Adam with Leanne Tweeden, Dr. Gadget, Jimmy Kimmel, Kenny Morse, and Cle “Bone” Sloan – February 14, 2007

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6:01AM – NO MIDDLE NAME

It’s Danny’s son Dante’s birthday today, and Danny is very proud of the progress his son is making. This reminds Adam of the importance of being ‘pushed’ a grade versus being held back. He suggests using the excuse, ”We went to Europe for a year, so when I came back I had to stay in the same grade. Now you go from idiot to international traveler.” Speaking of lying about circumstances, Danny had a similar experience when he ran into difficulty trying to find work – so instead he lied and said he lived in Asia for two years making martial arts movies. This story has greater implications – while dating Gretchen and telling her those crazy stories, she didn’t believe that he had actually done everything. Danny, drunk, decides to prove his abilities by fighting an entire black belt class in the martial arts studio down the street. He beat the crap out of 6 of them in a row and then the 7th one beat him into a pulp.

Speaking of Danny’s kids, Adam’s parents neglected to give him a middle name, whereas Dante’s has multiple middle names: Count Dante Jean Michele Valentino Bonaduce. “When you’re writing it down, does the federal government intervene at a certain point?” asks Adam. It seems that Adam was the only kid in the class without a middle name – his parents just never quite got around to it. Adam rants about his parents’ lack of involvement in any of their kids’ lives, as “it’s sort of being abused without having an abusive parent.”

As a result of his family experiences, Adam intentionally waited to have kids to avoid screwing them up. His family tends to be good family and good people, but not good family members. Adam’s sister waited as well and ended up with some pretty good kids. The point of being, says Adam, “At a certain point, you turn 19, you crap out a couple kids – I no longer feel sorry for you, I feel bad for your kids!

Inspired, Adam asks callers for what they’re NOT going to do for their kids.

6:25AM – ADAM’S PARENTAL ADVICE

Teresa admits that while she has no kids, her experiences taking a city bus to school from age 8 on have made her realize the importance of parents being able to provide a ride here and there. In Adam’s case, his mother needed at least one day’s advance notice for that kind of stuff. When Adam once asked for a ride to Van Nuys, instead of just driving him the 4-5 miles, his mother launched into the do-you-know-how-much-gas-costs lecture. The bottom line – “Don’t bum your kid out,” advises Adam.

Rising to Adam’s challenge, one caller tells the show that unlike her mother and father, she won’t cheat on her husband. When she admits that she still thinks that it’s her fault they divorced, Adam can barely contain disbelief at that she’s still affected by this. “Keep the good stuff, discard the stuff you don’t need, and make your hand stronger,” Adam insists. And he should know – his parents didn’t give him very much guidance except in a general moralistic sense. Another caller relates that he won’t teach his kids religion as he’d seen relationships destroyed because of differences. Danny reveals having read the Bible, the Kor’an, and the Torah while in rehab, as he was trying to figure out which religion might be able to help him. After a little more good advice, never talk crap about the other parent, Adam summarizes the key lesson of the unwritten parenting handbook: Either back off now, or go full tilt so they can work in radio.

Adam is pretty excited about the next guest, as Kenny Morse happens to have been Adam’s boss when he taught comedy traffic school at Lettuce Amuse You Traffic School.

6:53AM – KENNY MORSE

After 20 years of teaching traffic school, How about when you yelled at me about not using passive restraints? Asked Adam. I didn’t yell. Adam’s lesson from the whole experience is that if you can do 8 hours of comedy traffic school, you can easily do a 20-minute comedy set.

“What makes it comedy traffic school?” asks Danny. Kenny reveals that there’s really nothing funny about driving safety stuff, so you play off the other instructors and unbelievably stupid traffic rules. Speaking of unbelievably stupid traffic rules, Adam asks about the sudden influx of left-hand turn signals. “I don’t mind the green left turn arrow, it’s when it turns red and everything else turns green. Why are they turning red? They should go from green to nothing and you just turn when it’s safe like everybody else.”

Kenny says that if you drive at a certain speed through sequential lights, you can hit every green light. Adam complains about the people from other states that don’t know that you can turn right on a red. Nobody talks about this stuff, says Kenny. But, Adam contradicts, they do get messages out. They just don’t do it effectively.

Adam and Kenny don’t agree about right-turn etiquette either, as Adam’s method involves breaking the left-turn law. While waiting at a red turn light at midnight, Adam liberated himself from the rules of the red turn arrow and turned anyway. Despite the warning of a $400 ticket, Adam says of the potential ticket hanging over his head, “If it were 400 bucks, it’d be a penny for every time I did this.” Teresa asks about how to get off with a warning. Courtesy, professionalism are the keys, says Kenny, it’s all about the attitude of the person being pulled over. The best word you could ever use in your defense, advises Kenny, is stupid, as in “I was being stupid.”

7:17AM –

Adam advises you use your brain to figure out which rules are good and which are stupid. “It’s as if you built a time machine and went back 5 years and somebody stood in front of your car with a red arrow,” Adam laments. “You’re the one who’s rotting away waiting for the man to tell you when to turn,” he warns.

Danny points out that what Adam’s advice is the beginning of a very slippery slope – what might be OK to one person might interfere with another’s rights. Adam is adamant – when your light is red and the other light is green, if it’s safe to turn, you should be able to do it.

Traffic cop Jim calls in and tells Adam that he gives tickets daily for people doing what Adam is advising. Adam feels like cops write tickets just because they see things. Jim agrees, saying that every day he writes tickets for borderline violations, “Situations where you did this and I just happened to see you do it.” Adam decides he either wants the lecture or the ticket – but not both. Adam asks what the best way to get out of a ticket with this particular cop, but there doesn’t seem to be a trick with this guy. “Usually my mind is made up by the time I pull you over,” Jim says. Teresa asks what about crying? Well, says Jim, they ripped your heart out with a spoon in motor school.

Danny suggests a minimum IQ level in order to be able to decide which rules to follow, as the general population isn’t too bright. I need people to be able to use their own common sense, says Adam. “At a certain point, I must trust society to turn when it’s safe to turn and not when there’s traffic coming.”

7:36AM – TERESA STRASSER REPORTS THE NEWS

An 18-year-old Bosnian immigrant seems to be responsible for the mall shooting in Utah. His killing spree was contained by an off-duty officer who cornered him until other officers arrived. Building upon the idea of the armed off-duties, “I like the idea,” says Adam, “that at any given time in any given situation there might be a guy who’s been authorized to use a Glock.”

“Now it wouldn’t be a day in the news without talking about Anna Nicole,” says Teresa. Zsa Zsa Gabor’s former husband has come forward as another potential father for Smith’s baby. Adam asks to hear the 911 call, which turns out to be very casual. There seems to be two distinct types of calls – the frantic, and the exceedingly casual, notes Adam. Danny points out that half the people who call 911 have just killed someone and are just trying to cover.

The greatest love songs of all time as determined by the New York Daily News are:
1. “My Girl” The Temptations
2. “I’ll Be There” The Jackson 5
3. “Wonderful Tonight” Eric Clapton
Danny mentions that it’s a little bizarre that there’s a child’s voice featured in a top love song.

Teresa asks for guesses of the average amount the average guy spends on Valentine’s Day. It turns out that $127.00 is the average amount, “so you should spend that or more,” suggests Teresa. In related news, 87 condoms per second will be spent today. Other big sex nights include birthdays, anniversaries, and the first night of a vacation that cost over 4K.

Duke University has done a study on nagging, finding that not only is it an ineffective way to get what you want, but it often makes people do the reverse. But how do you get someone to do something, asks Adam, if you’ve asked them multiple times? What constitutes nagging versus reminding? Unsure where the line actually exists, Danny and Adam demonstrate two styles of nagging/asking that don’t work.

8:00AM – DR. GADGET

As the world’s number one product promoter, Dr. Gadget has brought some useful products on the show. Dr. Gadget has some LG Chocolate cell phones to give away. What, jokes Adam, you can only call black people? The phone has an MP3 player, camera and video capabilities – it’s like TiVo on steroids. But, Adam points out, “It’s gonna be sad when I get stoned and eat the chocolate phone.”

While he didn’t bring any with him on the show, Dr. Gadget raves about the Ojo phone with uninterrupted audio and video and it’s ability to keep him in touch with his kids. Dr. Gadget also brought the world’s first flushing urinal made for potty training kids. The invention is pediatrician-approved because the psychological issues of boys learning to pee properly are tied to the self-image issues. Another gadget, a home security system in a box, is only $200 bucks with a $19.95 monthly fee, but it hooks into all the large security companies and is heat/motion sensor activated. Running late on time, they decide to give the system a caller who had his home broken into over the weekend and let Adam keep the urinal.

8:25AM – LEANNE TWEEDEN

Leanne Tweeden, model and TV host, joins everybody in the studio. When asked about her recent spread in FHM, Leanne says that the magazine seems to be going under, like many of magazines nowadays. “Are you ok?” Teresa asks distressed Adam. “I’m OK, but my junk is dying.” Leanne informs a confused Danny that she’s a NASCAR sports host for the Best Damn Sports Show, but sometimes also moonlights degrading men (mainly Adam) by beating them in go cart races. Another guy she beat, ESPN’s Bill Simmons, has been writing several angry articles about her beating him, including a low-blow comment telling her to just go shoot another calendar. “Why is Bill Simmons so bitter about being beaten by a woman?” asks Teresa.

Jimmy Kimmel calls in to let Leanne know that Adam was very upset when she beat him, even going to far as to curse Leanne on the air. Adam blames his loss on the both a weight difference and the laps Leanne was allowed to take before the race. Leanne denies take practice laps before any of the contests, except in one instance where she was asked by the hosts to come practice.

Adam challenges Leanne to a re-race, but with the caveat of weighing each cart and person and adding a handicap. They agree to do a charity rematch next year at the Super Bowl.

8:49AM – TO CATCH A PREDATOR

The decoy they used for last episode was a little larger than normal. Adam decides, “I feel like I’d be a discriminating pedophile.” Teresa plays some of the chat logs of one of the predators chatting up a 13-year-old, who when confronted by Chris Hanson, ends up discussing God. When the police pick him up, he’s got condoms in his pocket and a digital camera with naked pictures of himself.

Another predator, a 63-year-old man tried to prey upon a 14-year-old female and showed up with a spiked rubber object. When the investigators tried to figure out what the object was, he dodges the question and claims it just happened to be in his pocket. Teresa awards “Predator of the Night” award to a man who admits to Hanson that he teaches kids who are the same age as the kid he was trying to prey upon. When he also tries to invoke the name of God, Chris Hanson asks him exactly what part of the Bible instructs him to do the sort of things that he mentions in his chat log.

9:06AM – TERESA STRASSER RECAPS THE NEWS

After playing one last “To Catch a Predator” clip featuring program director Jack Silver, Teresa Strasser recaps the news.

9:18AM – VALENTINES DAY GIVEAWAYS

In exchange for sex injury stories, Adam offers to give away a year’s supply of AstroGlide. One caller broke his penis having sex. He didn’t have insurance at the time, he had to call and explain what happened to his doctor dad. “There should be a clinic for people with humiliating disorders,” suggests Adam. Danny warns that it’s a slippery slope, as he puts his daughter in a wheelchair with a piece of tube up her nose to get her to the front of the line at Disneyland.

Another caller reports that while flipping her head to get the hair out of her eyes during sex, she knocked herself out cold on the dresser and had to be taken to the hospital for stitches. “But did you finish?” asks Danny.

Another caller ripped the bottom part of her tongue while giving oral. Impressed with her dedication to the craft, they decided to award her the AstoGlide.

9:42AM – BASTARDS OF THE PARTY DIRECTOR CLE “BONE” SLOAN

I’m fascinated by gangs, says Adam, so the last guest of the show, HBO documentary Bastards of the Party director Cle “Bone” Sloan is very interesting, since he’s still a member of the Bloods, albeit inactive. The documentary traces the rise of the Bloods and Crips in Los Angeles. Danny, a former crackhead, shares that he used to do business with the Bloods, but was beaten up a couple of times until he found ‘his guy’. An expert on gang history, Cle “Bone” says that in the 80s and 90s, the Bloods were outnumbered by the Crips on a 20-1 ratio, but now he encounters Bloods all over the world.

Teresa asks about entrance requirements, and Cle “Bone” says that most of the time, you have to kill someone. He himself was shot 4 separate times in 4 separate incidents. “I have a 45mm this close to my spine right now,” Cle “Bone” tells the show. In any case, Gang violence has been going on since 1969, says Cle “Bone” but his mission is to get the Bloods back to the Black Power movement from which it was born.

9:56AM – ADAM WRAPS UP THE SHOW