Adam with Mike Birbiglia, Steve Agee, Brian Posehn, and Danny’s Junk – February 21, 2007

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6:01AM – NO SICK DAYS

Adam’s wife is angry with him because his family is sick – and he tends to be a little condescending to them as a result. He explains that if you have two guys – tell one he has a couple of personal days a month and one that he can’t miss any because there’s no one to replace him – one will use his days, and one will show up all the time. “I’m saying it’s the same guy – just motivated in different ways,” says Adam. So for Adam, being sick seems kind of like a cop-out, since he can never miss a day. He’s a little jealous of some of the sick types, but not necessarily the guy yacking in the sink. “You know who I am jealous of,” admits Danny, “I am jealous of the Iraqi hostages – because I know when they’re coming back, they’re getting a movie of the week.”

Adam is giving away tickets to come and stay at the Palms in Vegas with the show, but the stipulation is: you must be a woman with hair longer than Joan Jett and you must be willing to shave your head for it.

6:27AM – PHONE IMPRESSIONS

Danny shares a little about his almost-year of sobriety. Turns out that Danny knows exactly which room Britney Spears is staying in at rehab. A listener calls in and says that she’s interested in shaving her head for the tickets – and within about two syllables, Adam knew that she had a history of drug use. How did you know, asks Teresa. Given his experience on Loveline, Adam explains, “It’s more pure to speak to a person over the phone than in person – you can do more to fill the holes in the psyche because you’re not making judgments. This removes all that, this is just their voice.” He adds, “Your first impression is always your best.”

Another caller wants to shave her head, but when asking about her hair length and color, it seems that she has the same hair color pattern – blonde in front, brown in back as the last caller. As a warning to people everywhere, Adam rants about things people shouldn’t do – wear nails longer than 3 inches with unicorns on them, having hair like a calico quilt, wearing the tight puka shells, or greasy bangs.

A hairstylist from Oxnard says that she’ll do it, but Adam isn’t totally convinced she’s all for it. In any case, she says she’ll be coming in – Adam suggests she brings her own clippers.

6:56AM –

Last night on American Idol, the beat-boxer from Seattle departed from the percussion he’d been known for and sang a Ween song. Simon praised the performance as the best of the night. Another contestant, Chris Sligh or as Adam calls him – “fat blob” – caused what sounded like a fight to break out between Simon and Ryan. Danny picks the moment though, when he says the fight went from real to fake. The whole show has a real appreciation for Ryan as Danny says, “The difference between Adam and I and Ryan Seacrest – he’s super skilled labor, but Adam and I are the talent.” Danny shares that Ryan is such a perfectionist, the live calls are actually recorded so he can take out awkward breaths.

7:15AM – TERESA STRASSER REPORTS THE NEWS

Tony Blair gave a press conference saying that Britain was going to withdraw troops from Iraq, while the US continues to plan to increase troops. While not necessarily a fan of the man, Adam defends Bush’s intelligence, “I’m not gonna call a guy who can fly a military aircraft a retard. I don’t know if it makes him a genius though.”

At Anna Nicole Smith’s court hearing, the judge promised that he would get her in the ground by Friday since her skin is starting to turn colors. Howard K Stern admitted to having a non-exclusive relationship with Anna Nicole since he “wanted her to be happy.” Adam wonders if this means he’s admitting he’s not the father, but since the Bahamas laws state that whoever is on the birth certificate is the father, as long as he doesn’t claim he’s the biological, he may not be perjuring himself.

Stern also released a clown video, featuring a seemingly high and definitely pregnant Anna Nicole decked out in clown makeup. Anna Nicole Smith is stupid, says Adam, but then she gets high and it’s clear she’s on something. “And then some guy, rather than asking what you want, paints your face with kabuki makeup and makes a video of you because it’ll be worth money?!” he wonders.

Britney Spears checked into Promises, but according to TMZ, her slide may have been started by a fight with Kevin Federline when he threatened to have her hair tested to see what she’d been up to.

On a positive note, Teresa shares a clip of some very bad karaoke by Tara Reid. Adam is confused again – “Tara Reid has been in a couple of movies, but is Tara Reid a big star? Do we care and if we don’t? […] As it turns out, nobody cares!” But as Danny points out, “The fact that we’re playing it at all means that somebody cares…”

7:42AM – MIKE BIRBIGLIA

Comedian Mike Birbiglia joins the show in the studio and shares some stories about TV appearances. “It’s a little surreal, “ summarizes Adam, since they grew up watching these guys and now they’re on with them. “I remember watching Letterman in my crappy apartment with my roommates, and then one second later you’re sitting there trying to be funny, but you’re thinking my head’s about to explode!” says Adam.

Getting back to the guest on the show, Mike admits, “I’m addicted to cable news, because every story is the same level of importance.” Mike agrees with Adam’s take on Bush – “He’s the guy at the BBQ, Wiffleball Tony. And then somebody says we’re gonna make him in charge of everything and somebody goes, I don’t know if that’s such a good idea…”

Mike gives another good analogy – “Bush is like your dad who offers to build a deck, but he doesn’t know exactly how […] And three years later, there’s no deck, just some lumbar and duck tape.” Adds Adam, “And you don’t want to squash his enthusiasm, but at a certain point you have to say thanks but no thanks. You’re no carpenter.”

8:07AM – TO CATCH A PREDATOR

Adam admits that while he doesn’t really communicate online, if Chris Hanson confronted him with his chat log, he’d dive through his bay window. Teresa shares some of the clips from last night’s show, including a guy who drove 400 miles to meet his prey. Predator David, convicted of a sexual assault 18 years ago, was confronted by Chris Hanson about the pictures he’s sent of his genitals to a 13-year-old decoy.

“There’s no 13-year-old kid who’s so screwed up that they want to see some 45-year-old guy’s junk,” says Adam. Another case reveals that the predator had to resign from his former job at a church because of an affair with a woman also employed there. He also admits that instead of drugs or alcohol, “women have been my only downfall.”

8:24AM – MORE TO CATCH A PREDATOR

Teresa plays another clip of a case with an assistant DA pretending to be a 19-year-old male model. Perverted Justice sees that the predator pulls down his Myspace page, so the cops go and surround his house and the DA shoots himself. The dead predator’s sister then recently gave a statement that condemns “To Catch A Predator” as the cause of his death.

8:40AM – STEVE AGEE AND BRIAN POSEHN

Teresa’s ex-boyfriend Steve Agee and Brian Posehn from the Sarah Silverman Program join the show in the studio. The show’s been doing so well that it just picked up another 14 episodes. Adam’s also impressed by the guys’ combined size – over 14 feet and 700+ pounds. Steve and Teresa were together for about 4-5 months before Teresa finally popped the question – go with me to the bagel shop. Adam asks about Steve admitting to crying after sex, which apparently Jimmy Kimmel and friends now give him a hard time about. “I will bone anyone of you right now and not cry,” Steve challenges. Adam decides that there still might be something between Steve and Teresa and wants to look into it.

8:58AM – TERESA’S SEXUAL PREDATOR

Adam tries to feel out whether Steve is seeing someone else, but Teresa asks whether that’s a lie – as in telling someone that you never cry after sex. Teresa is writing a column and gets a phone call that a friend has ordered her a strip-o-gram. Thinking it was a joke, she accepts it but with precautions – pepper spray, a bat, and Steve Agee. The guy shows up and she tells him not to try anything funny, but as Adam asks, “Wouldn’t you find masturbating on your carpet a little funny?” No costume, no dancing, the guy just ended up masturbating on her living room carpet. “It was very dark,” she defends. At the end of it all, he gave her a receipt, but being riddled with misspellings, she figured it was phony and so helped the cops bust the guy.

Teresa apologizes to Brian for monopolizing his time with her sexual predator story, so Brian suggests she could make it up to him by letting him masturbate on her floor.

9:17AM – TERESA STRASSER RECAPS THE NEWS

Teresa Strasser recaps the news.

9:40AM – DOING A BRITNEY – ALMOST

Marlene, one of the callers from earlier in the morning, has come to the studio to get her head shaved in exchange for tickets to the Vegas show in March. 57-years-old and with a thick two-tone head of hair, “I was fine until I got here and then started panicking,” says Marlene. Her husband says that she doesn’t have to do it for him and he’ll just pay their way there. They were gung-ho until they read the releases and program director Jack Silver let them know her pictures would be posted on the Internet.

Instead, since the couple are such big fans of the show (Bill the husband brought a collage of pictures for Adam and cohorts to sign), Adam decides to let them to on the trip to Vegas – if they shave Danny Bonaduce’s privates.

Marlene agrees, thought Danny decides he’s going to do this while stark naked.

9:54AM – A STUNT FIT ONLY FOR RADIO

Danny drops his pants and Adam gives a play-by-play of Marlene doing her thing. “Naked Bonaduce has attacked Adam Carolla and sat on his lap!” screams Teresa.

And on that note, Adam Carolla wraps up the show. Mahalo.

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