, Gary says, is to “reclaim foreskin.” He thinks it’s insane though, and Adam locks in on that. “Hear that guys? The dude who turns men into women thinks you are crazy.”

7:53 TRANNY OR FATTY?

Today’s hypothetical question is a simple one, and it’s one that the show has actually covered before. Would heterosexual men rather sleep with a post-op transsexual, or a fat woman? Sadly, Adam has to note, the last time they talked about this, it skewed largely in favor of the transsexuals.

Danny has to say at this point that he’s heavy into the heavies, and that he might actually prefer it. Teresa wonders what the heaviest girl he’s been with was? 250 pounds, he says.

While Adam’s not into the big women, he has actually ended up in bed with a larger women. Long story short, they were seated together in a booth when they met, and it turned out she lived in another town, so they had a bit of a long distance thing going on via telephone. One day, he took the plunge and drove out to where she lived in a buddy’s car, and when she opened the door… there was a whole lot of women standing there. “Maybe she was on an Ovaltine drip since I’d last seen her,” Adam adds. At that point, you can’t back out, so he just got to boozin’ and went at it.

There’s a lot of calls on this topic, Adam sees, so they stay with it and head off to the phones. Overall, it breaks down about 50/50, which is very damning of the male society.

8:34 JEFFREY ROSS

Jeffrey Ross, comedian and king of the roast, joins the gang in-studio. He’s recently back from the USO tour, and even more recently, Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. What’s that like, Adam asks? Well, Jeff says, it’s not just a prison, it’s also a huge, 100,000 person naval base. Adam really can’t do the math on Guantanamo Bay, because it seems odd that Cuba would just give this huge chunk of land to what amounts to an enemy.

Adam wonders what Jeff’s opinion is on this war, and what the troops think.  Do they want to come home now, or do they want to stick it out? Jeff feels like he can’t speak for the troops, but overall, he thinks they want to “come home victorious,” whatever that may mean.

8:58 ADAM’S LIFE TIPS

Frequently, Adam wonders… what is he missing in his life? Is there something that he can be doing to improve it in any way? For example, the microwave: if you’re going to put something in the microwave for 30 seconds, don’t bother. Just put it in for 33 seconds, and not move your finger down to the zero.

Teresa’s got a good life tip: keep copies of your ID and credit cards somewhere, in case you lose your wallet. And one just for girls: if you’re walking down the street next to a guy, and you like him, grab his elbow. “It shows you like him,” she says.

One for checkwriters comes from listener Bill: when you’re writing checks, just round up to the next dollar. Teresa likes that one, because it makes it much easier to balance your checkbook.

They take more calls from listeners with their own tips, including one that tugs at Adam’s heart strings: someone who suggests putting nitrogen in your car tires instead of oxygen, to keep it from corroding the rims, and to keep it from expanding. Adam tries to explain that it also leaks out more slowly, but the caller keeps disagreeing.

9:25 NEWS RECAP

Teresa Strasser recaps her news.

9:42 ADAM IS ANGRY

In Adam’s life, this happens a lot: he’ll think he knows something, and then he’ll be slapped down by some a-hole who says he’s wrong. That’s not the really bad part, though. The bad part is that Adam usually goes home, gets on Google, looks it up, and realizes he’s right.

Over the break, Adam had his assistant Jay look up some information about nitrogen in tires versus oxygen, and it turns out he was absolutely right. “That caller was an a-hole,” Teresa says.

9:45 BACHELOR PARTY MAYHEM

During the Life Tips segment, it happened to come up that cheating during a bachelor party may not be as bad as cheating several years into the relationship. Adam and Danny both feel like the former is not nearly as bad, while some of the (female) callers feel like it’s identical.

The whole concept of the bachelor party, Adam thinks, has just gotten warped and out of control. It used to be a fun celebration, he adds, but now it involves taping people to chairs and beating the bejesus out of them. A listener calls up and describes their experiences at a bachelor party they attended, and Teresa thinks it sounds like “Abu Ghirab stuff.”